comfort

tuesday, i was rocking my nephew to sleep, and the kids were watching cyber chase. now, i know sometimes it's strange to see a thirtysomething woman who can name the characters on children's programming better than adult programming, but i also know most of the mamas who read this blog can do that, too. so i am not going to get hung up on feeling strange here... but matt and inez were having a disagreement...matt had hurt inez's feelings by joking around about her vocabulary. and as i was drifting off, rocking baby s, and i heard some of the interchange between inez and matt, i was struck by this warm feeling as i listened to the comfort the actors were able to put in the voices of these characters...yes, they were arguing...but they were obviously very comfortable in their friendship and that was what i was struck by in my state of semi-consciousness. (award winning voice actors on pbs....it could happen...)

now, monday night i had met a mama from my cyber tribe. and it was so comfortable. we just launched into conversation and friendship and sharing...it was pretty seamless. i left just amazed by how comfortable we were...

this week, an old friend found me on facebook. and it was kind of weird, in the way that internet and two dimensional communication can make things so weird sometimes...but we kept at it, and there's a good level of comfort returning. there was a lot of comfort in our friendship when we were younger... i've been smiling all morning thinking about our emails going back and forth.

comfort is sometimes seen as kind of weak. the easy way. candy assed or soft. but in these relationships i'm talking about...ok, leave out the cyber chase thing since it's fictional...it's not always easy to do the things you need to be comfortable in a relationship. sometimes it is easier to put up defenses...and while it may be somewhat more comfortable to be defended or feel protected, it can also be lonely as hell. and saying the things you feel, being honest, offering yourself up and allowing someone else to accept you...this is not always easy shit. it can be really scary. and if you go at it with too much fear, it can really knock you down. so being comfortable in yourself, being comfortable in relationships...this is really hard, tough, courageous stuff. but it doesn't just take your own courage...it's a group effort. and i'm grateful for those...past and present...that i've been blessed to get to work with.

and that is what i've been wanting to write all week...
peace

ps--here's a song i heard on the way home from meeting my mama friend, carol. it just kind of captured what i felt was the ultimate spirit that we shared that night...yes, we're both morbidly intense and we covered a million different topics and again, it was such natural sharing...but this song made me see the two of us in a similar light...

peace out