ohm...

i remember when my sophomore theology teacher taught the class how to spell that word...told us it had two syllables in it, too. (yep, in catholic school i learned this...he was one radical teacher, though...love to you, mr. foreman.)

i'm trying to get my zen on. i think that sentence may be part of my problem. i realize inner peace and awareness aren't really articles separate from me that i can put on...i do. but the fact that those words have gone through my head a couple of times, perhaps, points in which direction i might travel to start solving some of the problem. i know, i mean i really know, that much of life is not worth fretting over...working in my brain like some worry stone rubbed smooth. only half the stuff i worry about is more like little shards of glass that, instead of throwing OUT where they belong, i throw back down on the ground to pick up later and therefore pollute myself with this cutting stuff. i can usually project into a situation some of that "it ain't no thang" attitude...but then, on my own, in private, in that black little alley way of my head, i start chasing the tails and whipping the dead horses. oy vey...

so here are the lyrics of the song i've been singing in my head over and over today...when i take a break from the tail chasing and dead horse beating...

Bottom of a Hill
By Terri Hendrix

I live at the bottom of a hill
Where its been known to flood
I close my eyes every time it rains
I pray I never have to move my stuff
I let the grass get a little to high
So the dandelions can grow
What some call weeds I call flowers
It’s my yard to mow

Property taxes have hit the sky
It takes two paychecks
And credit cards to get by
To keep my electric bill low
I turn off the AC and open up the windows
They build the houses to close
You can hear the neighbors that’s the proof
You don’t have to be no Indiana Jones
To jump from roof to roof

I roll up that hill to get my pay
I roll back down at the end of the day
But I’m doing alright
I’m here with you tonight
I know where I am and where I stand
In this big world
I’m doing alright
Without a view of the city lights
I believe I found my soul
At the bottom of a hill

It’s the yin and yang of the business thang
Everyone sings when the register rings
Everyone cries when the money dries up
While you and I tough it out
We’ve got more wind chimes
Than we have trees
More prayers than time
To spend on our knees
I’m here for you you’re here for me
Let there be no doubt

there's not a you tube video for this song, damn them!!! ::raising my fist at you tube:: ah, i suspect if you go to terri's website, you can find a link for at least some of the song...if you're interested.

ok, off to get my kiddo from robotics and head to mass for some more good music.
peace out

simplicity and being fine

"every day is a winding road
i get a little bit closer
every day is a faded sign
i get a little bit closer to feeling fine."

--sheryl crow

"and the less i seek my source for some definitive
the closer i am to fine."

--indigo girls

i often think about these two lyrics. how similar they are. then my friend bonnie made this quote the other day...

I suppose I have a tendency to look too deep and forget that the simple things are sometimes just as important as the ones you have to dig for.

and i thought, yep...i know exactly what you mean. it seems almost universal...but there are so many words to express it. and i love all three of these quotes for starters.

these were my musings as i caught a few rays today. it's partly cloudy outside, so it wasn't all about sweating...it was a nice balance of sweating and shade.

peace

swimming

or treading water...

hormones are amazing things...propelling our bodies forward...preparing them for what the future holds...even when our brains just can't wrap around the future.

yesterday was such a blue kind of day. ugh. but today's a little better. i mean, it's early yet...i guess i could still go either way, but i'm feeling like it'll be a little better. yesterday, nothing was making it better. well, i didn't actually buy any fried chicken, so that may have made it better, i guess i'll never know... but it was just one of those "sit in it" kind of days...because i just wasn't motivated to do anything. and i was a little worried... but then i thought about how i'd probably feel better if i just went to bed early. and it was kind of hard. because my spouse and second born left for four days this morning...and i really wanted to be in a better place the night before...but sometimes i want blue or brown eyes or cooler weather or to have a bigger house and, well, wanting it doesn't just change what is. so i went to bed early. and woke up again and again thinking surely my spouse had fallen asleep on a floor somewhere and would be late meeting the other dad and robo-kiddo going on the trip. but i'd find him getting his stuff together somewhere...probably enjoying that i wasn't tsking or sighing every time he'd reach for something he wanted to take that i didn't think he needed, wanting us to go to bed at a decent hour, being frustrated he was keeping us up. (i guess i have some stuff to work on there...when i'm not always exhausted and feel the need to stay up and be "helpful"....)

so i woke up in a better mood today. woke the whole house up to say good-bye to our family members who'd be gone. wish them luck. tell them how much fun they'd have. (ok, my spouse wasn't the one who needed all the reassurance...second born was a little nervous about the whole thing...and rightfully so...this is big stuff...exciting, cool, fun stuff...i'm thrilled for him)

i'm actually kind of glad my spouse will be gone for awhile. sometimes, when i'm having a rough time, i want him to help me out. which is nice and he tries, but when i'm feeling really low, he's really no help. he doesn't know what to do. he wants to help me the way i want the house clean...i really, really want it...i know it will make lots of things better and it's important to me...but there are so many more attractive distractions and i really only get around to doing something about it a fraction of the time i wish i did. and i'm okay with this. i don't particularly like wading into the depths of my spouse's personal shit, anymore than i like cleaning bathrooms. so it's good for him to leave for a bit, so i can find my own feet again. i just wrote about depression being a hole we fall down, down, down in...waiting for someone or something to grab us and stop the descent...and it's not until we realize that we're the ones that have to stop it by standing on our own two feet that we actually stop sinking lower. i realized that last night. that with dh leaving, i'd probably find my feet. and it was good. i mean, it's not like i had to kick him out...we already had this trip planned...good stuff. things working out, and all that jazz.

there are a lot of things i am working through, i guess. and the extra hormones are making it all feel like i'm trying to do this in fog and on drugs or something. i don't know... plus i think i have allergies going on, but i'm in denial, which means i'm not doing my neti pot, which means i'm having allergies and not helping myself...what is that mechanism??? it's so not helpful but so deeply ingrained in me. anyway...i'm actually using my writing journal lately. i guess some stuff is kind of deep and feels too raw to put on a blog. i'd like to think if i air a bit, look it over on paper, i'd find it not so big and scary and go ahead and write about it here. i've stopped writing much at all, and i'm sure that's not helping me either. i also need to get back on the treadmill regularly...but i think these are probably things i'll move back towards...now that i've got a few days on my own...where who's responsible for what is a little clearer. i'm optimistic...and that itself feels like sunshine.

peace

busy, busy, busy

and feeling overwhelmed. we're making it through, we're doing it (kind of like that feeling when you first stay up on a bike...i didn't learn to ride til i was eleven, so that one is particularly etched in my brain...), but i am looking forward to a break.

this past week i...

went to a funeral for my grandmother. it was a really nice funeral. we always laugh at funerals in that family...everyone gets a little manic, i think, to be honest. i mean, there are tears, too. it was good to hear such great memories and stories about my grandmother. it is a weird feeling to attend a funeral for someone that alzheimer's has been slowly taking away over the last decade. my grandmother was such a difficult woman when i knew her...it was really neat to hear stories of the woman she was before i knew her. it was a letting go even though it's been a gradual letting go for so long...but at the same time, there was so much receiving i didn't expect. i am glad i went.

got a baby niece. she was born tuesday. she had her first major surgery on wednesday....to repair a bowel obstruction. they removed a little over half of her intestines...but her prognosis is very good. i am sure her parents feel much like those little chamois you run through those rollers at the car wash to get all the water out of them so you can go back to drying the car...but really, really relieved and grateful chamois, you know?

figured out how to get my oldest to a rock climbing competition (almost four hours away) and my third born to his soccer game (and soccer pictures) at almost the same exact time on saturday morning. my spouse will still be at work at that same exact time, just to explain why i'm so damned impressed with myself. but really, the credit goes to my bil for agreeing to take my oldest to the comp. you know what? i'm going to give myself a little credit, too, for asking him. i'm still a little mortified that i asked for something so big, but the relief when he said yes is so much greater than the mortification...

and that's all i'm going to blog about... really, i came here to post that even though i feel wiped out, stressed out, worn out, and strung out a lot lately...i can still be stopped and moved by the beauty of life, whatnot. a mama posted about kd lang singing leonard cohen's "hallelujah" in my cyber tribe and i just had to you tube it...it.is.beautiful. (i wanted to say, i know the people waving in the background of her singing is annoying, but i spent a lot of time watching you tube clips of kd lang singing this one yesterday, and i just loved her voice and the sound quality of this one...even though visually, it is so distracting...and dar, i sat here crying listening to it again this morning...thanks for sharing it)


and here's an indigo girls song off their new cd (which i have and i like a lot...it's a little more mellow than their few previous, but there are some beautiful songs on there...like this one...i love the part at the end when she says the one she's waiting for is me...well, her, not me...ugh, just listen)


so there's my week in review. i get to stay home this weekend and aside from soccer, i don't have many commitments. well, i have robotics and such, but i have big blocks of time i can use to get caught up on all the stuff that's sat and waited while i was running around crazy the last few weeks.

peace out

shifting

i don't know where i got the idea that life was supposed to be stable...flat, smooth, whatever. but i have long pursued that goal. and now i understand that the reason i haven't achieved it isn't because of some defect of my character, laziness of my person...i haven't achieved it because it is unreal. life doesn't work that way. it's not always these huge shifts, like what split our continents...but it is not stagnate.

there is a shift going on in my household that has gotten my attention. my teenager is ready to do things on his own...to be a little more independent. when we went to dinner monday to celebrate chinese new year, he went to climb with the rock climbing team. and this was kind of depressing to me...depressing in a way that made me want to stamp my foot and say "no! you're coming with US...we like you better than those rock climbing fools" (and i should say here that i like the rock climbing fools just fine...they are not fools at all, but when one is tantruming, one's integrity tends to get drowned out by the screaming two year old). instead, i let him go and i pouted...i brooded...i let myself be pretty disgruntled by the whole thing for the whole ride home and a few minutes after getting there. then my bil and nephew got to my house, and we were all cracking up together, waiting for my spouse to get home so we could go surprise the hell out of some chinese restaurant in our small town with the knowledge that there are, in fact, chinese folks living around here...

at dinner, as i looked at my three other sons and my nephew, my bil and my spouse and i, all sitting at this table, eating way oversalted chinese food, laughing and talking, i felt the absence of my oldest. and i saw a future with more of his absences...and even the eventual absence of the other little traitors, er, i mean kids at the table. it made me tear up some.

i know them growing up is part of the goal...it has to be. i don't want them to be dependent on me for every meal, every dime, every car ride or homework reminder, for the rest of their lives. i know they are good people already. and they look forward to each new opportunity, each new experience. my oldest is really getting independent. and i've seen more of the good man he's becoming as he's travelled out on his own than i ever had the chance to witness when i held him under my wing. but it makes me appreciate these times of transitioning all the more.

when my youngest was growing passed toddlerhood, i remember wondering if this would be the last time i nursed him, the last diaper i'd change, the last time i'd cut his food into tiny little chunks. but now i wonder if this is the last time my oldest will let me grab him in a cradle hold on my lap, laugh at my dumb jokes, talk to me about girls. i doubt so, but i've never done this before...it's all new terrain for me.

it also occurs to me how my job as his mom has changed. how it's not for me to remove him from situations that may be difficult...how he's chosen a challenging path because he WANTS the challenges...me suggesting he avoid them at times only undermines his sense of what he's capable of handling...geez, what a crazy balance.

i just got in touch with a friend i used to spend a lot of time with after i went back to school in 1999. i'd met him at camp and i thought the world of him. he had an energy to him such that just being in his presence made me feel better. after he found me on facebook, i noticed he had some AA stuff in his bio. so this morning, he sent me the story of the last few years. he doesn't remember much of our time hanging out, other than he feels so grateful to have found me, see my family, be back in touch. he was drinking heavily, which i knew, smoking out a lot, which i figured, and also branching into other things, which i had no idea of, at that time. i always knew he had the ability to turn his life into what he has now. the part of him that's turned things around and been grown during those difficult years for him, was always there...it just needed the chance to come forward, which meant all the bullshit had to burn itself out. and that took time...it always does. but as i chatted with my friend, i thought, how would i feel if my teenager brought home someone like this man when i first met him? would i be okay with it? would i allow him the chance to experience the full gambit of life that i've had the opportunity to experience with him? or would i become afraid and try to get him to end his friendship? i don't know. but it is something i will definitely be thinking about for the next decade or longer, i suppose.

yesterday, i was telling some friends about this feeling of being overwhelmed...of vacillating back and forth between "i got it" and "i am in way over my head." a friend said i sounded like i was swinging on a vine, trying to get bananas. something about that image really struck me...that life is about swinging...i always think i will find that point of balance and stay there forever (you know, once i'm really good at it and stuff). but i don't think that's how it works. i think we swing back and forth, sometimes in big arcs, sometimes in smaller ones...but i think balance comes in recognizing it when we're there...not necessarily digging our fingernails in and trying to stay there...but knowing we'll return there again and again. i don't think there's any other way to look at life once i've admitted i am not in control of every aspect of it, nor can i be.

one of the things my friend said to me today...

personally, I had it all wrong, i am not on this earth for me but for me to be available to you, you being anyone i can be useful to

i hope my sons have the chance to know and love and learn from people like i have...
peace

five important words

this-is-not-about-me

i saw my the-rapist today. it was a good one. i was talking to her about the dynamics of the meeting my robotics team and parents had last night. about how hard it is to go forward with a group of adults i feel have such different philosophies from me. but i still feel responsible to this team, responsible for part of this journey. and how to reconcile a lot of that...find the flat place--you know, the one that's not slippery or jagged. so we talked about different people's expectations when it comes to competition...particularly adults coaching children in competitions. it helped to hear her say that my co-coach was making the classic mistake of making this about her...not because i needed to hear i was right, but because there was understanding and even a hint of forgiveness in the-rapist's voice when she said it...and that's what i'm striving for. the-rapist helped me remember that it is not the end of the world for children to have adults who make mistakes leading them...i can even turn out alright when those adults are completely unable to admit they ever made a mistake. my job isn't to remove all of those challenges from children's lives...it's to be there alongside them as they walk through them, helping as best i can...which often means just being quiet and being there.

i find this challenging to me because i want to believe my ideals are right...are good. and i do. but it would help if everyone was jumping to get on the same bandwagon...would make it seem all the more right and good. but there are lots of good bandwagons out there...some of them driven only by a person or two, i suppose. and whether someone agrees with me or not...well...it is not about me. it is about many other things and i'm not one of them. i like it when the-rapist says these words, because she holds up her five fingers. now she doesn't even have to say them...i know what the five raised fingers means.

i am sure things will turn out just fine. i will find a balance and not spiral into craziness... this is a team of people led by good intentions...no one is trying, purposely, to sabotage anyone. i feel my awareness reaching an equilibrium...a place where i won't be so easily toppled. i just keep waiting for my emotions to settle down and follow suit.

i laughed on the way home from counseling today, though, because i was listening to brandi carlile and "my song" came on. to me, it seems like a song that is supposed to be about her, but she can't help but define herself by this other relationship...so as she basically sings this song to another person, she keeps going back to "but this is my song"...it makes me laugh because i have so long defined myself by my relationships, successful and unsuccessful both, that these five words are really, really hard sometimes. but i can see a lot of light beyond that doorway if i can get myself to fully walk through...

peace

note to myself...

i like today's oscar wilde quote...

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

ok, now my note...

it has been a really long week...and a busy one, too. oldest started classes an hour away. oldest also started rock climbing practice with the team on thursday evenings. oldest and third born started piano on wednesdays. i still need to call to begin second born's flute lessons. co-op starts next week as well as rock climbing class for the three bigs. and i need to register third born for soccer. oh, and second born turned eleven yesterday, which was a very cool, very successful celebration with friends and family and i am very grateful for those who love us here... all of that proceeding after a competition weekend (complete with teenage tantrum last friday) and it was quite a ride.

i think we are going to be able to do this schedule...i do. i don't think i'm kidding myself too much in thinking that. but i have to say that i am not sure where my treadmill time fits into this new schedule. and tonight, as i feel myself sort of vibrating with tension and maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, i realize that treadmill time is important and must be a priority to some degree. let me say this again (for myself) TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT... otherwise i will be grouchy, tense, negative, unhappy, and probably not fit into the jeans i have. i will probably eat a bunch of crap to compensate, thus making me feel worse. i will want interaction but not have the patience for it. i will feel antsy and hungry for something, but not able to find what i want, thereby consuming many things...junk food, relationships, hours at the computer doing nothing, whatever gets in my path. i don't think i'm being overly pessimistic, and i realize that all of this will not happen at once. thank god it hasn't yet, anyway. but these are the things i think may be related to leading a quick paced life, trying to meet lots of people's needs, and having lots of thoughts about all of it, but when i only worry in my mind about things i cannot control, and do not give my body a physical outlet for some of that energy/worry, my body starts to come up with some crazy ideas about how to work it out... i think my eczema will flare, too. and considering i've only begun to settle the last flare up, it will not be pretty. trying to accomplish all i've listed while scratching my skin off in "unladylike" places would just be too much, i think... so, once again, TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT.

ok, on a side note...a friend of mine from CAMP called me today to play this song we used to sing, "rainbow made of children" for me. it was funny, because the words were different and it was sung by a band...very different from the only way i'd ever heard it, which was with counselors and campers singing at flagpole...and i've heard it hundreds of times like that. turns out she'd bought the soundtrack to the billy jack movies and this song was on there. someone had changed the words a little and made it a CAMP song...which i found hilarious. so did she. this is probably one of the reasons we're friends... anyway, you tube didn't have the rainbow song on it, but they did have another song she played me called "one tin soldier". i used to sing this at the lutheran church camp i'd attend in the summers. it was really cool to hear it again and it cracked me up that it was on the billy jack soundtrack. sure enough, you tube came through...

peace

comfort

tuesday, i was rocking my nephew to sleep, and the kids were watching cyber chase. now, i know sometimes it's strange to see a thirtysomething woman who can name the characters on children's programming better than adult programming, but i also know most of the mamas who read this blog can do that, too. so i am not going to get hung up on feeling strange here... but matt and inez were having a disagreement...matt had hurt inez's feelings by joking around about her vocabulary. and as i was drifting off, rocking baby s, and i heard some of the interchange between inez and matt, i was struck by this warm feeling as i listened to the comfort the actors were able to put in the voices of these characters...yes, they were arguing...but they were obviously very comfortable in their friendship and that was what i was struck by in my state of semi-consciousness. (award winning voice actors on pbs....it could happen...)

now, monday night i had met a mama from my cyber tribe. and it was so comfortable. we just launched into conversation and friendship and sharing...it was pretty seamless. i left just amazed by how comfortable we were...

this week, an old friend found me on facebook. and it was kind of weird, in the way that internet and two dimensional communication can make things so weird sometimes...but we kept at it, and there's a good level of comfort returning. there was a lot of comfort in our friendship when we were younger... i've been smiling all morning thinking about our emails going back and forth.

comfort is sometimes seen as kind of weak. the easy way. candy assed or soft. but in these relationships i'm talking about...ok, leave out the cyber chase thing since it's fictional...it's not always easy to do the things you need to be comfortable in a relationship. sometimes it is easier to put up defenses...and while it may be somewhat more comfortable to be defended or feel protected, it can also be lonely as hell. and saying the things you feel, being honest, offering yourself up and allowing someone else to accept you...this is not always easy shit. it can be really scary. and if you go at it with too much fear, it can really knock you down. so being comfortable in yourself, being comfortable in relationships...this is really hard, tough, courageous stuff. but it doesn't just take your own courage...it's a group effort. and i'm grateful for those...past and present...that i've been blessed to get to work with.

and that is what i've been wanting to write all week...
peace

ps--here's a song i heard on the way home from meeting my mama friend, carol. it just kind of captured what i felt was the ultimate spirit that we shared that night...yes, we're both morbidly intense and we covered a million different topics and again, it was such natural sharing...but this song made me see the two of us in a similar light...

peace out

sun and moon

ok, i'm a little tired, but i've been thinking about this one for a few days now...

saturday, as we drove to our robotics competition, at the butt crack of dawn...no, i don't know what time that really is, but i am not a morning person...if it is still dark and we are calling it morning, i call it the butt crack of dawn...so there's that.

at the butt crack of dawn on saturday, we were driving down the interstate. on the left side of the interstate, the sun was just barely beginning to put a little light in the sky. on the right side of the interstate, i could still vividly see the moon behind clouds. i do want to say that i was a passenger that day, so i never really dialed in to what i was seeing. i did think it was beautiful and i did comment on it, but then i just went back to staring at the road ahead and not thinking of much of anything.

but this morning, as i drove my teen to his first day of his dual enrollment class...at a campus where almost everyone smokes, and many of the young men drive horribly, and they all have their pants hanging below their butts (i mean what is that? i know i did some goofy stuff to fit in...yes, my hair was quite tall for awhile there, but what's the deal with wearing your pants below you ass? can you even reach pockets behind your knees? i don't think so...)...anyway...you get the idea. it was kind of a more grown up thing that when he takes biology in a classroom with bible verses all over it, if you know what i mean. but on the way up there (because it's an hour drive...feel free to recommend or lend good audio books), the sun was up and the moon was still out. we watched the sun come up. it was neat. we kept waiting for the moon to retreat. but it didn't. i don't know where it finally went. it was like instead of going down, it was backing up...almost vaporizing itself or something.

and it made me think of the duality of things. opposites. can you have one without the other? and can they exist at the same time? i don't normally think that opposites can happen at the same time. i know my kids can be beautiful and awful...but i don't normally feel both at a given moment. it's like a movement between these two extremes along a continuum...so how can it be both at once?

this weekend was the culmination (for now anyway) of much practice, much work, much learning, much growth. and it was not all fun. it did not all feel good. i don't even know if you put the warm fuzzies in one side of a balance and the pissed off freezies (like that one? i just made it up) in the other, which side would be heavier... but it was good. many, many good things came out of it. and i am glad we did it. it left me empty as hell last night. (AND i started my period...how is that fair?) but it will fill me up for a long time...and give us so much fodder for more growth.

here are some lyrics to a song i was listening to today that i really liked...

every day is a bank account
time is our currency
no one's rich, no body's poor
we get twenty-four hours each

so how are you gonna spend
will you invest or squander?
try to get ahead
or help someone who's under?

that's just the stuff my worn out brain was thinking about today...not a whole lot of conclusions...just some stoned on tired observations, i guess...
peace

frustration

i'd like to work passed it, so i will just get some out in this here blog...

communication...my spouse says, "i'm sorry you're disappointed." i say, "don't apologize to me for my emotions." (i felt this was an important distinction) he said, "i'm sorry i disappointed you." now, i wasn't disappointed. well, i guess you could say i was, because disappointment is a very broad emotion, but it is not what i would've chosen as my emotional state. also, i wouldn't have held him singularly responsible for my emotional state either, but didn't really feel, at this point in the too long conversation we'd been having that he'd find that particularly relevant either. my spouse likes to choose his words...and once they've been chosen, getting him to change course in his thoughts is like trying to change the course of a river with toothpicks...it is difficult...and after a lengthy "discussion," i just didn't have the energy. plus, i realize that he does not worry about soothing me when i've disappointed him. and perhaps in my rush to be sure he's not being too hard on himself when i've let him know he's disappointed me, i've made it so that he's untouched by it... well, not untouched and really, i'll never know how much my disappointment affects him...he'll probably never really know either. but i just thought i'd let him rest with the emotion for a little bit and have some confidence in his ability to work through emotions...the same way he has confidence we'll work through whatever he throws our way...whether he's saying what he thinks or just some made up bullshit...whichever... (ok, that was a little more bitter than i wanted it to sound...obviously i have some work to do on this one...and i'm working on it...i am....)

robotics...let me just say that my teenager is handling the tension there better than i am. i just don't understand why my co-coach feels the need to be so directive. it's like she's driving the bus and our team is in the backseat, cutting up, throwing spitballs, you know...all the stuff kids do in the backseat. and these guys are old enough to drive. well, not a car...but themselves in preparing for this competition. she doesn't give them a chance to appreciate what they've accomplished and then set the next goal. she just keeps pushing. and i feel like none of them really give much of a shit anymore. hell, i'm having a hard time mustering a flying fart about it lately...

parenting...i don't know why, but this has been a challenge lately. it's like, there's kindness and that's all good and well, but let's be funny, because that's more important than kindness. let's be sarcastic and competitive and put each other down...but all in good fun, right? which requires some kindness, but i feel like people only want to put forth the minimum amount of kindness needed to have good will when they really want to be shitty. all this, "he needs to know the truth" or "i care about him and he needs to be tough." i get tired of this. and after having six males under my care for this past week, plus my spouse popping in to add his own testosterone, i'm a little d.o.n.e with it. why can't people just be kind? why is that wimpy or whatever? my nephew has this illusion of being self-sufficient and strong and adaptable...and those are good things, but the idea that he doesn't need anyone...and that he's frustrated and weak when he does...i felt good i could listen and mostly just love him, even when his words made me want to puke. why can't people just admit they need other people? not to wipe your nose or your ass, but just a shared existence? whatever that is for whoever we're talking about...and yes, i guess some folks do in fact need someone to wipe their nose or their ass and there is nothing wrong with that, either. i need to buy this tshirt that says "we're here to get over our disillusion of separateness" or something like that. but it's this yucky blue color, so i haven't. but it is hard to parent young men who are able to dialogue and be kind to one another...who can joke around, but who watch the other person's face to see if it's too much, or just listen to the other person's words if they ask my guys to stop. to be responsive to another person, i guess is what i'm trying to say. it would be nice to be able to do this with someone who valued kindness and self-accountability the same way. oh, i know i sound all high and mighty in this, and i don't mean to. i am not perfect, that's for damned sure. but i do value kindness and i wish sometimes i could parent with someone who valued that as highly as i do, that's all...

i think that's really about it...or at least the high points. there are other things i am working on in myself...trying to be a little more independent. not totally independent...yes, i read what i write...but to change my own self accountability, not to my kids, but in my internal life, maybe...i don't know how to say it. i am also trying very hard to take care of myself...not necessarily in a pure way...moderation...this is my theme for this year, but i'll write about that later. but i am trying to run a little every other day, work out as often, and take my vitamins more regularly. i'm also going to be journaling more often, whether here on my blog or in my paper journal. i am ready to begin taking a more steady approach in maintaining a healthy balance in life.

hey, so in the interest of balance, one good thing today...i got to visit with a friend this afternoon when i picked my boys up from her house. (dh had dropped them off) i hadn't seen her in awhile, and she has family visiting, but it was good to see her. and she reminded me we're not too far from all those nice, normal things we used to do on a regular basis starting up again....relief.

peace

that place

so i just unloaded this on my spouse earlier today. it was a busy day yesterday, followed by a night where i just didn't want to be alone. but the universe lined up to make it so...everyone was busy. and that was fine. i mean, it wasn't...but i KNOW there are times in life when it is good to be quiet, to be alone, to spend time with yourself...i was just doing all i could in my power to not go along with that last night. i wasn't in the mood. didn't feel like cooperating. whatever. so i finally just read twilight...brain candy...emotional candy...and i think i have a cavity today. oh well...you buys your ticket, you takes your chances...

so last night's anxiety...it's about that place....i was thinking about marriage, i was thinking about faith, i was thinking about parenting, even. i came up with this analogy about working out...

there's that place between working out hard and working through pain to reach a new level of work out vs. working out until you're in pain and hurt yourself so badly you need surgery. one kind of pain you work through, the other you should listen to, right? i mean, from this angle it's clear...but sometimes when i work out, i'm not so sure which pain it is...

marriage...you make a vow, put on the rings, have the party and then life continues, right? and sometimes it's good and you feel good, keeping the vow isn't so hard. then maybe it's not good, but you keep the vow and eventually it's alright. but then there are those times that things are hard for awhile...don't get good...don't even get alright....how long's too long? how long's long enough? (these are rhetorical...each person has to decide i realize...)

faith...certainly there are times that faith requires obedience to the will of a higher power in times of uncertainty. but that high power also gave us the gift of free will. and my philosophy students and i were talking about plato's cave the other day...and even they realize that sometimes it's just easier to stay in the cave....but there's that whole free will thing...

parenting...my husband says i like for everyone to feel good about what they're doing. he says sometimes the kids need the cold, hard truth. (which he seems uniquely able to give them, fortunately or unfortunately)

and all of this has landed on opposite ends of the same general continuum for me lately. (oh, i forgot aging, but that just has to do with realizing i'm getting older...not much of a continuum there. well, there's a continuum, but it's going in just one direction, you know? bahaha) anyway...all this continuum stuff leads me to....

balance...sigh. and here i am, feeling so out of that. but it reminds me of the email i posted a few days back and how the writer talked about the continuum being "better" and "not so better" and how you don't know which way is up because of all the variables you can't account for. and THIS is exactly how i feel today.

whew, i feel better for getting that out...
peace

balance

i think i mentioned that my spouse's schedule is a little funky, so i'm not getting to run lately. at least, not on my treadmill. my sister just reminded me i could do it outside, but do you really want me to tell you how hot it is?....again?....

so there's been all this thinking going on without any physical outlet to let some of this energy work itself out. and i think that's why i've had a nagging headache for a few days. i thought it was caffeine related, but now i'm not so sure. which, again, strikes me how subtle our actions are that maintain some balance...how things affect us in ways we aren't even aware of...how easy it is to upset the balance because it's difficult to realize all that's influencing it. more mystery...

but i will say that i think where mystery and personal responsibility meet and clash is at the line of accountability. who to blame when things go wrong? but i guess what i'm figuring out is that blame serves no one and is so misguided...there's that feeling of if we know how or why something went wrong, we can keep it from happening again. but i think that's a big old maybe. because, like i said, if things that influence outcomes are subtle, then how can we guarantee anything can be avoided? and at what cost? and for what unforeseen result?

so while i learn about and recognize a balance between my mental activity and my physical activity, i do wonder about a balance between the mystery and the not so mysterious...or maybe it's all mysterious...or none at all...(kind of chasing my tail here, huh?)

back to my coffee...
peace

still in the race

i'm running another half marathon in november. my ultimate goal for me is a full marathon in april. but now my sister in law has thrown in the possibility of a triathlon next year, too. intriguing, i must admit...although i have not made up my mind on that one.

why do i do these things? now that i'm well into my thirties, have given birth to four kids...i have never run competitively...well, i guess i really still don't, to be honest...but i was never a runner before and now i am. why?

because i have four children. four sons. and they are growing into, yes, i'll say it, young men. i mean complete with raging hormones and changing bodies young men. and i want them to marry strong women. but they say we marry our parents. (i think i married my sister, to be honest, but that's a whole 'nother story...) and i want to be a good person for my kids to model their expectations of people on. so i try to be fun, i try to be kind, and i try to be active because life offers a lot more opportunities to those who are able to take them. and it gets tiring being left behind while your kids run on up to the snowline, or finish the climb, etc... but like everything, there's a balance....oy, always with the balancing...

i realized last night that when i go to bed, i usually pray and meditate...try to end the day on a good note. lay it at the cross, they say, right? but it occurred to me that i rarely pray or meditate in the morning. why don't i ever try to start the day on a good note? maybe i wouldn't have to pray so much, lay so much down at night if i'd distribute things a little more evenly?... i don't know. but i am game for most new experiences (except for eating chicken feet...i do not eat chicken feet...won't even try them) so i tried some meditation and prayer this morning. did a little reiki, although i'm still new to the reiki stuff so i rarely admit to trying it. (i think of it just as a different position for praying right now...)

anyway... my morning went well. i've already worked out, so that's a good thing. and my kids have been playing dungeons and dragons all morning, quietly, cooperatively, peacefully (well, as peaceful as one can be slaying trolls and finding secret passages with boots of invisibility or inconsistency or whatever my oldest, aka the dungeon master, has come up with). my littlest has been a doll this morning as he now measures the piano with my sewing tape. my two middles are spending the night at a friends' house and the rest of us will go to dinner at my bil's.

left foot, right foot, pray/reiki, breathe...
peace

weebly wobbly

when i was a kid we had these toys called weeble wobbles. my sister had cars and a whole house for them. they were neat. egg shaped plastic things with faces under the plastic surface. like people. always ended up upright. and i mean always...my sister and i used to try to get them to stay laying down a lot.

so the fun part of weeble wobbles (besides saying it) was watching them move, because once they were still, they were like any other little people-ish toy. i loved flicking them and watching them rock, sway....like a pendulum. til they found their center and quit moving.

i am not a weeble wobble...although if you took my legs off, i'd be remarkably shaped like one. but i don't have a center that keeps me from moving...i am always rocking, swaying...inside, outside....literally, figuratively. well, not in my sleep.... anyway... i am feeling pretty emotional still. but also wanting to get on with regular old boring life... appreciative and petty, generous and self-centered, understanding and intolerant, like i'm part of something huge and like i'm the center of the freaking universe...all at the same time. weeble....wobble.....

i'm alright...i'm not. i guess the average is somewhere in between.

i love my kids. and my husband...well, i know he's a good person.....even when he makes me kind of crazy. and i'm going to finally plant my seeds for my garden i will plant this spring. these things i know...i'm fairly solid on them. kids, spouse, and gardening...my trinity for the day, i guess...

peace