Tuesday, September 1, 2009

and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...