contentment, i suppose

at least i think this is how it feels...

i don't know why my posts have relied so heavily on the words of others lately, except to say that sometimes what i'm thinking or processing is heavily supported by those who've gone before me and the words and ways they were able to express the same or similar. which i am grateful for because it allows me to just feel my way through without having to think too much about words or whatnot...

i saw my the-rapist today. it's a good feeling to know you've kind of made it through a difficult time. not that the difficult time is over, but that you've done your hurling, free falling, head over feet, eyes wide, heart racing, stomach sickening, where the fuck is the ground and is this ever going to end...and now you're back on your feet.

i don't know why today is different from yesterday. but it is. and i know things are going to be alright, even though they're not stagnant by any stretch of the imagination. i am glad i found this the-rapist...i really think she helped quite a bit. and of course, i am also grateful for the friends and family, authors and artists, and just life in general.

time to keep going...

i picked this song today because i went through a lot of my indigo girls cds yesterday looking for you and me of the 10,000 wars to listen to. i found it, btw...and i also found another cd i hadn't heard in awhile. this is the first song on that cd and was exactly how i felt after i got home from my appointment today which is when i put the cd on to listen to and then promptly came and sat down to blog. i put the lyrics at the end if you'd like to read while you listen. i love the way emily sings this song in this video, though...

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)

peace and have beautiful days...