conflict

conflict 1. state of opposition 2. fight; struggle

sometimes i feel like i'm a little preoccupied with the concept of conflict. ok, what was the term from heart of darkness by joseph conrad? "morbid fascination with the abomination"? maybe that's a little more accurate... i did notice yesterday that i often have more words for the problem than the solution. but i guess that follows eckhart tolle's assertion that problems originate in the mind and are perpetuated by the mind... i dunno.

i do know that when i was a kid, i spent a lot of time focused on avoiding conflict...conflict with me, conflict between my parental figures... and i guess that followed me into the rest of my life. but i will admit, that as i've become the adult, i've also become acutely aware of the conflict within me that i never even noticed before. but i'm making peace, sort of, with all that. because i used to always associate conflict with pain, so my goal was to avoid it. not that i was successful...no one is, i've come to learn. but i grew up thinking that if i was in pain, it was my fault...because i didn't keep the peace with the right people. or something like that, but ultimately, that it was due to something i did or didn't do.

so now i see conflict and pain as a natural part of life...albeit not parts i go searching for. they find me well enough. but i do work to, well, you know, accept them on a good day and embrace them on a great day. but i do still wonder if i'm a little hypersensitive to them both. i figure one step at a time, right? i mean, rome wasn't built in a day and neither will a state of balance be achieved in the same short time. and in the meantime, i probably still will focus (hyper focus?) a bit on conflict...within me, around me...because i am still learning. but i swear, i really am a fairly happy mama... :)

so here's an indigo girls song about the natural state of conflict in relationships and life and whatnot. i haven't heard it in so long...and since i can't find that cd today, i still haven't heard but the small snippet i put at the end of the lyrics today. it is funny how my understanding and feeling when i hear these songs has evolved over the twenty or so years i've been listening to the indigo girls...but whatever it is at a given moment, it always seems to shed a little light and it always seems so natural.

you and me of the 10,000 wars
dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores
a bed to be made and a bed to lie in
a hand in the darker side
and our sights set on zion

the heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child
put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
pour the cement for my feet
the heart and the mind on a parallel course
never the two shall meet

and oh the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie
still you held your arms open
for the prodigal daughter
i see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
still waters

try making one and one make one
twist the shapes until everything comes undone
watch the wizard behind the curtain
the larger than life and the power of seeming certain
the evil ego and the vice of pride
is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides
i wanted everything to feed me
about as full as i got was of myself
and the upper echelons of mediocrity

and oh the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie
still you held your arms open
for the prodigal daughter
i see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
still waters
still waters

after the battles and we're still around
everything once up in the air has settled down
sweep the ashes let the silence find us
a moment of peace is worth every war behind us
you and me of the 10,000 wars

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)


peace