something different for a minute...

so i've had babies on the brain pretty much continuously for the past few weeks. i think this is understandable. but something else i've had on the brain that i don't think i've blogged about is having high schoolers on the brain.

my teen decided to join the high school youth group at our church this year. he really likes music and the music the youth minister plays at the teen mass has really drawn my oldest in, so he was ready to make a commitment. i have struggled for awhile with how to handle my children's religious upbringing...i know when i baptized them i promised to raise them catholic and i believe i have. but i think i've said before, my favorite quote about religion is about preaching the gospel everyday, and using words when you have to. so i have not ever made my kids go to religious education classes. my oldest went when we lived in the same town as our families because his cousins went and it was fun to do stuff with the cousins. but once we moved, they never had any interest and i never pushed.

well, this year, as my teen decided to try out the high school youth group, my two middle kids also decided they were ready to take their first communion. now, i can be a rebel and such, but i wasn't exactly ready to just let them start taking communion. so i explained that they'd have to start taking classes and learn about the sacrament before they could do it...much like taking driver's ed before learning to drive. could they learn without the class? sure. but it's just better to take the class and we can work on it at home, too. turns out the religious ed director decided as a hsing family, it would be ideal for them to join their normal religious ed classes with their peers and i could do the reconciliation/communion education at home (these two sacraments go together...kind of like washing your hands before you eat in a spiritual way). so now they all go to religious ed classes (because you know, the littlest does not like being left out of stuff these days...well, the littlest for the next few weeks, right?). it's been a big adjustment and it's added a lot to our schedule, but it's also added a lot to our family life as well as to the community that is supporting us. and that's been an awesome thing.

but this doesn't go very far in explaining why i have high schoolers on the brain, does it?

right when my son decided to join the high school group, the youth minister made an announcement during mass that the high school group was very short on adult women volunteers for small group leaders and anyone able to help out should talk to him. now, i was seven, almost eight months pregnant at the time. but i knew the youth minister because i coached his son on the robotics team i co-coached last season (oy, we all remember that, right? :) ). and i really liked the whole family. and i felt a pull to volunteer. but i did not let myself rush off and jump into something i would not be able to handle or complete. i thought about it for awhile...why i felt pulled, if and how i could make it work, etc.

i think the main reason i felt pulled to do this was because i have a high schooler in my house. and more on the way. my second born will be twelve in just over two months...and that's only a year away from the big "T", you know? so i felt like i needed to make some peace with teens...spend some more time with them and get to know them. and seriously, what better place to do that than at church? with other adults there to guide and support and pray for these kids (and ourselves, i admit...we do often add ourselves to our intentions when we pray for these kiddos...that we're able to be true instruments of peace for them). it's awkward sometimes, walking into that room of high schoolers. i can't deny, it calls to mind all my own high school angst and weirdness and shyness and anxieties. weird, huh? i've only recently really started talking to them. i just watched them for the first month. they're really quite beautiful, under all that make up and funky hair and loud, tight, "just so" clothes. even under some of their scowls. they are so sincere when you listen to them...homework really is one of their biggest concerns and it really is a challenge to get it all done and still do the things they enjoy. they are still young enough to make silly jokes and get excited about music and sports and books and let it show in such an open way. but they're also getting older...developing their convictions...taking responsibility for their futures. i think i knew all of this intellectually. but it's been a whole 'nother ball game experiencing it first hand. and it's been incredible.

so i spend a lot of time praying for these teens in my small group. we wade through discussions of difficult and sometimes awkward topics...i can tell they're wondering if i'm going to tell their parents what they say or if i am judging them by what they say. so i try to offer some of myself...enough to get the ball rolling but not so much as to overwhelm them. lol this is not always an easy balance to find. but i think sometimes we're kind of proud of the stuff we come up with as a group. well, at least i'm proud of them for what they offer and share.

so that's why i've had teens on the brain. it's been awesome to see my oldest interact with the kids in this group...and with the adults. it's been awesome just getting to spend time with and develop a true respect for these guys at this amazingly pivotal time in their lives. i don't think our culture does a great job of supporting them through this transition, but rather than sit bitching on the sidelines, i'm glad i took the chance and got in the game. i am sure i will learn a lot, and that always involves making mistakes, but why should i expect my life to be any different from theirs?

peace

winding down...

so, today is 38 weeks...can you believe i've been doing this pregnant thing for THIRTY-EIGHT weeks? i can't... i am rolling along fine...dilating a few here...effacing some there...and now my spouse is finished working his month of nights, so i'm thinking i might be able to relax some and get this thing started soon...but who knows?

so here are some belly shots...i've been promising my mama tribe. i did these last week, but, as i think you can tell by the concentration it took just to get the shots in my bathroom mirror, i am a total novice at this. (oh, and my shirt is not dirty...the kids' bathroom mirror is dirty...see? i didn't even think to clean it off before i started this...) i did a couple with my shirt down, and a couple with my shirt up. my husband swears i still don't look pregnant from behind, but whatever... :)



yeah, so by that last one, i realized i could actually look at the mirror and get a face shot in there...not that that's exactly the face i would've chosen, but i just wasn't about to try to redo these. (oh bonnie, where are you when i need you?...)

the baby's going to be a pumpkin for halloween tomorrow, so i'll get my spouse to take some pics of that, along with all the other kids, and maybe i'll get those posted before thanksgiving...hehe. actually, i've been having some pretty intense abdominal muscle pain and now have to take it easy as much as possible, so i'll probably get them posted next week since sitting at the computer does not constitute overdoing it.

ok, well, there are things to think over...and i'm sure i'll get around to those...but for today, pictures is enough.

peace out

hi

wow, long time no write, eh? i think it started with computer issues...viruses and stuff...and eventually, i just never got back into the habit of blogging. i still blog in my head often, but nothing i actually feel compelled to type out. well, there was one the other day, but i can't remember how i started it...and i'm kind of bummed about that. i'm sure it'll come back to me eventually.

i'll be 38 weeks pregnant friday. crazy, huh? i took some pics of my belly i'll upload soon...like hopefully before the baby gets here. i'm contracting lots...have been off and on since last friday or so. i had a very uncomfortable night last night, but a warm shower and reading til the cramp (that's what i'm calling it for now) worked itself out. i've taken it a lot easier today. and my spouse ends his month of nights on thursday night, so it'll be nice to have my partner here when shit like that happens...and not have to page him and wait for him to be finished helping pregnant women NOT carrying his baby...not that i'm bitter, hehe.

but what prompted me to blog was earlier tonight. my three younger sons are in cce (which no catholic i know can tell me what exactly that stands for...catholic catechism education is the most reasonable thing i've heard, but i'm not 100% on that) and cce is wednesday nights. my spouse leaves for work after i leave to take the kids, so it's just me and the teenager (his high school religious group thingie is on sunday night) for an hour or more. tonight i asked him to go with me to drop off, so he could walk the kids up and i could just sit in the car. watching my four sons walk up to the religious ed building, all grouped together, all so much taller than the last time i watched all four of them walk together, some so much more broad...it was wild...just wild. amazing. joyous and nostalgic and incredible and humbling.

and that's all i have time for because now i need to drive him to go pick up those same guys.

peace

and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

busy week

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

looking ahead

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

sick

just a quick update...i have been sick since saturday night. and it sucks. started in my throat, then took over my head and face and neck, then just kind of hung out all over there for a day, now my throat is all phlegmy and hurts and i sound like a boy going through puberty. i'm also pretty tired, but i am getting some energy back today, i think. spent all of sunday in bed, though. can't remember the last time i did that.

so life goes on and there's lots everyone's going through, but it's funny how being sick can just kind of push all of that to the proverbial backburner. i mean, you've still got to deal with it in the moment, but process it too? nah. save it for a rainy day, right?

peace