quick dump

that doesn't sound so nice, does it?...

anyway, i've got lots to do...it's been kind of a crabby, crappy morning, so i'm going to stop here for a quick dump and hope we can all move forward. (because, don't you know? it's always MY SHIT making the mornings suck...not really, but i figure if i can lighten myself, i can better handle my kids' shit...)

so i'm just tired...that's all. i'm tired of being married to a resident. i'm tired of money issues, time/scheduling issues, stress issues, family planning issues, family issues period...societal doctor bullshit issues...this isn't my passion, it's his. and yeah, i said i'd support him...but he's hardly taken on the societal homeschooing bullshit issues i've faced. and the ones where i feel completely inept...he's more likely to fucking agree with me than be sensitive and help me past it. and no, i'm not throwing him under the bus...i'm just blowing off some steam because i am tired of medicine. i'm tired of doctor shit. i feel selfish and petty and exhausted. and it's not like there aren't things that are good. because there are. i cleaned and cooked and cleaned and cooked yesterday. it was good. i felt good. but when we sat down to talk last night, he started going through this c-section he had to do, why, the reasons for inducing labor in moms with pre-eclampsia...which is fine. obviously, i was listening. but that's all he had on the brain. and i know sometimes i have a one track mind. and he listens...or at least he doesn't talk while i'm talking, and whether that truly constitutes listening, i'm not sure. so i listened. but i have to admit my mind wandered and i thought, "i really thought we'd be in a different place, for some reason. but i think it's because we're just totally different and how the hell do we ever feel like we've got stuff in common again?..."

anyway... my oldest looks at me as though i'm purposely pissing him off by saying, oh, i don't know..."have you had breakfast?" stuff like that... and then my second born keeps looking at me like some very endearing immigrant who does not speak the language...which would be, well, endearing, except i KNOW he speaks english and i'm just ready for him to get something the first time i ask him to do it. the third born...he's happily oblivious, much like his father on his good days. and baby of the family...he's stubborn as hell and the other three have me enough off balance that although i know e knows he's getting away with shit, i don't have the strength to challenge him because i'm pretty sure he knows he has the advantage...

ok, let's see how that changes the day...
(plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is?)
peace