Friday, May 30, 2008


i was talking to a mama friend last night and realized something. (yes, this is my super morbidly intense phase...i'm hoping if i don't fight it, i'll move past it soon....everyone cross your fingers...i even have my toes crossed)

anyway, i was thinking about how there is something weirdly "comforting" about thoughts that are generally negative...anger, hurt, resentment, insecurity. i was working through some of those feelings last night, and i told my friend that i was realizing i needed to not hold on to those justified by them, defined by them. that normally, as counter intuitive as it is, i'd grab ahold of those nasty feelings, stroke them, feed them milk...anything to keep them near. because somewhere deep down, i guess i find them comforting because they justify not doing things that may involve risk...not taking a chance...not making myself "vulnerable". they feed that illusion that i'm in control because i'm not going to take a risk and therefore i'm "safe," even though i'm sad and miserable.

but i can let those feelings go. i can feel them but refuse to be identified by them. i really can. i've tried it and it worked. it nice. of course i'm still waiting, in some small part of myself, to find out if really i'm just screwing it up and this is all a figment of my imagination. but maybe if i stay focused in the now, i can make the illusion last forever...

i had a good day today. got a flat tire, got it fixed, drove home on the doughnut. met with the cooperative mamas, made some decisions, set the next meeting date. watched the children, really watched them, smiled a lot, felt good. getting ready to make some bread, try making homemade mozzarella, some other good food. looking forward to the weekend.

left foot, right foot, breathe...
thank you, thank you, thank you....

Thursday, May 29, 2008


today's been...emotional, i guess. but i still have things to get done, so i need to, you know, keep it together. (which is a great blog, by the way...beautiful, beautiful pictures of beautiful, beautiful children)

anne lamott has an essay in grace eventually called "the muddling glory of god." aside from being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, annie also was a bulimic. this essay is about her binging and getting through it or getting through the absolute craving to binge, i can't remember. (but still kind of like my whataburger deal yesterday, i guess) here are the passages i underlined...

But thinking of him [Jesus] reminded me that food would not fill the holes or quiet the fear. Only love would; only my own imperfect love would.

It is hard to remember that you are a cherished spiritual being when you're burping up apple fritters and Cheetos.

My pastor, Veronica, says that believing isn't the hard part; waiting on God is. So I stuck with it and prayed impatiently for patience, and to stop feeling disgusted by myself, and to believe for a few moments that God, just a bit busy with other suffering in the world, actually cared about one menopausal white woman on a binge.

..and respond to myself as gently as I would to you; this is all I am ever really hungry for.

there were a few other passages, but i'm going to stop with this last line. because i am going to be gentle and kind with myself gentle and kind as i would be with someone i love.

running on the treadmill yesterday, even though i am a bit sore today, was really a very gentle experience. being present, being focused, being centered...whatever i end up calling it (because i really do need to think of a word) really a more natural state of mind for me. not a habitual one just yet, i admit. but a more natural one. for me.

i have watched people this week be just as stuck being them as i feel stuck being me...those things that we ccan't change, no matter how hard we try, even when they don't really "work" for us. reiki says they are things we aren't able to let go of yet, because they are not finished teaching us our lessons. i can buy that. (as long as i'm not the only one with lessons on the planner...) *smile*

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


today had kind of a rocky start. by ten, i was thinking i needed to get whataburger for lunch and shove my mouth full of it...i was even considering getting a second burger just to rub all over me, so big felt my misery, i suppose. i was going to bathe myself, inside and out, with what i used to think of as comfort food, but what i now know will make me sick. so i was going to choose to make myself sick.

so after an hour or so on the computer, avoiding doing anything that might serve me well in the long run, i put on my workout clothes and got on the treadmill. well, i did lift a few weights and stretch first, but i spent an hour on the treadmill, walking, climbing, jogging....thinking, working, reading my reiki book. it was a good thing. i'm glad i did it. today was actually a big day for my treadmill time because there were some things i started thinking about that i wanted to work through a little with words...

i started out wondering why the hell my need for "comfort food" (which would make me sick) was soooo strong, so deep. i mean, i don't normally consider buying an extra burger to rub through my hair, so it was kind of weird to feel such an overwhelming craving for that. i've asked the mamas in my cybertribe why do do we do that? why do we want things that are bad for us? especially when we are feeling badly already? what is that tendency to do self injurious things when we are already hurting?

i was thinking for me, there's a belief that i'm not really worth goodness. so maybe i sabotage myself, because i think that's what i "deserve"? probably that makes some sense. but i really do believe, deep down, that life is good and we are all good and that the goodness in us and the goodness that is life are drawn together, even though there are all these little things that get in the way. so why is the default crappy? i mean, i didn't get the burger or burgers, and that's big, i think. but why was i craving them so much...

the reiki book today was talking about how reiki always works for the greatest good. i've been thinking a lot about the greatest good, even praying about it. it's right up my alley. it's God. but the book talked about how the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good for many is much greater than the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good just for yourself. this was big.

because last night i got in an argument with my spouse. and what it was over isn't important. but somehow, during it and afterward, i could feel how deep the well is for healing in me. healing i feel like i need, not that i feel like i can give, just to explain. and i had noticed that earlier in one of the blogs i didn't post. that while i am very concerned with pleasing people, making sure people know they are loved, experience joy...i am also endlessly needy for those same things. and that's kind of hard to balance. because while i want to always give, i don't often feel like i'm receiving much, i guess. i mean, i know i am. but when i am needy, it always seems like the cupboard's bare.

oh, and another thing i thought of was that my relationship with health is wonky. like, i've always felt being healthy was a defensive action...if you're fit, people can't put you down for not being fit. if you're not fat, people can't use that to hurt you. as though somehow your vulnerability justifies someone else's bad behavior toward you. but today, i started to see being healthy as a way of making sure i would be able to give and receive to the greatest ability and for the greatest good. i don't definitely made me feel more joyful inside. because i don't work well wears me out....totally kills the joy. if i am acting out of a concern that someone wants to hurt me, well, it just doesn't feel natural to me. not that i'm not aware there will be times people will want to hurt me, but i just see that desire as being an unhealed hurt for that person, and i don't feel very threatened by it. because we all have those, right?

i don't know...these are big shifts and hard to capture in words, but i just felt like it was time to try a little.

anyway...once i started reading in this reiki book about making ourselves channels for pure energy, allowing us to experience and live with the energy so long as we're willing to accept it for the intent of sharing it, well, then things started shifting. and i started seeing that when i receive healing, when i receive positive energy, it does not have to go in the bottomless pit of my "neediness" but can be shared as the positive energy it is. meaning it's an endless amount. because i have the ability to heal myself.

ok, i think that's enough for today. still trying to put feet to these rather lofty ideals.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

just a small check list of sorts

--book club was fun. they really don't discuss the book much at all, which is kind of weird. but maybe if i actually read the book for next month, i'll have something to add, thereby increasing the discussion time from fifteen to at least seventeen minutes. we'll see. but we did discuss eddie izzard quite a bit, tell some stories, and laugh a lot. it's strange to be seated at a table with a group of women and hear them tell stories about each other's births, spouses, houses, was so apparent how long they'd known each other. and me the outsider... but i mean strange in a neat way. i enjoyed it. i just wonder sometimes if we're really meant to settle here in this place of ultra-conservatism. i mean, these women did and they seem happy. i guess we'll just have to see....

--emily died. not emily saliers...emily, my mouse. it was sad. she ate some grapefruit seeds while she was out on saturday, and i haven't googled it, but that's all i can figure would've been bad. unless she ate my incense or something? i don't know. so amy is all alone. and i want to get her a friend, but i'm going to wait to be sure she's healthy for awhile before i start some chain of mouse deaths in my house...that would be so sad.

--my spouse woke me up at six o'clock this morning because he heard something in the wall. he was getting ready for work. he was all laughing/wow/freaking out about it. i was all grubby-eyed/drowsy/wtf? about it. and then he proceeded to leave a bunch of lights on in the though five of us weren't still sleeping. i guess i should say seven because the dogs were asleep, too, and then miss kitty started whining to go outside and, oh, i was just annoyed. but i think he was all chipper cause, well, you know, he got some last night. and we've been talking a lot. and i think he's feeling good about things. and i am, too. nothing like being the total outsider to get you to make peace with those you're closest to. he even said he'd start doing yoga with me...and NOT make fun of us...yeah...i'll believe it when i see it.

--i've been thinking a lot about the mamas on my mama board...and just the circles of friends i have, in general. the diversity. the shared love and support. what's important to each individually. what becomes important as we journey as a group. i still have a lot to learn. but the shifts at this point seem to be coming below the verbal radar, which is important sometimes....saves it from potential mindfucking. must be sacred stuff... but i do love these women.

--it feels good to get stuff done around the house. actually getting a lot of this stuff out of the house is doing great things for my state of mind. i might post some pics later of the kids' closets...please don't think me crazy. but i want to preserve this moment...if i get around to it.

--and i think that's it for now. last rock climbing class is today. i am looking forward to a little more "unstructured" time. i have a post brewing about my second born son that i will try to get to this week. i have a couple of meetings this week, too. piano. no flute. i think i've got it under control...snort.


Monday, May 26, 2008

ramble on

so the blogger at triangle nose posted the simon and garfunkel video to slip sliding away. she's so cool, because below the video, she posted the line, "you know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away." and that has stuck with me since i read it yesterday. kind of a challenging of that sense of control...the more you think you have it, the more the universe will pull you back to the reality that you don't have it. i mean, i think that's a strange statement in the sense that yes, there are things you are in control of. and only you. and really, only certain aspects of you, at that. and then there are those times we think we're controlling our lives, but actually, it is someone else and their impact on our lives we are trying to control which is, you guessed it, someone else and not a small aspect of you that you actually have control over. i have been turning that line around in my mind off and on for awhile.

then...i am attending a book club tonight. i've been invited for a number of months, but am finally going to remember to go and make the effort to be there tonight. the book we're reading is the secret life of bees, by sue monk kidd. i think i have lent my copy of it out, so i haven't actually read it...this month...or even this year. i read it a few years ago. and i am not remembering it very well. i vaguely remember the story synopses have helped jog my memory a bit this morning...yes, i am cheating for my book club. i am already a book club failure...ha but i found this little passage today....

"You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart--now, that matters. The whole problem with people is--"

"They don't know what matters and what doesn't," I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.

"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters" (147).

i had a post i never posted the other day that started with talking about the hiking i did when my kids had their outdoor climbing trip last week. how i had forgotten how you can follow a path when you're hiking, be trucking along, and then all of a sudden, that path stops. and i'm usually pretty focused on helping a little one on the path, so it's always kind of disorienting to me to lose the path or find that a path has ended. like, "huh? where the hell did the path go?" then i have to look around...usually behind me ("yeah, there's the path i was following, i'm not making this shit up"), then around me ("yeah, there were others on the path and they seem a little confused, too...except for that guy over there...why doesn't he look confused?..."), and then start picking out a "do-able" route to the next path i can find. (yes, i am almost always this conscious of annoys me too, so get over it.)

and that's been kind of how life has been lately. i was trucking along at a good pace, feeling confident in the path and my ability to make it, and then all of a freaking sudden, that path disappeared. whoa. (i know, i was hardly even noticeable, right?) well, it was hardly tolerable at times, but i think i've found another path. i have no clue where it goes, but i have faith in a greater power, an infinite good, an ancient wisdom...a collective consciousness...yeah, it's God...feminine and masculine, understood, beyond understanding. i was talking to a friend who studies a lot of buddhism the other day. i was telling him how the masculine pronouns in the bible irked me. you know...the whole perpetuation of patriarchy in christianity. so he started telling me how for something to be, there must first be a space for it to exist in. we were comparing it to your lungs expand (or the diaphragm expands them...this isn't biology), creating a vacuum that draws in the air. so he was saying that if God was masculine, the space God came into, fills, exists in was feminine. to which i responded that the universe is the feminine uterus God exists in?!? and he said right!!! i don't know. it was a fun discussion...even if it was the blind leading the blind. :)

so anyway...doubt and misery and anger and resentment have come in and cleared out a path, i suppose. although i don't really want to be on a path created by those things.... maybe they came in and cleared out all those silly notions that i am the most important or that i am in control. and now i can hear the things i need to hear. now i can feel the pull toward what i call my true north. it's always been a very strong a direction i do not always understand because i am not always consciously choosing it...other than i am choosing to follow the pull. i don't know. hard to explain in words. but so much more natural than the last month...although i suppose that was natural, too. in a painful, uncomfortable way. there are still things i need to do. and i am sure i will get them done when i am ready. i'm on a path again, i can see a little ways ahead of me. ;)

ramble off

Sunday, May 25, 2008

please don't report me

to the health department.

all this cleaning today and i walk into my kitchen to see a mouse on a plate next to my sink. gah.

luckily, it was one of mine. emily. i don't know how she got out, but i am not making a lot of progress cleaning when i keep running back to her cage trying to figure out how the hell she got out.



cleaning house

that is what i am doing today. cleaning, sorting, organizing, donating, throwing away, and handing down. i used to do this every season when i only had one or two kids. but since having the fourth, i think i've done it twice. and knowing the littlest will be five this summer, i think that may not have been enough. ok, ok, i know it wasn't. but i'm paying for it now, so i hardly think a guilt trip would be productive...

i've only accomplished cleaning out one closet. it is a closet shared by my two youngest (sloppiest) children, so that's good. and many little pockets of their room (they share with one other brother who is also a slob) have gotten cleaned in the process, so i think i can handle my second born's closet today. then i want to move on to my room....big ambition today, i am telling you... but second born got invited to a friend's house. one of the mama friends picked him up and will bring him home in a bit. she's already emailed me to tell me how wonderful he is, how cute the two are together, and how grateful she is i let my son go play there....gotta like all that in a woman. i wonder when i will refer to any of them as one of my friends? they are all friends. and i feel sort of a part of them... i just felt so close to the mamas i knew before i moved that i wonder when i will find the new friend setting here...

ok, i have made it through five cd's so far today. and no, they weren't all indigo girls. just two of them were. the other ones were the once soundtrack, jonatha brooke, and the eagles. back to work for me.

but first...go to my blogroll, cleverly titled "blogs i read" or something like that...find the one with the word "boychik" in the title...yeah, i can't remember those exact words on it and read about her marathon. i will put a link to her donation page in my blog later (even though i told her i'd do it four days ago). she's running a marathon for the leukemia and lymphoma society. awesome. and she's doing it in san francisco. brilliant. so if you have a little to donate...maybe check the cushions of your couch....please do so. she's an amazing person and you'll be glad you got a chance to help her out. (i'll do that better later aimee...but with all the house cleaning and such, i wanted to get on top of it at least a little...) :)

and for the mamas i need to mail stuff to, that is my goal tonight.

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can....

Saturday, May 24, 2008

better day

i just watched that alanis video i posted. i watched some of it before i posted it, but not the whole thing. i really like that video...her, singing her song, as she's driving a car or whatever while a parade is going on around her. how fitting. what's more chaotic than a parade? "no one's really got it figured out just yet...but everything is just fine." the song is still working for me today.

i had a really good counselling session yesterday. i'm supposed to send my sister an email explaining why it was a good see if there's anything she might benefit from hearing. but i can't exactly explain what made it a good session. i know there are some things my counselor is understanding about me. and that allows her to talk about them as though they are, in fact, a part of me and not something that means i need to be locked away lest i further harm or humiliate humanity. at one point she told me i remind her of her father who always marched to the beat of a different drum. that was kind of weird for me....because while i know i have a different beat, vibrate on a different frequency, whatever, i also kind of try to believe i am a lot like everyone else, too. so her saying that so casually felt kind of like she was "outing" me or something, i don't know. but it was alright, too. because i could tell she really loves her father, so there's always that... (that my the-rapist loves me? no...that's not what i meant, although i thought it was a weird statement, too...i meant that my children might be able to love me, take me seriously, not think i'm a weirdo kind of stuff)

anyway...i'm still working on what i was calling boundary setting before. and there is a boundary setting component to it. but it also has a lot to do with not just letting the other person define the relationship i share with them. so in teaching me to set boundaries, the-rapist was also teaching me to take responsibility in proactively defining my relationships...whether they're working or not, whatever... i've been working on communication with my spouse and i think it's going well, although he does get a little what i'll call "edgy" sometimes. and i try to maintain a sense of humor while maintaining my dignity, too. it is actually going quite well.

we went to the drive in last night to see the new indiana jones movie. the kids loved the drive in experience. they also got to go home with different friends after park day yesterday. for a couple of hours, but it's a start. i can see the potential for community here. these women already have such a strong one established. and they are all so, so very different. it's cool to watch them enjoy the good stuff in each other, ignore kindly the stuff they don't see eye to eye on, and support each other's children and families so well. i am humble and nervous and honored to be asked to join them....sure i will screw stuff up, but willing to try. because i've learned i need to work on my ability to ask for and accept help. but i think these women will work with me on it. and probably smile a lot in the process. if i let them share space with me. which i've been kind of reluctant about because, well, i haven't felt like i would enhance anyone's space lately. but i think they're letting me know they're still waiting... i don't know. i think the kids are enjoying the community, too.

ok, well, i have my spouse for the rest of tonight. it was kind of sexy to go to sleep with him in my bed and then wake up with him in my in a luxurious kind of way. made me feel like when we first moved in together...woo-hoo, made me feel young. (yes, it's been THAT long...oh, and i'm not talking about sex here...i really am just talking about him being there)

so we went to a bug show (as in volkswagen) this morning and hung out with a few friends and family, and now we're home to do some work on the house. i'm looking forward to it...everything really is just fine.

Friday, May 23, 2008


yesterday was kind of iffy. i must've started about three different blog entries. they're all still saved as drafts, and it felt good to write them, but i ended up decided not to post any of them.

maybe i'm having an identity crisis?

maybe my hormones are off?

maybe my mind has been taken over by the spider monkey on crack annie's always talking about?

whatever it is...i slept well last night. which i am very grateful for since i hurt my back yesterday mowing the grass. this is the first time i've officially "hurt my back" in it hurts and it's not going away. it sucks. but i keep trying to move it and i keep getting my third born to walk on it.

here is a song that gave me a flat place to rest for a few minutes yesterday... nope, it's not the girls...


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

a few notes

from my reiki book on my treadmill...

Although we cannot easily see it, whatever we think and feel about ourselves and others has a direct effect upon everything in creation. Because energy follows thought, sooner or later, the effects of our thoughts and actions will become our reality.

Reiki will never put us in a situation that we are unable to transform into a learning and life-enhancing experience. All we needs is a little courage, positive motivation, and a happy mind!

However, if we strongly believe that Reiki will not work for us, perhaps because on some level we don't want our situation to improve or because we still need that situation to develop some inner qualities, then this can create a mental barrier between us and the benefits.

"Breaking the chain," however, does not mean we should suppress negative thoughts and emotions. If they exist within us, they need to be regularly addressed and resolved in a clear, open, and creative way, without over-indulging them or directing them at another person.

If you are overwhelmed by your issues, remember whatever you are experiencing--good or bad--it will pass. Try not to overcomplicate things. Simply by looking for a peaceful mind and developing concern for other people's problems makes our own difficulties less real. Love, compassion, patience, giving, and wisdom can become our normal states of mind no matter how negative we feel or how difficult our life has been.

wondering if i've figured out what reiki is? me too... it's an eternal, ancient life force/energy. i think i refer to it as God, but i'm not altogether sure. that's just the feeling i have. i'm not quite halfway through the book, so i'm still trying to keep an open mind...

so i am sending out my intentions tonight...some peace...for my friend julie, for my sister, for my friend marcy, my friend denise, my friend shelley, my friend patsy, my friend lana. some peace for this co-op i'm working on and the mamas and families and churches involved. some peace and quiet for my spouse and i. always some peace for my children. and peace for the cyber tribe of mamas. and of course, peace to all the family, the ones i chose, the ones who chose me, and the ones we aren't quite sure how we found each other... and just peace...

wanna play "you ever...?" again?

me neither.

life is still mysterious.

there is so much i want to share, and at the same time, nothing i want to share. for some reason, the quote about no new stories, just new retellings of the same old stories comes to my mind. but it is a mysterious story...full of duality. and i am just feeling a little done with the duality of it all. and a little hesitant to offer any of my frustration or sadness or confusion or values or ideals or feelings period.

we did piano and chess club today. and i think we've found a location for our cooperative efforts. so i think it's a good time to get on my treadmill for awhile and then practice a little of that yoga i keep feeling drawn to.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

quick thoughts

quick only because i am tired and don't have the energy to make them longer...or the energy to come up with one cohesive-ish post.

let's start with ten, the rock climbing gym called to find out why we weren't there ready to go on the outdoor climbing trip today. uhm, yeah, i was wondering why they didn't mention that last week... so we throw on clothes and head out. it was a freaking blast. and i cannot tell you how happy it made me to spend a day sweating outdoors, watching my kids do great things, overcome fear, gain confidence in themselves..."trust yourself" is what the teachers always tell them. well, that and "i'm right here under you...i've got your spot".... it was cool. they really committed themselves to some really hard climbs. and they didn't make them all, but wow, they were awesome. it was wonderful...

also while we were there, another mama went looking around for a bit, and came back and to show little bit and i this tree snake she'd found. man, i am doing so well in overcoming my absolute terror of snakes... i went and we saw this tree snake. he was very big. little bit thought it was pretty cool. all the kids went and saw it. it was cool...very exotic for texas, i thought.

so now we're home...cooling off and taking turns showering off. and shoving food into our faces. we finished all our water, all our apples, and our fritos, too. (hey, it was a last minute deal...)

ok, a thought i've been working on... my best friend in high school used to have this sign in her room that said "if i tell you who i am, you may not like who i am, and that is all i have." i've thought about that a lot. it probably pretty much defined a lot of how i operated for much of my life. but the other day it occurred to me...well, no, if you don't like who i am, i still have who i am....right? and if that's not enough, then maybe instead of working to please whoever is not liking who i am, i should figure out why who i am isn't enough for me. and for what it's worth, i don't think it's because i don't like myself or whatever. i just think i've spent a lot of my life pleasing others and that pleasing others is a large part of who i am. but i have to be okay with the things i choose to do and let go of the order to be okay with me and not thrown off every time someone isn't pleased with least this is what i'm thinking right now. i'm a learn on your feet kind of woman...

maybe i'll come back later for a little more...after i shower...and rest...what an awesome day.

Monday, May 19, 2008


i listened to this song on the treadmill today. mystery by the indigo girls. (i really do listen to other music, i's just been the indigo girls that hit the deepest for the last two decades...) anyway...there's this line in the chorus...oh hell, here's the whole song...

each time you'd pull down the driveway
i wasn't sure when i would see you again
yours was a twisted blind sided highway
no matter which road you took then

oh you set up your place in my thoughts
moved in and made my thinking crowded
now we're out in the back with the barking dogs
my heart the red sun
your heart the moon clouded

i could go crazy on a night like tonight
when summer's beginning to give up her fight
and every thought's a possibility
and the voices are heard but nothing is seen
why do you spend this time with me
maybe an equal mystery

so what is love then is it dictated or chosen
(handed down and made by hand)
does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years
or is it just pop emotion
(handed down and made by hand)
and if it ever was there and it left
does it mean it was never true
and to exist it must elude
is that why i think these things of you

i could go crazy on a night like tonight
when summer's beginning to give up her fight
and every thought's a possibility
and the voices are heard but nothing is seen
why do you spend this time with me
may be an equal mystery

but you like the taste of danger
it shines like sugar on your lips
and you like to stand in the line of fire
just to show you can shoot straight from you hip
there must be a 1000 things you would die for
i can hardly think of two
but not everything is better spoken aloud
not when i'm talking to you

oh the pirate gets the ship and the girl tonight
breaks a bottle to christen her
basking in the exploits of her thief
she's a very good listener

maybe that's all that we need
is to meet in the middle of impossibility
we're standing at opposite poles
equal partners in a mystery
(handed down and made by hand)
we're standing at opposite poles
equal partners in a mystery

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1994 bmi virgin music inc and godhap music (bmi)

so i was all over that song. the mystery of attraction, of relationships...the duality, the opposite poles equal partners in a mystery image...heart the red sun, heart the moon clouded. yeah. that. what they said....

i had a lovely weekend. a mysterious weekend, too.

we celebrated the confirmation of my nephew, which at this point in my life seems just like commitment to the biggest mystery of all. we celebrated the birthday of another nephew on a glorious day in austin...i love that city. my sister fell off the face of the earth and then returned...that was happy. my children spent two nights away and then returned...that was also very happy. i talked to a friend on the phone i hadn't spoken to in awhile....and that was happy, too. my mama cyber-tribe was there... and then there were also the mamas i shined my shoes for, right? well, that was ok... but i did it, which made me happy....snort

but equal parts, right?...

i already mentioned my friend that emailed me for help with a problem of hers. another friend had to put her mama in a hospice home. and as tough as the year has been for this friend already, it looks like she'll lose her mama here on earth, too. i'm sure her mama will stick around in energy for a very long time...she just has one of those tough spirits...but i know my friend will miss her when her body goes...and for that, i ache. i know she will be pragmatic in how she handles it...but i know under the layers of protection she's laid, a tender part of her is sobbing. so i'm sending some love and healing there...join me if you feel so inclined...because you know, every thought's a possibility.


Saturday, May 17, 2008

putting on my shiny shoes

and a few other disjointed tangents...

when i was a kid, every time i went to an event my mom or grandmother wanted to "keep up appearances" at, i wore patent leather shoes. it was a good thing, too, because it was a cue to be on my best behavior. and looking at the reflections in those shoes that i wasn't allowed to wear any other time was amusing, so that helped with the behavior part...

anyway...i was always a person who wanted to please. it was who i was as a child and i'm sure the adults around me were glad about it. happy to help me please them...right? :) i have a son who is like that. and it worries me. because i think it's hard to be me sometimes, and i'm fairly certain, from different feedback i've received, that it's not the easiest thing in the world to be in a relationship with someone like me, either. it's nice to be pleased...people who love each other try to please each other...we are pleased when we are able to please someone...we are pleased when someone wants to please gets kind of confusing and has taken me years to see that my marriage was a little out of balance. or maybe a i's kind of confusing.

anyway...that wasn't even what i was going to write about. i have some mama friends coming over tonight. i at least know most of them from park days and stuff. i've vacuumed, i've put away our most offensive things...dirty underwear and compost bowl, stuff like that....i'm going to clean out amy and emily's cage in a bit and sweep the bunny room. you know...shiny shoe stuff. i don't want them to think my house always looks like this or nominate me for housekeeper of the year or anything...but i also don't want them to think i'm a total slob. (which i am sometimes, but not always...) oh, forget it...i'm confusing myself again. snort...

a few other things...

a friend of mine emailed today about a drinking problem and wanting advice from my husband. i want to ask all my blog reading mama tribe to raise her up how you like. i hadn't talked to her in awhile and i guess now i know why. but i've known her for almost two decades and am humbled by her courage in calling for help...

my three bigs are in another city, visiting their cousins....who honestly, have a very different energy in their family that makes it even harder than normal to let my children go. but i think my boys will be fine, better for the experience, and ready to come home tomorrow.

i was so surprised by and proud of my littlest when he decided he needed to come home with me instead of stay with his brothers and cousins. it's so easy in a large group to go with the flow...and not stand up for what you need. and when my sil started to pretend like she was crying because he wouldn't stay, i wasn't sure what he'd do. (yeah, i wanted to smack her a little) but he just smiled and said he'd see her sunday when we got his brothers from her. he's so freaking's like he's all the things i wish i could be...i say my ideals out loud and he believes them. he's not like that little mud-troll-person in me who's always poo-pooing my ideals and saying there's no way i can make it, be realistic...whatever that means.

my littlest inspires me.

ok, back to house work. i've even painted my nails, and i haven't done that in five years...seriously. i don't know why...i'm just done with questioning myself and have decided i'm going with myself... i think if i want people to have faith in me, i should practice the same...


Friday, May 16, 2008


or something like that...

i was going to post an excerpt from an anne lamott story called "mountain birthday." but it's in traveling mercies, and out of all my anne lamott books, that's the one i have the hardest time finding....because i either take it somewhere weird to read or i lend it out and have to go get a new copy. so i'm going to put in these lines i've underline from a story called "kookaburra" from her newest book, grace eventually...

I've always believed that there was a certain age after which I would be all well and I'd stop feeling as if I'd been abandoned here on earth with no explanation.

The gist of the story is that faith and grace will not look as they do in Bible stories, will not involve angels, flames, or harps. Disaster usually happens for me when everything I have counted on has stopped working, including all of my best skills, intentions, and good ideas. I overreact or shut down, then torture myself about what a fraud I am, like Kookaburra's bitter aunt Esther, in the branches of the old gum tree, pretending to sing the laughing song of the other but privately stewing. Usually there is something I can't climb over, all the tools and stepladders have broken, and no one is around to give me a leg up. No one comes along to say, "I'll haul you up, little lady." Some pitiful thing appears or occurs, entirely inadequate to help shift this grim situation, and it can't possibly be enough, but then it is.

If God has all the power and I've bravely shined so many flashlights into these dark corners, why doesn't God let me get well?

Finally I thought of one true thing, which is that sometimes I act just as juvenile as I ever did, but as I get older, I do it for shorter periods of time.

She did not say much, but let me get my guck into the air, so it was no longer in the anaerobic rat chamber of my mind. And as I told her my bleak and embarrassing story, it felt like dirty clothes. I'd been trying to wash and dry it inside myself, in my embarrassed mind, which doesn't really make much sense, laundry-wise. When you hang things outside, they get air, warmth, light; and you see that even with the stains and frayed collar, the garment has kept you covered and warm for a long time.

i am guessing those lines come across as rather disjointed if you've never read the story. it's a story about faith fair, an event she leads at her church, and the year she was offended and slightly enraged and motivated to get a little nasty in email when she was asked to provide receipts for the things she'd purchased. it's quite a hilarious story that leads me down a path to a truth in myself, yet does it in a way that i can actually look at myself and stand it.

well, THEN i was going to post an indigo girls video of a song called all that we let in...but i couldn't find a here are the lyrics...


Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it's sticking to your skin
But we're better off for all that we let in

Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single centerline
And the brutal crossing over when it's time

(I don't know where it all begins)
(And I don't know where it all will end)
(We're better off for all that we let in)

One day those toughies will be withered up and bent
The father son the holy warriors and the president
With glory days of put up dukes for all the world to see
Beaten into submission in the name of the free

We're in a revolution I have heard it said
Everyone's so busy now but do we move ahead
The planets hurting and atoms splitting
And a sweater for your love you sit there knitting

(I don't know where it all begins)
(And I don't know where it all will end)
(We're better off for all that we let in)

See those crosses on the side of the road
Tied with ribbons in the medium
They make me grateful I can go this far
Lay me down and never wake me up again

Kat writes a poem and she sticks it on my truck
We don't believe in war and we don't believe in luck
The birds were calling to her what were they saying
As the gate blew open the tops of the trees were swaying

I've passed the cemetery walk my dog down there
I read the names in stone and say a silent prayer
When I get home you're cooking supper on the stove
And the greatest gift of life is to know love

(I don't know where it all begins)
(And I don't know where it all will end)
(We're better off for all that we let in)

so there...that's mostly what i was wanting to say today. (and for the record, i think those oooo's at the beginning of the song really set it up well...hehe...why would they add that? in case you don't know what she's saying?...)

i will be out of town today and not back until late tonight. then tomorrow, i've invited a group of mamas over in the evening... yeah, yeah, left foot, right foot...peace

Thursday, May 15, 2008

let it rain

tracy chapman has a song called "let it rain".... it has been pouring here for the last couple of days. a pretty big storm blew through last night, and i went outside to feed my dogs during a lull in it. it was kind of awesome, in what annie calls a small paper sack kind of way. the trees were whooshing all around against a gray/purple cloudy sky. the wind was making a lot of noise through those trees... it made me think of spring, and storms, and new growth, and all that stuff.

that reminded me of when i moved to the houston area almost five years ago. i was pregnant with my youngest, my spouse had just left his job as a pharmacist to go to med school...i wasn't exactly nervous...more like stoned on absolute worry and really numb. and we moved our family of five, about to be six. and it rained for about four weeks solid. now, i like rain. the kids were a little worried that we had just moved to a city where it never stopped raining, but the whole "cleansing, new start" analogy carried me through...for four years, it carried me. i guess you could say i floated on it.

and now we're here. here is not bad. here is hard. maybe it's the lack of oxytocin, but i can't exactly get the stoned/numb feeling. as a matter of fact, everything feels so acutely, so sharply, so deeply, so exhaustingly.... so last night's storm was, well, a reminder. of seasons in life. of the natural process of things. and about how nature isn't always gentle...or soft...or slow moving. for the first time, i felt the fight in me relax. or at least my resistance to the fight relax.

and i was keyed up....don't get me wrong. my kids rocked the taks test and i was riding a big old roller coaster of emotions...this is fucking awesome....fuck that standardized bullshit....i can't believe they did so well....i can't believe i doubted them....or myself....i used to know this without "proof"'s been a long year....just to name a few. so the storm and the winds and the swaying and the bending and the swooshing....i guess it all just gave me some perspective on what might be natural and not unnatural and that brought a little peace. woo-hoo...that's always a welcomed gift.

then i watched a movie. and there was a song in that movie that squeezed my heart a lot... there have been a lot of storms going on in the world lately. and even though this song is about a relationship (they all were in this movie), well, love and hope are kind of universal, right?


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

bloggity blog blog

blogging is a funny thing...more public than a journal, but also a lot more easily edited. although i think that editing thing is a kind of myth for me because i never go back and edit my stuff. i mean, i do edit things as i type, but i never go back and rework stuff, which is something i thought i'd do, but i guess not...

when i started out blogging, my intent was to keep it anonymous, so that i could really just let fly and no one would know who i was, so there would be no accountability...well, at least not directly. (eyebrows rising up and down at the devilish brilliance of the plan...) but, like all well-laid plans, it didn't work out like then i shared my blog with a few close friends and a group of mamas i've come to love. and now it's just this place where i put little pieces of myself, either because i want to save them or because i need to get them the hell out....maybe because they're funny or i want some help or i like you tube...whichever...

it's funny the times someone i know has read my blog and called or emailed, worried. but i'm cheering at a soccer practice. or making dinner, or something. surprising sometimes the things we can feel and think and work through and still move forward, isn't it? but it's a snapshot and there's always a bigger picture that you just can't capture in a few paragraphs (or even more). and while i do struggle sometimes with how someone i know might read my words, i push myself to maintain my integrity...and be true to myself...keep plugging forward.

sometimes i feel like i sound so self-centered in my blog. but i dump a lot of stuff here so that i can get on with my life that is quite centered in service to my family. it's kind of a to-do list in constant be inspired, to be reminded, to be re-focused, to be re-liberated, to remember (which is different from being reminded, so i included it).

anyway, i guess i just had to get that out... in light of my messy, incomplete, fragmented blogging lately, i kind of needed to redefine this space for myself. here are some anne lamott quotes from "bird by bird" that explain what i think about writing...

We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in.

Truth seems to want expression. Unacknowledged truth saps your energy and keeps you and your characters wired and delusional. But when you open the closet door and let what was inside out, you can get a rush of liberation and even joy. If we can believe in the Gnostic gospel of Thomas, old Uncle Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth can destroy you."

so working toward awareness and honesty in my blog seems the right thing to do to me. there will also be stories about how that works with others, because, well, i'm surrounded by other folks. (not at this moment...right now i'm alone in my computer room listening to npr while i type...ahh, the calm is sweet...)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

working out of sorts

man, i've been kind of a messy blogger lately....kind of james joyce-y, but not intentional or brilliant at all... just fragmented all over the place. but that's pretty much me lately....

i have struggled with feeling weak, feeling wrong, feeling unworthy because of previously mentioned feelings... a lot of this is just who i am. a lot of it has to do with how the parts of me that were already mine to begin with, were reinforced and shaped in my childhood. (by adults who had plenty of their own shit going on, i might add.) but as i live and keep going, i have choices about awareness and responsibility. it's like working may be uncomfortable at times, but there is an end result in mind...a certain freedom in fitness that i am looking for. just as i first wanted to just be able to run thirteen i want to run thirteen miles quickly...then maybe twenty-six...i want to be able to navigate relationships more easily, more quickly, more freely...and feel a little less like i'm going to die at the end of them...snort. but this requires a fitness in myself and myself only and that's what i'm working on.

we have been busy today. we are still healing from whatever badness visited us over the weekend, but the kids still wanted to go to rock climbing today. they'd missed physical activity for a week. so we went. now they're kind of lethargic, but i think they're glad they worked themselves out pretty hard. i am proud of them and inspired by them as they learn to listen to themselves and take care of themselves....with a little help from me....sometimes.

we are wrapping up some of our hsing efforts for the year. we've been wrapped up, but now we're "testing"/wrapping up....yeah, time to put our money where our mouths are...or something like that. anyway, it's going well...which is a good thing, because after the month i've had, i don't know how i'd handle bad news right now. even though somewhere inside me the answer is, "like you have been all month" but whatever... it's going well and i'm grateful and look forward to a little closure, although i know we'll be working diligently on things all throughout the summer.

switching subject...emily and amy are humping each other. rather, emily keeps humping amy. and amy squeals a lot as though maybe she's not liking it. well, that was yesterday. they seem to have things worked out for today. which i hope is a sort of permanent arrangement because i read that mice ovulate every three days and that could really put a damper on our enjoyment of our new residents if they have to work this out every time one of them ovulates... but i will say that it amazes me the dominant animals that i have brought into our home...and me not really liking all those shows of dominance and stuff. but one on one, i didn't notice those traits. and in a big group of mice, emily wasn't humping anyone. but get them in the right say, my house...and the diva or hulk or whatever comes out... i remind myself that my fish never showed dominance, but then who am i kidding? oscar ATE other fish...

ok, back to work. left foot, right foot, breathing....

Monday, May 12, 2008

one of those days...

we are getting over being sick. counseling was kind of depressing. but left foot, right foot, you know? oh and breathe...i keep forgetting the breathe part. maybe that's my problem...

here's a song i love. i learned it on retreat and it's just the song for the day. (yes, it repeats over and over and over...i've never heard one person sing it before...well, even though it's not just one person singing it here...oh anyway...this is the first time i've heard it anywhere but retreat. i'm so glad i found it today)


Sunday, May 11, 2008

happy mother's day <3

what a lovely day...a pretty lovely weekend, to be honest. it's been a tough month to be me. but like childbirth, you go through some changes, some shifts, you labor, hard, become weary but have to keep aren't finished yet!...and who you have around you makes a world of difference. i had an awesome tribe...some i've known forever and knew i wanted there, others who've made a place in my heart and lifted me up, and still others i've only just met, but somehow wandered in and by the gift of grace had some kindness or wisdom to share, too.

i'm editting this post to take out the forward i originially copied and instead post this essay that i've been sent a number of times and inspires me.

"On Being Mom" by Anna Quindlen

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they
ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the
black-button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the
yellow ringletsand the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the
lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in
disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two
taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and
have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of
them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry,
who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors
closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food
from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the
bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within
each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now.
Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and
sleeping through the night and early childhood education, all grown obsolete.
Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are
battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust
would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the
playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations -- what they taught me was
that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is
presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice,
until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one
knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another
can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One boy is toilet
trained at 3, his brother at 2. When my first child was born, parents were told to
put baby to bed onhis bellyso that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the
time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research
on sudden infant death syndrome.

To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then
soothing.Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research
will follow.

I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful
books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of
infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for
an 18-month-old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat
little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he
developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last
year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can
walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes
were made. They have all been enshrined in the Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of
Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not
theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for
preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp.
The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her
geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted
I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and
then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I
include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two
seasons...What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while
doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now
that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of
the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing
set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate,
and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they
slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next
thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little
more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and
what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday
they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they
simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I
back off and let them be.

The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact
and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up
with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone
to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was
bound and determined to learn from the experts.

It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

there are so many more things that we have in common than that make us different. being a mother has taught me that. it sometimes seems easier to focus on differences and avoid people based on them, but my life is so much richer for embracing similarities and learning how little differences can matter. i'm so grateful for the opportunity.

ps--here's a little something i got for mother's day. my family made me gardening stones, but as each child put their hand print and name on them, i'm not going to take a pic. but here's some new members of our family...named amy and emily...i know, i know...go die of surprise already. but they are the cutest little things....

Saturday, May 10, 2008

cleaning up and resting

so my sister came to visit me. she brought my niece, punkin (aka pk), and we had a really nice evening. well, except for that part where she saw my gmail inbox and was appalled at the over 10,000 messages in my inbox. so she set out to clean out my gmail account, creating folders, labels, color-coordinating...she's all "computer science" like that... and i ran across this post on a yahoo group that dissolved a long time ago that made me smile. i was reading anne lamott's fiction book, joe jones, at the time and this passage had caught my attention...

"Left to its own devices, her mind is a fat hummingbird flitting
through leafy trees of anxiety, apology, sorrow, excuses, and dreams
of grandeur, dreams of humiliation. Sometimes she watches it run
off, and it makes her laugh and shake her head. It's like a video
game. Bright fast blips of worry and anger come at her, and after
fending them off, she's attacked by the huge lumbering
Czechoslovakian blobs of tiredness and broken-spiritedness which
break into smaller, faster missiles of regret when she fires at
them. What a half-baked species we are, she thinks, and does what
she can to make her insides more habitable."

it still makes me laugh. and i still believe annie wrote that whole book to put that hilarious and brilliant paragraph in...

also, i think we are all getting strep throat in my house. headaches, fever, sore throats, and eventually spots in throats. i'm amazed how everyone in my family, except my spouse, seems to be in some phase of this. ibuprofen, the new white meat...

cooperative efforts seem to be attracting cooperative folks...this boosters my confidence in the universe. as well as soothes some of my anxieties. because i've been taking some hits in the hsing front these days. marriage shifts and life shifts and hsing shifts have all converged for a huge upheaval this past week. i so appreciate the hands that kept me on my feet and the words that helped light up corners where the flame was getting a little weak. i am amazed by the wisdom that finds me and deems me worthy to share with, but then i have to remind myself that there is a certain wisdom in me to respect and embrace others, too. such a bunch of wise guys are we, eh?

ok, back to the resting part...

Friday, May 9, 2008

some words...

not a lot of original stuff these days...but i am kind of tired. the oldest and i ordered new glasses, they're all suffering allergies to some extent, and the grinding and polishing continues. in honor of all the shifting that's been going on in my life lately, i want to post the lyrics of a song that have pretty much been running through my head for over a week...yeah, yeah, it's indigo girls.

it's over
hang your gun belt
and eat this simple fare
what you need
is to feed on something
warm and hand-prepared
the ice at the edges
waters change is near
and soon you give in to
and free your long imprisoned tears
walk your valley
walk your shadow
afraid but on your feet
til your fire and my sky meet

so sick mad seas made me
tossed at such a clip
how i clung to you horizon
the captain of my ship
your flame never faltered
even in the fiercest wind
even the strongest wick grows dim and sick
when it's burning at both ends
walk your valley
walk your shadow
afraid but on your feet
til your fire and my sky meet

there is nothing but now
here's a cloth for your brow
you've done well
but it's time you rest awhile
you've taken on the whole world
like a boy
like a girl
you're a full grown wonder
you're a child

all misbelievers
speak with ease the cynic tongue
all is simple
and loaded like buttons come undone
like dreams and guns and questions
on fire but still alive
unlock your best potential
and your sights on love tonight
walk your valley
walk your shadow
afraid but on your feet
til your fire and my sky meet
walk your fire
walk your fire
afraid but on your feet
til your fire and my sky meet

words and music by emily saliers

and a passage in the reiki book--no, i still don't have a visual understanding of what reiki is, other than it involves life energy?...

Our ability to direct our thoughts and actions depends upon the mental faculty of intention. If we wish to do something mentally or physically, we begin with an idea or feeling, which needs internal energy to arise from the subtle or subconscious mind to our surface consciousness. Only then can our internal energies carry and support subsequent thoughts and feelings as they arise, and we develop our ideas leading to a decision for a course of mental, verbal, or physical action. This conscious decision is our intention.

call me morbidly intense, but i found that passage strangely beautiful and peaceful...

Thursday, May 8, 2008

one word meme

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? work
3. Your hair? dirty
4. Your mother? working
5. Your father? waiting
6. Your favorite thing? music
7. Your dream last night? empty
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? marathon
10. The room you're in? computer
11. Your ex? smiley
12. Your fear? randomness
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you're not? aggressive
16. Muffins? yes
17. One of your wish list items? formalwear
18. Where you grew up? texas
19. The last thing you did? coffee
20. What are you wearing? pajamas
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? furry
23. Your computer? functioning
24. Your life? beautiful
25. Your mood? rested
26. Missing someone? sorta
27. Your car? filthy
28. Something you're not wearing? bra
29. Favorite Store? grocery
30. Your summer? warm
31. Like someone? many
32. Your favorite color? green-purple (is that one word?)
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? to-week


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

too much light, too much light

this is what all of the nerves in your eyes and the rest of your head scream when your pupils get dialated at the optometrist's office. my teenager got so tired of his head screaming, he just fell asleep. i'm just watching all the neat-o patterns on my computer screen...

too tired to think...

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

speaking of music

so having a teenager in the house means i have someone who has musical tastes developing. yeah, yeah, kids almost ALWAYS have musical tastes...but he's been looking for other stuff besides, say, indigo girls the past couple of years. (although he is a thirteen year old who probably can sing almost ALL of the indigo girls' lyrics...just saying...)

so his first cd that was his that i bought for him was chris's a song...he's a bit narrow and traditional-ish in his view of God, but my oldest child really liked the music and i thought it was pretty inspirational for young's a sample of one of my favorite chris rice songs...

so here's a song from the first cd he's bought himself last night... (yeah, it's a long video, but it's really good if you've got time...otherwise, jump about five minutes into it and you'll recognize it...)

it's fun watching them find their own rhythms...

Monday, May 5, 2008

one more new thing

one of the mamas i've met since moving who makes me laugh mentioned this comedian to me. it was funny how friends and family i've had for a long time, sometimes a lifetime, were amazed that i did not know who this person was. so i've spent much of my weekend watching you tube videos of this man and cracking up in a way i hadn't in a while and much, much needed.

some of my favorites to share...


learning to be a little more independent (sort of...)

i think when i doubt myself, i project that doubt on others...and it requires a lot of contact, reaffirmation, whatever to work through that doubt. realizing that has been powerful, but again, it's given me a level of responsibility i did not have before because i was not aware of it.

i receive a lot of support. i know that. it's just been the kind of month where you figure that out, i guess. and it takes confidence, or at least a level of acceptance, in myself to believe others are supporting me and not working against me or conspiring against me. (yeah, yeah, egomaniac with an inferiority complex, right annie?)

it also takes an awareness in what is motivating me and what i am doing to be able to accept that support from others...and then to reflect that support in common journeys and shared experiences...and individual hearts, too. but again, i have had to find at least some of the truth in myself before i can truly accept others' belief in me...and not be molded by their belief or dependent on that.

working through that and past that has required a lot of consciousness and awareness....and sometimes paranoia, or self-doubt, or just vanilla negativity slip in when you aren't looking and start hijacking or just fucking with the energy. alvin and the chipmunks in the background also increases the challenge.

but the rain today comforts and inspires me and i do still like this song...even though i'm only now really beginning to learn how to dance to it.

i want to post this video of anne lamott...if you've never see her or read her or met her, let me be the first to introduce you. the you tube pickings were slim for annie, but i do like a lot of what she says in this one...

Saturday, May 3, 2008


i am pretty sure the universe is having a chuckle at my, maybe not expense, but my efforts...

so when life gets unpredictable and frustrating, i turn to written about the dictionary today?

integrity means moral uprightness; honesty/ wholeness; soundness.

compassion means pity inclining one to be merciful.

optimism means inclination to hopefulness and confidence or the philosophical theory that good must ultimately prevail over evil.

dedicated means being devoted to a special task or purpose.

and cooperative means willing to work or act together.

oh, last one...compromise means mutual settlement of dispute.

ok, let's see...integrity didn't surprise me...i usually just think of it as honesty and, as my dh reminded me today, people sometimes aren't willing to be upfront in their honesty. (i am sure he was speaking of experiences he's learned from working with his family, perhaps his wife, when he spoke of that, but whatever...i hear she's working on it.) compassion...that did surprise me a bit. i mean, i used it the other day in a post and definitely meant some aspect of pity then, but that slipped my mind as i was thinking about compassion today. i was thinking of it more as mutual respect, but nope, that's not it. optimism i have nailed...yeah, that's me. dedicated...i can do that, when i am clear on my task or purpose. it's like pushing in childbirth...if you don't know where to push, it's just a lot of energy downward, but once you feel that baby move and you can focus your efforts...look out baby catcher. cooperative...yes, that's what i was thinking. and compromise....i think the issue there is when there is no mutual realization that there is a dispute, a mutual settlement is not an option. but maybe that's why some people don't share openly upfront...because they want the settlement to be decided by them alone and not both parties. which is not, i suppose, a statement of their integrity. yet here i sit, thinking i should be still be able to offer a compromise with someone who is not looking for a least not in the mutual sense of a compromise...which seems the only way a compromise can occur.

either way, i think this is probably where the dominoes started falling. and right now, i'm feeling a little buried.

but i am still relatively sure the universe is least a little.

left foot, right foot, breathe...(knock a few dominoes off, rinse, lather, repeat as needed...)

Friday, May 2, 2008

centering myself

i don't know why, but i'm feeling good today. whatever war has been waging in my body has settled down...for the most part. and the sense of calm that has come with it is so very, very welcomed.

i often doubt myself...question myself....wonder.....who i am.....why i do the things i do....why i feel the things i feel.....why i think the things i think....why i am drawn to the things i am drawn to.....why i am pissed off by the stuff that pisses me i threatened? am i hurt? am i scared? am i afraid of being hurt? am i focusing too much on the what ifs and not enough on the reality of now?

i was reading a book about reiki the other day. i'm still not 100% sure what reiki is...i haven't finished the book yet. but it talked about how if people question you about your practice of reiki, you should not be defensive or tense....that you should be calm and centered when answering their questions. the book said that if you still felt defensive and tense, then maybe you should find a place to calm and center yourself and ask yourself, "why did i choose reiki?" like i said, i still don't completely understand what reiki is, but this statement i understood 110%.

i have long known that when i shrink back in fear, flare up in defensiveness, tighten up in is because i am not sure of things. and the biggest thing i am unsure of is myself. so when i poke and prod and push and pull and expand and wander around in myself for awhile, i often doubt the rationality and the productivity, the wisdom, of what i am doing. i feel like i am being self-centered, egotistical, whiny, and, the deeply dreaded, weak. but i come out of it feeling more centered in the world, a little more humbled, patient, and surprisingly capable if not outright strong. it's not all hearts and flowers, but it is a refreshing reprieve from the time do i say....being ground down and polished?

richard rohr says there are always dark nights of faith. he's talking about faith in God, but i think anything that requires some faith will have times where that faith is shaken down and something stronger (or at least different) grows up in its place. the darkness is, well, dark. and if you like dark...well, it probably won't be dark, then, because mainly the darkness is a really uncomfortable place to be. but you keep walking, even if by the end you are huddled over and barely taking steps or crawling on your knees, and you make it through to a place that isn't as dark.

i think believing in yourself requires faith. there are many different messages that come at a person about who they are....some from people they love, some from people they've never even spoken to, and everyone else in between. so holding on to that truth that is you takes faith. when you fall short, you hold on to the truth of who you are. even when someone else doesn't. and be grateful for those times others see what you might be too discouraged or too despairing to believe at that moment...

it's a funny dance. and our partners change sometimes, but the music goes on. and sometimes the partners who don't change on the outside, change on the inside, and the music goes on. and even when we change, fall into darkness, walk back out into light, the music still goes on. it becomes less and less about me as i keep dancing....and more and more about the music and the dance.

so i am doing alright...i think i like this song.

Thursday, May 1, 2008


there are so many women i am blessed and honored and deeply, deeply grateful to have in my life...and i think of them everytime i hear this song.

because i watch them bringing balance...fighting the good fights, healing the big wounds, and generally nurturing the world to a better place...whether they are aware of it or not.


ps--and i do know men who i think of when i hear this song, too... <3

just wondering...

do you...

ever try to be positive and then later think that maybe you were just encouraging dreams that are never going to happen?

ever try so hard to be yourself that you aren't sure who you are anymore?

ever look at your spouse and wonder who the hell that person is and why don't you know them?

ever wonder if the people who love you like you?

ever look at your children and think they are the most amazing people and that probably a stranger came in and parented them at night while you slept and that's how they turned out so much better than you could ever hope to be?

ever feel like crap but deep down convince yourself it's because you're a bad person?

ever tell someone who called you crying what's bothering you at the moment?

ever try to meditate only to end up dreaming you're having sex with a movie star?

ever set out to do work and never seem to get it done?

ever make it through a day only to realize you haven't done a whole hell of a lot? (ok, that's a lot like the previous one, i guess)

i'm not saying i've done these things...but i am saying that if i came across someone who had, i'd probably try to be pretty compassionate and maybe even give them a hug.

just saying...