i just don't want anyone to get hurt

so awhile back we went and saw the new indiana jones movie...last weekend, maybe... and it was great indiana jones. i figured the big screen of the drive-in would make it a little less intense for my guys who are not so experienced in the capabilities of special effects when conveying scary stuff. and then there's the fact that at the drive-in, you don't have to cover your eyes when you're scared. you just look up at a beautiful field of stars, and instead of being a chicken, you're a star gazer. how cool is that?

when we got home, there were a few "concerns" at bedtime. and the one that was the most concerned was my second born son, my ten year old. he kind of looked at me, rolled his eyes a little, and said, "it's ok...mostly..." in a voice that said "i'm not feeling safe to go to bed...sorry." and it was the apology in his voice that got me. because i was the same way as a child. i could watch scary movies with the rest of everyone, but my parents put a stop to it. because they were the ones who ended up by my bed at night while i was wide awake, looking out for the radioactive children from the bus that drove through the funny cloud and had black fingernails and burned and killed everyone they touched in that small town...just in case they showed up in my bedroom, you know?

so i hug my son...i tell him that those guys are fine....they LOVE what they do...get paid LOTS of money to do it. that they are having the times of their lives making it look like they're in danger or hurting one another or whatever. and aren't they quite good at that? at which point he looks up at me and says, "i just don't want anyone to get hurt." and i hug him closer and get tears in my eyes.

because i feel, at times, like we live in a world that would annihilate a boy who says that. would call him a sissy, tell him to "toughen up," and make him hide that part of himself so far down, no one would ever find it again. embarrass him, mock him, whatever it took. i see stuff like this often...our society doesn't even pretend to be kind much of the time. they make fun of people without even a hint of kindness, apology, or sense of shared humanity is what i guess i'm really getting at. and i love that my son is so openly sensitive. that he remains who he is while caring for others...even when the others tell him he should be different. i learn a lot from him.

i told him i understood...that i don't want anyone to get hurt either. and that even though people do still get hurt, they heal, too, and that's sometimes better than staying safe. he looked at me and smiled this smile... sometimes i think he knows stuff i haven't even begun to ponder yet.

i don't know why i get so defensive about that part of myself and those i love. it's really unnecessary.

i was feeling kind of defensive last night because trying to be peaceful and gentle...trying to believe that people have the answers in themselves and just need time and love to find them...and that there's really no need to hurt someone...that we all have equal value as human beings...is not easy. you watch others come in and try to direct someone, tell them what they need to do, maybe the other person tries it for awhile, and then maybe it all blows up or falls apart or sets them back a little or forward a little or whatever. and there you are, watching the whole thing, loving everyone involved even though you're human...you might feel a little impatient with the whole situation...with some one's need to be in charge and tell others what to do...or some one's inability to stand up for themselves. and here you are...watching, loving, trying to be patient while everyone thinks you're a "yes" woman, or afraid to stand up for yourself, or unable to lead or direct. yet you know you've made this commitment, you have this core belief...and you can't help but stick with your truth, stay your course, it feels so deeply right, even though, frankly, a part of you is starting to want to go ahead and chunk it all out the window and just let fly with the negativity you are trying to convert to a positive energy to benefit everyone... ack.

this is getting a bit cynical here. but i will end it with saying that again, i could be the person any of those pronouns take the place of in the previous paragraph, and i know it. as much as i try to support people in becoming who they feel pulled to be, i know i blow it. i know i push. i am, in fact, quite human. ask my kids...they don't lie. they may have a moment of blind optimism, but give them a minute and it'll pass. as much as i despise people thinking any of those things about me, i know there are people i've thought those things about. it hurts me to be the thinker as much as it hurts me to be the feeler. and for some reason, seeing the truth in that sets me free...free from what others' may see in me and free from that same judgmental part of myself.

it is what i feel pulled to be and it is what i think i see reflected sometimes in my ten year old's eyes. he's already pretty much there. i think he's saving me a spot.

peace

ps--i've posted a version of this song before. i have always loved it, though i don't completely understand it. it's the indigo girls and emily sings beautifully, even though it's not the whole song. i can understand parts of the song, but not what the whole thing is saying, although maybe it is saying that when you take a nonviolent path, you don't last as long in this world...because those on a violent path maybe take you out. and that ultimately, that is a part of the path of nonviolence. of course, we'd all like to live to be as old at the dalai lama, but that's not a guarantee. for anyone, truly... still pondering...

healing

today had kind of a rocky start. by ten, i was thinking i needed to get whataburger for lunch and shove my mouth full of it...i was even considering getting a second burger just to rub all over me, so big felt my misery, i suppose. i was going to bathe myself, inside and out, with what i used to think of as comfort food, but what i now know will make me sick. so i was going to choose to make myself sick.

so after an hour or so on the computer, avoiding doing anything that might serve me well in the long run, i put on my workout clothes and got on the treadmill. well, i did lift a few weights and stretch first, but i spent an hour on the treadmill, walking, climbing, jogging....thinking, working, reading my reiki book. it was a good thing. i'm glad i did it. today was actually a big day for my treadmill time because there were some things i started thinking about that i wanted to work through a little with words...

i started out wondering why the hell my need for "comfort food" (which would make me sick) was soooo strong, so deep. i mean, i don't normally consider buying an extra burger to rub through my hair, so it was kind of weird to feel such an overwhelming craving for that. i've asked the mamas in my cybertribe why do do we do that? why do we want things that are bad for us? especially when we are feeling badly already? what is that tendency to do self injurious things when we are already hurting?

i was thinking for me, there's a belief that i'm not really worth goodness. so maybe i sabotage myself, because i think that's what i "deserve"? probably that makes some sense. but i really do believe, deep down, that life is good and we are all good and that the goodness in us and the goodness that is life are drawn together, even though there are all these little things that get in the way. so why is the default crappy? i mean, i didn't get the burger or burgers, and that's big, i think. but why was i craving them so much...

the reiki book today was talking about how reiki always works for the greatest good. i've been thinking a lot about the greatest good, even praying about it. it's right up my alley. it's God. but the book talked about how the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good for many is much greater than the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good just for yourself. this was big.

because last night i got in an argument with my spouse. and what it was over isn't important. but somehow, during it and afterward, i could feel how deep the well is for healing in me. healing i feel like i need, not that i feel like i can give, just to explain. and i had noticed that earlier in one of the blogs i didn't post. that while i am very concerned with pleasing people, making sure people know they are loved, experience joy...i am also endlessly needy for those same things. and that's kind of hard to balance. because while i want to always give, i don't often feel like i'm receiving much, i guess. i mean, i know i am. but when i am needy, it always seems like the cupboard's bare.

oh, and another thing i thought of was that my relationship with health is wonky. like, i've always felt being healthy was a defensive action...if you're fit, people can't put you down for not being fit. if you're not fat, people can't use that to hurt you. as though somehow your vulnerability justifies someone else's bad behavior toward you. but today, i started to see being healthy as a way of making sure i would be able to give and receive to the greatest ability and for the greatest good. i don't know...it definitely made me feel more joyful inside. because i don't work well defensively...it wears me out....totally kills the joy. if i am acting out of a concern that someone wants to hurt me, well, it just doesn't feel natural to me. not that i'm not aware there will be times people will want to hurt me, but i just see that desire as being an unhealed hurt for that person, and i don't feel very threatened by it. because we all have those, right?

i don't know...these are big shifts and hard to capture in words, but i just felt like it was time to try a little.

anyway...once i started reading in this reiki book about making ourselves channels for pure energy, allowing us to experience and live with the energy so long as we're willing to accept it for the intent of sharing it, well, then things started shifting. and i started seeing that when i receive healing, when i receive positive energy, it does not have to go in the bottomless pit of my "neediness" but can be shared as the positive energy it is. meaning it's an endless amount. because i have the ability to heal myself.

ok, i think that's enough for today. still trying to put feet to these rather lofty ideals.
peace