wanting to be a yogi, but just being me

i am remembering the pictures of me in elementary school...after i knocked my front teeth out on the monkey bars. i was executing a rather daring flip, it was very fast, but the bar was too thick and i lost my grip. i plowed, face first into the gravel that, for some reason, my school had placed below the monkey bars. maybe to make our landings softer? i don't know, but if so, it didn't work. it was hard and it hurt. and it knocked out my two front teeth. which i never found and that's when i figured out the tooth fairy probably wasn't real, because while i knew she was magic, i just didn't think she would've left me money when there weren't any teeth under my pillow, just a note from my mom. that seemed like something my mom would do, not the tooth fairy, but i digress...

so...in my elementary school pictures i smile big and there are two huge knots in my gum line on the top. it looks kind of painful, to be honest. my front teeth are quite large, and they looked freaking abnormally huge trying to push through my gums. maybe it always looked that way, but once my teeth were no longer providing a little diversion, well...it just wasn't very pretty.

but the kind of remarkable thing is that i smiled hugely in all those pictures. no hiding my smile for this girlie. never even crossed my mind (well, THEN....it does NOW...i find myself wishing someone had told me to smile without opening lips sometimes...i know, i know, shame on me)

sigh, this one is taking a long time. anyway...i am proud of that person who smiled with those huge protruding teeth under my gums. (i know, i know, i ALSO need to scan a picture...we'll see...) i was clueless and it showed and i am so impressed it's ME....i like that about me. (even though i don't often show this side of me to myself...)

(all this to say....)

i've been doing yoga. i want to do yoga and be strong and healthy. i also want to do yoga and look like all those women in the yoga videos...graceful, pretty, peaceful... they NEVER stand up and grab their back because it hurts. they never sit on their legs and then jump up because they forgot how badly that hurts... they never just stare at the camera like they're about to die because their neck is throbbing from the stretches they just did. and why don't their necks ever crack when they stretch them? i try to go slowly...but it ALWAYS pops... i don't get it. there was one time i forgot to take my socks off and that was a very difficult half hour. (and it wasn't until i was getting in the shower that it occurred to me it was my socks that made all those modified downward dog positions so damned hard...hey, i have a lot on my mind, ok? even when i'm doing yoga, apparrently)

so i was a little disheartened today. because my back hurts and my neck hurts and it's because i'm doing YOGA and trying to be all peaceful and enlightened and really i just feel kind of stupid. because i have kids and things to do and a marathon to train for and do i really have time to be doing this thing that is causing me pain? even if i'm doing it because i think it will eventually be good for me?... but then i remember that i have to be patient, i'm just learning this. that i'm holding my body differently. becoming aware of things that i haven't thought about before...like my posture, how i'm breathing, where are my ribs at right now?...and while that may sound easy, like stuff a baby could do without thinking for instance, it's not. well, at least not for me. and i'm tired of being self conscious. and i'm tired of feeling stupid for being who i am.

i am clumsy. i am often uncoordinated...i was on dance team all through high school and had to run through routines twice as much as the other girls because my brain just needed the extra practice to control these limbs. i slouch. i complain a lot in my head and way too much of it comes out of my mouth. i think amazing thoughts about how wonderful people are and say way too little of it. my butt is big even though i wear big pants and everyone says i'm skinny...i'm really not. my belly could easily pass for four or five months pregnant. (remember, i've had four children...four or five months is SIGNIFICANT showage for me...) i forget things that are important to me. yeah, and i remember stuff i shouldn't...at least it sure is not helping me to remember it. i don't do the things i know i should do...often.

but this week...i'm doing yoga. and i'm smiling a big, goofy smile while i do it. (and i'm grabbing my back and popping a few motrin, too...because i just can't have it all my way...and that's ok. well...at least a little. for now...)
peace