Monday, February 8, 2010

hey, i'm doing it again

blogging, that is...

when i blog regularly, it's just like anything else i do just becomes something i do, i do it, and i keep going. and i feel good about it. (i feel the same way about running, btw...and am finding it just as difficult to get back into the swing of running as well.) and i am having such a hard time returning to regular blogging. part of me wonders why i care. i mean, i "see" somewhere on the internet or in person most of the folks who read this blog. but there is something about words for me. they help me process the world. and i get a little backed up. and when i avoid dealing with my verbal/processing constipation, well, we all know that shit needs somewhere to go, right? and like i mentioned in my last post, i think not blogging leads to much mindfucking, which then leads to worry, and then that energy still has to go somewhere and i assume it just swirls around in me, eventually leading to ulcers or cancer or my hair falling out at least...and then the sadness over those things will just jump into the fray of energy already swirling around and i'll probably just die. i mean, i don't mean to be morbid, but let's just get this out, 'k?

i admit i was going for a little shock value in my last post. mostly because i walked around in a state of shock for most of january. never really knowing what was coming next...and for awhile there, let's be honest, it just. kept. coming. but that is life. and it is also life to just sit and see how everything will settle...get used to the "new normal". (i can't explain it...i understand the phrase "new normal"....yet there is still something i hate about it...just sayin')

anyway....i was thinking about january, reflecting on everyone that was affected by it, everyone in the same position i am, waiting on that "new normal" bullshit, everyone who acted in ways that began the cascade that was january...i have so many questions i want to many things i want to say...things i'd like to hear. but i'm a little afraid of fucking it up worse. and while i usually feel that's kind of "egocentric with an inferiority complex" of me (thank you anne lamott for a diagnosis finally), right now i feel like it's just intelligence. if it feels logical to me that unchanneled energy can reek a little havoc and cause things i don't want, then it seems like channeled energy should be able to do really good things. but i think it takes time to channel energy...and i think it takes time for the good things that need to be done to be revealed sometimes. so, again, as anne lamott says, i'm just waiting for my next operating instructions. and in the meantime, i'm going to be grateful for opportunities to blog, try to find opportunities to run, and keep my therapist in business, i'm sure.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

hey hey

it's so weird to blog. only because i think about blogging a lot. i compose them in my head...while i fall asleep...while i nurse the baby...while i drive. but then i never seem to find the time to actually do it. and then i stay away because i'm afraid that once i actually pull up my blog and click on "new post"'ll just lead to this verbal vomitting of many damned things...that i need to get off my chest and send that energy out in the world to grow trees or something more useful than swirling around inside of me causing ulcers or something.

i am so glad january's over...

in january i...

learned my father's brother was hocking all of my grandmother's things (along with his daughter) to support a drug habit.

learned my stepfather has prostate cancer but doesn't want anyone to know anything about it.

learned that one of my niece's let one of her aunties and uncles know that she felt they were selfish people and terrible parents.

learned that my stepmother's brother hung himself.

and that was my january. so good fucking riddance to january, i say.

but...because i am who i am...i have to say that in january i also...

saw my father reach out to his brother and take care of his mother in a way i know he probably had long wanted to, but felt out of place to do.

showed up for my stepfather and mother (and grandfather and stepgrandmother) and it just felt good.

let my sil (beforementioned auntie) know that i love her and feel for her and totally support her, and that seemed to mean a lot to her, so i'm glad i took the time to do it.

was able to spend a number of days with my stepmother and father and sister and brothers with my youngest...and although it was very raw, i am again glad i showed up.

so the lesson of january? show up. unless you can't...and then that's okay too. but make the choice each time...think about it and go with what you got.

so now it is february. and i had a birthday. and i got soooo many wonderful, fabulous, amazing birthday wishes, texts, songs, cards. i don't know where i found all these wonderful, fabulous, amazing people...or maybe they found me? any rate, they are the gift i have always wanted and will never know how to repay or say thanks enough for. and that is the lesson of february.

peace out

ps--just wanted to father's brother, along with his daughter, were hocking my grandmother's things...his brother wasn't hocking my grandmother's things along with his daughter...that sentence was a little clumsy, eh? the parentheses fucked it all up...but it was clear in my head, i just wanted to say...