Wednesday, August 29, 2007


we all are. even the ones we grow up depending on. my mom (she's technically my stepmom, but stepped up enough in my teen years, which i find a tad amazing, given how strange teens can be) is kind of fragile right now. so my heart feels tender toward her. so i will put her fragility out there on my blog, and if anyone reads it, they can raise her up.

we all are...i have to remember that. even when i want to throttle my teen, he's fragile. hell, sometimes he's practically cracked. (making myself smile here) i love these kids. they're hilarious and funny and challenging and good people. they still drive me crazy, but most good people do at some point or another...

now to the business of learning...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

uhm, rambling?

so last night, i was sitting outside and the moon was so bright, the trees were casting shadows. it was really cool, kind of damp-ish. it was amazing. the light in the dark, the coolness after a hot, texas day... lots of stuff going through my head. (plus, i didn't eat much yesterday til dinner, so i'm pretty sure my blood sugar had something to do with the surge of energy and all the insights...)

i was also thinking about the times in the past week i've been out in the kayak, or out in the water at the beach. it's a weird feeling to get really thirsty at those moments, and be surrounded by water, but not able to drink it. something deeply thought provoking about that to me, but i am too tired right now to dig it up... but it did make me think about the times i am surrounded by people but very lonely. and i remembered it all last night because as i was reading outside, i realized i was thirsty. and it was so satisfying to just take a drink from my glass of water and give my body what it was asking for...

also, i was thinking about my nephew. he did a silly thing over the weekend. he messed his car up a bit, but he's safe. he was like, "i'm going to tell you this even though it's going to make you mad." but it didn't make me mad. because obviously, he learned from it and won't be doing it again. so, he learned and everyone's ok. perfect lesson... i wasn't mad. i was grateful he'd shared it with me and happy he was safe and relieved he is still a smart man.

there was also a lunar eclipse this morning. after the bright moonlight last night, N and i got up at 5am to complete cloud cover. checked the front and back dice. couldn't even find the moon--or the eclipsed moon. it was a drag. all that light and then poof, the clouds roll in and you can't see it. but it's ok. we saw a really nice eclipse back at our previous home one night. and it was from 9pm to 11pm or so....and that was a hell of a lot more comfortable for all of us. i still feel like i have broken glass floating around in my brain from getting up so early. (and falling asleep so late with all these thoughts running)

oh, here's a random one... i was thinking about my animals. how i always seem to think they'll really be happy once i can devote all this idyllic attention i keep meaning to get around to... (ended that with a prep...darn) anyway, it just occurred to me that my animals are fairly happy, if not all out ecstatic. i don't know why i keep "withholding" my love and refraining from accepting theirs. i guess this was interesting to me because i was wondering what the human equivalent would be, if there was one...but i didn't delve too far.

ok, time to start school. oh! and i had a great conversation with N about hsing last night, too. i think i might get him on board with well-trained mind science stuff. i'm not exactly fulfilled with where we are right now, but i am very happy with the possibilities that we create by just keeping moving forward... it was a great feeling.

alright, now, "school"...

Monday, August 27, 2007

walking...just keep walking...

i think i already titled on left foot, right foot, so this was a variation on the same theme. walking, progressing, keeping something going forward.

i wonder why it is that my head gets so achy in the late afternoon? we had a busy day trying to cover all of our material (which after re-reading the relevant parts of the well-trained mind i've now decided is so inadequate). it's a lot of stuff. and i'm trying to give them a broad coverage of lots of material, but also challenge them at their appropriate levels. sometimes i am so freaked out by how difficult some of this stuff is for s. and seeing o at such a reasonable, pleasant pace is all the more unnerving. and it's not that i'm comparing them. it's just that n and o, academically, allow me to be so much more fallible. (now, in other areas, say like emotional support, they're fucking tyrants...hehe) anyway, s is just different. he is no less brilliant...he's just different. i just have to keep on my game. not let it get away from me, but also keep improving as i go. it's really been awhile since something has so challenged me personally--made me want to be a better person, work hard. if i could just get someone else to cover the housework part of this gig, i'd be homeschool mama-zilla...

so i've also been thinking a lot about mother teresa. time had an article this month about a book coming out of her personal letters written to confessors about her night, her darkness, her inability to feel God's presence, or jesus' presence....for most of her life working in calcutta. it just stunned me. the first thing i thought of was the indigo girls song, burn all the letters. it made me feel almost sick to think of these letters mother teresa asked her confessors to destroy. yikes, to have them made public. such personal thoughts, pain, still makes me a little queasy. but then to think of a woman devoting her life to a force she could not feel because she believed so is beautiful to me. but the article is kind of clumsily written and gives some insight into what atheists may argue with this book. there was a line about how mother teresa obviously was forcing herself to believe what she knew in her heart was false...that this book and mother teresa's letters prove there's no God. and that also made me queasy. because i'm fine with different opinions. but i think i feel kind of deeply about mother teresa. since i was a kid, i was really inspired, amazed, awestruck by the depth of her mission, her sacrifice, her devotion. and whether she did it blissfully wrapped in God's embrace or in a darkness because she so longed for the embrace, the truth is that her mission was true. i don't know. been thinking about this for awhile...

ok, i must go run on the treadmill. the longer i stay off, the harder it is to get my ass back on. i will take my global health care book and try to read while i run?... i will just go buy a bottle of wine?... hehe


Sunday, August 26, 2007


i was thinking the other day....i do this quite a bit actually. i was thinking about growing up for me. wondering if it was my childhood that made me so empathic and analytical and then defensive when it comes to other's emotions, or if i was just already wired to be that way. because i did watch the adults around me, try to figure out how they were feeling, and i often felt directly responsible for their emotions. of course, as an adult, i know i wasn't always, probably rarely. but it was all so real as a kid...

i still over analyze and tend to get defensive with other's emotions. but i'm learning to identify my own. the most liberating thing has been learning not to ask or wait for others to change my emotions, but to do it myself. or to sit in them alone for awhile until they start changing on their own... why do my emotions seem so separate from me sometimes? or separate isn't the right word....independent is better.

we had a blast at the beach. it was an honest to god first rate time. the kids were on cloud nine. i felt like a qualifying contestant in the mama of the world pageant.

and then we kayaked yesterday. (is that how you spell the past tense of kayak? wow, spell check says that's a fine and i showed my brother in law my nipple. (well, not exactly on, not at all on purpose...) but i am sure that is not why he was in a cross mood. i am sure that given the number of years i've spent nursing my sons, he didn't even think twice about my nipple hanging out of my bathing suit under my shirt that was quite see-through, as it was wet. i am sure of these things. ok, i'm not. but i choose to think they are the most logical and not that he thinks i am a bumbling idiot girl who can't even keep track of her own nipples. yep, that's my choice.

i am thinking about a tattoo. i wanted a tree of life, but did some searching thinking i'd choose from the twenty or so images, and well, that's not really how it's worked out. which is ok, because when i did a search for the tattoo parlor where i got my other two tattoos, the only thing i could find was a negative review about one of the artists... maybe i need to think a little more about this. i guess this is the difference between getting a tattoo in your late teens and one in your mid thirties?...(i ain't even going there)

ok, i have been totally lame today. (and i am going to buy a book about shakespearean insults for n because lame is just lame...) i haven't walked around with a limp...i've just not done a whole lot of walking around period. i did do a load of dishes... and made my bed. and changed my address on my driver's license. and...yep...that's it.

peace out

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

a few thoughts's been emotional lately...think i covered that already. (no, really?)

here were a few thoughts i had. i can see so clearly sometimes when two great people are angry at each other. i can understand why person a is upset with person b and why person b is upset with person a. ("you could not interpret me, and i could not interpret you") but an outsider can interpret fairly, right? and i know it's our humanity that prevents persons a and b from seeing past emotions, trusting each other, etc... and i guess one of my biggest frustrations is that even though i might be able to see something clearly, my own humanity will always prevent me from being able to solve it without a bunch of bumps. ("no one's gonna go unscathed") damn the humanity!!! how did jesus even put up with it? (as if there was a choice) but really, it was enlightening and kind of frustrating all wrapped up in one. like a reese's peanut butter cup...sorta...

other thing...(what was the other thing?...) oh! it had to do with surrender. i think i've mentioned a bit of strife in my husband's family lately, particularly between his sisters. and i've kind of been putting myself out there a bit more than usual. (and no, i don't just mean when i'm drunk) but i've been praying a lot about it and being honest when being asked questions, instead of evasive... anyway, it feels like being at the top of the roller coaster. i have no idea what people will do with the thoughts and words i've put out there...and i have no control over it. yet, instead of holding it in or only sharing it with those i trust, i've been letting bits of it go with those i don't exactly NOT trust, but i don't exactly trust, either... anyway, roller coaster thing. it makes my stomach feel pretty weird and it's a painful realization of what i'm not in control of. because i am fairly certain that at some point, i will get hurt in this deal. because everyone is not going to believe the best of me. emotions are too high, people are in self protective mode, and it is hard to believe the best in someone else when you are defending yourself. (unless that person is in your pocket, which few of us are, eh?) anyway... the deal is, i figure this is what surrender feels like. uncomfortable, not altogether pleasant, anxious...i suppose if it felt great, it wouldn't be such a challenge, huh? but i can definitely see some issues with not jumping up to defend myself. with not taking this shit personally.... i will definitely be leaning on those i do trust to push me back in the game when i'm begging to run away. (geez, i hope that's just hyperbole...i'm scaring myself!)

ok, off that subject. that's about it. my head is pounding and i need to make a dr. appt. for myself, my three kids who are aging a year, and eye dr. appts. all around...but not today. because tomorrow, we drive to the beach!


Monday, August 20, 2007

just wanted to add...

my goal for the next six months is to learn to start taking myself more seriously. as in....developing a little self respect. not needing others to seem to have some for me before i can treat myself with some. this includes close family members, even the ones i've married.

ok, that's all...

i'm a mess--don't tell me

i am such a mess.

first of all, i think we're getting some cold/cough thing from baby s. p's going that way, and my head has a lot of pressure, sneezing, etc...

second of all, it was an emotional weekend. emotional because n turned 13. emotional because my in laws all came but they just aren't getting along so there is stress there. emotional because my family came and i was proud and overwhelmed. emotional because i got drunk and pretty much embarrassed myself by, well, being drunk. emotional because N did not like me getting drunk and hurt my feelings. emotional because i had to find my feet on that by myself.

oh, and third, i started my fucking period. all of that...and it has the nerve to show up today, on day

so was a really great party. the rock climbing gym was awesome and it was a blast watching everyone. i got to hang with everyone, cheer for everyone, talk to my sis and company, talk to everyone was a lot of freaking fun. the food was good. the cake was accepted...(zucchini and all) and the presents were even awesome! then we spent the next day kayaking. how much better can it get? i am grateful, and proud, and amazed, and excited, and was just the coolest weekend.

(ok, so why do i feel slightly miserable and weepy today?)
peace out

Thursday, August 16, 2007

eyes on my own page

man, i am tired today. i went to bed at almost 3 o'clock last night. i was up setting some boundaries with my nephew, chatting with a mama friend, and then reading for forever... i need to start getting my shit together. there is a birthday party up here this weekend and my house still has some issues that majorly need to be addressed. man, i am tired....

i need to run today, too. and take vitamins. and probably do my neti pot. after i go to the grocery store, finish the day's schooling, fold about ten loads of laundry, wrap n's presents, vacuum everything, make my bed, clean both bathrooms, empty all bunny litter boxes....uh, think i can get all that done before i pick baby s up from day care tomorrow at 1:30? i am so tired...


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

uhm, bump...

so how to navigate the bumps that come? how to navigate the waves that someone else sends your way...someone who's part of your travelling group. cut 'em loose? sounds so awful. but i firmly believe that if you explain to someone why they're having such a hard time and gently point out how if we all work for a good then we will all be benefited, that a person will make the right choice eventually. i really, really believe that. (can you tell i'm holding on to that belief hard because it is trying to fly away from me?)

so what do i do when someone just won't choose a way that makes it easier for everyone, but also that makes it a lot easier for him....? because the choices he's making are making it difficult for him, and i have alway supported and loved him through those hard times, honestly believing that he would eventually find his way and peace would start to settle in his life. but i see him stirring up trouble, acting in anger and then cowardly blaming someone else for the results his anger brought him. and i'm waiting for him to be take true responsibility for his actions and stop squandering himself and others...their prayers, their trust, their love.

he's so convinced that no one understands him...that he's so different. but he thinks he understands everyone. he thinks he knows that everyone's got it easier than him, and he's pissed, he resents the hell out of it. but he's been judging his insides against other people's outsides for so long, that he's forgotten we all have insides. we all have feelings, and vulnerable parts of us. and i'm getting worn out loving someone who has so little true understanding of my life. not that i expect him to, he just doesn't even ask most of the time. and if he does, well, i'm not bent on trying to get him to understand. but at some point, i wish for him the wisdom to figure out people still have a personal, intimate, private, inside life...whether he knows what it is or not...and to stop acting as though everything you can see about a person is all that there is.

i am sorry my nephew hurts so much. and i would truly give away a little something of me--nothing too big, i mean i have my own kids--but i would give away a little something that he could figure some of this stuff out sooner than later. i will continue to pray for him, and also for someone in his life to work some spiritual work in there, that that person will have strength and wisdom that andrew will hear. i will also work on laying my own boundaries...not just with andrew, but with the family that this whole relationship has become mind candy for... i will allow myself the respect i want from started with those who've listened to me and loved me as i found my feet...but i will carry it on.

feels better to let it out...
back to my regularly scheduled program...homeschooling my four beautiful children

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

family and going with the flow

ok, it's sister and i have a favorite's the kayak. :) we had a really good time last weekend, spending the day with my sister and her girlfriend at their campsite on inks lake. we took our kayak and the raft, since we haven't picked up the new kayak yet. we also didn't have enough oars and paddles and, well, we are so ready for the next time we do that!... (yes, we've bought oars for the raft and paddles for the new kayak...or maybe it's paddles for the raft and oars for the kayak?...i haven't looked that one up)

we worked so hard and it felt so good and we had just so much damned fun. and then they fed us (which is huge because we are six people and it's not like it just takes an extra few pieces of bread or something). it was what everyone needed.

and then we came home and visited with p and c and baby s sunday. just hung out and then ran errands (to buy our stuff). yesterday, though, was a really, really slow day around here. i think sometimes, when you overdo it and overexert yourself, there's this big release of maybe pent up energy, maybe just a general cleansing of the channels (i am so amateur at this). but n was in a real funk yesterday, and he seems a bit better today. N and i were also kind of edgy, but not too bad.

so we're having a party for the kids this weekend. and i hope some of those who we invited can make it. we've had a couple of family members say they can't make the party, but a number will drop by at some point the next day. it's really cool. i mean, there are things that i could pick up and take personally or get pissy about, but for the most part, if i keep my hands in my pockets and off of other people's is so much better.

i've been running lately. and i ran today. and it was like, "oh, i just ran." you know, like "i just did some dishes." when something inside of me still wants a, "I AM RUNNING!!! I AM BEING HEALTHY EVEN THOUGH I REALLY JUST WANT TO EAT POTATO CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE, DRINK BEER, AND SIT ON MY ASS AND READ AND IGNORE MY KIDS MOST OF THE TIME!!!" that's kind of parade-worthy, isn't it?

oh, speaking of reading...i posted a link to the brotherhood 2.0 website. it's a really good site. one of the brothers is a man named john green, and he writes young adult fiction. i am reading a book he wrote called "looking for alaska" that won the printz award for young adult fiction. the dust cover made a reference to the spirit of j.d. salinger living on, which just about made me have an orgasm, so of course, i had to read it. and i'm liking it. i'm thinking about handing it over to n. i'm wondering if reading about it is adequate exposure to drugs, drinking, cigarettes, sex... maybe it'll quell the desire to experiment? haha, am i kidding myself or what? i'm just not sure how i feel about it. but i really like the book. i guess i'll just have to see how it all resolves itself...

ok, off to find something to do. laundry would probably be a good thing...sigh...

Thursday, August 9, 2007

twitch, twitch...

i am really antsy right now. on the one hand, i could list all the things that are great and fine and wonderful...on the other, i could list all the things that are irritating me, stressing me out, making me sad. i just can't land on either side, which is frustrating, but also a good thing because i do not want to get stuck in the negative.

i think we'll just go camping this weekend. it is probably the best thing to do...but i do not want to take my dogs...i DO want to take my kayak, though... :)

center myself
send out good
receive good

peace out

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

God, the breeze, and shooting stars

last night, i had the dogs outside. (no big surprise, i take them out every night) anyway, i looked up at the stars. (side note: we have really good stars where i live...i try to remember to look at them every night.) so as soon as i looked at the stars, i saw a shooting star. immediately. right when i looked up, the star "shot". if i'd have been a second later, i would've missed it.

awhile back i told my friend lana a story about camping at inks lake. there are very good stars at inks lake, too. so on the way to the bathroom one night, i looked up at the stars, and was totally struck by how many there were, how huge the sky was, how black the night/how bright the stars... it was a beautiful moment. but, in the back of my head, i can't deny, i was thinking a shooting star streaking across the velvet night would've kind of cemented the whole "this is an amazing moment" experience. and then i caught myself.... not fully appreciating the night sky before me because i was looking for a little more "glitter", a little more something. i was caught the process of thinking it and aware of thinking it as well as how sad it was. i asked lana, "why am i always looking for the damn shooting star? why can't i just be happy with the stars?!?!" (and for what it's worth, i had been working on this)

so, last night... i caught this shooting star right when it decided to shoot. and it made me think of my night of wanting...wishing for one when there wasn't one. but what struck me last night, was it was so anticlimactic. (i know, i know...i'm rolling my eyes at myself) but it was still beautiful. it just made me laugh at myself. because i could feel myself feeling like i wasn't PREPARED for that...i wasn't PREPARED to APPRECIATE the moment... but i did. and it was good. and the whole thing made me laugh. (out loud, by myself...which is a good kind of laughter, i've learned)

so i'm sitting there laughing, the breeze comes. and maybe it's because i live in texas, but i have always associated a cool breeze with God reaching out to touch me, take care of me, and most times, just help me cool off (which has so many different meanings). so the breeze comes, and i'm laughing, and i think, "yeah God, i feel you here." but then that makes me think about all the breezes in the world. and how if someone doesn't associate that with God or if someone isn't talking to God when the breeze blows, well...if a tree falls and no one hears is, does it make a noise? so, i think it does. i think the breeze is always there. i think acts of kindness and charity and grace and love are all around us. we just have to tune in. i'm sure there are breezes that i miss...absolutely certain of it. but the ones i experience are real, because i am real. right? ;)

i could spend some more time with this, but my new four year old is asking for orange crackers. (he isn't aware that i am not fond of food coloring and there are no orange crackers in the house...nor have there been) so i am off to help feed him.

(oh God help me...he has pulled out a can of easy cheese--N!!!!......)


Monday, August 6, 2007

happy birthday, little e man...

i have a post brewing...i'm afraid it might be a bit over-steeped, to be honest. but it'll have to wait. today's e's 4th birthday. it's funny to watch my family feeling our baby-est growing up. it affects them all. each of his brothers made a gift of some sort for him. i've never seen my kids spontaneously set out to have a gift for someone--ever. he really still is, in a lot of ways, glue that binds us...with love and laughs, of course.

so the cake is cooling and we've opened a few presents. we'll make pizza tonight, and today has just been a buffet of crap. well, after the whole wheat plus milled flax seed blueberry muffins for breakfast...which, uh, no one ate. i only ate one. dude, let me tell you, those tasted waaay "healthy".... :)

happy birthday, little bit...

Saturday, August 4, 2007

grass and philosophy

so today i mowed the grass. front yard and back yard. yeah, i counted that as my workout and i think i sweat so much my skin was hurting... the first time i mowed the grass here, i forgot about the "auto drive" feature on our lawn mower. so i mowed half of it pushing with every muscle in my body...and it was hard. and i felt stupid.

but today i remembered the auto drive, and i used it, and it was still a pretty hard job. i was pushing the mower along, probably only about a quarter of the job left to go, when i thought about how i was pushing the mower....and how different it looks from how N pushes the mower. when i push, my arms are long in front of me, strong, pushing. my back is slanted, pushing. my legs are far behind me, pushing. every damned part of me pushes the mower...even with the auto drive engaged. N...he does not do this. he stands straight and his arms are fairly relaxed. he looks more like he's pushing a baby buggy on a street than our mower through our thick grass on our uneven lawn. and it occurs to me that this is one of those moments in life that illustrates something that's pretty true. N and i do have these different postures in how we approach things. he's usually fairly relaxed and me, well, i tend to hunch down like a cro magnon ready to tackle whatever...not really, but i do tend to launch myself into whatever i do most wholly.

so i try to relax and adopt N's posture at the mower. and it's ok. but not even five minutes later, i find my body back in my own position. so i'm thinking, why am i doing this? this way hurts my neck, my back. why am i pushing so hard? so THAT made me think of labor. and it made me think how during labor is not the time to tell someone they are pushing all wrong, or too hard. (or if you do, you better be pretty fucking careful at how you do it, huh?) and it's also not the time to try to completely change the way you're doing something. i mean, i'll try to get myself to relax, even while mowing the yard. (although yesterday's yoga left my back so out of whack, i'm beginning to get a little discouraged in the mind/body/spirit peace department) but i'm also going to be gentle with myself...because I'M WORKING HERE... we all are. we're all working really hard on stuff and need to remember that. treat ourselves more kindly and gently and treat each other more kindly and gently.

last thing...N's on call tonight. we took him up some dinner, but there were just too many mamas getting ready to have babies for him to eat with us. so he just hugged us all really tightly. it was quite touching and emotional for a little bit. because we all just kind of knew how much he loved us. how much he wished he could spend some time with us. and how much he misses us. i guess it is easier to believe that he loves his job so much that he doesn't miss us when he's there. but tonight, it was so true, it makes me ache to remember it. but we are proud of him and we love him, too.

when we left, n said he didn't want to be a doctor when he grew up. i asked him what he wanted to do and he said be a teacher. i said they had a pretty good schedule. he said he wanted to teach snow boarding... (i am shaking my head here) crazy texas kid...

peace out

Friday, August 3, 2007

the sisterhood

been thinking about this lately...

sometimes it takes awhile for a woman to discover what is true to her heart. and it can take even longer for that woman to find the courage to act on her discovery. particularly if what feels true to her is different from what the sisters before her have done. no woman wants to make another feel as if what they are doing is wrong or not good enough, because we all know how it feels to be judged; it hurts. and i truly believe no woman wants to hurt another woman. but to carve your own space, and do what you feel is right can be daunting and challenging, not just to you, but to those around you. so to take that boldly travel to a place that is new and different, led bravely by your heart but with your mind fully engaged, is exhilarating, liberating. but once there, to allow a daughter or sister to make a choice to go her own way, even away from where you've support her in her need to find her own true heart, when it is different from yours...well, it is challenging, yet it is one of those things that makes me proud to be a part of the sisterhood.

women are so rarely content with the status quo. and men find that so frustrating. hell, women find it frustrating too. we look at ourselves sometimes in those male terms...indecisive, emotional, sensitive, temperamental. the ability to recognize the subtlety of human truths and the vast differences in how they are lived...the ability to feel without shame or regret...the ability to respect those same feelings in others...the ability to tune into our surroundings and support those around us...these are all things that make women so powerful. they are the things that we see in each other, admire in each other, respect in each other and support in each other, all the while vowing to put it forward ourselves...and the circle continues. and again, it is a circle i am awed and humbled to be a part of.

i don't know why we let fear weaken us. fear that we aren't or won't be supported, understood, appreciated, or respected by each other. if we only looked inside of ourselves and let go of those weeds of fear, the tree of our faith and trust would grow quickly. but maybe this is to keep us in balance. to keep us humble. to keep us from TAKING OVER THE WORLD.... :)

but imagine a world where we knew the woman next to us was friend. someone who trusts us. someone who we can trust. someone who may make different choices, but that difference does not make her our enemy. if we each respected that unique and individual heart inside us for what it is to her and not what it implies about us. because all the implication should be is a continued search for something more, maybe a resting time until the courage is gathered, maybe still a time of discovery. but supporting each other is, again, contributing to the circle of womanhood, and something that will always come back to us.

there are many sisters i've watched lately do very courageous things. things i am encouraged and inspired by.

but one particular reason this is on my heart is a good friend who is also a homeschooling mama. she is who inspired me to research this option for my family, so i feel a little indebted and, uhm, well, kind of "worship-ful" of her. :) anyway, her oldest daughter will be starting public high school this fall. and while i know it's been a hard journey for both of them to make, i'm deeply touched to have been someone she shared with through the journey (although, i realize, truly, the journey has only just begun...). mostly, i'm encouraged to my core at her wisdom and courage in making this decision with her daughter. i'll tell you, wisdom and courage were not these tidy, neat entities that just came and bestowed order on everything. they were very earthy, and very present through tears and emotions like anger and hurt and healing... much confusion was used to tease them out of the mundane... but they were, i believe, found by an unwavering love and respect for womanhood...a budding womanhood, but also one that is perhaps more experienced, but still growing and learning and every bit as hungry for life as before, intertwined, tangled, growing in tandem, but also growing their own ways...and the tree grows and it shades the world, gives it oxygen and a place for everything to rest, fruits, etc...

got a little gushy there...and maybe it's a little too sappy. but hell, this is a blog and this is all on the fly. :)
have a good day

Thursday, August 2, 2007


we have finished our school week! while this may not exactly be like crossing the finish line of a marathon, it definitely shares some similarities to finishing 30 minutes on the treadmill on the 6 mph program... shit, i'm just happy! :) we're making good progress--hell, even N's happy with it, so we must be just freaking awesome...hehe now i can do all that other stuff that doesn't get done because being a homeschooling mom of four is hard work. (and if you don't think so, this is me flipping you off.......................................................................ok, done)

anyway. everyone is doing really well. i have so much shit to catch up on because i am so busy making sure i'm ready for these guys. it's great, but it's also like starting a full time job. i have all this HOUSEWORK to do. and i HATE housework...(is that a compound word? not sure...spell check will save me) i have bills to pay and animals to take care of and thank yous to write to all the people who love and support us and celebrations to plan marking the births of three of my children...not to mention food to buy and cook, dishes to clean, oh yeah! laundry, floors, know, life, whatnot...

i dreamt about camping with my kids last night. it was bare bones camping...not tons of supplies. basically, sleeping bags and a tent. i think we were actually camping outside of some one's fence line. like, in the city. and i don't think we knew them. i was mildly bothered by the idea of the kids peeing somewhere so close to someone else's backyard, but only mildly. it was a good time. relaxing. we were laughing a lot and having lots of fun. kind of weird...

oh, but n's was even weirder. i've been waking him up lately (teenage hormones trying to make him sleep in...i'll see about that!). but it's kind of been nice to lay in bed with him for a minute in the morning, talking. so i scared him this morning. he was dreaming, and when i touched his shoulder, it freaked him out. and he starts telling me this dream. he was in the desert, it was snowing, so he ran into a giant gladware. (and he was not even laughing yet, i swear) and all these spiders run in with him. there are these skinny, red, white, and black spiders that spit venom at him, trying to land it in his eyes. (like a cobra) so he has two pet spiders of his own, thomas and harold. (he does giggle a bit at that) and he's luring them onto the bad spiders to get them to eat the bad ones up. he was working on getting harold to eat the last bad spider when i woke him up. man, is his subconscious having a field day or what? he was pretty amazed at how weird his dream was...

anyone wanna analyze those?...

ok, i need to go make a list...a long freaking list...of all the stuff i need to do that i keep forgetting because i'm homeschooling again. man, it feels good...

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

let the sun shine

so, i've been pretty pensive. it's just one of those times where a lot of emotion got released and everything kind of got stood up on its head and now we just have to be patient while it settles into the new now, the new real. my nephew is pretty hurt. i think everyone is pretty hurt. when so much goes flying at once, lots of people get wounded by the fallout. (just read the last battle scene of harry potter if you doubt me)

so anyway...

we're schooling here. and grateful to be doing it. i'm one of those moms checking off her daily "to do" list. and the kids and i are glad to have interesting things to talk about. we were getting kind of tired of the whole "and what do you think he was trying to communicate when he pushed you?" line of discussion over and over and over... we're doing history, spelling, creative writing, grammar, handwriting, math, creative journaling, and english from the roots up. i can see where we'll soon finish one of these and have a space for a science for awhile. it's like we're actually doing what i've been wanting to do for a long time. i guess we all finally got mature enough. (and know that i am sure my own maturity was primary in getting us here...)

alright, so i have a number of friends who are brilliant writers. i have a good friend who has agreed to let me post a beautiful poem she wrote awhile back.'s something i haven't done in awhile. but denise did...and here's her poem. (the spacing's a little wonky. when i copy and paste these, the spacing goes away altogether.) but all the words are hers...enjoy.

The Last Straw

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise.
Eric Hoffer

She falls into bed exhausted
leaden arms, collapsed shoulders
throbbing feet
aches of loneliness
miles between her side
and his
her weak voice, anticipates rejection
“Will you rub my feet?”

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.

He grumbled, tossed, rolled
unintelligible words mumbled
over his lips into the brocaded comforter
lost in spongy astronaut fibered pillows

The sheep’s in the meadow,

A little stronger now, what the hell
it wasn’t like she came begging for a blow job
“My feet, they ache, I was on them all day,
chasing children, working horses.”
Please will you rub them?”

The cow’s in the corn

She flashed to the days
when they spent more nights
apart than together,
recalled empty-bedded evenings wishing him next to her
living on promises of things to come:
loving, simple caresses, intimate conversations
when they would be together
he was here
and they were never further apart

Where is the boy that looks after the

Her plea for touch
to validate the emptiness
of a mother’s, a wife’s, a woman’s duties
asking for
someone to turn to in these days of
midlife crises and fading bliss
With a pillow in the crook of his arm
fisted hand under his head
back to his beloved
he pulls covers over his shoulders
blanketing out her request
erasing her existence

He’s under the haystack fast asleep.

he begins to snore

Will you wake him?

She considers her options
throbbing arches, cracking knees
calves with strings of hot muscle running up and down
and up and down
she flings back covers, plomps an old
threadbare pillow under her legs
lies back and slowly
recovers herself.
Turning away, she closes her eyes
and mentally begins the list
the list of belongings she’ll tuck in her suitcase
tomorrow morning

Will you wake him?
No, not I;
For if I do, he’ll be sure to cry.

dlmoore may 8, 2007