love's recovery

as i was running today, i was listening to indigo girls (i know, go die of surprise already...) and i heard a song i hadn't heard in a long time and one i never really paid attention to. it was on the first indigo girls cassette (yikes!) i ever got and at fourteen years old, it just wasn't something i related to. today was a little different and i thought i'd come post a video here...


and here are the lyrics...

during the time of which i speak
it was hard to turn the other cheek
to the blows of insecurity
feeding the cancer of my intellect
the blood of love soon neglected
lay dying in the strength of its impurity
meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
they've all gone and left each other
in search of fairer weather
and we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
to the slim chance of love's recovery

there i am in younger days, star gazing
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be
not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
my compass, faith in love's perfection
i missed ten million miles of road i should have seen
meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
left each other one by one on the road to fairer weather
and we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
to the slim chance of love's recovery

rain soaked and voice choked
like silent screaming in a dream
i search for our absolute distinction
not content to bow and bend
to the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
eating us away, eating us away
eating us away to our extinction

oh how i wish i were a trinity
so if i lost a part of me
i'd still have two of the same to live
but nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal
as specks of dust we're universal
to let this love survive
would be the greatest gift that we could give
tell all the friends who think they're so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather
though it's storming out i feel safe within the arms
of love's discovery

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1988 by godhap music (bmi)

i've got something to say on this, but i'm going to sit with it and come back to it later...
peace

halloween

i used to sew my kids halloween costumes. one year, when i only had three of them (kids, that is), i sewed them all tunics and stuff so they could be jedis. i've made batman costumes, woody (from toy story) costumes, and other stuff i can't remember today. at this point, i'm lucky if i remember it's halloween...i guess my priorities have shifted.

not that i don't want my kids to be able to enjoy the holiday and beg a bunch of sugar off of our neighbors. i want that for them...right along with an active sense of spirituality and college and a well balanced life and health and all that jazz. i just don't care who makes the costumes anymore. and at the same time, i refuse to spend money on this stuff, beyond a few face paints. luckily, i am quite the supporter of imaginary play, so they do have a few resources to pull from in the house. and i think things will be good. i'll be hanging with a knight, darth maul, a ghost (ala charlie brown...i love my second born!), and a rock-n-roller of some sort (this one is fourteen...and while i realize i may feel kind of weirded out by his display of his vision, i'm determined to let this be HIS and keep my paranoia of others' judgment and my possible embarrassment to myself).

we were also invited to a party...which i realize people have, but i honestly think this is our first invitation to a party at some one's house. so i'm kind of excited about that. the mother of this house has invited me out to dinner during the party, but i think that's kind of uncool of me, so i'll probably stay. and since my third born has a soccer game at eight thirty in the freaking morning tomorrow (we have to be there at eight) AND since we're heading out of town for the day (after the soccer game, you realize) to attend my grand niece's red egg party, it's not like we'll be out incredibly late today.

ok, i have offered my home as a haven for a local fifteen year old hsed young man who does not want to attend park day with the family he's hanging with today. we're not going to park day because the mother of this house is tired and has too much to do and the kids of this house, in their eternal gratitude for the mother's enthusiasm for this evening (which she DID remember was halloween), are cool with that. so i must go get out of my pajamas before this young man shows up...

have a lovely, safe, halloween... maybe i'll remember to take a picture and i can post it later...like next week later.
peace

letting go

it has been interesting to go through the last few days trying to be aware of the things i'm holding onto as permanent that aren't...and trying to let go of that. it almost forces you to stay more flexible, more loose, more open. it makes me hesitant to define things because i'll probably just have to go back and let go of that, too. maybe i'll get better at truer or more flexible definitions, but i really don't know. i do know that i'm not ready for that step yet because i am still barely learning to walk in this first step.

so in the midst of all of this...i mean, i'm still hsing, and mom-ing, and sistering, and wife-ing, and friending, and daughtering...we had a rough night last night. it was over money. which has been an issue for my family since my spouse left pharmacy and started med school. but even the first couple of years, he worked as a pharmacist when he wasn't in class and it worked. the last two years were a little slimmer, but alright. but now? sigh... with the economy getting tougher, our children getting older, and our savings dwindling...it's kind of...well, i won't define it...but it brought me to my knees for awhile last night. and there's not even that much to say about it. i know things will change. i will try to stay open to answers as they come to me and flexible when i realize something hasn't been working. and i will work to be accepting of it. to work together with my spouse...not let some judgment of good or bad lead to exaggerated emotions...it's all you can really do, right? i mean, there are certainly things that can change. but there are things we don't want to change as a family. and we just have to figure out what is what and how hard to work to maintain what we value. well, that sounds easy enough...

i don't mean to be a buzzkill talking about my money woes. i just had to let a little of this out. sometimes fears are so big, but then when you define them, see a way through them, they're not so much anymore.

now to pay bills...
peace

my sister is hilarious

(even if she won't stop squishing herself...)

thanks for sending this to me and srry for squishing u...

peace

ps--and prayers for mama jess from my cyber tribe, please...it's funny how much you can love people you've never met. but she's an amazing mama with beautiful kids and she's in the hospital right now, so let's raise her up as best we can...

buddhism lite

ok, so i'm reading a new book. it's called how to see yourself as you really are and it's written by his holiness the dalai lama. i think that's pretty self explanatory...

i've underlined most of the beginning, where he's talking about four personal beliefs. the second one got me, so i'm going to quote the first two parts i underlined in there...

"According to Buddhist psychology, most of our troubles stem from attachment to things that we mistakenly see as permanent. Operating from that misconception, we see aggression and competitiveness as helpful in the pursuit of what we imagine and desire."

"When you have love and compassion for a very poor person, your feelings are based on altruism. By contrast, love toward your husband, wife, children, or a close friend is often mixed with attachment, and when your attachment changes, your kindness may disappear. Complete love is based not on attachment but on altruism, which is the most effective response to suffering."

okay...that's a mouthful...or more accurately, a heart-full. it did catch me by surprise, though, that i agreed with this so much inside...that it sounded so very right to me, yet i've come to learn that much of the parenting practices i've adopted over the years fall under the general heading of attachment parenting. which i've always thought of as a philosophy of parenting based on answering the needs of my children as they express them, as i realize them, and as i am able. and encouraging them to meet their own needs and, hopefully, in the process they'll learn to respond to the needs of those around them as well, as they are able.

it's funny that i used the word respond because tomorrow, in my middles philosophy class, we're beginning a discussion on responsibility and after we've talked about what it means and tried to define it in three words or less, we'll talk about how the root of responsibility is response.

anyway...the part that really caught me in those quotes was the concept that once we change our attachment in a relationship, we can drain some of the kindness from it and act on that attachment instead of out of a true, loving response. that, uhm, kind of hit home in some ways. because i know i struggle with a sense of almost ownership over my kids and the sense that they owe me something in return. the same with my spouse. and while these words aren't pretty, they are true, and as i've thought about the dalai lama's words this week, it hasn't been that hard to let go of some of my misperceived attachment. it's a shift i can almost feel physically when i am mindful of what i am doing, what i am thinking, and how i am putting those two things together. it's not something that seems to magically change once you figure it out. but it is somewhat of a habit, or so it seems. like the more you practice it, the (a least a tiny bit) more natural it becomes.

and i haven't even started chapter one, yet. i think i'll probably be quoting this book quite a bit.
peace out

i finished it

here are the last three quotes i collected from snow falling on cedars...

"And here he sits awaiting your verdict, in the hope that although fate has acted against him, human beings will be reasonable. There are things in this universe that we cannot control, and then there are the things we can. Your task as you deliberate together on these proceedings is to ensure that you do nothing to yield to a universe in which things to awry by happenstance. Let fact, coincidence, and accident conspire; human beings must act on reason."

"I say this because as an older man I am prone to ponder matters in the light of death in a way that you are not. I am like a traveler descended from Mars who looks down in astonishment at what passes here. And what I see is the same human frailty passed from generation to generation. What I see is again and again the same sad human frailty. We hate one another; we are the victims of irrational fears. And there is nothing in the stream of human history to suggest we are going to change this. But--I digress, I confess that. I merely wish to point out that in the face of such a world you have only yourselves to rely on."

"No one trod easily upon the emotions of another where the sea licked everywhere against an endless shoreline. And this was excellent and poor at the same time--excellent because it meant most people took care, poor because it meant an inbreeding of the spirit, too much held in, regret and silent brooding, a world whose inhabitants walked in trepidation, in fear of opening up. Considered and considerate, formal at every turn, they were shut out and shut off from the deep interplay of their minds. They could not speak freely because they were cornered; Everywhere they turned there was water and more water, a limitless expanse of it in which to drown. They held their breath and walked with care, and this made them who they were inside, constricted and small, good neighbors.

Arthur confessed to not liking them and at the same time loving them deeply. Was such a thing even possible?"

some of these remind me of the book i started reading last night written by the dalai lama. this last quote, with its reference to good neighbors, reminds me of the frost poem i posted awhile back about good fences making good neighbors. and i really like the reference to an inbreeding of spirit...that just caught me immediately.

hopefully i didn't give too much of it away....
peace

snow falling on cedars

this was the last book we read for book club. i still haven't finished it. parts of it were very compelling to me and other parts notsomuch. i have about fifty pages left to read, but i don't think i'll finish it anytime soon, if at all. i will admit that this is the first book i've ever skipped to the back to read the ending before arriving there chronologically. and i don't really know why i did that.

the book is somewhat of a mystery. it covers the time in history when japanese americans were forced into camps after pearl harbor was bombed. but it also deals a lot with the history and relationships of the characters, and the attitude of the townspeople where the story takes place, and just human nature in general...differences in paradigms and how those differences affect our perception of each other and ourselves. i did like the book...but it just doesn't feel like i need to know how it ends.

i didn't set out to collect quotes in this book, but a hundred pages or so into it, i just came across some that struck me...

"There was a place in him she could not reach where he made his choices in solitude, and this made her not only uneasy about him but afraid for their future, too. Her life was joined to his now, and it seemed to her that every corner of his soul should be opened to hers because of this."

"The trick was to live here without hating yourself because all around you was hatred. The trick was to refuse to allow your pain to prevent you from living honorably. In Japan, she said, a person learned not to complain or be distracted by suffering. To persevere was always a reflection of the state of one's inner life, one's philosophy, and one's perspective."

"He was not Japanese, and they had met as such a young age, their love had come out of thoughtlessness and impulse, she had fallen into loving him long before she knew herself, though it occurred to her now that she might never know herself, that perhaps no one ever does, that such a thing might not be possible."

"If identity was geography instead of blood--if living in a place was what really mattered--then Ishmael was part of her, inside of her, as much as anything Japanese. It was, she knew, the simplest kind of love, the purest form, untainted by Mind, which twisted everything, as Mrs. Shigemura, ironically, had preached."

after rereading these quotes, maybe i will try to finish it. i've already picked up another book and i just ordered three more. hello, my name is marci and i'm a book whore. but i am also okay with that.
peace

busy-ness

often in my head, as i'm trying to organize myself to get the next task accomplished, there's a busy signal going...as i'm already working on something. or maybe when i get ready to start a task, my head makes the same sound as a car that's being started that's already ON...you know, since i'm usually already doing something.

and i'm not sure what it is that allows my mind to wander for just a minute and then when it comes back decides we're going to get started on something NEW when we haven't finished the thing we were working before we wandered...you know?

it feels good to be busy. we've gotten a lot done this semester. i wonder sometimes how well we've gotten all that stuff done, but then i try to remember to just focus on the progress and lessons that i may not be able to measure...

it also feels good to not be busy...especially after months of being really busy. we went to our local hs park day yesterday and just hung out. i decided shortly after arriving that we'd leave when the kids asked to leave. so we were there for almost five hours. the weather was gorgeous. and these are kids my guys see weekly at co-op, chess club, robotics, rock climbing...but all these activities are focused and at least semi-structured, if not full blown structured. none of them are full out socializing activities. and let me tell you...watching the kids at park day yesterday was like watching adults at happy hour after a week at work. you could just see how gratifying it was to the kids...how relaxing and fun. it was a sharp contrast to their interactions during the week. not to say that they don't enjoy their more focused times together...i believe they do immensely. but we'd missed park days for a few weeks now and i think yesterday was just really something they needed. and it was awesome to be able to drive them there and watch it. and honestly, it was a happy hour for the mamas, too...

balance.... i think if i don't try too hard to find it, it just pops up at the right time. but then i worry if i think too much about it, it'll just get all out of whack again. but then luckily, my mind's already on the next issue--a grocery list--so i guess i won't chase it away...
peace

observing

i've noticed something about myself...i'm getting better at observing my emotions without putting myself in the middle of them, rubbing them into my hair, and wearing them as though they identify me.

i don't know when i noticed this, so i definitely don't know when i actually started stepping back from my feelings a bit and learning to observe them without identifying myself by them. it was interesting last night because i felt kind of crappy. some moments i sort of felt like crying, others i felt like no one really understands me ever, and then every now and then i just felt like my family sucked. i never really jumped into any of those or felt them very deeply. i was aware of them, but figured i was probably just tired and irritable and so i mostly ignored them.

well, later i was talking to my spouse...kind of relating what i've written here. i was telling him that i was having a sinus headache and had just started my period and that my emotions were probably somewhat related to those events. but then i told him that really, as i'd been starting my period (because now that i'm over 30, it takes a few days to actually get the process started for me), what i'd truly noticed, outside of emotions or feelings or whatever...in the way of things that were not emotional or behavioral...was that my back was sore, i felt tired, my head hurt a little, and i tend to ache in my left ovary, which i do get tired of and irritable about. the rest of my pms, i venture, is learned and habitual. this is what i'm thinking anyway...

there's a lot of potential in that thought, but frankly, i'm too tired to develop it right now. i'm content to know that my family in fact does not suck, some people do indeed understand at least a little of me, and the crying? well, i suspect it would've helped if i would've just let myself do it without a particular problem in mind, but either way it's alright...

and he didn't mind as we listened to brandi carlile as we fell asleep last night... <3
peace

musical day

i've been listening to brandi carlile all day today. my eldest is a little sick of it. but i've listened to him play red hot chili peppers over and over and not even complained, so i'm not caving on this....

there's this song she sings that reminds me of my friend, ken. i think i posted once about how ken says when one person sees a sunset, the best way to convey it to another is to point and say, "ugh"...or something to that effect. and this song makes me think of that, sort of...


and there's this other song i really like. it's called my song. and i'm not exactly sure who she's singing it to, but i sure like what she's saying and feel like i can relate her words to parts of my life. ironically, it's called my song.


there are many other songs on her cd that i love. but it would probably be kind of boring if i posted them all here...oh hell...here's one more...it's called wasted.

here are the lyrics

If you had eyes like golden crowns and diamonds in your fingertips you'd waste it
If shining wisdom passed your lips and traveled to the ears of god you'd waste it
And so I hate that your overrated most revered and celebrated cause you're wasted

Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go

Every time you close a door and nothing opens in its place you've wasted
And when you speak the words you know to those who know the words themselves you're wasted,
You're such a classic waste of cool, so afraid to break the rules in all the wrong places

Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go

yeah, i'm done...
peace

rolling along

went to see the-rapist yesterday. (was it yesterday? yeah...yesterday was monday, right?) and that was good. nothing major that i needed help working on...just went through a bunch of stuff. she listened. commented when she felt like it. i listened. it was good stuff...

spent yesterday cleaning my house up. well, first i ran errands with my eldest. (who my youngest calls the teenager) bought plants for his experiment for biology, dog food and rabbit food, and then ice cream. just the essentials, you know? THEN i cleaned house. and bathed my dogs. just the little one, really. the big one is, well, too big and i don't like to bathe her a lot. so eldest brushed her while i bathed the little dog, miss kitty. now they're inside, which is where they belong, but since moving a year and a half ago, it has not been a smooth transition for the dogs. we have carpet and it's just generally sucked trying to bring them in. and then i get tired or overwhelmed and the dogs keep living outside, only coming in at night, which is not the way we roll. but it has been the way we've been rolling...so we've not been rolling very well, very true. and bringing the dogs in helped that. (why does it seem i was spiraling around this concept? spreading it out further and further, making it longer and longer, getting near the point, but then making another loop?...i dont' know...maybe it's just me.)

i sort of prepared for co-op last night. and i helped my children get all of their homework done. mostly it was eldest who had homework. it has just been so busy. and there's my spouse, all

"so why are we doing this so late on monday night?"
and i'm like, "don't be an ass."
and he says, "well, i don't mean to be an ass and i realize it's not really inspirational, but it needs to be said so that he'll think about this next time."
and so i say, "yeah? when do you think you'll get to your research project due this year, dear? last minute like your whole life? maybe some people will think about it but others are just looking for their chance to be the ass, ok?"
and we laugh. (thank god we laughed...hehe)

today was co-op. and rock climbing. the rock climbing teacher is trying to find a way to get eldest on their climbing team. it is entirely too expensive for us to finance this. we are stretching ourselves to remain members of the gym and let the kids take the class. but he was commenting on what a graceful climber eldest is. graceful. he's been my kid his whole life and i don't think he's ever done a thing that someone would call graceful. he has always been so challenged in balance and gross motor stuff. but he does climb gracefully. with this big old body he's growing...i mean big young body he's growing, it's like his wings are finally in.

and that is the best part about rolling along right now. when they were babies, i remember not wanting to look away from them for a minute...fearful i'd miss something. i wanted to absorb it all, remember it all, be there to see and feel it all...mostly because i had a sense of how fleeting it was. and when i'd see other babies, i'd remember mine being babies, too..and that sense. but now i look at them, and i feel remarkably the same way. like i need to memorize every aspect of them because they are growing and they are changing...they are becoming their own people...in ways so different from when they were babies...deeper...more complex. listening to their words, hearing their humor, watching their eyes. this is all so fleeting, too. i enjoy my children in ways i never anticipated. they are amazing people. i am so proud of them and happy for them. they are not perfect...and indeed, their imperfections and how they handle that are some of the things i'm most amazed by. i guess we hold on to these times because we don't know what the future holds. but so far, the future's been a good place. and we just keep rolling along...

peace

shit

it just has to be the title because it's the word that's gone through my head so many times lately and in so many different contexts that i'm going to WRITE about it...

so, first off, like with all this anger and stuff with my mom, i've been thinking a lot about my shit, her shit...whose shit? and how do we get this shit worked out?

and then last night, i was watching this documentary with a friend called young at heart. now, this is about a senior choir singing modern music. it is make you laugh, makes you cry, feel it down to your toes and maybe even pee your pants kind of wonderful. but that's just my opinion. (although i'm pretty sure jen would agree.) and, since it's about seniors, i don't think i'll blow it if i tell you someone dies. or maybe more than one...you'll have to see the movie for that. but here i am all choked up because someone died, and the people on the screen are saying things like, "he was a nice guy. there will forever be a hole in our group. now let's go sing." i mean, not in so many words. but it was the attitude. one woman said she knew, without a doubt, that the guy who died would want them to go on. that she'd want the show to go on if it was her. another woman said she'd already told the choir that if she collapsed on stage, just push her out of the way and keep singing. it was....what's the word? humbling? sort of. the kind of thing that puts your life in perspective...that helps you see what's important AS WELL AS how much shit you're putting energy into that just doesn't matter. (yes, remember, this is about shit) but the odd thing was when i thought about letting go and embracing what was important, i felt some mental hold tighten on my shit...i mean, no lie. i felt it. i don't know what that's about...it's definitely shit i need to work on...this over attachment to my shit....but it was a strange glimpse into the troll thing that resides in my brain...along with the beautiful spirit part, of course. (oh, but i guess she doesn't reside in my brain...oh well)

so i went to the maker faire with my son's robotics team today. it was a blast. amazing. we're doing a research product on biosolids. what are biosolids? well, go google them. but just know that i am constantly amazed at the shit i learn about with my kids. i mean, you just never know the shit you could become an expert on... (yes, pun intended...)

and while at the maker faire, i met my friend jeanni and her son...and upon seeing them i realized how very deeply i had missed these two particular people. i mean, they are always here with me, a part of me...always will be, i imagine. but it was a deep pulling feeling when i saw them. we laughed a lot today and saw some pretty amazing and nerdy and awesome things...that strangely, we were all able to appreciate together...or not so strangely...but seeing jeanni was, yes, the shit.

and so concludes today's discourse on shit. it's just a part of life, right? it happens...it smells awful, but it can also grow some pretty amazing things.
peace

sunscreen

the first time i heard this song, i loved it. it made me think of who i hoped to be when i got older... now when i hear it, i see a lot of the people i love in these words, and i think i see a little of me in there, too.



and, just in case your computer is moving as slowly as mine is, and, to be honest, since i don't really know the quality of the video i embedded (woo allison! how did your embedding experiment go? i'll have to check in a bit...), here's the text...

Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


peace

a few more laps

with this whole wanting to be loved, but not feeling worthy thing... i guess i mean that i've always waited for my mom to like me for who i am. and that it never occurred to me, as a child, that her inability to do that was because of her...not me. which doesn't make her a bad person. i don't know why i'm wired to desire love the way i am. i don't think she had anything to do with that...at least not that i can figure. just the cycle of how her reactions sparked an inner dialogue in me. to be specific, she never said, "you are not worthy" or anything remotely resembling. it was all just a random-ish row of dominoes falling, i think.

anyway...i came back to this because i was thinking about this last night...how in constructing this fabricated "i don't need love because i'm not really worthy of it" outward appearance, inside that, what i was growing was like the big, blood sucking, human eating plant on little shop of horrors...FEED ME SEYMORE!!! this kind of crazy, out of control, bottomless pit of need... like the stay puff marshmallow man on ghostbusters, only make that me as a two year old...

anyway...my husband, in many ways, has taken it in the teeth on this. not that he hasn't been able to give some in return ala his own over-inflated inner two year old...but he has certainly been a sport through the doubting, suspicions, and flat.out.raging.fucking.pissed.off.anger that he's been the target of a time or two over the last fifteen or so years... because i need, and i mean n.e.e.d. but i refuse to accept so often. and it wasn't because he wasn't sincere. at least not always. it was often because i did not feel worthy and couldn't trust him even when he meant it.

this is true in almost all of my relationships. and i'm almost giddy over becoming aware of this...i mean, i am also profoundly sad to realize that it was, in fact, me who was too tied up in my own shit to realize what i've been receiving most of my life. even from my mom, i suppose, in a lot of ways. but i do think some relationships run much more healthily with some boundaries in place...and i think ours will, too. and while it's easier to blame others and be angry at others, it is so much more empowering to realize the potential in my own behavior.

anyway...so...i thought i'd end this with posting the very first video i ever saw of indigo girls...the one chance exposure that gave me this twenty year obsession. and this song has been playing through my head quite a bit lately...
peace

ps--yeah, i just posted a link. my computer is running so freaking, fracking slowly these days, it makes me want to smash my head through the monitor. and i'm not a road rage kind of gal...but apparently i AM a computer rage kind of gal. anyway...it was safer to just post a link to the video. this was also the first time i was pretty sure i'd have a tattoo someday...when i watched this video. just thought i'd share.

puppy dog tails?

i have known that much of my life, my motivating emotions are often fear or guilt. and while i knew those weren't the emotions i wanted to be ruled by, it is often difficult to stop a habit that is almost as involuntary as breathing. i had made small changes in this area...but nothing i appreciated or even felt encouraged by.

i often wouldn't be aware of how fear and guilt had influenced me until after i had acted. so then i started to wonder if fear and guilt were truly a part of why i acted, or just a part of how i view my own behavior. kind of a like a dog chasing its tail...

but a lot of the realizations about my relationship with my mother growing up...or the awareness of the reality...looking at it through an adult's eyes instead of still looking at it through the eyes of the child who was there...has helped me to see ways i can truly change this habit of being ruled and weighed down by fear and guilt.

i am not angry at my mother. although i will speak up the next time she tells me how fluffy i am...but that won't be in anger...it will be in confidence in myself and an unwillingness to remain the two year old who still wants her approval, but doesn't think she deserves it. those words sound so silly in an adult's mouth...but they are so absolute in a child's heart and mind. my mother always took such responsibility for who i was...was always so proud of herself when i succeeded or so disgusted when i misbehaved and made her look stupid. it's been an uphill journey learning to feel for myself who i am. especially when people pleasing tends to benefit those around you...who often don't realize how toxic you are.

anyway...so i am coming out of that darkness a bit...some rays are coming in...maybe even a breeze sometimes. i was telling my spouse the other day how self-indulgent some of these thoughts feel. why do i have to think about something so much or so long before i see it more clearly or it settles into a pattern that makes life a little easier? but it's just the way i am. and while i've spent so much of my life trying to be someone different...whoever those i love wanted me to be...i'm finally learning to be me...which is who they wanted me to be all along. dog...tail...again... i knew life was all about circles...

peace

running

the half marathon is next month. and i went two weeks without getting on the treadmill. i don't know why i do that...but i'm pretty consistent about it, i'll give myself that. i think i took a whole month off before the last half. but the last one was in february and there was december and, well, whatever...

today i was geared up to do a big run. a long one. at least half the distance i'll be running next month...probably more. my treadmill stops at 99:99 minutes, so i figure that's a good time, a good distance. but forty minutes into the run, i could tell it probably wasn't the best idea to go the full 100. so i ran for an hour. this was my second time on the treadmill after my two weeks off. felt kind of silly trying to push myself so quickly and having to back down...what am i? a newbie? i will admit, thought, that i often back off to prevent myself from getting hurt. and while i don't know that i would've hurt myself, i felt really good about the decision to just go the hour.

while i run, i try to let my mind go...just let it be free and not really allow myself to focus on anything that might be rolling around in there. but i had to laugh when i caught myself going through all the different ways i could train for the next race. uhm, hello? i am training...why do i always imagine these perfect, cool, great training sessions i'll have and ignore the way i train?...it makes me laugh. this disconnect between my ideals and, well, my reality. i mean, i think it's alright to have ideals. and i think it's okay for my reality to be different from that. but i guess what made me laugh is that i often have this skewed way of seeing myself...or of not seeing myself at all. i run. not amazingly well. but i run. a lot. often. for me, anyway. and i'm pleased with it. i enjoy it immensely. it mellows me out better than any bottle of wine...(although the wine is a close, close second). and it leaves me feeling pretty strong when i'm out with my kids or even on my own. and you know what else it's done? i think it's improving my posture. because in order to not goof up my lower back or my shoulders, i focus on using my core muscles to keep me up, my chest open, breathing well...and even my sister in law, the other day, told me i looked taller. which i thought was really odd until she said what she really meant was that i was standing up straighter. go figure...

now i just need to get out and buy myself a new pair of shoes. it is so hard to find running shoes that offer enough arch support, but not too much. this is my least favorite part of running. but i do like the cushy socks...
peace

some fragments of a tuesday

tuesdays are really busy days. co-op til noon and then rock climbing til 3pm. drop off an extra kiddo we have afterward and we're usually home around four. so although i rarely blog on tuesdays (i think), there were just some things i needed to put on here to remember...

--conversation in my car...we were listening to iron man by black sabbath.

extra child says, "i think ozzy osbourne is blind."
my teenager says, "no, he just wears those glasses that make him look like john lennon."
extra child says, "oh, like the beetle your brother found today."
teenager says, "well, i named him john lennon because he was a beatle and it was a beetle, you know?"
then teenager and extra child look at each other, and both say, at the same time, "scarab rock!"

it cracked me up to hear the conversation go from ozzy and black sabbath to john lennon and the beatles and then jump, suddenly, to smashing pumpkins...and that all of those things are things they share a common knowledge of and interest in...

--earlier today, during the biology class at the co-op, the biology kids were doing a lab on bacteria. they were using petri dishes to grow out bacteria, but also testing different antiseptic or antibacterial solutions to see which were more effective against which bacteria. teacher asked them to take their swabs and swab "germy places." three kids swabbed the light switches or door knobs or whatever...one kid swabbed his butt. telling you, you gotta watch out for those hsers...they know no boundaries... (i LOVE this story...the kid's dad is a doc, i'll mention in case any one's grossed out by the idea...)

--my kids were rocking the whole rock climbing thing today. they really have gotten so good at it...and they still seem to love it so much. i hope their love lasts...until about next august...then i think it'd be fine for them to find something else to love and be good at...preferably something a little cheaper...

--i got to meet my friend's mom today. she brought the monkeys to co-op while my friend is out of town. what a nice, nice woman. i really love the community we have going at co-op. it feels tenuous at times, and that's probably more my shit than anything else, but i still really appreciate the community.

--and i had this weird break through in my head about my mom today. i was thinking about the wedding i'd been to...all the lesbian couples there. and, for some reason, my brain started playing with the idea of how she'd handle it if i were in a lesbian relationship, while i was doing stuff like brushing my teeth, and my hair, whatnot... anyway, i could hear my mom getting all sanctimonious about what is right and wrong and moral or immoral...yes, i realize i'm making this up...i've learned to just give my subconscious a little free reign in getting me to understand some of the stuff she knows...so anyway, my mom's getting all sanctimonious, and i'm telling her it's fine, that i didn't expect her to understand or be okay with this. BUT, i tell her, BUT i want you to know that i'm pissed off and disappointed with you, too. yes, this is pretty different for me to say to her. so i proceed to tell her that my whole childhood was about her dating, about her marriages, about her divorces...that comparatively, little of my childhood was about my life. and that she can tell me all she wants about how she judges my choices, or the choices of the world, and that i would never, EVER tell her how i judge hers, but that she's kidding herself if she thinks all of that was just water under the bridge, and that it in no way affected the child she brought along for the ride in those years. and since she's always bringing the bible into stuff, isn't there something about people in glass houses and throwing stones?...

like i said, it was all in my head. but i'd been thinking a lot about my anger toward my mom. and how to get to the bottom of it...you know, in order to start really letting it go instead of just avoiding it. and i don't know if this is the bottom of it...but it felt like a start to getting there. and yeah, after i finished that line of thought, i just finished getting dressed and went to co-op. weird, isn't it?

--i was consumed by and eventually gave into a need for fried okra. no, i don't always understand these things...

--my sister had an ultrasound on her breast today. they skipped the mammogram. i don't know what it is about our funky genes, but i had my first breast ultrasound at 22 and she's 30... so that was part of my day, too.

there was other stuff. the kid in my art class who complained when, after laying out his collage, i asked him to glue it to the page. he said, "can't we just watch tv or play video games instead?" that was a little mind boggling... when my philosophy class finally understood why friendship could be defined as meeting yourself in another person and holding on. hearing the grammar class sing iron man...it was really kind of cute and made me wonder what the hell they were doing in there...but in a way that made me smile, of course.

so there...i took a little time to think clearly on a tuesday. along with the laundry and getting everyone fed and driven around and dropped off relatively on time, i'd say i've covered ALL my bases today...
peace

full moon

today, during o's soccer practice, while i was talking to the rest of the parents, we all watched and appreciated the shift from a lovely day into a beautiful evening. it was so cool...i've talked to these parents all season. but tonight, we talked politics. let me say, i live in a small, conservative town in texas...i don't talk politics...not with people i haven't known for at least a year, if not a decade. but tonight was different. i listened a lot before i spoke...but it was neat to listen to them all. and then we'd all stop for awhile to take in the night...and then the conversation would go on.

things have been really busy lately. and at times like this, a lot gets shifted aside. but there are some things that are just a part of life. and just because i haven't had time to put them into words doesn't mean they weren't shifting, too...changing me...making life richer. but it's funny, to me, to appreciate what i can't name. my friend ken did a blog awhile back where he said that upon observing a beautiful sunset with a friend, probably the best way to put it into words would be to point and say, "ugh." that made me laugh. but it is so true sometimes... i guess the true test is whether you're sharing space with someone who would have a clue what "ugh" meant. but i feel like i've been fortunate enough to share space with people who just might get it...and give a lot back in return.

there are so many things i'd like to talk about...my kids...my spouse...my family and friends. hsing. the co-op. church. but something inside of me just says it's not time to try to put these things into words yet. and i am trying so hard to respect it...because it's not that difficult to force these fingers to type something....anything... but i will wait til it's time...

peace

beauty

the weekend was crazy full of it...

the women whose ceremony we attended were beautiful. my friend from high school, patsy, has always been gorgeous. and she wasn't backing down on her wedding day, let me tell you. she and her partner were lovely.

the group of people assembled to support these two women...again...it was a beautiful thing. amazing. i get a lump in my throat all over again thinking about it.

our friend who sang...more beauty. her best friend that we got to meet...again...beautiful person.

hanging out with my spouse...now this one surprised me for some reason. but we had so much fun... i didn't realize how long it had been. well, a night away together sans kids...this was our first. but we haven't even really been out on a date in awhile. and these women kept telling us how cute we were together...how perfect for each other we are. it was hilarious. and flattering, too, i must admit. we would look at each other..."wow! did you hear that? do we really still have it?..." it was so....healing.

so all in all, we're staying with the gift that keeps on giving theme on the weekends. it was a lovely wedding/commitment ceremony for two very beautiful people...and the love and the warmth and the goodness that was the sum total of all assembled in honor of and for the cause of and inspired by these women....well, that was just a testimony to the good that just is. and it just keeps going...can't seem to help itself.

so here are some lyrics to the song i posted earlier that i was gifted last weekend. the story, by brandi carlile. it's a really sweet song and it's the one my spouse and i kept listening to this weekend...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

oh, and let me share this...it's cool for a couple of reasons. my spouse and i also listened to the indigo girls this weekend...their nomads cd. my spouse pointed out that during world falls, emily plays twinkle, twinkle little star. now, i had never, ever noticed this. he had to actually sing the words for me to pick it out... (no, my ear is not very well trained at all) anyway...so i thought i'd put a video of it on here for you all to listen for twinkle, twinkle, too. when i went to you tube, i found a really good version of it. cool thing is, they're singing it with brandi carlile....

it's around one minute and fifty-three seconds... (listen to emily's guitar right when they start singing "i'm laughing...." it's related to that line, actually. "i'm laughing, i'm under a starry sky.")


peace

oh god, i'm tired

wow, nothing to wear a woman's ass out like having a two year old in the house all day. yeah, i've lived with my own two year olds...four different times. but now that my youngest is five, well, i guess you could say i'm a little out of practice. but we sure had a lot of fun... and he was absolutely hilarious. the things he says...god, he kills me.

now i have to get ready to leave for our weekend away. and my eyes are so heavy... but i really wanted to get an early start on the road...have some time to meet up with my friend before her big event. i think we can do it...i think we can, i think we can, i think we can.

peace

i'm flooded

i am so over-extended right now. there is just so much on my plate...and for some reason, when i have so, so much to do, i find myself not feeling like doing anything. i also seem to forget to do regular stuff that i usually do...like...pay bills, or brush my teeth, or eat. i've long wanted to cut my daily coffee habit and switch to green tea. well, i did it this week. because i forgot to make coffee on tuesday...carpe diem, right?

but so much of this stuff is great fun, wonderful, amazing stuff. i love my kids in co-op. that philosophy class is so awesome.... and last weekend...that was incredible. and this weekend i get to go to one of my dearest friend's commitment ceremony. again...i am really looking forward to this. but i am even fluttering my toes to try to tread water here... my brain is so on overload. there are so many things i am finding i need to and want to and it is the right time to work on with my kids hsing-wise. it's just crazy.

life has seasons, right? when is this monsoon season going to subside?...because christmas is just a couple of months away, you know?

peace

also...

i had one of the coolest experiences today...

i ran into a man that used to be a camper at the camp i worked at when i was a teen. i admit it was his disability that originally caught my eye, but when i looked at his face, i completely recognized the smiling eyes. i think it caught him a bit off guard when i told him where i recognized him from...i don't think he recognized me at all. but he came and sat down later to talk to me. he works at the rock climbing gym now.

it was really, really cool. it only made me a feel a little old...and a lot happy.

peace

ok, let me just say it

when i first looked into who sarah palin was, when she was announced as the republican vp candidate and i'd never heard of her before (although she's always looked vaguely familiar...in a sexy librarian kind of way), my gut reaction was that this was crazy. and when i'd talk of her, i'd talk about her family. i was floored that she'd attempt this with an infant, in particular an infant with special needs. i used to work with kids with downs syndrome when i was younger, and there's a lot that gets determined in those first years.... so i just couldn't wrap my head around her doing this...

and i think i offended some friends...or at the very least, talked about something they didn't exactly find compelling. but it occurs to me now...after seeing her for almost two months (is that all it's been?), watching her interviews, her debate, reading about her in different papers, that the step i skipped in my thought process is that she brings nothing to offer in the role of vice president and THEREFORE i am appalled that she would do this with an infant...is that better?

see, i'm all about parents supporting each other as they strive to make good on fulfilling a dream and utilizing a gift while maintaining their families... but i just couldn't see what this woman brought to the office of vice president. john mccain...yes, i can see what he brings, whether or not i agree with it...same with obama or biden, as a matter of fact. i don't have to AGREE with someone to see that they bring experience and wisdom of their own... i just don't see that with sarah palin. and i'm the first to admit that everyone has a gift, EVERYONE, whether it's obvious or not...it's THERE. and maybe that's why i've hesitated to say this about governor palin. because it feels awfully arrogant. but this is my opinion...i am a voter and i am charged with the responsibility of formulating an opinion...as informed an opinion as i can muster.

i understand cinderella stories. we all either wanted to be cinderella or hated cinderella. i think secretly, most women wanted to be cinderella...not necessarily rescued by a prince, not necessarily taken to a ball, but that concept of someone recognizing and appreciating our inner worth and celebrating it. i think men want it, too, to be honest. but we also have a responsibility to speak up when someone thinks we're something we're not. and i don't mean "honey, you're the best cook in the whole wide world" or "no one can fish like my man"...i mean "hey, you're so smart, why don't you perform the baby's brain surgery on your own even without any medical education"...or "hey, how about if you run for vice president to get this old guy elected who's offended some of the more traditional and conservative members of his party and you're just crazy enough that they might buy you." i understand marketing and advertising and public opinion and how it influences these things...but i do not understand a woman saying yes to a position that she's crammed to try to educate herself about. if that's all it took to be a vice president, well, i'd think our last president would've done a better job, eh?

i want my government officials to be smarter than i am. i'm charmed by the idea of a housewife like me having these little answers that solve the problems of the world, but i don't kid myself that it's that easy. after watching joe biden, and maybe i'll catch the presidential debate tonight, i no longer think the republican ticket has any more merit...and that's hard to say. because i almost always find merit in everything. but i'm a little worn out trying to find it in a mccain/palin ballot. so i'm just saying it...

and while i'm at it, here's someone else who says it better...


peace

sharing some gift

here's a new artist i met over the weekend...first i heard about her, then i came home and did the homework. thought i'd share... meet brandi carlile... if you're already acquainted, i have to ask...why didn't you introduce me to her? :)



peace

gifts

i went out of town this weekend to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday. she was 33 when i met her. she's my oldest son's godmother. she is one of my best friends...and i was kind of nervous about going this weekend. because while i'd met almost everyone she'd told me was going to be there, i hadn't really seen any of them in awhile...like over ten years awhile. but i went. because i love her...because she invited me...and because, well, dammit, i wasn't going to be a baby about this.

she asked us not to bring presents...the whole "your presence will be my presents" rationale. well, it was such an awesome experience, we're doing it again next year. i feel like i received a big gift in being able to be a part of things...i haven't laughed so much or smiled so much or just had such a wonderful time in soooo very long. it was amazing. my friend has a pretty awesome circle of women around her and i feel so honored to have been included. it was delightful...

i will also say my husband received some of the gifts of the weekend. aside from a wife who was so much more relaxed...i was also so much more patient when he tried to unload some things on me after i got home. i love my spouse. i want to be there to listen and support him. but i have to acknowledge that there are just some things that are too hard for me to listen to and be honest with him about that. for whatever reason...i was able to communicate that a lot more effectively yesterday than i normally would be able to...

and there is a friend i got to meet all over again that i am also so very grateful about. i hadn't seen her in fourteen years...my oldest was two weeks old the last time i saw her. she plays music...amazingly...it made me all teary eyed to get to hear her after all of those years. i look forward to getting to know her again.

and of course, blessings to my friend who won't officially turn 50 until a little later this month. what a cool birthday gift....for all of us...and it just keeps on giving...
peace

ps--the friend i got to re-meet...she likes music a lot, too. and it was so cool because i was able to play some music for her (on a cd...she plays a guitar, by the way)... here are the lyrics to a song i played for her...and now that i think about it, maybe i've already posted them before? i don't remember... the song's called ten cent wings and it's by jonatha brooke...

If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself like you
I imagine what you're thinking,
I know, I know

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away with you

I will love across the borders, I will wait until it's dark
I will fly and you'll be with me, my wings, your heart
Then our memory may fail us, and our language will go too
But the shooting stars will catch our
Celestial view

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away with you

But I'll never tell, I'll never say, I'll never be that brave

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings tried and true
In another life you are with me, and I'm with you
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
In another life you are with me and I'm with you

and bye-bye

so i am leaving today for a weekend of birthday party goodness. just women. for two whole nights...crazy...i don't know how my guys will do with out me. but see, here's the difference between being a young mama and being a not-so-young mama...i really don't care. i mean, i am sure they'll be fine. and as i've gotten older, my concept of fine has expanded...there, that's much closer to the truth.

and i watched the debate last night. i still have a post brewing about sarah palin, but at this point, what i really want to say is that i was not very familiar with joe biden going into this election. and i am so glad i watched the debate. because i was blown away by how intelligent and experienced and reasonable and capable the man is. blown away. i'd have a crush on him if i wasn't already a devout al gore groupie. good television...

peace out

er, hello

sometimes, for whatever reason, i get so far into my own head that i barely recognize other people. ok, that's not exactly true. i do recognize them. i just don't always feel the need to engage them...or even acknowledge them. but i certainly don't want to be hurtful or rude. i'm just too far in my own thoughts.

that's how it's been lately. i read the twilight series, which kind of helped me get in my head. but i'm pretty sure i picked up the series because i knew that was where i was headed and i didn't want to struggle to get there.

it's hard to come out of these times. first of all, my house is usually a wreck after i've been not-so-highly-participatory in the world outside my head. and i'm usually really tired.

something that occurred to me last night is that these times usually come after i've spent a lot of time outside of my head...thinking about other people's stuff or anticipating other people's motivations, actions, meanings, purposes...working other people's problems...

it's weird to have the visual of my conscious mind like that little dangle-y thing angler fish have in front of them...connected to me by some small piece, but not really inside of me. and i know i do better when i relax and let it come back to me...quit putting it out there or giving it away...but it just seems to be a pattern of mine. and when it does come back to me, it's like it's on a bungy cord and it slams so hard into me that, well, i end up hibernating with it for a few days...not just unwilling to put it back out there, even a little, but unable.

i don't always understand my patterns better...but i am learning to surrender to some of them instead of trying to change them. and while that doesn't stop them or make them altogether easier to live through, it does seem to, if nothing else, let my body relax a little while i'm going through them...not fight them so much.

because i often feel like what i feel or what i think or what i have energy to do or don't have energy to do is directly related to, well, what i feel or what i think or what i've done...it's a weird cycle, and i'm in the center of it. but i have to let myself realize that i am not the only thing in control here. i have to allow myself to surrender some to the mystery. and as i accept more of the mystery, i learn to watch and learn from myself instead of always trying to change or improve myself. sometimes things may be alright, i just have to let go of my pessimistic or paranoid point of view.

i used to worry when i'd get too much in my head, i'd lose friends because they wouldn't understand...i mean, if you can't explain, how can they understand? i worried i'd offend or just be too "out there" for them to accept me when i returned. but now i see that we all have our patterns and that my friends are a lot more accepting of me than i give them credit for...than i allow them to be.

i'm not sure exactly what i'm saying here or where i'm headed with this. but i do feel my mind coming out just a little more and i thought i'd give myself a shot at blogging some of these thoughts...give myself a chance to see what's there right now.

also, i'm looking forward to the vice presidential debates tonight. my spouse has a blog he's requested i make concerning sarah palin, but i'd rather watch the debate first. and since i'm going out of town for the weekend--alone--i should probably use this returning focus of mine to work on leaving the males in my life with a little cleaner and more organized home.

peace out

...

yes, that is all i have right now.

doing lots. doing nothing. thinking. zoning. laughing with my kids. hugging my spouse. reading. planning. cooking. blogging. talking. praying. wondering what i was just getting ready to say...

otherwise, not much else...

peace