Tuesday, May 25, 2010


i have a headache. right between the eyes. making my eyes sooooo sleeeepy...

it was a rough day. my baby girl visited the doctor. i really love our family practice doc. she's really laid back...just a nice, matter of fact, not much bs kind of woman. the fact that she has four children and a spouse who is also a doc may have a little tiny bit to do with it, but who knows? anyway, i got to hear all about how beautiful baby girl is, how great she's growing. as a bonus, the nurse we had has worked with my spouse in ob/gyn/oncology, so i also got to hear how wonderful he is, how wonderful he is with his patients, how well he listens to them, how pleasant he is to work with...and i was pretty damned gracious about all of this, ifidosaysomyself. and i do. and it's not that it's hard to be gracious when hearing lovely things about my spouse. it's that it's hard to be gracious when i woke to no coffee in the house, and it was already 10:55 and i was still on no caffeine, had a pounding headache, and knew my baby girl was slated to receive some shots, which makes me anxious and just a little grumpy to start with. the nurse kept saying how beautiful my baby was, and how MUCH she looked JUST LIKE her dad. in my headache-y state, it kind of felt, just a teensy bit, like she was saying i wasn't much to look at. but i'm sure that's not what she meant. anyway...it was all very sweet and great. until it was time for shots. then it all just went to shit. baby girl cried. and it wasn't an "ow that hurt" kind of cry. seriously, it was a heartbroken "that bitch did that ON PURPOSE" kind of cry. she was really offended by the whole deal. the second shot just added insult to injury...it was heartbreaking, for real.

so as i was driving home, all jiggly inside with sadness and guilt, my oldest son's chemistry (teacher? mama? what to call her....) instructor called. she was letting me know we could move up the chemistry time today so he could go to this birthday outing that was slated to begin when chemistry would normally begin. and i was all jiggly inside already (with the sadness and guilt), but now there was gratitude and humility involved. so i called the kids and told the two bigs to get ready so i could take them, the oldest to chemistry and the second born to the house where the outing would begin. i got home with baby girl totally crapped out in her car seat, ran inside and got the bigs, to find my oldest visibly in a grumpy mood. shoulders slumped, eyebrows furrowed, eyes dark, mouth set. i asked him what was up, and he said "i've just been in this awful, angry, bad mood for a few days. i don't know what's up...but i hate it." so in my hurryingness, i just got everyone in the car, kissed the two littles (they're littles, but big enough to be home on their own for an hour or so), and we took off.

i started asking the oldest what was going on. we talked a bit. i really couldn't intuit anything actually going on, so we talked about hormones and i told him when he's just hormonal (meaning if you can't figure anything else out going on specifically and you happen to know it's a time in your life when hormones can be working their magic, like say, oh, maybe at fifteen/almost sixteen) that he doesn't have to "own" those emotions...he just has to get through them without doing any damage. i mean, this has been my mantra for most of my menstruating and pregnant and nursing years. so i thought i'd pass it along. the three of us (who were awake) prayed together. this is something i've been meaning to do more of with my kids...pray together...especially when there's really nothing else to do and words don't seem so important either. so we prayed. and then i took him to chemistry. i hugged him in the car, and he kind of surrendered for a minute, let a few tears fall, and then got it together and went on to chemistry. then i took the second born to his destination, talked to the mom there about maybe keeping an eye (and a little heart) on the oldest while they were birthdaying, and got in my car an extremely jiggly mess...the previously mentioned sadness and guilt still brewing, steeping with the gratitude and humility, and now with a little concern and vulnerability added. so i did what any woman would do in this situation (well, if they were me, you know) and i called my sister.

have i ever mentioned how much my sister rocks? how much she is a piece of my soul outside of my body? so we laughed, i cried a little, and i ordered sonic. and then she suggested maybe i was going to get my period. ha! i haven't started having periods since baby girl was born. and even though my sister's never had a baby (she's never even had sex to be honest...well, i mean intercourse...she figured out she was a lesbian way before most, i think), i have to say, i think she was right on the money. i sure feel like this could be pms. she's so smart.

so i took care of myself today...tried to be gentle with me. i did call and talk to my oldest after chemistry and he seemed in a better place. and i also bought lots of dark chocolate. and some diet dr. pepper. i'm not so into artificial sweeteners, but i wanted caffeine and hey, diet dr. pepper really does taste more like real dr. pepper.

so tonight was good. we're not getting much school work done this week, but i'm okay with that. tomorrow was the day i was going to do this big push for school work. and i will, probably. but i also scheduled us to hang with some friends for a couple of hours. you know, just to break things up a bit. and there is always next week. but for now, everyone seems in a pretty good place. and that's what i want. my little mantra, "everything i need right now, i have" is working for me. it's true. and for that, i am grateful.


Monday, May 24, 2010


i am tired tonight. worn out. all used up. but in a good way.

i took care of my nephew today. actually, my kids mostly took care of him. it was what he needed and i think it was what they needed too. and i was happy to facilitate that. cute story from today...nephew and my youngest were all decked out in dress up clothes...nephew was wearing a bright orange ball cap and a bandana, western vest and a hawaiian lei. youngest had on a bandana around his head all ninja style and a silver knight's cape. they had been playing under the dining room table, and nephew told me, "our fwiends are coming to live with us...we have to look ouw best." loved it.

i talked to my sil today. there's some rage in that house. but i firmly believe there is more love than rage. sometimes they spill over and it gets kind of messy, but i know the love will win out. she was talking to me about some stuff. and we just took it bit by bit. it was good. one of my nephews, he's sixteen, called her an effin' b. but i saw it in my head as an f.n.b. this was hilarious to me in a way i can't explain to completely explain the hilarity, but i'll try a little by mentioning one of our banks has the initials s.n.b. probably doesn't capture it fully, but it was funny to me. (and no, he didn't actually call her an effin' b...he called her a fucking bitch...but if you can find some light in the dark, why turn away from it?) anyway...we talked through it, an i really think they're working through stuff. if nothing else, they are trying hard and really, what else can we do?

then i talked to another friend. her brother died this past week. she worked through a little rage. just a little. mostly she talked about homeschooling. she just finished her first year of homeschooling, so this is appropriate use of a diversion in my book. so we talked. back and forth. luckily, my brain is pretty flighty to begin with, so it wasn't too hard to keep up with the switches in conversation. and really, all i wanted her to know is that i love her and i'm here to listen to whatever she wants to talk about. i really do love her. and i'm grateful for her friendship. and this was the best way i knew to honor that.

i also talked to another friend somewhere in all of that today. she's got some of her own excitement brewing. in many different aspects of her life. and i love her more than i can express. she's definitely a soul sister to me.

and i sent some prayer flags for my friend battling (more like KICKING THE ASS OF) metastatic melanoma. ok, i don't know that kicking the ass of is the appropriate expression, but i've been dying to scream it out loud, and while typing in all caps was a poor substitute, it'll do for now in this quiet homeschooling life of mine...snort. but we loved making the flags. i don't know why we don't do it for everyone we know. it's a fabulous idea, if you ask me, and i am going to try to remember it. you know, like tomorrow...

so i feel like a tissue all wadded up with peoples' tears and snot and whatnot. but those are sacred tears...sacred snot....sacred whatnot. a baptism of sorts.


Friday, May 21, 2010


nice title? if one person reads that and remembers they aren't alone, then my work is done.

but as i do so often, i'm not going to stop there...snort

i get so bogged down sometimes in trying to make my life "work"...for me, for all those i am responsible for...just trying to get it all done. and i'm not talking about manicures or pedicures and haircuts and matching clothes and crap like that. i'm talking about paying bills on time (or close enough) and making sure animals are fed (dead animals from starvation just sounds like a total buzzkill) and clothes and diapers are washed ('nuff said on that one, i'm sure).

now let me be clear, i'm not knocking manicures and pedicures and haircuts and matching clothes. i look forward to returning to the time in my life where my nails aren't constantly snagging on stuff, my toenails aren't always chipped, i can wear a hairstyle more than a ponytail, and, well, i think my clothes match, but who knows? i'm just not there right now. i truly forgot how exhausting having a baby is...i don't think it was this exhausting before. but then i didn't have so many places to get kids to in a week, an electric guitar playing the background music i did not choose for my life, and when it's not the electric guitar, it's a piano pounding.

my kids are actually pretty good musicians. it just all sounds like pounding at the end of the day. well, at sometimes by the middle.

but i get so overwhelmed by trying to make my life work. and there is a lot of work to be done in my life. but i do forget that i'm not the only one trying to do this. and that i'm not the only one working on the things that are important to me. and my friend jeanni will understand when i say that i forget that i am an instrument of a peace that doesn't originate in me, but works through me. and when i forget that, i wear myself out.

last night i called my friend. i hadn't called much lately and when i had, i felt like i had not been a very good friend...like i just didn't have much to offer. but i called and i listened to the things going on in her life and it filled me up. i mean, i did share stuff going on in my life, but it felt so good to listen to her and think about how much i care about her and her family, and just share that. because life is meant to be shared. not lived in isolation. at least for me this is true. so i have to remember i'm not alone. it makes my load easier to bear and gives me a light in my life that i can't provide hunkered down on my own.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010


i had some anxiety last night. i don't know why it gets so bad...maybe read the previous post for some understanding...maybe i'll go back and read it so i'm not always figuring out the same shit over and over ("oh yeah! i knew that!!!"). it was hard to fall asleep, but i have to say, my spouse was pretty sweet about the whole deal, so it wasn't tooooooo bad.

everything is just in this weird state of flux....continuous change...and while i realize things are supposed to be in a state of flux, i was under the impression that hit was a more mellow pace...a little more gradual. but lately? not so much. and i'm tired trying to keep up with it. trying to keep on top of it. or at least alongside it. and while surrender comes to mind, i can't completely surrender. i must pay bills. i must buy groceries to have food in the house. i must cook meals if we are to eat...or at least plan them. i must get up each morning or else...i don't know...maybe we'll just skip a day this week and not get up. oh wait, i did that last sunday when i slept til noon (hey, the baby slept in with me til noon, too...lol).

there are just so many things out there that are kind of crappy right now...and i wish those things would get on the super flux wagon, you know? my sil's still are on the outs with each other...i wish that healing would go faster. same thing with a friend of mine and her sister...i wish her sister would get on the super flux wagon with a change of attitude and heart and all that good stuff. my friend jeanni's in the hospital with her third round of biochemo...now THERE'S something that could use some positive super flux. my friend marcy's brother died last friday...i hope there's some super flux in healing for that family...i can't imagine that pain. even my cyber tribe is having some super flux...and i wish that would settle, even though that is just one thing i could've skipped fluxing, to be honest. but everything changes....i know this. my spouse's paycheck...oh please, come on super flux!!! i am tired of stressing over money. i know we made this choice. and we're doing what we need to do, but sheesh, it's so tiring to always have money in the back of your mind. my brother's ex-girlfriend is preggo with his baby...now, i have no idea how things need to flux, but they need to.

i am hoping to go camping weekend after next. i need to get out of my house for a few days.

oh, but let me share this super cool story first... when i go outside at night, to relax and reflect and pray on the day, i always have it in back of my mind that a shooting star would be a really cool way to know god's listening...or here...or whatever. i mean, if i were god, i'd probably be shooting stars all over the place to let people know i was hearing them...but that's probably one of the million reasons i'm not god. anyway...i was outside two nights ago. my husband and oldest son had a big fight that night over the stupidest thing...well, not exactly the stupidest, but pretty dumb stuff. men just need to learn how to express themselves, but that's a whole different post. things had settled, they had reached a place of some peace, everyone felt good (if not a little raw after it all). i went outside and thought i saw an airplane in the sky between two trees. i remember i even contemplated that maybe it was a ufo...because i had seen a light and then the light was gone. kind of weird. up until the light reappeared in a different place in my yard...it was a firefly! i love fireflies and anytime i see one, i feel like i'm seeing a dinosaur or something, because where there used to be tons of them in my backyard as a child, i can't think of a time i saw two in one spot in a long time. so anyway, i'm watching this firefly. he comes a little closer. flies around me. finally gets a big smile out of me because the little thing just keeps lighting up right around me. then it lands on me, and i almost start bawling. it was awesome. like god reached a hand out and touched my arm. very comforting.

does that heal jeanni's cancer? does it heal the pain between sisters i love a lot? does it bring peace to the cybertribe? fix our money problems? give my brother some more i.q. points so he can handle this situation he's in? nope. but it helps me relax and get through the next day...and maybe the next. see, i'm kind of finished with the notion that peace will come. i believe peace is already here. we just have to work through our shit so we can feel what's already there. so...i better get to work...


Sunday, May 9, 2010

heart squeezing

and some gut squeezing, too...

it's just been a crazy 2010. i'm just going to call it that (yes, i know it's may) because this way, i will continue to expect craziness, lose the expectation that i've somehow reached the pinnacle of the craziness, and stop being so winded when things just keep unraveling. i'm typing this with a bit of courage, because i'm not trying to get the place where i lose the expectation for normalcy...i'm there. and it's okay. i've learned in little situations here and there how it can free you to let go of expectations. and i appreciated those lessons. and now, for whatever reason, it seems to be a time to do a little of what we homeschoolers call "drill and kill." rapid fire situations that remind me of yeats' poem the second coming...that spinning gyre, things falling apart, the center cannot hold and all that rot. i don't mean to make it sound like the whole year has gone to hell in a hand basket (frankly, i still don't have a concept of hell in my worldview...well, not yet anyway...hehe). there have been many moments of beauty in this craziness...moments i might not have noticed if i still had my fingers nicely and tightly cramped around a sense of normalcy...whatever the hell normal is anyway. (remember that phrase "the new normal"?...yeah...i'm done with that phrase.) so yes, i will admit there's been much heart squeezing and gut squeezing. i'm wiped out from it all, to tell the truth. but i've also learned that life goes on even when i feel wiped out. and that i can function so much further out of my comfort zone than i ever thought. honestly, i can't even remember where my comfort zone was at the start of this year...