Thursday, January 31, 2008

wanting to be a yogi, but just being me

i am remembering the pictures of me in elementary school...after i knocked my front teeth out on the monkey bars. i was executing a rather daring flip, it was very fast, but the bar was too thick and i lost my grip. i plowed, face first into the gravel that, for some reason, my school had placed below the monkey bars. maybe to make our landings softer? i don't know, but if so, it didn't work. it was hard and it hurt. and it knocked out my two front teeth. which i never found and that's when i figured out the tooth fairy probably wasn't real, because while i knew she was magic, i just didn't think she would've left me money when there weren't any teeth under my pillow, just a note from my mom. that seemed like something my mom would do, not the tooth fairy, but i digress... my elementary school pictures i smile big and there are two huge knots in my gum line on the top. it looks kind of painful, to be honest. my front teeth are quite large, and they looked freaking abnormally huge trying to push through my gums. maybe it always looked that way, but once my teeth were no longer providing a little diversion, just wasn't very pretty.

but the kind of remarkable thing is that i smiled hugely in all those pictures. no hiding my smile for this girlie. never even crossed my mind (well, does NOW...i find myself wishing someone had told me to smile without opening lips sometimes...i know, i know, shame on me)

sigh, this one is taking a long time. anyway...i am proud of that person who smiled with those huge protruding teeth under my gums. (i know, i know, i ALSO need to scan a picture...we'll see...) i was clueless and it showed and i am so impressed it's ME....i like that about me. (even though i don't often show this side of me to myself...)

(all this to say....)

i've been doing yoga. i want to do yoga and be strong and healthy. i also want to do yoga and look like all those women in the yoga videos...graceful, pretty, peaceful... they NEVER stand up and grab their back because it hurts. they never sit on their legs and then jump up because they forgot how badly that hurts... they never just stare at the camera like they're about to die because their neck is throbbing from the stretches they just did. and why don't their necks ever crack when they stretch them? i try to go slowly...but it ALWAYS pops... i don't get it. there was one time i forgot to take my socks off and that was a very difficult half hour. (and it wasn't until i was getting in the shower that it occurred to me it was my socks that made all those modified downward dog positions so damned hard...hey, i have a lot on my mind, ok? even when i'm doing yoga, apparrently)

so i was a little disheartened today. because my back hurts and my neck hurts and it's because i'm doing YOGA and trying to be all peaceful and enlightened and really i just feel kind of stupid. because i have kids and things to do and a marathon to train for and do i really have time to be doing this thing that is causing me pain? even if i'm doing it because i think it will eventually be good for me?... but then i remember that i have to be patient, i'm just learning this. that i'm holding my body differently. becoming aware of things that i haven't thought about my posture, how i'm breathing, where are my ribs at right now?...and while that may sound easy, like stuff a baby could do without thinking for instance, it's not. well, at least not for me. and i'm tired of being self conscious. and i'm tired of feeling stupid for being who i am.

i am clumsy. i am often uncoordinated...i was on dance team all through high school and had to run through routines twice as much as the other girls because my brain just needed the extra practice to control these limbs. i slouch. i complain a lot in my head and way too much of it comes out of my mouth. i think amazing thoughts about how wonderful people are and say way too little of it. my butt is big even though i wear big pants and everyone says i'm skinny...i'm really not. my belly could easily pass for four or five months pregnant. (remember, i've had four children...four or five months is SIGNIFICANT showage for me...) i forget things that are important to me. yeah, and i remember stuff i shouldn' least it sure is not helping me to remember it. i don't do the things i know i should do...often.

but this week...i'm doing yoga. and i'm smiling a big, goofy smile while i do it. (and i'm grabbing my back and popping a few motrin, too...because i just can't have it all my way...and that's ok. least a little. for now...)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

finding our middle

so....i saw a counselor yesterday. it's funny...when i thought i might have breast cancer over a year ago, i called the mammogram place immediately and the soonest they could get me in was two weeks. i dragged my feet for a week on calling a counselor, finally did it last friday right before close of business, and she just happened to have an opening this monday first thing in the morning. funny how that worked...

i liked her. she was clear, pretty direct, a good listener. yeah, i know...she's a counselor...for the love of god, she better be these things!!! yeah, well, she was...

and it's funny to me how this seems to have affected my whole house that i did this. the kids don't know where i went yesterday...just that i had an appointment. they didn't ask anymore about it, which i tend to think is because they're boys, but maybe not.... yet, the house seemed a little more tentative, sensitive... but not in a bad way. my spouse was definitely feeling differently. but again, not in a bad way. i mean, it could be that i was the one feeling differently and nothing more. and while i am sure i was feeling differently, i think there was more to it as well.

see, a friend told me that when you get help for something you've been carrying around for awhile, that it changes the balance in your close relationships...changes the dynamic. and while sometimes i may feel like a dynamic in my marriage needs to change...the not knowing how it could change can get scary and sometimes cause me to hang on to what i already know (and NOT make the change...if you're following my rationale here). it's a funky little dance...and how i move is based on how brave i'm feeling, how confident, and how much faith i have in my tank...

a small aside...the night before i went to the counselor, i reread my last post on yesterday there was one of those funny-God-moments when i was talking about parenting a teen and she said, (basically), "it's different when they're two and we're pulling them out of the street for their safety than when they're thirteen and we're showing them acceptable ways to handle their anger...but that's for their safety, too, because there are a lot of unhealthy ways of stifling anger in our culture..." uh, yeah, i was impressed in some way i'm not even sure i understand right now....

so my family is still moving forward. it's just that we're just taking our steps a little smaller, a little when you walk to your bed at night, in the dark, and you can't remember if the kids put the legos away when you asked or not... and that's probably a good thing. (the slow and careful part...not the legos...legos in the dark BAD....)


Sunday, January 27, 2008

family growing up

yes, this is my oldest son. this man-boy, who is only an inch or so shorter than i am...who is growing and bulking up and all that my first born child. he is thirteen.

it has been a rough couple of weeks...for me, for him, for his father. but something that has occurred, that i can admit was probably a bit overdue, is, as a friend of mine, calls it, "letting the roosters work their stuff out on their own." yes...i let his dad handle him this weekend, as in they worked their stuff out all on their own. (the fact that i was a couple hours away at a slumber party for hoperadio, who was turning forty, made it a hell of a lot easier...)

see, i am more patient...more empathetic...more likely to help my sons find the words for their feelings than their dad. they know this, i know knows it, too. but thirteen year old has been taking that for a way that was really disrespectful, though i'm sure that's not how he meant it to be. but just like two year olds who are egocentric and think if they walk in the street it should be safe and don't have room in their universes yet for the idea of a big, heavy, fast moving my thirteen year old was getting a bit egocentric, this time acting out of anger without considering who he might be hurting in the process or feeling any responsibility for that. and while i broadened his concept of the universe as a two year old literally to keep him safe, i feel i have to broaden his concept again...but not necessarily for his safety, which is probably why i've been so reluctant. yet i still feel the responsibility.

he can be selfish... and that's ok, we all have those times. but it rarely leaves us feeling happy, or healthy, or safe. to get angry and hurt another person and then not make it right, whether because you don't know how or just don't know why you should....that leaves everyone feeling shitty. and with as many options as we have in america for diverting our attention from that which ails us, maybe broadening his universe was necessary for his safety this time, too. either way, i think we're making it...not just through, but up and over and forward, too.

e took this picture of n and i in the lodge, having hot chocolate. n didn't want to snowboard because he'd hurt his wrist the day before. i made him go anyway. he was pissed and i was, well, stubborn. i took e skiing for awhile and when i came back, n had taped his wrist with the tape i'd given him. he had some hot chocolate with us and let me tape his wrist the rest of the way. and then he went out and snowboarded the rest of the day. he told me later he was glad i made him go. i wanted to punch him, but i hugged him and said i was glad he was having a good time.

sometimes being a mom is hard for me. i often think i just don't have the balls required for this job. i want my kids to do the right thing, and i'd really like them to do it easily. but i guess that is my own egocentricity, eh?... funny thing is, it's my children who broaden my universe....or at least hold me accountable to the lessons i'm trying to teach them in myself. (yeah, that sentence could probably use some commas for clarity, but i like the different ways i'm reading it...)

so my family keeps growing...

ps--here's a pic of n, little e, and dad... <3

Friday, January 25, 2008

a long way down

so this is my second born, s...he turned ten on the day this picture was taken. he also learned how to stand up on a snowboard on this day. he actually got on a snowboard for the first time two days before this, but he couldn't actually come down a hill on one that day. he couldn't even get on the poma lift to get UP the hill on that first day. i cried that day, watching him try and try and TRY to get up that hill on that damned lift. and i cried because even though he fell every time, he always got back up and tried it again. (well, obviously not ALWAYS...but he did about fifteen times before he stopped and talked his dad into taking him up on the chair lift, which took him to the top of the mountain and took them an hour and a half to get back down because, well, turned out the problem wasn't JUST the poma lift, you know?...) anyway...i was proud of him for trying...sad it was so freaking hard to ride the lift...frustrated his dad couldn't understand why our son was being so "stubborn"...and just generally manic in my mind. it was, uh, exhilarating... (laughing out loud here)

ok, i'll just say it...this is the child i identify with the most easily. he's the one who looks the most like me (because those chinese genes just wiped out most of my stuff, you know?). and he thinks and acts a lot like me. so, i got a feel, up on that mountain, for how different watching his journey is going to be. how much of it i'll have to stand back and watch so as not to just take over it and work my own shit out on his life. well, i guess i do this, to some extent, in all their lives. (isn't being a mama fun?!?!) oh, i guess i'll just have to watch myself more closely...

i still haven't called a therapist. (grinning stupidly) but i will. today. probably. i don't know why i put it off this whole week. guess i was being "stubborn"... but see...i knew s wasn't being stubborn. i knew he just wanted to figure out snowboarding on his own. i knew he just wanted to TRY...and if he couldn't, fine...he'd take the lessons. but he was NOT taking the lessons until he knew he COULDN'T DO IT ON HIS OWN.... when he came down the mountain, i could tell he and his dad were tense. then he saw me, broke out in this huge grin, walked over to me (dragging his snowboard uselessly from one foot) and said, "i'm taking lessons next time." he looked so satisfied, relieved, happy, confident, relaxed. yeah...i'm calling a therapist this time. and working out. and reading. and journaling. but i'm pretty sure i'd suck at snowboarding.

ps--here's a song i used to sing to my kids when they were small...well, not all that cool stuff at the end, but it wasn't really MY song, so i didn't feel comfortable embellishing the way sarah does...yeah, that's it...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

third born son

here's my beautiful third born doing his "thang" in new mexico. he has fairly simple needs and is learning to meet them. he didn't need to learn something new like his brother (snowboarding). he just stuck with what he already knew and had a blast doing it.

he likes to go fast. he doesn't turn much. we bought him a shirt that said, "why turn if you don't have to?" he bends his knees when he wants to slow down. he sits down when he really needs to slow down. (like when he turned and went down a black diamond run on husband told me two nights ago that for a minute there, he thought we'd lost o...i'm glad he waited til we were home to share that...)

my third born son is so passionate. and he is incredibly stubborn. he will be curled up next to you like a kitten, shamelessly asking for affection. and then he'll be yanking and kicking and wrestling with his teeth bared before his spot on the couch is cooled. he wears me out with his extremes. and he honestly looks so bewildered by how worn out i get... he doesn't use his words enough to express his feelings...but he will go on and on about video games, pokemon, and any book he's reading. his favorite is dr. seuss.

he has double set by his smile and the other by his eyes.

he is my easiest child to physically provide for. he is more demanding emotionally than i can keep up with most days. he can play board games for hours....

i identify with him more than i usually like to admit. maybe if i learn to treat myself more kindly, i'll also heal some of the difficulty i have with this beautiful child. but for all his extremes, he is very forgiving and usually optimistic. he makes the world a better place.


Monday, January 21, 2008

learning to walk and breathe again

this is my littlest skiing down his little bunny slope on our vacation last week. i taught him how to ski, i guess...even though i don't know how to ski. it's amazing what your children can motivate you to do when you aren't really motivated on your own. i really can't find any desire in me to learn how to ski, yet there i was, watching everyone, talking to the locals, because he wanted me to be his teacher...

i've been reading a book called anger. it's written by a buddhist monk who has written close to and maybe more than 100 books and this is the first one i read... yes, that is telling. i've always thought buddhism seemed beautiful. but it was feeling worn out from the weight of unresolved anger that brought me to reading a book written by a buddhist. i didn't actually go seeking a book written by a buddhist. but while i was in taos, i found a store called the white lotus. i felt so relaxed there and decided to give them a little business. anger was the first book that caught my eye...and even after looking at others, it was still the one i felt like i had to read.

i've been reading about the buddhist practices of meditative breathing and meditative walking, and i've been practicing these things. i've even done a little meditative running on the treadmill. it's amazing how much faster and more smoothly life passes without a million things going through my mind. i felt more energized running with my body while my mind was not "running" its own race. it feels funny to be relearning these things, but the experience inspires me to keep practicing.

the way i wrote this, i feel like i should say my children gave me the motivation to seek out some solution for resolving and learning to better deal with my anger. and maybe in some ways, they did. but not mostly. mostly, i just want to be a woman i'm comfortable with, trying to accomplish goals i'm proud of, in ways i feel inspired by. and i was getting pretty far from that. and that was making me miserable. i'm sure my children felt my misery and i'm sure it affected them in some way. and for that i am sorry and a bit ashamed. but i cannot shelter them from the difficulties of the world and i cannot hide myself from them, either. i can let them know that i honestly love them and would never hurt them intentionally, and that when i have a problem that gets in the way of those two things, i will work as hard as i can to fix it or change it. and i'll hope it's enough...

and i'll teach them to ski as best i can, right?...

we got back to schooling a little today. some math, a little reading. they're also going to cook today and i think they're pretty excited about that. they're content to take it easy with me as we relearn some of the things we'd forgotten, together...


Sunday, January 20, 2008


i've always felt at home in water. the ocean, a lake, the bath tub, a swimming pool. most of my images in my head (because i often think in pictures) have to do with cleansing, washing, drowning, swimming, flailing, floating... rain is soothing... snow is cool, too...but also disconcerting in a way. i've always thought of life as being fluid...sometimes the waves are choppy, sometimes it feels like a whirlpool, sometimes not. i guess the scary times tend to leave more of an impression. but i have to remember thus far i have survived it all. and it's terrible to get tense and rigid as a swimmer...i'll just sink.

maybe i think this way because i'm an aquarius. maybe it's the seizure disorder i had as a child...maybe it changed something in my brain and that's why i've always felt so different. or maybe i'm not as different as i think i am...and that is okay, too. because there may be ways i'd like to be different, but more often than not, it soothes me to have people who share with me. i am grateful for those who share with me. i am also grateful for my ability to share.


ps---i am also grateful for you tube, which i can say with absolute honesty i never thought i'd say. but i love concerts and watching people sing and you tube lets me do that for a hell of a lot less money and effort than attending a concert. and i get to share it. hoperadio really loved yesterday's video. i did, too. i'd never even heard that song before yesterday. but here's one i've heard many times, i love, and i'll put here so i can see it whenever i need it, too...

Saturday, January 19, 2008

home again

it was a fun vacation. the kids had a good time and i enjoyed watching them have a good time. it's so fun being in snow when you rarely see it...

so, i have a lot of work to do. there's a lot i want to get accomplished on the house, i need to get organized to begin schooling again, and i have to start training for this half marathon that's a little less than a month away. i also have a lot of work to do on the the head/spirit/attitude region. so i may be busy and not post much. but more likely, i'll still be here. i just won't always be moaning...sorry about that. ;)

i do want to say i am through with bullying myself and i am ready to take life a little more steadily. even though there's a lot in front of me, i'm feeling okay about it today and grateful for the hands i have holding me up...


while we were driving, N mentioned that tracy chapman was one of his favorite top ten singers...which kind of surprised me. i really thought he just listened to her because i did...duh. here's an anthem for me right now... (it's not the best quality, but it's the whole song, which i thought was important...though she is so beautiful, i admit i'm bummed you can't see her very well...)

Friday, January 11, 2008

farewell for awhile

so i leave for vacation tomorrow. i remember when we did this vacation last year, i was so stressed out before we left. and i'm stressed a little this year, but for different reasons. first of all, i've known we'd be doing this for awhile (you know, more than three or four days), so that's big...

i'm looking forward to it. i like freezing my butt off, i guess. N says i need to pack more clothes, so i'll go work on that in a bit. it's time to start wrapping stuff up in the house. i think we'll be alright on this. we have a dog sitter coming in for miss kitty and tallulah. and N's brother p will help, too. all in all, i'm feeling comfortable with things.

i still have much work to do when i get back...on myself. but i think it's alright to have a good vacation with my spouse and kids until i can do that... and i can't express how much i look forward to just some boring times when i get back. i'm ready for the holidays and vacation to be a fond memory and the path to be steady ahead...


Thursday, January 10, 2008

a confession

so, i've been thinking a lot. i do that. almost nonstop. i really wish there was a button to turn it off. anyway, some thinking is frustrating, some thinking makes my head hurt, some makes my stomach hurt. but every once in awhile, i wander upon a line of thought that actually helps me relax....kind of washes all over me, makes breathing a little easier....just makes it easier to be me for awhile. and i had a moment like that last night. it was when i admitted to myself that i am pretty depressed. not just an adjective. more like a state of being. my state of being. for now.

see, there was a really hard time in my marriage about four, almost five years ago. which also happened to be right after e was born. well, i guess the difficult time started while i was pregnant with him and then really culminated when e was about two and a half months old. and that difficult time really rocked me. but N was in med school and we had just moved and i had a new baby and it was one of those sink or swim times, so i swam. and i just kept on swimming. i've been swimming since.

but for some reason, this last month has really gotten me down. not because my family is awful or because one person let me down or anything that specific. it's just been a hellacious month and while i'm glad it's over, i can't pretend i'm not different for it...having a harder time coping, and just generally less willing to give anything of myself. i'm also maybe a tad bit resentful, bitter, angry, tense... i've never seen myself so cynical, to be honest. it's weird. and i'm tired, especially, of pretending like things are hunky-dory around my spouse or other people who i don't feel like sharing the truth with. yes, i am fully aware it is me that doesn't want to share...not them who doesn't want to hear. that is progress for me. it is a great diversion to feel like it is someone else's fault that i feel this way. but i can't even blow smoke up my own ass right now. which i guess is good...i don't fucking know...

so anne lamott talked to me last night. (i did the finger-in-the-book-thing...) it was an essay called "ladders" and a lot of what it said felt good to hear. it talked a lot about grief and how avoiding grief may keep you from experiencing grief, but that it also robs us of experiencing life anymore. that only through experiencing grief do we retain our connection with life. or something like that... i really identified with it. and i can relate to grieving. i grieve my marriage not being what it was anymore. it's something different. and while i can go with the good times...we had those times before, so i'm familiar. the bad times are pretty rocky because i don't know how to trust my spouse now. (and i'm not throwing him under the bus...he didn't do terrible things...he just made bad choices and i'm not sure how to handle it, weirdo that i am)

so anyway...for this, i will find a counselor. dear god, help me, help me, help me find a good counselor. this scares me more than anything. but i did find a nice vet today for my dogs, so that is encouraging to me. i was quite relieved...

let's see...anything else? not really...


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

getting back up again

there is a saying about getting back up on a horse--i use it a lot. but i really don't enjoy horseback riding. it scares the hell out of me. horses are huge animals and i just don't have much confidence with them. i'm fairly certain if one threw me, i'd never get back up on another one again. i'm sure i could live the rest of my life without ever feeling another horse under me...wild, huh? ;)

but that doesn't mean i don't have to proverbially get back up on the horse, i suppose. and that's what i prayed about and meditated on last night. i talked to my mom about it, too. (well, not my fear of fear that i was about to lose it even though i was holding on very tightly.) she said i was a spectacular person and she loved me. it almost made me cry. i told her i'd settle for being a "spec" person and she laughed.

i have had many thoughts about relationships...between people, between families, within oneself. i just don't always understand why it gets so hard. my dad says it's good we're all different, the world would be really boring if we were the same. to which i reply yes, but it'd be a little less of a clusterfuck if we weren't all so totally freaking different, right? and he laughs.

i am good at making people laugh, sometimes. i am not good at figuring out how to deal with those difficulties, most of the time. and this is why i will be searching for a counselor when i get back from vacation. less laughing, more figuring out...or a better balance between the two.

i cleaned out the rabbit cages today. it was the freakingest most disgustingest job in the world. but it is done. and i feel like mother theresa to those rabbits. (yeah, yeah, i know...i'm the asshole who let them get so gross...give me a moment, ok?) but i do think service is a good thing...good for the soul. now to take down the dead christmas tree...

i am still holding on. i think it will be alright...and i think that makes all the difference.


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

some days...

i am just not well enough in my head to do this... (life i mean, not blogging)

and that's all i have to say about that.


Monday, January 7, 2008

on my own

just for the day. last time i did this was right before i moved when a mama friend took my kids for the day so i could clean and pack my house. but this is much funner....just lots of laundry to be done. well, and i should clean some rabbit cages, too...blech

so other than laundry, i've listened to "into the west" off of the lotr soundtrack about fifty times without anyone complaining. and i danced my ass off to big audio dynamite and erasure. (i was in a hurry to put on something fast) much fun. i think my beastie boys cd is in my van which my spouse took to get fixed two and a half hours away (in our home town) with my four sons, sooooo...

my mom left the hospital today. she sounded much, much better. that alone is great. if they can actually figure out what landed her there...pretty much icing. i'm expecting "idiopathic" to be part of the diagnosis, to be honest...

i was thinking about blogging funny it is. i love it because it's easier to type a journal entry than go find my journal and write. and frankly, it's much less likely my kids will read my blog than my journal. and while i'm not hiding who i am, i don't exactly think they're ready for the workings of my mind just yet. at least not so spelled out. well, that and the rawness of emotion. yeah, i'm kidding myself... anyway... i've read how some bloggers feel pressure to write good stuff. and while i feel it sometimes, i obviously don't let that get in the way of just getting something out because that's primarily what this blog is for me. and outlet. there are way too many things bumping around in my head and i have to let some of it out...get some order to it, even if it's just words, even if they're crappy. and while i've been so very overwhelmed lately, blogging still helps somewhat.

i don't know what other people look for in blogs, but i like the insightful days, the honest days, the days where there's anger or frustration or sadness or happiness or joy or, yes, even those of just blah. most of it i can relate to in some part of me. some days i envy, some days i have much sympathy for, some i rejoice or just laugh with...but almost all i can empathize with and help me get in touch with some part of myself without having to do that work for the day. it's like little tune ups. and for that i am so very grateful.

so keep blogging...i know i will. if i have a sucky day (or many sucky days in a row), forgive me. go read one of the mamas on my blog roll...they're good...all of them.

back to laundry and music...i also want to watch stardust again. watched it with my guys the other day, but they thought it was kind of syrupy. i could've done with more syrup and less manly stuff...but i guess it kept us all happy. maybe i'll just fast forward through the fighting parts...i don't know why i'm feeling so "girly" today...maybe the lack of testosterone in the house... it feels good, whatever it is. not something i think i could handle for more than a day, but good nonetheless.


ok, quick video....annie singing her song. i love her. just a regular mama with a voice that could kill a whole army of orcs...this one's shorter than the one on the cd, but i loved watching her sing it. hope you do, too

Sunday, January 6, 2008

recap and letting go

so, the tests for my mom did start happening that day. and by that night, the shit had hit the fan...

see, my mom is a clinical nurse specialist in oncology. now, i think spots on a ct-scan would worry the average person that they had cancer, but for my mom, it was kind of a total doomsday feeling to hear that she had, not just spots, but also a soft tissue mass. all in areas that made it seem like she probably had, oh, pancreatic cancer. only, her pancreas was clear on the ct. but that didn't stop her gi-doc from doing an endoscopic sonogram to be 100% sure...

all to say she doesn't have cancer. she does have something going on with her blood that caused her to clot off her splenic artery...but that feels like a splinter compared to thinking my mother was going to die of pancreatic cancer. maybe it doesn't quite feel like a splinter to her...but i guess this isn't her blog, huh? (haha, i know that sounds shitty, but ain't it the truth?)

anyway... now the letting go part. i am either completely toxic emotionally and psychologically or i'm getting the flu. not sure... things are still so tense at home and i am not feeling like being the glue to hold this family together right now. i am w-i-p-e-d o-u-t.....and i think N feels like he's pretty wiped, too. but i am so wiped, i just don't care how wiped he feels...winning situation, hey?

i am looking forward to skiing next week. or leaving for skiing next weekend. i think the kids are, too. but i need to get myself to a better place, that's for sure. well, maybe it's not up to me to get myself there, but i need to go...if that makes sense. which i don't think it does anywhere but in my head...i can't find the words right now...worms, roxanne....

there is much more i want to say...the craziness of my family that i love and identify with and am completely repulsed by at the same time...the miracle of friendship and women who will raise you up when you can barely walk through that stretch of your journey...the endlessness of it all when minutes drag by like nails on a chalkboard, or the hundredth intro to "iron man"...whichever you find more grating at the moment. but my head pounds, my face aches, and my muscles are begging me for just a few more minutes on the couch with my hot sock. N is going to be so disappointed at the complete lack of things we've accomplished. but maybe he's going to have to practice a little letting go himself...yeah, right.


Thursday, January 3, 2008

healing yourself

it's amazing how when things get bad enough, your body just kind of shuts down and you go on auto pilot and do what you have to do...

after posting that last night, i walked to the kitchen to get some tea and cried...and cried....and cried. then i sat down and cried a little more. i'm thinking i needed that. and luckily, i had stopped by the time my family came home. then i took a shower and went to bed. i felt a lot more relaxed than i had in awhile. maybe i should shower at night more often?

i got up early this take my car to the mechanic. but i had almost a whole hour to myself this morning. i've had coffee and listened to my kids playing together as they've been waking up.

it is incredibly cold (for texas) this morning. the dogs' water bowl is iced over. i need to bring them inside here in a minute. i think my weather link says it is 28 degrees this morning...brrrr....

i think things will be ok. my sister stayed the night with my mom last night, and that is strangely comforting to me that she didn't have to be alone. i'm sure her tests started today, so hopefully we'll know something by tomorrow...maybe even this afternoon, i don't know.

things will also be ok here at home. we will get through residency. we got through med school. i will continue my lessons in the duality of the universe and work on my acceptance of that. i will also probably try to find a therapist to help me keep from falling off of either side of the continuum and somewhere in the middle.

i am going to spend today with my guys...the little ones...well, the ones i gave birth to. maybe we'll just pile up like puppies to stay warm...


Wednesday, January 2, 2008

still learning what needs to be learned

i am so overwhelmed right now. and i know it will pass. shit, i hope it will pass.

i know residency is a difficult time. i know intern year is the hardest. i know this because every doctor i know tells me this to be true...and the look on their faces always conveys their complete and total sincerity. and sometimes i hate being here.

it is hard for me to say that. i don't know why. i can say i hate brussel sprouts, i can say i hate certain presidents, i can say i hate when the kids leave their crap all over the place. but it is hard to say i hate being in residency. the hours suck, the money worries suck, the stress and strain and lack of time or energy to focus on so much of what we love sucks, why would it be hard to say i hate it? i guess because we chose this life. with the hope that when we get through this, it will all be so much better. and i feel like a failure that i hate this. but tonight...make no mistake...i hate it.

i am tired and bitter and resentful...i don't feel like making a go of it. i don't feel like doing the right thing or the best thing or even a good thing. i don't want to think about other people because i feel so empty and low right now... ok, that's not really true. there are many people i love and am so grateful for...i'm just feeling selfish right now.

my mom is in the hospital. truth be told, she's my stepmom. but since i spent the second half of childhood with her--gulp, the teen years--i feel like i have two moms. i think she'll be fine, but i know she does not feel good inside, and like my friend lana quoted from a U2 song tonight, what the soul wants, it will create. and i think this is the only way my mom knows how to make her life better or even getting sick. probably an ulcer, but i have a feeling things will keep getting worse for her until some things in her life change. and as selfish as it sounds, i am terrified that this is how i will end up...eating myself up from the inside out because i don't know how to make a change on the outside.

i mean, there are many things i have done and continue to do to make small changes. and i believe they can add up to a big change. and i also know there are other things i can do to make a difference, too. and i have those planned...i really do. but times like now, i am immobilized by how huge the task deeply my feelings of desperation can reach. it takes my breath away sometimes.

i will look for that safe place to rest again. i usually find it eventually. (lot of adverbs there) ok, i always eventually find the damned spot. but sometimes i get anxious i'll lose it. i guess i find another then, right? ok, god help me, help me, help me... breathe....


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

clean slate

yeah right... i don't even really want a clean slate. all this dirt gives me character, right?

but a whole new year of possibilities. does it make me sound crazy to say that this is the first year i realize that this is a cycle? i have figured out i go through life holding on to each moment like it's the last one i'll get...which some writers say we should do. but i find it exhausting. it's like i'm always claw holding onto things...don't want to let go of this, need more of that...never enough, always too's uhm, not relaxing at all.

but at church the other day, the priest said that we only celebrate the holy family once a year...that we wouldn't celebrate them again until this time next year, and something just clicked. oh yeah...we will do this again...and again...and even (light bulb moment)

and that's helped me to relax. opportunities come again and again. (i definitely think this will make the having faith in others learning from their mistakes and not having to be the one to teach them a hell of a lot easier...) maybe this will make running easier, too... not having to worry that i blew it, you know? a friend quoted bono on her's not failure if you're still trying. (uh, yeah, that was paraphrasing on my part)

so resolutions... i'm too tired to feel too committed to any sort of thing as definite sounding as a resolution, but there are things i will be praying about and hoping for in the coming year...for myself, my family, the world around me...

i really want to get my kids involved in a volunteer community service kind of project. and this will be the year for that, i'm fairly certain. they need a sense of the world outside of themselves, their homes, this family...and their ability to have an impact in it...

i'd like to work on complaining less. although, since i rarely said anything negative about my life as a child and had zero skills in standing up for myself, i'm not going to cut myself off entirely. but i will try to find a more constructive, active way of handling those feelings when they visit.

i want to spend more time engaged with my it board games, reading to them (when did i stop doing that?), cooking with them...

and i want to keep writing and reading. blogging has made writing a lot easier, i admit. but i miss the physical process of writing. i like my handwriting...i like drawing and doodling and all the character you can put on a journal page. so maybe i'll just have to keep creative journaling with the kids...

i want to start getting a little more accomplished school-wise. i feel like there's so much more we are capable of, if i can get the kids on board...and that's the key there...finding a way to, as my bil says, "create a spirit of cooperation and collaboration"....but i think that involves, uh, cooperation and collaboration. which we could all stand to work a little harder towards.

and i have got to let go of some of the guilt i feel so often...even when i'm not aware. it's too much and i think it's giving me wrinkles and grey hair (did i mention i found another one?!?!). but seriously, it dampens so much of me, that it is time to let it go and stop trying to protect myself by holding on to it. (i do not understand that mechanism...i am only just realizing it)

ok...wishing everyone some peace today... (and i think some naps might help us all, too)