sigh...

so i'm just getting this out here because i've got to put it somewhere...

my dh is an ob/gyn. he just finished four years of medical school and is now in his intern year of a residency.

for the past at least six months, probably a little longer, i've been really tired lately. like when it first started changing, i thought i was just a little depressed, so i welcomed a little extra sleep. but even now, i can go to bed at 11pm and still need the alarm to wake me up at 8:30am...

i noticed a few times before we moved how much of my hair i vacuum up off of carpets. since we've moved, i've been vacuuming more regularly and am really bothered by how much of my hair i vacuum up...how it's all over the place, and still manages to fall out when i brush it, etc...

last summer, i started getting eczema. in two, uhm, very uncomfortable places. it progressed until i had to go to a doctor last december/january for a strong steroid cream that finally took care of it. my nipples still peel and flake regularly.

i also started having palpitations--what dh called pvc's--about march of this year. i had them for about three or four weeks; they were worse when i'd had caffeine or alcohol, but i did not have to consume caffeine or alcohol to have them. after about three or four weeks, they just went away. then i'd have them every once in awhile, never for as long as the first time. but i did have them for about a week after i moved out here.

i started working out when i moved here, hoping it would help this stuff sort of just even out. it hasn't.

about three or four months ago, i started spotting before my period. first off, it was just for a day or two, but lately it's been for more like three or four days before my period actually starts.

so i've been talking to my dh about this stuff. all along, which i realize means it's been pretty spread out, not all concentrated like what i just typed out. but never once has he suggested a thyroid problem. i've asked him if he thought it was thyroid, but he rarely seemed to really think it was a problem. after this last issue, the spotting, i was reading a book of mine, and i really think i need to go get tested. not because it will save my life--although i do think having an uncorrected thyroid problem is setting myself up for trouble i just don't need to go asking for--but because if it is my thyroid, that can be addressed and fixed. if it's not, fine...i've been living like this and i'll just keep working on it. it's not intolerable. but to not fix something that could very well be fixable...that is intolerable to me. i have enough going on in my life that if there is something i can address, why the hell wouldn't i?

so i was pretty disappointed that i had to do my own research on something in a field that he sees women in daily. really disappointed. but it wasn't the end of the world...i just felt like it was kind of bitterly ironic. but i felt like it was time to figure out what to do about this...translation: go get my thyroid checked. i was kind of waiting to see what he'd say about this test vs. that one. (if there's even a choice) or this treatment vs. that one...whatever.

he was pretty pissed at me yesterday. he feels like i expected something of his without ever really asking for it. and then i guess he feels like i want him to do something that it's not inherently his place to do. he's actually said things like that i wanted him to draw my blood or figure out how to navigate our health plan. and that really wasn't what i was looking for. but one of the things that he said yesterday was that i should pretend he's dead and figure out what i'd do then. and then see if that's so different from what i should do given that he's not dead. maybe i'm wrong, but that just knocked the wind out of me. it really hurt me. because i want to know how he'd possibly navigate a day if i were dead...but whatever. he doesn't think that's relevant.

and here i am, miss stubborn "you don't have to do a fucking thing for me, asshole"... so i'll make my own appt. and take the kids with me. i don't have to talk to him about this. i don't want to, frankly. i am just so hurt by him. i kind of feel stupid, you know... like i spent the last four years following some one's dream who wants me to live as though they're dead...except for when they're in the mood to have a partner, i guess.

anyway, i'm sure this sounds completely self-pitying and shallowly self-centered. but that's just where i am right now, i guess. i don't WANT to hate him right now. i really WANT to just get past this to a better place. but i'm tired of pretending like every time i get upset, it's really some character flaw of my own. i've sat quiet for awhile with this, waiting for some of the intensity to die down, so i don't say something i'll end up regretting or that we'll have to spend all this time getting past. and then he told me yesterday that he just doesn't think i THINK about what i'm saying...whatever. i really hate that we're so dysfunctional sometimes. it is so discouraging...

peace