busy, busy, busy

and feeling overwhelmed. we're making it through, we're doing it (kind of like that feeling when you first stay up on a bike...i didn't learn to ride til i was eleven, so that one is particularly etched in my brain...), but i am looking forward to a break.

this past week i...

went to a funeral for my grandmother. it was a really nice funeral. we always laugh at funerals in that family...everyone gets a little manic, i think, to be honest. i mean, there are tears, too. it was good to hear such great memories and stories about my grandmother. it is a weird feeling to attend a funeral for someone that alzheimer's has been slowly taking away over the last decade. my grandmother was such a difficult woman when i knew her...it was really neat to hear stories of the woman she was before i knew her. it was a letting go even though it's been a gradual letting go for so long...but at the same time, there was so much receiving i didn't expect. i am glad i went.

got a baby niece. she was born tuesday. she had her first major surgery on wednesday....to repair a bowel obstruction. they removed a little over half of her intestines...but her prognosis is very good. i am sure her parents feel much like those little chamois you run through those rollers at the car wash to get all the water out of them so you can go back to drying the car...but really, really relieved and grateful chamois, you know?

figured out how to get my oldest to a rock climbing competition (almost four hours away) and my third born to his soccer game (and soccer pictures) at almost the same exact time on saturday morning. my spouse will still be at work at that same exact time, just to explain why i'm so damned impressed with myself. but really, the credit goes to my bil for agreeing to take my oldest to the comp. you know what? i'm going to give myself a little credit, too, for asking him. i'm still a little mortified that i asked for something so big, but the relief when he said yes is so much greater than the mortification...

and that's all i'm going to blog about... really, i came here to post that even though i feel wiped out, stressed out, worn out, and strung out a lot lately...i can still be stopped and moved by the beauty of life, whatnot. a mama posted about kd lang singing leonard cohen's "hallelujah" in my cyber tribe and i just had to you tube it...it.is.beautiful. (i wanted to say, i know the people waving in the background of her singing is annoying, but i spent a lot of time watching you tube clips of kd lang singing this one yesterday, and i just loved her voice and the sound quality of this one...even though visually, it is so distracting...and dar, i sat here crying listening to it again this morning...thanks for sharing it)


and here's an indigo girls song off their new cd (which i have and i like a lot...it's a little more mellow than their few previous, but there are some beautiful songs on there...like this one...i love the part at the end when she says the one she's waiting for is me...well, her, not me...ugh, just listen)


so there's my week in review. i get to stay home this weekend and aside from soccer, i don't have many commitments. well, i have robotics and such, but i have big blocks of time i can use to get caught up on all the stuff that's sat and waited while i was running around crazy the last few weeks.

peace out

parents and church

so, while seeing the-rapist today...i hit on something. she was all laid back in her chair, listening, and then when i finally got on a track, on this track specifically, she sat up and started writing.

see, i've been struggling with church. and my friend jen posted this quote about how church is meant to be participated in, not consumed. (it was much more eloquent, but that's the gist of what spoke to me.) i don't really like the church i've been going to. but i don't feel called to the other church either. i've always been kind of a "go to the nearest catholic church" kind of gal. well, since i became catholic, which was eleven years ago...so for eleven years, i've been a...you know what i'm saying.... but the pastors at this church...i just don't get what they're saying a lot of the time. i mean, i understand saying something and meaning something by it, but something totally different can be interpreted...i get that. and i try to give them the benefit of the doubt, whenever i can find the room. but some of the things these guys say...i feel like they teach a worship and devotion that is mindless...that doesn't make sense on any level, but that you're just supposed to power through. they don't ever talk about a natural draw to that mystery...ever discuss the natural appeal of jesus...just how he established his authority and how we should run if we ever happen to witness someone doing the things jesus did. they never teach us how to discern, or question, or think about the mystery...just to be grateful for it, obey it, and tell others about it. and they seem so lost themselves sometimes...hopeless, really bogged down by negativity.

now i realize this may just be their personalities. and i try really hard not to be judgmental...to ask more of myself than i ask of them when i'm trying to listen to their homilies and understand what they're trying to teach. because i'm an adult, you know?

but the way they explain our relationship to God, it's so one sided...God is great, we are worms. and that bothers me. because i've been a parent for over fourteen years...longer than i've been catholic...and never have i felt my children are so far below me. i realize God is God. but why would God create humans to be so far below, so unworthy? i mean, i know these are human terms used to try to define something very not human...and that these terms reflect the views of the humans as much as their actual experience with God. but it's just been difficult to be journeying my own path of parenting, and my path of spirituality in my culture that compares my relationship to the Ultimate Creator with a parent/child relationship and then places the child so far below the parent.

i think this is why buddhism appeals to me so much. but i don't think christianity has to come off like this. what i told my the-rapist was that sometimes christians just paint God as such a punitive parent...and as i don't use punishment often, if at all, in my relationship with my kids, this christian punitive aspect is not jiving with me. and i feel a little adrift... which means i also feel like my kids are kind of adrift... and that's just not a comfortable spot for me.

so she prayed with me as i left. we don't do that together often. but today, i guess she felt it was a good idea. and it was. because i know the answers to this dilemma for me will come...with time and patience and probably some interviewing of some sort...but the answers will come. it was really was nice to have someone journey into the mystery with me, even if it was just for sixty seconds or so.
peace

frustration

i'd like to work passed it, so i will just get some out in this here blog...

communication...my spouse says, "i'm sorry you're disappointed." i say, "don't apologize to me for my emotions." (i felt this was an important distinction) he said, "i'm sorry i disappointed you." now, i wasn't disappointed. well, i guess you could say i was, because disappointment is a very broad emotion, but it is not what i would've chosen as my emotional state. also, i wouldn't have held him singularly responsible for my emotional state either, but didn't really feel, at this point in the too long conversation we'd been having that he'd find that particularly relevant either. my spouse likes to choose his words...and once they've been chosen, getting him to change course in his thoughts is like trying to change the course of a river with toothpicks...it is difficult...and after a lengthy "discussion," i just didn't have the energy. plus, i realize that he does not worry about soothing me when i've disappointed him. and perhaps in my rush to be sure he's not being too hard on himself when i've let him know he's disappointed me, i've made it so that he's untouched by it... well, not untouched and really, i'll never know how much my disappointment affects him...he'll probably never really know either. but i just thought i'd let him rest with the emotion for a little bit and have some confidence in his ability to work through emotions...the same way he has confidence we'll work through whatever he throws our way...whether he's saying what he thinks or just some made up bullshit...whichever... (ok, that was a little more bitter than i wanted it to sound...obviously i have some work to do on this one...and i'm working on it...i am....)

robotics...let me just say that my teenager is handling the tension there better than i am. i just don't understand why my co-coach feels the need to be so directive. it's like she's driving the bus and our team is in the backseat, cutting up, throwing spitballs, you know...all the stuff kids do in the backseat. and these guys are old enough to drive. well, not a car...but themselves in preparing for this competition. she doesn't give them a chance to appreciate what they've accomplished and then set the next goal. she just keeps pushing. and i feel like none of them really give much of a shit anymore. hell, i'm having a hard time mustering a flying fart about it lately...

parenting...i don't know why, but this has been a challenge lately. it's like, there's kindness and that's all good and well, but let's be funny, because that's more important than kindness. let's be sarcastic and competitive and put each other down...but all in good fun, right? which requires some kindness, but i feel like people only want to put forth the minimum amount of kindness needed to have good will when they really want to be shitty. all this, "he needs to know the truth" or "i care about him and he needs to be tough." i get tired of this. and after having six males under my care for this past week, plus my spouse popping in to add his own testosterone, i'm a little d.o.n.e with it. why can't people just be kind? why is that wimpy or whatever? my nephew has this illusion of being self-sufficient and strong and adaptable...and those are good things, but the idea that he doesn't need anyone...and that he's frustrated and weak when he does...i felt good i could listen and mostly just love him, even when his words made me want to puke. why can't people just admit they need other people? not to wipe your nose or your ass, but just a shared existence? whatever that is for whoever we're talking about...and yes, i guess some folks do in fact need someone to wipe their nose or their ass and there is nothing wrong with that, either. i need to buy this tshirt that says "we're here to get over our disillusion of separateness" or something like that. but it's this yucky blue color, so i haven't. but it is hard to parent young men who are able to dialogue and be kind to one another...who can joke around, but who watch the other person's face to see if it's too much, or just listen to the other person's words if they ask my guys to stop. to be responsive to another person, i guess is what i'm trying to say. it would be nice to be able to do this with someone who valued kindness and self-accountability the same way. oh, i know i sound all high and mighty in this, and i don't mean to. i am not perfect, that's for damned sure. but i do value kindness and i wish sometimes i could parent with someone who valued that as highly as i do, that's all...

i think that's really about it...or at least the high points. there are other things i am working on in myself...trying to be a little more independent. not totally independent...yes, i read what i write...but to change my own self accountability, not to my kids, but in my internal life, maybe...i don't know how to say it. i am also trying very hard to take care of myself...not necessarily in a pure way...moderation...this is my theme for this year, but i'll write about that later. but i am trying to run a little every other day, work out as often, and take my vitamins more regularly. i'm also going to be journaling more often, whether here on my blog or in my paper journal. i am ready to begin taking a more steady approach in maintaining a healthy balance in life.

hey, so in the interest of balance, one good thing today...i got to visit with a friend this afternoon when i picked my boys up from her house. (dh had dropped them off) i hadn't seen her in awhile, and she has family visiting, but it was good to see her. and she reminded me we're not too far from all those nice, normal things we used to do on a regular basis starting up again....relief.

peace

buddhism lite

ok, so i'm reading a new book. it's called how to see yourself as you really are and it's written by his holiness the dalai lama. i think that's pretty self explanatory...

i've underlined most of the beginning, where he's talking about four personal beliefs. the second one got me, so i'm going to quote the first two parts i underlined in there...

"According to Buddhist psychology, most of our troubles stem from attachment to things that we mistakenly see as permanent. Operating from that misconception, we see aggression and competitiveness as helpful in the pursuit of what we imagine and desire."

"When you have love and compassion for a very poor person, your feelings are based on altruism. By contrast, love toward your husband, wife, children, or a close friend is often mixed with attachment, and when your attachment changes, your kindness may disappear. Complete love is based not on attachment but on altruism, which is the most effective response to suffering."

okay...that's a mouthful...or more accurately, a heart-full. it did catch me by surprise, though, that i agreed with this so much inside...that it sounded so very right to me, yet i've come to learn that much of the parenting practices i've adopted over the years fall under the general heading of attachment parenting. which i've always thought of as a philosophy of parenting based on answering the needs of my children as they express them, as i realize them, and as i am able. and encouraging them to meet their own needs and, hopefully, in the process they'll learn to respond to the needs of those around them as well, as they are able.

it's funny that i used the word respond because tomorrow, in my middles philosophy class, we're beginning a discussion on responsibility and after we've talked about what it means and tried to define it in three words or less, we'll talk about how the root of responsibility is response.

anyway...the part that really caught me in those quotes was the concept that once we change our attachment in a relationship, we can drain some of the kindness from it and act on that attachment instead of out of a true, loving response. that, uhm, kind of hit home in some ways. because i know i struggle with a sense of almost ownership over my kids and the sense that they owe me something in return. the same with my spouse. and while these words aren't pretty, they are true, and as i've thought about the dalai lama's words this week, it hasn't been that hard to let go of some of my misperceived attachment. it's a shift i can almost feel physically when i am mindful of what i am doing, what i am thinking, and how i am putting those two things together. it's not something that seems to magically change once you figure it out. but it is somewhat of a habit, or so it seems. like the more you practice it, the (a least a tiny bit) more natural it becomes.

and i haven't even started chapter one, yet. i think i'll probably be quoting this book quite a bit.
peace out

that place

so i just unloaded this on my spouse earlier today. it was a busy day yesterday, followed by a night where i just didn't want to be alone. but the universe lined up to make it so...everyone was busy. and that was fine. i mean, it wasn't...but i KNOW there are times in life when it is good to be quiet, to be alone, to spend time with yourself...i was just doing all i could in my power to not go along with that last night. i wasn't in the mood. didn't feel like cooperating. whatever. so i finally just read twilight...brain candy...emotional candy...and i think i have a cavity today. oh well...you buys your ticket, you takes your chances...

so last night's anxiety...it's about that place....i was thinking about marriage, i was thinking about faith, i was thinking about parenting, even. i came up with this analogy about working out...

there's that place between working out hard and working through pain to reach a new level of work out vs. working out until you're in pain and hurt yourself so badly you need surgery. one kind of pain you work through, the other you should listen to, right? i mean, from this angle it's clear...but sometimes when i work out, i'm not so sure which pain it is...

marriage...you make a vow, put on the rings, have the party and then life continues, right? and sometimes it's good and you feel good, keeping the vow isn't so hard. then maybe it's not good, but you keep the vow and eventually it's alright. but then there are those times that things are hard for awhile...don't get good...don't even get alright....how long's too long? how long's long enough? (these are rhetorical...each person has to decide i realize...)

faith...certainly there are times that faith requires obedience to the will of a higher power in times of uncertainty. but that high power also gave us the gift of free will. and my philosophy students and i were talking about plato's cave the other day...and even they realize that sometimes it's just easier to stay in the cave....but there's that whole free will thing...

parenting...my husband says i like for everyone to feel good about what they're doing. he says sometimes the kids need the cold, hard truth. (which he seems uniquely able to give them, fortunately or unfortunately)

and all of this has landed on opposite ends of the same general continuum for me lately. (oh, i forgot aging, but that just has to do with realizing i'm getting older...not much of a continuum there. well, there's a continuum, but it's going in just one direction, you know? bahaha) anyway...all this continuum stuff leads me to....

balance...sigh. and here i am, feeling so out of that. but it reminds me of the email i posted a few days back and how the writer talked about the continuum being "better" and "not so better" and how you don't know which way is up because of all the variables you can't account for. and THIS is exactly how i feel today.

whew, i feel better for getting that out...
peace