Tuesday, December 30, 2008


i was just explaining to someone the other day how these new video games are really hard for me to play. when it was pac man or tetris, i was fine...working two dimensionally on a screen worked for me...my brain could handle it. but once the kids got these flying games that moved in three dimensions, trying to manipulate my airplane often left me feeling car sick. and i was a little embarrassed by this...i tried really hard to push through it and get good at those games, but the motion sickness would just get worse and i'd have to admit eventually that i had no desire to even try anymore. my planes would always wobble and then i'd get flipped around and thrown back into the playing field because, despite my best efforts, i'd always end up flying out of bounds. (and the flipping would really make me sick...)

but i have been thinking about those wobbly planes lately. because i've been feeling wobbly, i guess. not flying too evenly...or too confidently, either. i've learned to accept that this is part of life...sometimes without getting too bent over it. but it still makes me a little car sick...and whether that's part of life or not, it's a drag. yes, maybe i shouldn't attach an evaluation to this state of affairs, but it's there...and it's not work i feel like doing to adjust it right now.

it is so funny how i want to come on here and write sometimes, but i don't feel like getting specific...because i'm not always good at which details are relevant and end up getting wrapped around in the story and miss the point...but then i don't always know how to write anything at that point.

my spouse is working nights for a few days. nights suck. it is lonely. although i told him today that i wasn't really sure what all was that different between when he's here nights or not that would affect loneliness...it's not like we talk all that much, to be honest. but then lanatron posted about presence on her blog and it was perfect. i miss his presence...the shared experience even though we often do completely different things (and think completely different things, but i don't feel like getting into that just now) when we're sharing space.

it is a dynamic time for my family. and for whatever reason, one day i will be ready to embrace the new day and another i'll be grabbing ahold of what was, fingers white, nails dug in, not wanting to let go of where we are, what i know. i'm a little erratic these days, as annie would say.

my teenager worked through some anger he had at his robotics coach a few days ago. (yes, i'm also his robotics coach, but i mean the other one) he did really well. he really is an amazing kid who is really wise about how to speak his mind and amazingly in control of his emotions, well, on the outside, as he does it. but it just about wrecked me. i mean, i kept my cool in the situation, tried to be supportive and stuff. but on the inside, and in moments afterward...let's just say i mindfucked my brains out. but then i reminded myself about those times that a good "fuck it" is all that's needed and i tried that on, and it worked for a little while...well, sort of...

and i think that's about it for today. i am dying to put up the quotes i harvested from paper towns, and i think i'll do that tomorrow because i've been thinking a lot about the things john green explores in that book and maybe it'll prompt something for me to write...or maybe not...who the hell knows?

Monday, December 29, 2008

short ramble

my nephews are here to stay with us for a few days, and there's still a number of things for me to get done...

i really need to start running again. it is kind of sad to barely have four miles for a month. and i definitely need to get on the treadmill, if for no other reason, than because i am at 199.1 miles for the year and with .9 miles to go to get it over 200, i find myself compelled.

i just finished paper towns, by john green. it was really, really good. john green is an awesome writer...he pulls from works he's read that have changed who he is or how he sees the world, and he's able to incorporate them into these amazing stories that he's made up...it's all quite intricate, yet he still reveals his theme brilliantly. i really, really liked it...i mean a lot. and it's young adult fiction, just fyi.

ok, really, that's about it. snort...ok, there's more, but that's all i'm getting into for now.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

wow, i needed that

well, that was a beautiful holiday. the kind where i don't really remember what physical gifts i got, because there were just too many gifts of the spirit. i cannot recall the last time i was so physically exhausted, either...

we drove into our hometown on christmas eve...went to mass with my family (who aren't the catholics, for those who are counting) and then went to my cousin's house. some things about that evening... first of all, we usually go to church with my family. but, because they aren't catholic, my husband, who was raised catholic, usually insists we attend a catholic mass at some point as well. which i think is...how shall we say?...overkill. i mean two church services on christmas eve? but, my mom has had some issues with her church the last few years, so we attended my aunt's church who is, jump for joy, catholic. so we only went once this year, which i personally loved.... then we went to my cousin's house. now, this was great fun because there are lots of babies in her family and my spouse and i held them...lots...very fun. but it was awkward because my cousin's husband let us know that she, in fact, was not planning on us coming and was, perhaps, a bit overwhelmed by our large numbers. which almost made me cry. but then, when i got home, i got the letter she'd written me for christmas and decided her spouse was just having a bad day and that the whole even was good, although we will work out the details a little differently next year. (and the details on getting there this year are just a story i don't feel like repeating, but i cannot thank my friends lana and julie enough for listening to my devastated, crying, broken heart the night before i left...thank you, mamas...)

christmas day was great fun with my spouse's family. again, more babies to hold, good food to be had, funny stories to hear...we caroled at the convent (and sucked, by the way...we couldn't even remember the words to "do you hear what i hear?"...thank god most of the nuns are deaf, but not all of them, and the ones who weren't were looking at us like they could've done a better job than we were doing...and they probably could've, but we had two flutes, a guitar, and a violin playing, and those guys didn't need the words...it probably would've sounded better if we would've just shut up and let it be instrumentals with lots of roadies or something...oh well, hindsight and all that) my spouse played a lot...like physically played...tennis, rip sticking (which is like skateboarding, but much harder, i think), running around, playing his flute....i think he needed to get his play on and it was good for him. his family likes to play more than i do, i guess. and i just had fun being a part of that family for awhile...it had been a long time. i let my guard down some, which can, in itself, (i mean the maintaining of the guard) be tiring. it was refreshing and i'm grateful for the time spent.

i also saw two movies yesterday...i haven't done that since i was a teenager. we took the kids to see despereaux and then the spouse and i went to see doubt. i really, really enjoyed both of them. but i also thought doubt was kind of brilliant. it made up for the lack of good church lately for me. i think it made my spouse kind of tense and then he just decided not to talk about it.

so i've enjoyed the holidays. it was kind of a negative build up, and perhaps anything would've been fantastic after that, but whatever the reasons, the holidays were great. i look forward to things returning to their pattern of normalcy, whenever and whatever that may be. but things are good here...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

holiday message

or the best i can do right now anyway...

when i was a kid, i really loved untangling my mother's necklaces. the more snarled, the better. it sooooooothed me. srsly. i think it gave me hope each time i pulled this ball of gold into three dainty little necklaces or whatever. it may have also given me the unreal expectation that with enough time and tenderness and patience, everything could be unsnarled into its whole, if not a little crimped up. maybe the expectation isn't completely unreal...but maybe not everything is meant to be unsnarled at once...i truly don't know right now.

i try not to be unreal in my expectations. i try to be tough. i can laugh with the best of them. like at church the other day...i mean, i don't know about you, but i go to church for a little light...or at least some directions to the switch, you know? but the priest at this church...he needs medication, i think. and, not that this means i'm right, but i'm not the only person who thinks this...and some of the folks who also think this...they're doctors. not that that means anything, i'm just saying... so church was a drag. depressing, really. this guy will look at us and tell us some terrible headline and then say, "what is this?....." and if you wait for some answer that brings light into it...well, you have a long wait. (and i've been catholic for ten years...i'm used to waiting and let me tell you, the light, even a little...it didn't come)

but i digress. i try to be tough. laugh at myself. try not to take myself so seriously. and i fail pretty miserably. maybe it's not who i'm meant to be? maybe i'm just not trying hard enough. i don't know. maybe sometimes the damned chains just want to stay snarled. i mean, i'll admit there were times i'd get stuff straightened out and it looked pretty awful...nothing my mother would put around her neck...more like something she'd take to the pawn shop. so maybe some of the snarls in my life are just more becoming as balls of stuff that don't resemble what they originally were and really aren't meant to ever go back to that original form anyway.

ok...so i'm getting ready for christmas. i think i've wrapped all i got. it was pretty slim this year. i'm getting a lot of flack about the perversion of christmas this year. yeah, i get it...commercialism, over consumerism, bladdy blah blah. but it's also fun to use this holiday as a reason to buy people you love stuff you'd never get them otherwise. i understand the whole "obligation buying" thing...yeah, it's a pain in the ass. but finances cut a lot of that out for me this time around. and these guys are killing my buzz. i meaning killing it...dead...and i'm getting kind of tense over it. (this is understatement...i threw a huge tantrum today that included no less that fifteen "fuck"s in it...it was not a proud moment for me...but they say confession is good for the soul and wine always makes confession a little easier)

i hope everyone has a good holiday. i had a great time exchanging gifts with my cyber tribe last night. again...great fun giving and receiving. those are some wonderful people...but frankly, this world is hugely populated with wonderful people...i bet i could name a hundred right now. if you don't know one...go out and meet someone...i bet they'll fall in that category if you're patient...and maybe even if you're not.

merry christmas, happy holidays, and

Monday, December 22, 2008


it has been awhile since i've seen this movie...and i really want to rent it again just so i can see it again (my memory gets a little holey)...but i've been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days.

i often think of life as being circles. yeah, yeah, thanks to harry chapan somewhat, i suppose. but i can see the circles sometimes...when one completes and another starts. lately, my sense has been that life is crashing in on itself right now. i see so many circles overlapping...and i can only step back so far...my eyes are only attuned to those i know closely and share with. it's been overwhelming almost to watch all the connections between lives...the lines of dominoes, so to speak, sharing a path, breaking off on their own... the line in this trailer about people craving human contact and crashing into each other to get it...that's what i mean.

there is so much more i'd like to write about. but there is so much i need to get done before i could even feel good about sitting and blogging more. i hope to have time tonight, though...

Saturday, December 20, 2008


it was a really busy weekend. full heart, full head...that kind of thing.

my sister graduated with her bachelor's in computer science thursday night. she is thirty. we don't do the "send your child to college and they'll work on just getting their education and maybe party a little" in my family. us kids feel the need to do other stuff besides just work on our education...most of it seems pretty stupid from a distance, but it really does turn us into fairly brilliant folks...snort. no really...it's all good. but it was awesome watching her walk the stage. i was really, really proud of her.

we had a grand dinner out afterward...sushi and saki. good god, my head hurt the whole next day. but we laughed so hard, my abs were sore that night and the next day. and it wasn't even the young folks making the ruckus...it was the old ones. man, those guys are hilarious...and nasty, too. i almost clamped my hand over my father's mouth at one point...sheesh. but it heals everything at least a little when you share that much fun and joy and humor...this much i know.

then...we surprised my sister with a party last night. now, let me explain...we do not do surprises in my family. no one likes them. it makes us feel kind of stupid...like everyone else was in on a joke we were left out of. there's lies and betrayal involved in surprising someone. and i suck at lying...i mean really REALLY suck at lying. so of course, i got to spend the whole day with my sister before her party yesterday. friends calling her, acting like they're at work, in their hometowns, etc...and i'm just looking out the window lest i smile and she figure out they're lying. she had no clue. she was so surprised. she contemplated...i could see it in her eyes...whether to kill us or love us. i think it took her about a half an hour to figure out which way she was going. she opted for happiness instead of homicide. it was good...

so once i carried my exhausted ass into my own bed last night, i was delirious with all the great stuff of the previous two days. it was awesome. now, i have to admit, there were other things of the weekend to chew on...a top to my bottom, so to speak...but right now, i am happy for my sister...happy she finished her degree...happy she has such a sweet girlfriend...happy she's had so many supporting her and loving her...and happy she decided not to kill us last night.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

it's the wine talking

so, i went to a christmas party for dh's work, department, whatever. sat at the end of the table with and older doc (who turned out to be the chairman of the department) and his wife and got morbidly intense over education, poverty, politics, and entitlement. but dh says no worries because the chairman has no sense of humor, is always morbidly intense, so i guess it wasn't just me! woo!

i was pretty pissed about tonight, though. dh had mentioned it a couple of times and had talked about putting it on my calendar, but, uh, well, never did. so when he called after work today (and after this thing had already started) to ask if i remembered, i was a little put out. but i sucked it up, vented to my cyber tribe (which always has the BEST STUFF to say, i have to tell you), and put on some make up and went. oh, and it was a wine tasting christmas thing, so that helped... now i'm home and waiting for ten o'clock to roll around...

but i wanted to put this mandela quote out here...

Only free men can negotiate; prisoners cannot enter into contracts. Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.

i think the dalai lama would be quite pleased with this statement. maybe mandela was a little buddhist, too? i think sometimes i get confused about the idea of dependence arising because i always think "dependent on what?" as though it would be dependent on some alien thing completely different from me or anything i could imagine. but this quote made me think about the inter-relatedness of things...which i am not sure if this is the same as dependence arising, but it sounds similar and that's what sparked my thoughts tonight. and i really loved the quote, too.

yes corey...i often think too much. i cannot tell you how much i loved you saying that today...dh was floored by how well you know me.

peace friends

praying and stuff

so the good meme was, well, good. that's the most euphoric pms week i've ever had...seriously. but i did crash a bit. and i've had some pretty sarcastic, angry, whiny, mopey-ish posts brewing the past couple of days, but i really think so much of life is about your perception, about your attitude that i just pushed through it, so to speak. and while those posts may have been funny, they just were at the expense of things i wasn't willing to sacrifice for a laugh.

my spouse and i were actually arguing about this the other day...about whether it's okay to hurt some one's feelings if they know you love them. as far as i can tell, he believes it's inevitable. so much so that, again, as far as i can tell, he doesn't do much to try to stop it. i understand people need to have trust...but what about earning it? i understand the value of a thick skin...but unless you're the one growing it, don't you run the risk of being a bully? and what about empathy? kindness? you know...stuff like that. i don't know...we didn't reach any major conclusions.

but i guess i throw this in for myself to illustrate that what i ask of myself and i also wish to see in those that are closest to me...and i wonder sometimes if my perception were different, if life would be a little different, too. (ha, the dalai lama has me thinking in something like circles, only not so pretty, eh?)

so here's a song i've heard a few times this week. i think i've posted it before and it still makes me cry, but it is one of my favorites...


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

still flying the good flag

ever try really hard to keep your good flag flying? then maybe it starts to fall over, and you got to get it up again? and you're wondering what it keeps leaning on that keeps moving that makes it all wobbly?... yeah, well, i know about that...

got cookies made yesterday and hung with mama friend and cool kiddos...gooooood.

christmas carolling practice again today...more gooood.

gingerbread house making afterward. now, my guys and i have never done this before. so it was pretty fun. i may do another at home so teenager might get a little more involved. youngest was cheering me on as i got the thing put together...fun times.

christmas party at the rock gym...more goodness.

times can be lonely, times can be tense...but i keep looking for good.

i do want to post a quote from the dalai lama's book on this post...he's moving to the dependent arising nature of things, and this is so simple, it goes way over my head...so....

"Because dependent and independent are a dichotomy, when you see that something cannot be independent or functioning under its own power, there is no other option but to see that it is dependent."

so i think i got that part...i think...i'm never too sure with the dalai lama, i have to admit. so then it talks about existence being dependent on different things...certain causes, its parts, and thought. so when he lost me...

"The 'I' definitely does exist, but when it exists yet cannot be found, we have to say that it arises in dependence upon thought. It cannot be posited any other way."

i mean, i see it a little...but then it disappears and i have no clue. i'm working on it...i'm working on it.

oh, and one more good thing...i was feeling a little lonely last night. i mean, i'd hung for hours with a friend...and had a really, really good time. but last night was a little wobbly...then i got three christmas cards from my cybermama tribe. it was the best universal hug...and they all sent pics of their kids! i'm running out of pics from this year, but i think if it's someone new to send a card to, i'll just send last year's pic because it was great fun to see every one's families.

and so ends today's ramble...

Monday, December 15, 2008

one good thing, day seven (a day late)

i didn't blog yesterday because i was too busy to sit down and blog.

we went to mass yesterday morning, which was good, because we haven't been in so long and i just always know it will be a better week if i've gone to mass.

we went to breakfast yesterday morning, which was very good...gordito pastor, thankyouverymuch...good stuff.

then my robotics team met and that was good, too.

then we went to a christmas party for second born's robotics team...that was really a lot of fun. and it wasn't just because of the martinis either... those are some fun parents. and the kids had a lot of fun, too. just running around and playing together.... and they're all pretty sweet (even though they are all male...) and take care of each other, which is even gooder, uhm, i mean better.

so it was raining good yesterday.

i thoroughly enjoyed doing this meme and will probably add it to my regular daily blogging just to keep it good...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

one good thing, day six

except for the you tube clip i posted earlier, the best i can do for today is to talk about the goodness of not feeling pukey anymore and the goodness of some time spent alone working through stuff.

yeah, there are other posts brewing, i suppose...but there's a whole lifetime for that stuff, right?


who's line is it anyway? clip

this made me cry i was laughing so hard. i love richard simmons and his ability to laugh at himself...and this show was one of my favorites. we used to watch the british (?) version that was on pbs way before drew carey started doing it...but both shows were hilarious...


Friday, December 12, 2008

one good thing, day five

ok, today's a little bit more challenging as i'm pretty sure i'm getting the puke bug my teenager had yesterday....so bear with me.

i got another long, wonderful head rub from second born son...

i had a long conversation with a mama friend this morning that was good...

my spouse is home and will be home most of the weekend. this is the best one of all.

and my youngest keeps giving me kisses and telling me he loves me (although, i do want to say, he was playing with the side of my stomach, what might be called a slight love handle, and telling me how much he loved my warm chubby parts...snicker)

it's a pretty good time when even on the sick days you're still feeling the good...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

one good thing, day four

ok, this is a good meme...it really does make a list of good things go through my mind, even on a day like today, where i might not be predisposed to look at it so.

i had to cancel the party for my robotics team tomorrow night because my teenager threw up this evening. but it is sort of a good thing because one of our teammates couldn't make the party tomorrow night, and it really will be better to have all of them there together.

we also got to have my nephew over for a couple of hours tonight, which was great fun, as usual. when my spouse and i sang "oo-ee-oo-ah-ah-ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang" to him tonight, he said, "that's one of my favorites"...and absolutely precious thing to hear from the mouth of a two and a half year old.

i've also been online most of today reading stephenie meyer's partial draft of midnight sun...that's been good.

and i got the teenager's room cleaned today...that was good. it was an organizational/decorating type cleaning, which is not his forte, but it got the room ready for next semester which has been a goal in the back of my mind for awhile. it worked out well that he was on the couch most of the afternoon, too.

so today was another good one. i'm grateful to mama jen for putting this meme out there. i am in such a great mood, despite the disappointment of cancelling the party tomorrow night. well, and the fact that christmas is coming and there's a little stress in that, but, again, thanks to my teenager's being sick, i seem to have a pretty clear weekend to get a lot done on that front, too.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

one good thing, day three

today's good thing, my sil's battery died. now, i realize this may not seem like a good thing right away. my spouse did stay home from work today, and that was good, too. because when sil called, the mister and i were able to go pick her up, take her to get our nephew, then go back to her car and jump it, then follow her to get a new battery where spouse helped her and i entertained nephew. it was really nice to be able to hang together, spouse and i, and help someone who we also happen to think the world of and enjoy hanging with.

my second born also rubbed my head for fifteen minutes....heaven.

i also covered the kids' windows with big blankets and that is very good because i think their room will be much warmer at night...that felt so good to get this one done....for me and for them, methinks.

and it snowed in lanatron's area of the world today...the idea of her kids seeing it snow made me very, very happy.

this is all really good stuff...

(i can't help but think in the back of my head that if this meme was about naming three things, i'd probably have a hard time thinking of one, but this is just how my brain works...always looking for how i need to step out of my box...oh well)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

one good thing, day two

funny thing...when you blog day one in the morning, and wait until day two evening to blog, you feel pretty sure you've missed a day somewhere in there...but apparently not.

my whole day was my good thing today. got my run in this morning. went to christmas carolling practice with my hs co-op group. went to lunch with the mamas (and our kids, but the bestest good part was hanging with the mamas). (it was extra good just to throw caution to the wind and just go pay for lunch and have a great time) then rock climbing, where the manager talked to me about teenager swapping volunteer hours for membership on their climbing team, which was good for teenager, but he still has to look at next semester to see if he really has time... home to clean up and put up lights, decorate the tree, yada yada... only not so good thing was dh is home sick...but he may take tomorrow off to heal, and i think that makes it a good thing in the end. so today...rampant goodness.

i have a blog about some insight into growing as parents that i talked to the-rapist about yesterday...but i told the story again today so i wouldn't forget it. so i think i can wait to blog it...mostly, i just don't want to forget it and putting it down in words will help.

oh, and for a bonus, one weird thing...dh drove home in frozen rain...how crazy is that in texas? it's like it's winter or something...i dunno...

Monday, December 8, 2008

one good thing meme, day one

got this from my friend, jen...

1. Post about something that made you happy today even if it's just a small thing and even if it's just a one-line post.
2. Do this everyday for a week without fail.

today, i went to counseling. i hadn't seen the-rapist in over a month. we laughed a lot. it was good and it definitely made me happy.

play along if you'd like. i think it's a good thing to do this season...


Sunday, December 7, 2008

another weekend

my robotics team attended their competition yesterday and did quite well. they placed in robot performance and research. it was a great experience for them, and i had a lot of fun, too. i was almost silly with the excitement of it all...

but today has been kind of a "coming down" we'll call it. there was a rule i misunderstood. and i bellied up and posted on the coach's group for clarification. i was directed to a forum that i knew about, and just didn't check before, where the clarification for that rule (and a lot of other rules we had been wondering about) was present. it's a frustrating moment to realize i could've coached them better if i would've stayed better informed and used all the avenues presented me... oh well. live and learn. and, as usual, there was A LOT of learning going on... (dying to type more self berate-ment, but willing myself to step away from the topic)

i don't know. sometimes it is just hard to do the right thing...and that may not prevent me from doing the right thing, but it does usually cause a fair amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth for some poor soul i am close to and comfortable enough to do it in front of...and that is something i have to work on. but how to channel all of that negative energy? or, i guess it doesn't even have to be negative...just all that damned energy that i have judged to be negative...where to start? changing the judgment?....

i know, i know...get my ass on the treadmill....


Friday, December 5, 2008

good vs. evil

here are the quotes i harvested from eldest, the second in the eragon series by christopher paolini...

"Even though we're linked, I can never predict what she's going to do. The more I learn about her, the more I realize how different we are."
Then Oromis made his first statement that Eragon though was truly wise: "Those whom we love are often the most alien to us."

I understand that I forced a defenseless baby to pursue a certain destiny without even giving her a choice in the matter. Can someone be truly good if they never have the opportunity to act badly? I made her a slave.

"You confuse the issue. All I wanted to know was the most useful tool a person can have, regardless of whether that person is good or evil. I agree that it's important to be of a virtuous nature, but I would also contend that if you had to choose between giving a man a noble disposition or teaching him to think clearly, you'd do better to teach him to think clearly. Too many problems in this world are caused by men with noble dispositions and clouded minds.
"History provides us with numerous examples of people who were convinced they were doing the right thing and committed terrible crimes because of it. Keep in mind, Eragon, that no one thinks of himself as a villain, and few make decisions they think are wrong. A person may dislike his choice, but he will stand by it because, even in the worst circumstances, he believes that it was the best option available to him at the time.
"On its own, being a decent person is no guarantee that you will act well, which brings us back to the one protection we have against demagogues, tricksters, and the madness of crowds, and our surest guide through the uncertain shoals of life: clear and reasoned thinking. Logic will never fail you, unless you're unaware of--or deliberately ignore--the consequences of your deeds."
[fyi, the question was what is the most important mental tool a person can possess]

i really, really liked that last one. i was driving around the other day, talking to my eldest about this series, and comparing it to star wars. how evil is always so much stronger than good in a almost every battle...it's like whoever represents good is usually lucky to escape alive...hand to hand, evil is so powerful. but i guess it's because of the unnatural way that evil gains that power...it is more potent at a moment, but almost always ends up consuming itself. good just has to hang on because it will always out survive evil...well, you know, if evil doesn't kill it first. which never happens...not in star wars, not in the lord of the rings, not in the bible, and i don't think it's going to happen in eragon either.

so, today's nelson mandela quote surprised me...

Communists have always played an active role in the fight by colonial countries for their freedom, because the short-term objects of Communism would always correspond with the long-term objects of freedom movements.

that's what i was thinking...but he's so much smarter than i am.

alright...it's the last day before our big robotics competition. my youngest was sick yesterday, so we'll see what kind of stamina we have for the long day ahead of us.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

just this

it is funny how a day can change so much. how so many surprises, and truths you knew deep down, burdens and gifts, pain and release can come about...and it can all be one thing or many...yet all these labels can still apply at the same time.

here's the harry chapin song going through my head today...


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

more from the heart

getting on the treadmill is one of the best things i do for myself, i think. and not just for the physical body that carries me around in a day, although she definitely appreciates it. but it's also great for the spirit inside the body... i guess, more accurately, it's one of the best places for them to meet and work together...well, if i don't push too hard. and after a month of not being on the treadmill, i wasn't looking to push too hard tonight.

i listened to the indigo girls tonight...1200 curfews. there's a song on there that i don't think they wrote, although the site i usually pull lyrics from is on sabbatical (which, as pete seeger says, will probably turn into a mondical and a tuesdical....). the song is called thin line and here's the best i can remember...

i thought the time was passed
for when i could find beauty in the world
i set the stage and the scenery
rehearsing every word

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

with my confidence on fire
i set to fixing up my role
my separation of desires
just left me deeper in the hole

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

now i'm trying to get back
what i know that i should be
hoping to god (oh, i was hoping i was just)
a temporary absentee

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

oh yeah, alright...

and without lifeblood.net, that's the best i can do.

this song strikes a chord with me...it always has. the chorus has always stood out, but the verses tonight were really clear as i ran, too. i have still been thinking about that diamond heart. i was talking to my friend lana last night, and the idea of a diamond core that can withstand all the things i'm so worried will shatter me came about. how i try to put this crappy armor around it, that is not meant to be there, and is not truly part of that core, and is easily injured, knocked down, defeated...but there i go, scurrying around trying to replace each lost piece with something else...all in the name of defense...trying to avoid pain...but stressed out the whole time because, if you had parents who spanked when you were a child...especially parents who used things like belts to spank with and were kind of ceremonious about it, like had you lay across a bed with your pants down, the damned anticipation of the blow can wreck you far more than the actual blow.

so, as i was running, i was trying to define some of these pieces of armor i attach to myself to try to ward off pain. what exactly are they? i didn't really come up with anything specific, but it made me think of an essay my friend patsy wrote when she was in college. she wrote an analogy between her life and a tapestry...yeah, like carole king. but patsy's essay was beautiful. she gave the colors of her tapestry feelings, emotions...loyalty, fear, love...all woven into the life that was hers. it was a long time ago, and that really is about all i remember of it, but it was beautiful, i do remember that.

i don't know exactly which parts of me are part of the core or not. i assume whatever part of me is compelled to construct these defenses is also a part of the core, so i don't know that any of it is "not real", if that makes sense. it's all me, i realize. (or i think i realize...i'm obviously making this up as i go...) but i did figure out this...there are times that i act as a friend out of a need to protect myself from the truth that i cannot be a perfect friend. that i am afraid of falling short, so i do things "to save my own ass." and as horrified as i might feel to realize it (and no, it's not the first time i've ever had this realization about myself), i have to know that those who love me either have no clue about this and will be repulsed when they find out (this is fear talking) or they probably already know i'm imperfect and are tired of having to avert their eyes kindly when my human hangs out (this is optimistically in the middle, i think).

this realization came, in part, because i try to give others permission to be human. i have always been the person that said "it's okay to fuck up...i'll still love you" because i do truly believe that we need love most when we least deserve it. (whatever deserve means...that's one i try to stay away from, but it's a quote, so i used it) but the realization came more fully because i have learned, over time, that i have limits. i have times that i have to step back and not be the one to give love...maybe just be the one to pray for peace...because my human can't stretch enough to be the lover, just the prayer. and in accepting this limit of mine, i have begun to see my own humanity a little more fully. and it occurred to me tonight, that in accepting myself more, in finding my core, letting her stand, that i am probably a better friend for it. i may not be as accommodating or outright supportive, but i am still loyal and passionate and believe deeply in each of us...i guess because like anne lamott said in those quotes i posted last night, we're each a mosaic tile of the One. and like alice walker said, but i'm going to paraphrase, we have to see ourselves reflected in each other...even those we don't think we're like or don't want to believe we even could be like.

ok...i anticipate more verbal vomiting along these lines...and while it feels weird to post something so raw, this is important stuff for me to work through. and after slogging through today, it feels so clean to be able to get a little of it out.

why don't i remember how good running is for me?...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

listening to your heart

this is a long one...

so here's today's nelson mandela quote

We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.

i really like that one.

yesterday, as i was driving around after i realized i was not going to be counseled, i was thinking about the things i was hoping to talk to the-rapist about. mostly, like i said, i was looking for communication help... i have realized how defensive i get when i am communicating with, oh, say, my spouse or someone like that...snort. so while i was driving, i was thinking, as i have been often lately, about what, exactly, i am defending. it seems like sometimes i am defending things that later turn out to be, oh, what's the word? stupid? unnecessary? kind of ridiculous? or at the very least not near worth the battle i was putting up defending them...

i've been playing with this idea for awhile...and it was in eldest a little, too. eragon can't open his mind to perceive the presence, and yes, potential malice, of those around him if he keeps his mind shut against everyone and everything to protect it. anyway...the image of a self inside, a self that was strong, which morphed into a diamond self came into my mind. which, of course, reminded me of the essay called diamond heart by anne lamott. (following me here?...hehe)

so here are the parts i liked a lot from diamond heart. i admit i was not a close cropper in harvesting these quotes...the essay kind of rambles, which is how i am feeling right now...this is an essay about her son, sam, who is a teenager...

I rest in silence and music and long strides, while Sam rests in noise and motion.

When he was two, being awful and destructive on every level of his pitiful, loathsome, poopy existence, I told my friend Pammy, calmly, "He's a bad person. He's already ruined."
Pammy said something that I have clung to like the last heel of bread: "Sam has a deep core of sweetness within him." She was right. He's deeply compassionate, and fair, but he also loves knives, and air-soft guns, and paintball guns, and Ninja blades, and violence.

He exerts tremendous energy, and it builds up and he sends it forth with his tools, his swords. It's art, it's an installation, it's the American way: "We're big and strong and male, and this thing is about to get seriously small, and be in shreds, because I am about to heavily fuck with it." He finds where something has a weak spot, picks up a branch, and jabs it, like a physical yell.

He is an exact person, as we all are, even though I sense that there is only one of us, that we are mosaic chips of that One.

My friend said our hearts are like diamonds because they have the capacity to express divine light, which is love; we not only are portals for this love, but are made of it. She said we are made of light, our hearts faceted and shining, and I believe this, to a point: I disagree with her saying we are beings of light wrapped in bodies that merely seem dense and ponderous, yet actually are made of atoms and molecules, with infinite space and light between them. It must be easy for her to believe this, as she is thin, and does not have children. But I can meet her halfway: I think we are diamond hearts, wrapped in meatballs.

You have to contain children, or you ruin them, and no one will ever want you to come visit. But children go ballistic when their unfettered spirits feel constricted and picked on by horrible you. They like you less, but if you don't do it, they feel wounded.

It's a mixed grill of sweet and nourishing and intolerable, like life. You and your bright, bonny child walk hand in hand to the park, and then, while sitting on a bench, you see his delight in hurting another kid. Kids go right for the vulnerability in other kids, ganging up on the weakest, ditching, or snatching things away. Life is not what one had in mind. It's punishing. It makes you want to punish back.

Maybe this is what grace is, the unseen sounds that make you look up.

Without all the shade and shadows, you'd miss the beauty of the veil. The shadow is always there, and if you don't remember it, when it falls on you and your life again, you're plunged into darkness. Shadows make the light show. Without shadows, we'd see only what a friend of mine refers to as "all that goddamn light."

i like that. it makes my image all the better...because i didn't want to focus on the hardness of diamonds in my mind's eye. the portals for light was a great addition, a much needed facet. i was going to write a post today called the presents of presence and talk about how all of these great people wash through my day in ways i'm sure they have no idea they've left themselves. phrases i use, a phone call made, an email, too many ways to name. but then anne lamott dropped by my mind in a diamond image and, well, the image became clearer.

it doesn't mean i don't still have instincts to defend myself...i do. but i just think, "how silly...what i defend is a lot stronger than what i have to defend it with...so what am i accomplishing exactly?"

Monday, December 1, 2008

made it through

for now anyway...

it was alright, even though i didn't get counseled today. hoperadio gave me a call and we laughed and were generally miserable together, which is great fun when you can do it in a humorous way...which is a highly underrated talent, by the way, but one that, thank god, we both possess.

and then i spent the evening with my robotics team. i don't believe i have mentioned here that our competition is this saturday. and i'm not really good with competition. like, i think everyone should get a prize just for showing up and trying. and it's really kind of funny because my co-coach is pretty comfortable competing. she's a pusher. and that's fine. sometimes we need pushers...i know this. but this whole week before competition/trying to pull it all together/let's try not to forget where our happy place is is kind of frying my nerves a little. i mean, i'm sure i'll make it through. and my teenager is starting to talk to me about this stuff...and listen to me too. so hopefully i won't corrupt him too much...i don't know.

ok, now, i had one more quote from eragon i wanted to put here...it's from brom again.

"Keep in mind that may people have died for their beliefs; it's actually quite common. The real courage is in living and suffering for what you believe."

i'm almost finished with eldest. and while i really love this book, harvesting quotes from it isn't as easy. so i'll save them for when i'm finished.

now i must go work on the poster for my robotics team. and i suppose i should also throw together some cookies for the end of semester shindig my cooperative effort is giving itself tomorrow. thank god i got all the stuff i needed for that event ready last week, which is very unusual for me to be ready ahead of time, but enough of a delight that i may actually attempt this again another time....if i can remember.
peace out

a new month!

which means my long assed list of blogs for november disappears...i love this. it is so tidy. i think this is how life should be, sort of. december first...all the november bullshit gets put away...

i have had a bit of disappointment today...the-rapist cancelled on me. it had been a month, hello? but she had a friend die and needed to attend the funeral. i can be understanding about this, i swear i can be. but you know that inner two year old i talk about sometimes? yeah, well, i'm trying to ignore her. but two year olds get so fucking loud when you ignore them...

i did talk to my sister today. and that was lovely. i was missing her, but now i'm not.

i don't know how this day is going to go...i really was looking forward to getting counseled today. i was going to ask advice on communication...anyone got any worth sharing? how to do it? how to make it better? how to make it a little less like slamming your head against the proverbial brick wall?...which is no softer, for the record, just because it's proverbial.

ok, i am tired. i need to go have some caffeine today. i think i'll be back later to post...yes, yes, already cluttering up the december blog list...