babble

my spouse and i have had a kind of rough year. it's been a rough time since we made the decision for him to go to medical school in 2002. but medical school was a lot easier than the first year of residency has been...

he is really immersed in his profession. every night (that he's home), the man has either a medical journal or a medical textbook out, reading up on the details and intricacies of what he does in a day, what he sees, what he's responsible for. it's like a whole new culture...even a whole new language. i know his profession requires he be immersed because my spouse is just not an immersion type guy. he likes to know a lot about lots of things...but he's not really one to dwell. but i see him dwelling here. and i see how difficult it is...most of the time...well, really, just once in awhile. like maybe two or three times this year i have been conscious of how difficult it is for him. not because i'm a jerk. just because i've been a little more immersed these days as well.

my kids are growing. i can no longer say, "hey, let's go to the park" when every one's bored because now my older kids say, "which one?," or "who else will be there?," or "what are we going to do there?," or, my personal favorite, "well, can we drive thru on the way home?" and i am not exactly thrilled to be their new social director, to be honest. these guys have been soooo freaking bored this summer, and as much as i want them to have fun, i am not spoon feeding it to them. a friend of mine told me her mom used to tell her "only boring people get bored"....i keep forgetting to use that line! doh...

anyway... last night my husband and i were trying to interact... i'd go sit near him, he'd smile, then he'd forget i was there and go get something to eat. at which point i'd move to the computer, forgetting i was trying to spend time with him. then he'd wander in the computer room, look over my shoulder, and wander back to the front of the tv. rinse, lather, repeat. over and over. seriously, i think we did this about five different times. then, this stupid show called hopkins came on and while we both rolled our eyes, we ended up watching it. there's a couple on their way to divorce in that show...he's a surgical resident, she's a p.a. they have two kids. then there was the guy the brain tumor. it was quite a show.

we tried to talk later... our eyes got kind of lit...that look we get when we're getting ready to talk, share, laugh... but he'd talk about medicine and doctors and i'd talk about kids and mamas. and for some reason, all of our stories involved so much back story, neither of us had the energy to fill it all in. so it was a lot of start...huh?...never mind...you go...kind of stuff. it seriously made me think of the story in the bible where everyone starts speaking different languages, none of them the same. it was kind of weird. and it kind of sucks. but it's also kind of ok. it's just the way it is, really. i'm certain it'll never be the same. i am hopeful it will be better at some point.

i'm not always sure about this journey we are on. it is not an easy one. i know few are. but things sure seemed a hell of a lot easier before we took this turn. and i don't know why we do this, to be honest. i try to find a peaceful place inside of me, but then i look at where i am in life and think this is just stupid. what the hell was i thinking?!?! but then i remind myself that my spouse and i are friends, that we love, love, love our kids, and that our kids are really funny, terrific, well-balanced people. i think way more so than their parents. and maybe that's what'll happen. they'll keep us from going crazy...falling off the ledge i feel we walk so close to.

oh, speaking of ledges, did i mention i'll be taking my kids, without my spouse, and with my spouse's family, to the grand canyon for a week? tent camping? yeah...there's a ledge...literally and metaphorically, huh?

maybe the true babel is in my head. one part of me talking about peace and calm and the other scheduling these crazy things...making these crazy choices....both nodding with seeming understanding, but something being majorly lost in the translation. i don't know...

i don't think it's all that crazy...it's more just my size crazy. but i just had to get it out....
peace