a confession

so, i've been thinking a lot. i do that. almost nonstop. i really wish there was a button to turn it off. anyway, some thinking is frustrating, some thinking makes my head hurt, some makes my stomach hurt. but every once in awhile, i wander upon a line of thought that actually helps me relax....kind of washes all over me, makes breathing a little easier....just makes it easier to be me for awhile. and i had a moment like that last night. it was when i admitted to myself that i am pretty depressed. not just an adjective. more like a state of being. my state of being. for now.

see, there was a really hard time in my marriage about four, almost five years ago. which also happened to be right after e was born. well, i guess the difficult time started while i was pregnant with him and then really culminated when e was about two and a half months old. and that difficult time really rocked me. but N was in med school and we had just moved and i had a new baby and it was one of those sink or swim times, so i swam. and i just kept on swimming. i've been swimming since.

but for some reason, this last month has really gotten me down. not because my family is awful or because one person let me down or anything that specific. it's just been a hellacious month and while i'm glad it's over, i can't pretend i'm not different for it...having a harder time coping, and just generally less willing to give anything of myself. i'm also maybe a tad bit resentful, bitter, angry, tense... i've never seen myself so cynical, to be honest. it's weird. and i'm tired, especially, of pretending like things are hunky-dory around my spouse or other people who i don't feel like sharing the truth with. yes, i am fully aware it is me that doesn't want to share...not them who doesn't want to hear. that is progress for me. it is a great diversion to feel like it is someone else's fault that i feel this way. but i can't even blow smoke up my own ass right now. which i guess is good...i don't fucking know...

so anne lamott talked to me last night. (i did the finger-in-the-book-thing...) it was an essay called "ladders" and a lot of what it said felt good to hear. it talked a lot about grief and how avoiding grief may keep you from experiencing grief, but that it also robs us of experiencing life anymore. that only through experiencing grief do we retain our connection with life. or something like that... i really identified with it. and i can relate to grieving. i grieve my marriage not being what it was anymore. it's something different. and while i can go with the good times...we had those times before, so i'm familiar. the bad times are pretty rocky because i don't know how to trust my spouse now. (and i'm not throwing him under the bus...he didn't do terrible things...he just made bad choices and i'm not sure how to handle it, weirdo that i am)

so anyway...for this, i will find a counselor. dear god, help me, help me, help me find a good counselor. this scares me more than anything. but i did find a nice vet today for my dogs, so that is encouraging to me. i was quite relieved...

let's see...anything else? not really...

peace