funny stuff

but not necessarily funny/haha...you know?

so my mom told me i was fluff last month. it really hurt my feelings, even though i know she and i have different standards about stuff... so that's old news...

well, i talked to her today, and it turns out my brother was getting ready to be sent back to prison for fourteen months. for a crime he committed right after he got out of prison the first time. which was a year and a half ago, for anyone who's counting or interested in the expediency and subsequent relevance of our judicial system to offenders who really are kind of, what's the word?...oh hell, he's my brother, i know the word....slow.

so as he's worked to get his life back on track the last year and a half...and let me tell you, i've watched his sense of time...doing the right thing for a year and a half for this guy is like five years...because it's just that hard. when he tells you he's only "slipped up" once or twice, you can be fairly certain it's more like five times. when he tells you it's been "weeks" since those slip ups, that's probably days. when it's been "months" since he's had a hit, it's probably more like a couple of weeks... i know there are patterns of behavior that are common with addicts, but my brother truly is just a little slow. (and yes, i have three brothers, and yes, they are all slow in their own way...i don't know what to tell you...my sister and i hogged all the quickness, i guess...lucky us?...)

anyway...my mother was all falling apart and talking about how she hopes my brother will use this opportunity to improve his life and get on the right track... and i had to remind her that he IS on the right track...that this side trip has to do with something he did a year and a half ago. that he's still all the good stuff she's been telling me she's so proud of. i don't know...stress makes people crazy sometimes...forget the stuff they know. like, all of a sudden she was acting as though my brother did something wrong last weekend...yeah, and i wonder where my brother got this slowness...

so i counseled my mom. i loved her. i supported her. i said kind, honest, "fluffy" stuff to her. and it wasn't easy. because she really pisses me off sometimes....and when she's all stressed about my adult brother's life going wonky, like she's the center or something....it is hard to be so fluffy, er, i mean nice to her. not that my anger changes anything. she's still my mom, i still love her, i still believe the things i said, even if i didn't want to that day...

so why am i talking about this?... because. sometimes people tell themselves you're just a nice person...maybe more evolved....more aware...fluffy. and maybe you hold tight to a belief that you should be honest...that how you treat people should be about what is true...not just what you feel when you are pissed off at them. because being pissed off at someone often says as much about your patience or self esteem or whatever as it does about their character or whatever...usually more, right? but don't think for a minute that being kind is easy. it's not. the fact that some people think it is easy for me to be nice...well, particularly as i was cussing to my sister and crying and yelling to my spouse...strikes me as kind of funny stuff.
peace

that place

so i just unloaded this on my spouse earlier today. it was a busy day yesterday, followed by a night where i just didn't want to be alone. but the universe lined up to make it so...everyone was busy. and that was fine. i mean, it wasn't...but i KNOW there are times in life when it is good to be quiet, to be alone, to spend time with yourself...i was just doing all i could in my power to not go along with that last night. i wasn't in the mood. didn't feel like cooperating. whatever. so i finally just read twilight...brain candy...emotional candy...and i think i have a cavity today. oh well...you buys your ticket, you takes your chances...

so last night's anxiety...it's about that place....i was thinking about marriage, i was thinking about faith, i was thinking about parenting, even. i came up with this analogy about working out...

there's that place between working out hard and working through pain to reach a new level of work out vs. working out until you're in pain and hurt yourself so badly you need surgery. one kind of pain you work through, the other you should listen to, right? i mean, from this angle it's clear...but sometimes when i work out, i'm not so sure which pain it is...

marriage...you make a vow, put on the rings, have the party and then life continues, right? and sometimes it's good and you feel good, keeping the vow isn't so hard. then maybe it's not good, but you keep the vow and eventually it's alright. but then there are those times that things are hard for awhile...don't get good...don't even get alright....how long's too long? how long's long enough? (these are rhetorical...each person has to decide i realize...)

faith...certainly there are times that faith requires obedience to the will of a higher power in times of uncertainty. but that high power also gave us the gift of free will. and my philosophy students and i were talking about plato's cave the other day...and even they realize that sometimes it's just easier to stay in the cave....but there's that whole free will thing...

parenting...my husband says i like for everyone to feel good about what they're doing. he says sometimes the kids need the cold, hard truth. (which he seems uniquely able to give them, fortunately or unfortunately)

and all of this has landed on opposite ends of the same general continuum for me lately. (oh, i forgot aging, but that just has to do with realizing i'm getting older...not much of a continuum there. well, there's a continuum, but it's going in just one direction, you know? bahaha) anyway...all this continuum stuff leads me to....

balance...sigh. and here i am, feeling so out of that. but it reminds me of the email i posted a few days back and how the writer talked about the continuum being "better" and "not so better" and how you don't know which way is up because of all the variables you can't account for. and THIS is exactly how i feel today.

whew, i feel better for getting that out...
peace

stuff and whatnot

i have done so much cleaning since we got home from soccer today. o's team lost today...4 to 1. his team plays very well...it's another season with a new team, so it's hard to play against teams who seem to know each other better than our newbies, but i have been impressed during both games i've been to with how well they do...well, you know, even though they've lost both games.

my two middles are spending the night with some friends tonight. that will leave me with my oldest and my youngest...which is almost perfect because i've been feeling like i'm trying to find the balance between extremes somewhat lately...

i've been thinking a lot about marriage...and love...aging...the progression of time...and the nature of god...stuff like that.

here's a song that i love and i've been thinking about a lot lately, as well. when i hear it on my cd, it makes me all teary eyed to think of this version...


peace

someone else's words...

a response i got to see today sent to a mama second guessing herself in her decision to homeschool...it reminded me of a friend i know, but i also know the person who wrote this, so it just made me smile and i wanted to put it here to save... (the technological equivalent of printing it, folding the paper in half, and sticking it in the book or journal that is current for me...)

Scott Peck defines Love as being "the willingness to improve one's self for
the benefit of another".

Much though people would like to believe in right or wrong, IMHO there is no
such thing -- there's only up or down the scale of better and not-so-better,
and you often don't know which way points to "better" because there's NO way
to know all the variables. So you agonize, you second guess yourself, and
then you pays your money and you takes your chance.

And you live with the lumps be they coal or gold.

True love is tough, and leads to much soul-searching.

So while you're agonizing, ponder this:

James Arthur Ray said: "Refusing to forgive is like taking a poison and
expecting the other person to get sick".

I say the only place that really works (meaning you poison the intended
person) is when the person you won't forgive is yourself. Poisoning
yourself for making a mistake is no different than poisoning your child
because THEY made a mistake.

And finally, coal is the substance of which diamonds are made...

Hope this helps

peace

gently and cautiously

so, there's a lot going on lately. life, whatnot. my head's been a pretty busy place, too. and my calendar? i'm ignoring it tonight...

i do know that times like this i would usually go wildly searching for something, anything...to make sense of it all, anchor me, stop it from happening, make it go away, make it funny, to eat, to drink, to distract me, whatever. but i'm kind of just sitting here waiting...watching...what can i say? life seems to move at the same pace whether i'm freaking out about it or not...

there's a lot i want to say...a lot i want to discuss. but some of it is so personal. and not just my personal stuff. and while i rarely use names, i still feel better to work on things on my own for a little longer until i share them...because even though the work is mine, it's often in response to things going on in the lives of those i love. i'm pretty sure they wouldn't care if i wrote about it here, but, well, i like to stress over useless stuff...snort...so let a girl have her fun.
peace

quick check in

i am not exactly "back," but i can feel some rhythm coming back into things...thank god.

i want to post this quote in the book i just started...

Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right way--this is not easy.
--Aristotle

yeah, that's pretty much about it...

well, and then this other quote in the book i just finished, i know this much is true, by wally lamb. man, that was a long book...almost nine hundred pages. and i don't know that what he said could have been said in less. but it was painful stuff at times...so, so much like life. pretty much, this book was like counseling...not the kind that leaves you feeling validated and lighter, either...the kind that lets you know you still have a lot of work to do and yes, you will get around to it because it will just sit there, fucking everything up, until you do. so how's that for an endorsement? anyway, the quote...

..."That's the trouble with survival of the fittest, isn't it, Dominick? That corpse at your feet. That little inconvenience."

so, otherwise, i'm plunking along merrily...snort. hsing is happening. dh's vacation is almost over and he is almost back to work. (why is it that these times of "rest" always seem to set the agenda for the "work" to be done in the months ahead?...just wondering.) i DID get to hold my grand niece...yes, she's perfect. and her mama wears motherhood beautifully. papa does, too.
okay...i'm out of here.
peace

ok, let's be real

house guests for five days...

now my spouse is on vacation for a week...

my schedule is a little off. and blogging isn't getting done. mindfucking, yes. blogging, no.

the best i can offer is at least my running counter is still logging some miles, so at least i'm doing that much for my mental health. and vitamins...we're back on vitamins.

so we'll be traveling some starting tomorrow. and maybe over the weekend. dh is a little spontaneous when it comes to these things, so really, all i can "plan" is not to plan and therefore, hopefully, stay open to the joy of it all.

maybe i'll be back by next monday...
peace