learning to walk and breathe again

this is my littlest skiing down his little bunny slope on our vacation last week. i taught him how to ski, i guess...even though i don't know how to ski. it's amazing what your children can motivate you to do when you aren't really motivated on your own. i really can't find any desire in me to learn how to ski, yet there i was, watching everyone, talking to the locals, because he wanted me to be his teacher...

i've been reading a book called anger. it's written by a buddhist monk who has written close to and maybe more than 100 books and this is the first one i read... yes, that is telling. i've always thought buddhism seemed beautiful. but it was feeling worn out from the weight of unresolved anger that brought me to reading a book written by a buddhist. i didn't actually go seeking a book written by a buddhist. but while i was in taos, i found a store called the white lotus. i felt so relaxed there and decided to give them a little business. anger was the first book that caught my eye...and even after looking at others, it was still the one i felt like i had to read.

i've been reading about the buddhist practices of meditative breathing and meditative walking, and i've been practicing these things. i've even done a little meditative running on the treadmill. it's amazing how much faster and more smoothly life passes without a million things going through my mind. i felt more energized running with my body while my mind was not "running" its own race. it feels funny to be relearning these things, but the experience inspires me to keep practicing.

the way i wrote this, i feel like i should say my children gave me the motivation to seek out some solution for resolving and learning to better deal with my anger. and maybe in some ways, they did. but not mostly. mostly, i just want to be a woman i'm comfortable with, trying to accomplish goals i'm proud of, in ways i feel inspired by. and i was getting pretty far from that. and that was making me miserable. i'm sure my children felt my misery and i'm sure it affected them in some way. and for that i am sorry and a bit ashamed. but i cannot shelter them from the difficulties of the world and i cannot hide myself from them, either. i can let them know that i honestly love them and would never hurt them intentionally, and that when i have a problem that gets in the way of those two things, i will work as hard as i can to fix it or change it. and i'll hope it's enough...

and i'll teach them to ski as best i can, right?...

we got back to schooling a little today. some math, a little reading. they're also going to cook today and i think they're pretty excited about that. they're content to take it easy with me as we relearn some of the things we'd forgotten, together...

peace