a long way down

so this is my second born, s...he turned ten on the day this picture was taken. he also learned how to stand up on a snowboard on this day. he actually got on a snowboard for the first time two days before this, but he couldn't actually come down a hill on one that day. he couldn't even get on the poma lift to get UP the hill on that first day. i cried that day, watching him try and try and TRY to get up that hill on that damned lift. and i cried because even though he fell every time, he always got back up and tried it again. (well, obviously not ALWAYS...but he did about fifteen times before he stopped and talked his dad into taking him up on the chair lift, which took him to the top of the mountain and took them an hour and a half to get back down because, well, turned out the problem wasn't JUST the poma lift, you know?...) anyway...i was proud of him for trying...sad it was so freaking hard to ride the lift...frustrated his dad couldn't understand why our son was being so "stubborn"...and just generally manic in my mind. it was, uh, exhilarating... (laughing out loud here)

ok, i'll just say it...this is the child i identify with the most easily. he's the one who looks the most like me (because those chinese genes just wiped out most of my stuff, you know?). and he thinks and acts a lot like me. so, i got a feel, up on that mountain, for how different watching his journey is going to be. how much of it i'll have to stand back and watch so as not to just take over it and work my own shit out on his life. well, i guess i do this, to some extent, in all their lives. (isn't being a mama fun?!?!) oh, i guess i'll just have to watch myself more closely...

i still haven't called a therapist. (grinning stupidly) but i will. today. probably. i don't know why i put it off this whole week. guess i was being "stubborn"... but see...i knew s wasn't being stubborn. i knew he just wanted to figure out snowboarding on his own. i knew he just wanted to TRY...and if he couldn't, fine...he'd take the lessons. but he was NOT taking the lessons until he knew he COULDN'T DO IT ON HIS OWN.... when he came down the mountain, i could tell he and his dad were tense. then he saw me, broke out in this huge grin, walked over to me (dragging his snowboard uselessly from one foot) and said, "i'm taking lessons next time." he looked so satisfied, relieved, happy, confident, relaxed. yeah...i'm calling a therapist this time. and working out. and reading. and journaling. but i'm pretty sure i'd suck at snowboarding.

peace

ps--here's a song i used to sing to my kids when they were small...well, not all that cool stuff at the end, but it wasn't really MY song, so i didn't feel comfortable embellishing the way sarah does...yeah, that's it...