hi

wow, long time no write, eh? i think it started with computer issues...viruses and stuff...and eventually, i just never got back into the habit of blogging. i still blog in my head often, but nothing i actually feel compelled to type out. well, there was one the other day, but i can't remember how i started it...and i'm kind of bummed about that. i'm sure it'll come back to me eventually.

i'll be 38 weeks pregnant friday. crazy, huh? i took some pics of my belly i'll upload soon...like hopefully before the baby gets here. i'm contracting lots...have been off and on since last friday or so. i had a very uncomfortable night last night, but a warm shower and reading til the cramp (that's what i'm calling it for now) worked itself out. i've taken it a lot easier today. and my spouse ends his month of nights on thursday night, so it'll be nice to have my partner here when shit like that happens...and not have to page him and wait for him to be finished helping pregnant women NOT carrying his baby...not that i'm bitter, hehe.

but what prompted me to blog was earlier tonight. my three younger sons are in cce (which no catholic i know can tell me what exactly that stands for...catholic catechism education is the most reasonable thing i've heard, but i'm not 100% on that) and cce is wednesday nights. my spouse leaves for work after i leave to take the kids, so it's just me and the teenager (his high school religious group thingie is on sunday night) for an hour or more. tonight i asked him to go with me to drop off, so he could walk the kids up and i could just sit in the car. watching my four sons walk up to the religious ed building, all grouped together, all so much taller than the last time i watched all four of them walk together, some so much more broad...it was wild...just wild. amazing. joyous and nostalgic and incredible and humbling.

and that's all i have time for because now i need to drive him to go pick up those same guys.

peace

and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

busy week

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

looking ahead

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

sick

just a quick update...i have been sick since saturday night. and it sucks. started in my throat, then took over my head and face and neck, then just kind of hung out all over there for a day, now my throat is all phlegmy and hurts and i sound like a boy going through puberty. i'm also pretty tired, but i am getting some energy back today, i think. spent all of sunday in bed, though. can't remember the last time i did that.

so life goes on and there's lots everyone's going through, but it's funny how being sick can just kind of push all of that to the proverbial backburner. i mean, you've still got to deal with it in the moment, but process it too? nah. save it for a rainy day, right?

peace

so whaddya think it means...

when the kids keep coming up and hugging you, saying "i love you, mom"? do i look that crappy these days? probably. the guy who sold me educational cd-rom's two weeks ago kept looking at me this morning, when he dropped them off, like he was really worried about me....like, "what happened to you?" normally i would want to put their minds at ease, but now i just roll my eyes and feel like, "what? so now i have to help you feel better, too?" i'm thinking this may be a sign of being "spread too thin" as my father puts it. or maybe that's my stepmom who puts it that way.

today is my youngest child's (well, youngest in those that have already been born) birthday. he has been counting this down since it was 321 days away or so. seriously. i'm the one who counts the days in my head when he asks. and he is so, so excited. when i woke up this morning, he shouted "morning mom! i'm six today!!" in case i'd forgotten. (see, i told you i look like shit...i mean really, he just told me yesterday.) so today i will finish cleaning up the house some (it is so good to have a deadline for some of this stuff) and make a fruit salad and that's about it. oh, i will wrap his presents, too. he got a soccer ball, some croc knock-offs, bubble bath, and pool toys. i hope he likes that stuff. i should go get him some candy just to be sure he really likes everything...nah. have faith. and if he doesn't like it...well, don't care too much about it. (ah, cracking my cynical self up here...see? this is a danger of having a cynical, depressed priest every sunday...you begin to feel cynically justified in these cynical thoughts...ah...worse than any drug...doh, i digress...)

i had an awful morning's sleep. maybe my body's just getting a jump on this whole waking up at crazy, odd hours, but i woke up at five this morning, and due to circumstances beyond my control (having to pee, the mister snoring so.freaking.loud., the dog chasing squirrels in her sleep and scratching her nails that DESPERATELY need to be trimmed on her kennel floor, dreams, anxieties, etc) i did not fall back to sleep until eight. and then overslept the alarm i'd set for nine and got up at nine thirty. i feel so completely discombobulated...(is that a word? it is in my head, but my eyes say "i'm thinking no") disoriented. that's better. my teen mowed the backyard because i was just too tired to do it. so my front won't get mowed. but i should go put away laundry (especially all the kids underwear drying on the drying rack in my front living room...bet they'd appreciate that, eh?) and vacuum. oh, and wrap those presents!! (slapping forehead...) let me finish this coffee before i hurt myself...

peace

life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace