still learning what needs to be learned

i am so overwhelmed right now. and i know it will pass. shit, i hope it will pass.

i know residency is a difficult time. i know intern year is the hardest. i know this because every doctor i know tells me this to be true...and the look on their faces always conveys their complete and total sincerity. and sometimes i hate being here.

it is hard for me to say that. i don't know why. i can say i hate brussel sprouts, i can say i hate certain presidents, i can say i hate when the kids leave their crap all over the place. but it is hard to say i hate being in residency. the hours suck, the money worries suck, the stress and strain and lack of time or energy to focus on so much of what we love sucks, too...so why would it be hard to say i hate it? i guess because we chose this life. with the hope that when we get through this, it will all be so much better. and i feel like a failure that i hate this. but tonight...make no mistake...i hate it.

i am tired and bitter and resentful...i don't feel like making a go of it. i don't feel like doing the right thing or the best thing or even a good thing. i don't want to think about other people because i feel so empty and low right now... ok, that's not really true. there are many people i love and am so grateful for...i'm just feeling selfish right now.

my mom is in the hospital. truth be told, she's my stepmom. but since i spent the second half of childhood with her--gulp, the teen years--i feel like i have two moms. i think she'll be fine, but i know she does not feel good inside, and like my friend lana quoted from a U2 song tonight, what the soul wants, it will create. and i think this is the only way my mom knows how to make her life better or even different...by getting sick. probably an ulcer, but i have a feeling things will keep getting worse for her until some things in her life change. and as selfish as it sounds, i am terrified that this is how i will end up...eating myself up from the inside out because i don't know how to make a change on the outside.

i mean, there are many things i have done and continue to do to make small changes. and i believe they can add up to a big change. and i also know there are other things i can do to make a difference, too. and i have those planned...i really do. but times like now, i am immobilized by how huge the task seems...how deeply my feelings of desperation can reach. it takes my breath away sometimes.

i will look for that safe place to rest again. i usually find it eventually. (lot of adverbs there) ok, i always eventually find the damned spot. but sometimes i get anxious i'll lose it. i guess i find another then, right? ok, god help me, help me, help me... breathe....

peace