Wednesday, October 31, 2007

happy halloween

so, halloween really isn't my favorite holiday...but the kids get excited, so we do it. i have some work to do to get their costumes together today and hopefully, it'll all go off without a hitch.

n will be the phantom of the opera. s is going for a jawa and i hope we're able to pull it off.... o will be a ninja (which i know he's been in previous years, but he reminded me he was a knight last year and a bumble bee the year before, so i guess maybe i shouldn't argue with an eight year old who KNOWS STUFF....). e wants to be a ninja, but i might see if he wants to wear a spiderman costume we have or maybe even o's old bumble bee costume.

i want N to be the christine to n's phantom, but n says if dad wears a dress, the deal's off, so i guess not.... i'll have to figure something easy out for him. usually, i just buy him horns and a tail and make him a devil and then, of course, i wear wings and a halo....hehe i figure he must like it if it doesn't motivate him to make something up for us... :)

quick question... what is spam? i realize it probably doesn't really COST anyone to mail me advertisements for viagra and penile implants....but WHY do they do it? are there really people out there hoping for some help in the genital enhancement department that check their email just WAITING for help to come along? do they really get customers that way? because really, sometimes i feel like they just do it to remind me the world is still really screwed up in some places. i mean, yeah, we're at war...but there are still people that must email anyone and everyone about larger breasts, penises, and sexual dysfunction medications. i mean, for the record, i find spam as annoying as telemarketers. well, i'm sure telemarketers as people are wonderful people...but the actual JOB and the way it impacts my life...completely annoying.

a girlfriend told me the other night it sounded like i have a dementor (think harry potter) over my house. and maybe it's because i started the conversation with "do you ever feel like all the hope is being sucked out of the world?"..... she reminded me i needed to cast my patronus. i wonder what shape it would take? probably a turtle...just like that sea turtle in hawaii that made my world a little larger and turned my perspective around on being blessed or even lucky....

alright, this was a total ramble-fest. milk shakes for breakfast and the woman can't even keep a train of thought.... i must watch my sugar intake today, i must watch my sugar intake today... :)
happy halloween....(insert vincent price's laugh from the end of the thriller song here)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

welcome punkin and a little philosophy

my sister got a new dog yesterday. i think that since things with her ex are kind of really over, and since her ex has the two dogs they adopted when they were together, my sister was ready for a new dog. she got the cutest little girl from a rescue agency. she's so pretty, but my sister says she's pretty skittish. sister actually skipped her linear algebra class this morning to go hang with baby punkin. she says punkin looks like she's going to be a fairly large girl... good, then tallulah won't be the only big one in the family anymore.... so welcome punkin girl....i happen to know you've got a great mama....

so, it was a pretty rough weekend over here. there was a lot of drama at work for N.... it's a weird line interns walk in the world of residents. a lot of people yesterday told him, "shit runs downhill and since you're the low man on the totem pole..." not quite inspiring, but i suppose it was offered more as comfort or support than inspiration. N's a good man...he can learn from his mistakes. (well, more readily when they're mistakes made at work than at home, but this is not about throwing him under a least not right now...wink) and he knows there are ways he failed the situation at work over the weekend, failed himself, even failed the mama that the situation centered on. but he WAS the low man on the totem pole. (still is) and those above him sure failed him. one resident in particular. and though i think it was comforting to N that so many let him know he was screwed by this one other doctor, it was also uncomfortable to him. because righteousness can be a very powerful that can be used for things that are not right in themselves, and therefore one he inherently knew was not his to wield.

N has lessons to learn from this, no matter who screwed up MORE. and it's almost kind of cowardly that all these other people have come forward NOW to speak out against this other doc. and N really doesn't need to be distracted right now....he just learned some big fucking lessons, and doesn't need to lose them to some feeding frenzy of people jumping on the coattails of what he went through this weekend. i don't know.

the doc screwed up--there's no doubt in my mind about it. and i was pretty pissed off sunday morning when N came home telling the tale through tears of anger and frustration and, i'm sure, disappointment. but he'd also been at the hospital for 29 hours straight without sleep. and that will fuck with anyone, whether they've had a shitty day or not. and like i told N last night, so many people were offering their hands yesterday, and some of them have been just as stand offish or crappy as the doc who let N down this weekend. anyway.... i don't want to point fingers and i don't want to be suspicious of those who were trying to support N through this. but it's done. the mama who left a.m.a. was called back and had an emergency c-section because of the severe eclampsia she developed. all there is left to do is learn from it. (well, for the team...mama and baby still have a ways to go) and it does no one any benefit to speak badly of them unless you have some suggestions for how to improve or support to offer as they try to improve themselves.

i think some of our friends out here think N and i are big babies for taking this one situation so hard and spending so much time on it. and maybe we are. but what i know is that N and i live our lives with integrity as we see it. it's our lives, our energy, our commitment. and, frankly, i'm tired of putting my emotions in some great cosmic balance to see whether they're ok or not. i can sympathize and empathize with others' situations without diminishing or devaluing my own or even someone else's.

i have more to say on this, but it's a tuesday, and tuesdays are busy for us, so it'll have to wait...

Monday, October 29, 2007

oh thank god

i have just finished an editting process of my whole blog. we went down to initials instead of names and it took FOREVER... (please, if you know of an easier way to edit a whole blog, DON'T tell me what it is for at least another week)

but i read almost the whole blog today and i have to mention some observations...1. i talk about drinking an awful lot. 2. i think i have no less than three blogs titled some variation of left foot, right foot, and then at least a couple more that that is the first line so 3. i kind of sound like a virtual drunk perpetually taking a field sobriety test....

alright, school days only half done for us. they're sneaking in another viewing of the princess bride....back to work! ("you keep saying that word...i do not think it means what you think it means")

anybody want a peanut?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

tag, tagged, will tag

People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves on their blog and post the rules as well. At the end of their blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment.

1. when i was a kid, i had a seizure disorder. i outgrew it by the time i was 12 or so...

2. i was on the pep squad, high kick team, and drill team in high school. (i didn't do any of it my senior boyfriend's bestfriend described me that year as a "cheerleader gone bad"...) (still surprises ME that i did it)

3. i took a poetry class with poetess naomi shihab nye in elementary school and she liked one of my poems so well that she published it (it was about my dad)

4. i worked for years, before i was a mama, with kids with disabilities. i worked at a summer camp and the school for the blind in austin, tx. i've always had an easier time in relationships that are not readily defined in this culture, and kids with different disabilities definitely get a little freedom there...

5. i really like roller coasters

6. i have big feet--size 9.5

7. i have been an indigo girls fan since i was 14 years old.

i will come back and edit who i'm tagging... i don't think i really even know seven bloggers well enough to tag...

Saturday, October 27, 2007

breathing and appreciating

house guest left today. he was not a bad person. a month was just a long time. it was a huge weight off when he left.

i cleaned today. i should probably smudge a little, too. i did not run and i ate n's leftover chicken fettuccine alfredo...doh.

N is on call today. he was already tired at 7pm. only thirteen more hours to go... it breaks my heart to see him so tired. it fills my heart that he's doing it. i think my heart gets worn out sometimes.

o scored his first goal this season today. he is not a goal scorer. he is a goal assistor. he was totally on the down low about the whole scoring thing. i, on the other hand, was almost strutting. it was exciting. but more so for me than him. i think he was thinking, "geez mom, i've had fun all season...why are you making such a big deal out of today?" he's so much more mature than i....

e is as stubborn as n. today n told e if he had a bad attitude, he wouldn't get any mac and cheese (that n was making). so e showed him...he didn't touch the mac and cheese. even after n almost begged him to eat it. (well, he took a tiny nibble when n wasn't watching)

i talked to my sister tonight. she constantly amazes me what a wonderful person she is. her ex-girlfriend won't do a long distance relationship. for the first time in my sister's life, she is committed to finishing school. i realize her ex is committed to remaining sober, and i respect that. so does my sister. but it's kind of sad that her ex can't respect that my sister's committed, too. a year later, things will be fine. but i think my sis's heart is already broken. but it's been broken a few times before, and they say breaks heal even stronger than her heart is STRONG.....

n takes care of me. he gives me massages and makes me laugh. i am happy for him to get his room back.

s gives me hope in the world because he remains so positive about things...and he's so damned reasonable about it, too. he's an old soul....

o is like his dad, another sunshine. he lights up the world and people smile just because he's smiling.

e is a clever little elf. i hope he doesn't turn to the dark side on us all.... :)

peace to you, tonight, N. i hope it's an easy night...easy births, easy passages, easy labors...

i'm waiting for back to the future to end and then i need to feed my girls. then, i am GOING TO BED.... it's amazing how different the house feels with just my family in it...


Friday, October 26, 2007

a little light

these are kind of random, but they are things that have sustained me through a tough month... well, they haven't exactly sustained me all month, but i have made it through a month with beauty like this gracing me. here's the first writing in the parent's tao te ching...

1. Words of Life

You can speak to your children of life,
but your words are not life itself.
You can show them what you see,
but your showing and their seeing
are forever different things.

You cannot speak to them of Divinity itself.
But you can share with them
the millions of manifestations of this Reality
arrayed before them every moment.
Since these manifestations have their origin in the Tao,
the visible will reveal the invisible to them.

Don't mistake your desire to talk for their readiness to listen.
Far more important are the wordless truths they learn from you.
If you take delight in the ordinary wonders of life,
they will feel the depth of your pleasure
and learn to experience joy.
If you walk with them in the darkness of life's mysteries
you will open the gate to understanding.
They will learn to see in the darkness and not be afraid.

and then this, a friend sent to me (after another friend had sent it to her...God is on the move, i think). it's a song by dar williams called the one who knows...

Time it was I had a dream
You're the dream come true
If I had the world to give
I'd give it all to you

I'll take you to the mountains
I will take you to the sea
I'll show you how this life became
A miracle to me

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

All the things you treasure most
Will be the hardest ones
I will watch you struggle on
Before the answers come

But I won't make it harder
I'll be there to cheer you on
I'll shine the light that guides you down
The road you're walking on

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

Before the mountains call to you
Before you leave this home
I want to teach your heart to trust
As I will teach my own

But sometimes I will ask the moon
Where it shined upon you last
And shake my head and laugh and say
It all went by so fast

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

ok, wiping my eyes and off to another day...

keeping my head above water--not as bad is it's been made out to be

i started a blog listing all the things this month that have been heavy to handle...but THAT was no fun.... so i'm just going to say good morning, have a good one, and love to all that are struggling, stressed, sick, tired, hurting, or feel lost.

i've been reading the parents tao and eating pumpkin bread. this is working for me right now. oh, and i'm talking to the kids as much as possible. e especially...he's hilarious.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

moving along....

or left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot....

so little bit (what we call e around here) slept on the couch yesterday morning and then had a long, heavy nap when he got home after rock climbing. before he'd fall asleep, he'd say his stomach hurt. then he'd sleep. then he'd wake up and be fine. i don't think he fell asleep until 11:30 last night....which is late, so i want to whine a bit about it, but considering the nap he took at 4:00 in the afternoon, it really wasn't too late. and we stayed up having conversations like, "is God sleeping with us?" and "do you know why you're a girl, mommy? because you're a mama" and "this is a bed because we lay down in it. and it's a sharing bed because everyone fits in it." although, we didn't fit too well... i usually move him onto a "bed" i made him on the floor, but because it was so late when he fell asleep, my neck is all out of whack. oh well.... it's all good.

and today, n wakes up and says, "my stomach hurts and i don't feel BAD...but i don't feel GOOD." yeah, he's growing up. fine line and all.... so if this is a virus...woo-hoo because it only lasted maybe twelve hours at the most with e... and today is our "stay home and catch up on all we got behind with yesterday" day.

the other day on the treadmill... i don't know how to frame this. see, i get on the treadmill and decide if i'm going to run for 20 or 30 minutes. then i start. but when i start, i have to relax my shoulders because as soon as i push start, it's like the anticipation or maybe it's just impatience for the next 20 or 30 minutes to be builds up. it's like i'm a train, and all my carts are moving faster than standard time. so behind me (behind my neck, to be exact), there builds up all this expectation, this i'm looking ahead to the fabric of the future. but it makes getting through the presence really hard, because i'm working with extra cars on my neck or trying to run through all those FOLDS in the fabric i've bunched up. so i have to make a good, kind mama voice in my head and tell myself to relax and settle down and get through it. it'll be fine. see, i think this is a huge part of my commitment to be a kinder, gentler parent that respects those i'm parenting. because i needed to educate the voice in my head who parents me. i needed to be kinder to myself and learn to respect myself. learn how to make mistakes. learn some damned patience. and i'm patient with myself on this running thing. because i know i do it other times, too. and i wish i'd stop. the parent in me wishes i'd freaking learn not to do that. but the parent in me also respects that the kid in me is learning at her own pace and doing what seems right at the time. so if we can keep trusting each other (yes, i am speaking about myself as though i am two different this a problem?), we'll be fine.

so that was my treadmill thought the other day. keep in mind i am running while thinking these things, so there's probably a good amount of oxygen deprivation going on. ;)

oh, and my kids are watching back to the future right now. we're having an 80s movie marathon this week. they watched big the other day. that was kind of a profound movie for a 13 year old to watch...wanting to grow up and crying with longing to return to the days you skipped of childhood. they thought it was funny. they haven't really commented on the whole marty mcfly almost erased his existence by going back in time and ending up with his mom having a crush on him. and the movie does kind of glorify violence a bit, but i have to admit that it does it in a way that i'm ok with. i mean, bif is all but raping lorraine in the front seat of her car when george drops him. and the whole dr. brown tricking the terrorists for plutonium and then the terrorists shooting him thing....that was kind of weird in a post 911 world... but that was pre-911. all these movies were. and while i'm sometimes shocked by the amount of sexual innuendo in the movies (that i just didn't remember seeing in them when i watched these movies as a child), there is still something kind of innocent to them. or maybe it's just my own innocence attached to them. but i don't think so...because the kids crack up at these movies. it's a fun thing....

ok, let me go run while they watch the rest....


(some traveling mercies to mama c...and peace for papa p and baby s...i'm sure i'll be able to wish in person soon...hehe)

ps--i just wanted to add one more thing...there's a blog i have a link posted to called "no impact man." he's doing a project for a year with zero impact on the world...only there's been a lot of impact. some people think he's crazy, some people admire him, sort of...i think most people find what he's doing interesting or maybe even admirable, but not practical for them. anyway, i was reading today and thought i'd pass along that the october 16th entry was particularly good for me. i mean, most of the last few have been good...but i really liked october 16th. peace out

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

sleep does a body good

i was so irritable last night. there was an issue of being ignored...i was offered a glass of wine, two were poured, and then dh and house guest proceeded to drink. so i poured my own. then i'd try to say stuff and no one seemed to know who i was talking to. dh actually sort of apologized later in the night, and i told him, "hey, i have four sons. i obviously need to get used to being ignored so that when they're all men, it won't bother me." yeah, i wasn't ready to forgive....

but mostly, i think it was just kind of a psychic viral shedding of sorts from all that's been going on. so i did what any sane person would do. i drank two glasses of wine and went to bed early. and i think i'm better for it.

we haven't really done a damned thing today. the kids are really on a chess kick right now. and e is on the couch...i'm don't think little bit is faking it here... but it's tuesday, and we just don't usually get tons done on tuesdays. i think i'll run, then do whatever school work we can, then go to rock climbing, run through the grocery, home for a bit, then soccer prax. it should all be fine. i'm feeling up to it, i suppose.

i've been having lots of good blogging thoughts on the treadmill lately. but then i can't remember them lately. i'll have to stick a notebook on there today... :)


ps--some peace to my sister today.... and to mama jerrie.... and some to patsy, too....

Monday, October 22, 2007

back to the grind and my body, she teaches me

it is almost 11:30am, and i'm still here in front of the computer preparing stuff for the day. i ran out of lesson planning sheets, so i had to print some off, and, well, now, logically, i'm here blogging...

the kids have played chess, enacted some transformers on their track set with their hot wheels, and navigated some issues concerning games that involve one person winning and one person losing and how much fun it is to win and how much it sucks to lose and how maybe, since we're not doing so well at the losing part today, we could find some games that don't involve either.... so transformers it is. when all else fails, make it us against the bad guys in the world....we will win every time. (well, if the battle ground exists in young imaginations....)

i have a load of laundry to fold and poor N...he stuck a load in the wash saturday that sat forgotten until last night, when i ran it through the wash again. (when you make your own soap, it sours a little more quickly) well, i forgot to dry it. and i think probably all of his scrubs were in that load. so i think he had to get up and dry a set of scrubs at, oh, i don't know, 5:30 this morning? and he was still pleasant telling me good-bye. laughing because sometimes, i'm so sleepy, i tell him good night instead of have a good day...

e and i slept in a bit. played and hugged and laughed this morning before we finally got up to pee. he's so funny. we woke up to lots of rain. it sounds quite dramatic on our metal roof. but it really was a lot of rain. i knew a cold front was blowing in, i just had no idea it was bringing rain. so we've been outside a few times to marvel at how cold it is, and smile, and be excited because we like the cold....

i think i have a yeast infection on the skin that folds above my belly button but below my breasts...kind of between the two. i'm not sure it's yeast, but it sure itches like yeast...and it gets red and splotchy. anyway... i appreciate that as stressful as the last month has been that i haven't gotten sick. but my face is breaking out a bit and then there's this stomach thing going... so i will watch what i eat. (i'm afraid i've gotten a bit out of control on the sugar lately...) i will get a little more protective of myself. it'll be alright. (notice how i talked about a fold in my belly without even flinching? i'm pretty sure it's the gray hair making me a little more grounded....hehe)

ok, to the grind that is my life. i really do love it. well, deep down i love it. on the surface, i look more like i'm accepting it, maybe... :) i also need to run today. i think i might open some of these windows....

have a peaceful day, world...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

i don't feel any wiser?....

so guess what i got today? or what i noticed i have... my first gray hair. i am more taken aback by this than i thought i'd be. i'm kind of happy, sort of. i definitely feel kind of weird about it. i asked N if i looked sexier... i kind of celebrated by buying myself a few things at the outlet mall today. so i'm still aging....

it has been a crazy weekend. i wish to god i'd had someone here holding my hand...then i realize i did. and his name is N and i'm married to him and should really stop undervaluing him. but it was a hell of a weekend. i think i have sobs to come about it...but i just can't go there yet.

and i think my house guest is getting tired of me. really, i don't think it's about me. i think he's just tired of staying somewhere other than where he lives for the past two months. but he's gotten a bit cheeky with me, and i really came close to just firing something not-so-nice back at him, but i realize i was a little over-emotional about the whole thing and let it go. like a typical male, i don't think he ever thought twice about the situation.

anyway.... i am tired.... i am emotional.... i want to be able to walk naked through my house and not care if someone is here. i want a day with my spouse without any time spent at a hospital. i want my oldest son to have his own room back so he'll stop being such a shit to his younger brother. i want my rabbit room to be cleaned without me cleaning it. same for some walls painted... ok, i'm getting lazy and loopy.

i need to go write some lesson plans...

peace out

Friday, October 19, 2007

don't fuck with my sunshine

so... this one goes out primarily to the chief resident who has no idea how close he came to just screwing up a fair chunk of the universe today.... it wasn't huge on a global scale, but on a "how much does this affect my universe" was really big.

see, this chief is on N's team. there are three of them on his team this rotation. and the other one (that's not N and not the chief) asked the chief about having this weekend off in the past. and the chief said he'd cover for her. but today, the chief decided he needed the weekend off and told N that he was the only team member left to do rounds for the team in the morning. when N mentioned he was on call last weekend and the next weekend, the chief's response was, "well, we all do it our intern year." oops...

see, N's not in his twenties. he did not get out of high school, go pre med, and apply to med schools, find the wife in undergrad and get her to wait til med school to procreate, and now, with toddlers in tow, she's so excited to FINALLY get the doctor's life. N managed a pharmacy at the point in most of these people's lives that they're in their residencies. so he's a little older. and he's very kind. generous. has a hell of a work ethic. all this chief had to do was, well, ask. but he didn't even have the fucking grace to do that. this guy said he'd cover for someone and then makes N cover for him? i used to think, "the nerve!" but now i see it for what it is....what an idiot.

and i'm sure this is not who this guy is on the grand scheme of things. as a matter of fact, all i know about him is what has impacted my life...which has been pretty damned small. but let me just say, for someone with rather small influence, he really rocked the boat. see, N really likes ob/gyn. he really feels good about the field...and he's damned good at it. (well, for a guy in his first year out of the shoot...there's always room to improve) but that chief really fucked with N's good feelings about the people he's working with....N really hates it when people in charge shit on those beneath them. he's never done it, and i don't think he'll do it when he's a fourth year resident. (which i'll admit ticks me off a bit...because even though i know it's RIGHT, it bums me out that it's not really's that? "balanced" i just came up with that right there...not "fair", not "even"...)

anyway...we have spent four years chasing a dream. and it has been and still is hard work. and i wouldn't trade it for the world. because not only does it make for a happy and fulfilled spouse (which it does) but it also allows me to be the person i think a spouse should be...supportive, positive, spunky and silly sometimes, and deeply, deeply passionate about my family but also about finding the God in the world and people around me. (who knew?) and it gives my kids real life examples of what people are willing to do in the name of what is right and what is important and how to follow our hearts. we may not get everything right, but we are DOING something, be damned! and as much that has changed in the last four years, one of the steady things is N's commitment to this path. we are steadily behind him, but he kind of leads...i mean, sometimes i might break down a few ferns in the way (nothing too strenuous) but he leads with his head and heart. and this chief almost broke N's heart and really fucked with his head. man, he was so pissed. and i can get him through pissed. but he also came home really disheartened, and that's not so easy. n went with him to pick up a few things and now N's out with a friend for a beer.

i think he'll be fine. it will take much more than this to derail things (not that i really hope to ever see just HOW MUCH it would take...). but the next time i see that chief, because i just KNOW I WILL, i think i'll just ask him if he's seen the sunshine lately...


Thursday, October 18, 2007

surrender (alternate title: lay down and play dead)

not too dramatic a day... wanted to post this morning, but didn't feel a pull one way or the other. needed some psychic lysol after yesterday, but i don't work that way, so i guess i was just waiting to see how the day after such a crazy day would go...

my mom put her dog down tonight. and it's weird to me how emotional it makes me to type that. the way the vet supported my family through it all was pretty cool. i could see myself making a joke about it at a time far removed from now, but not tonight. she was a black lab, 13 years old. as old as my oldest son.... peace to you, zoomer....

and that's about it... everything else was fine today. most of our school work done, recycling taken, and we ate fried chicken (we'll pay for that later). i didn't bake like i wanted. there's always tomorrow...


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

some peace in the struggle...

i got an email from a mama friend i was just thinking about last night... she just emailed to wish some peace through the struggle. since it's been awhile since i talked to her, i assume it's her usual wisdom acknowledging that there's always a struggle going on, huh? and there are many going my life, sure...but also in the lives of those i share my journey with. too many to mention, too many to explain, too many to fix or really affect, but never too many to wish them all a little peace... so this is all i got's a song i learned on retreat. someone sent it to me at a time when i really needed it, so let me send it out today...

how could anyone ever tell you
you were anything less than beautiful?
how could anyone ever tell you
you were less than whole?

how could anyone fail to notice
that your loving is a miracle?
how deeply you're connected to my soul....

peace to all

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

in keeping with movies and parenting related posts...

we just finished watching transformers. we've discussed how it is just a movie of explosions meant to fire up young males... we've discussed how troy in hsm had a lot more respect for females than a lot of the males in transformers.... we've discussed how evil always seems so much more powerful than good because good is, well, good...lest it become evil, you know?

but i have to family is each one very good at memorizing movie lines. and they tend to deliver them at really great moments... so, i just can't wait to walk in and find my sons all flustered (because, you know, they're saving the world, only they don't want to tell me because i might think they're crazy or something) and i can try to figure out what's going on and then just ask, at my wits end and all, "son, were you masturbating?" and then N can get mad at me and we can call it n's (or s's or o's or e's) "happy time", because masturbating is father-son stuff... that part really got me...

yeah, i know it's a movie about blowing stuff up....but the mom concluding her son's difficulty in talking was because he was THERE'S something i could relate to...

peace out

the high school musical phenomenon

ok, i've been kind of avoiding actually WRITING anything about this because it freaks me out a little and then it also illustrates the freak i kind of am sometimes.... but maybe i'll quit getting palpitations when i think about it if i just get it out.

this movie, high school musical...i'd only heard some mamas on a board talk about it once and it was because their daughters--like, their 8 year old daughters--really loved it and couldn't stop watching it, etc... so that was the end of consideration for me. i have four sons in the house. cinderella has never been shown here, nor snow white, nor barbie i just didn't think hsm would make it to our screens, either. transformers? sure.... superman? as much as we can get. (even though lois makes me uncomfortable, too...but that's a different thing altogether) but high school musical just didn't concern me....

so, my husband rented it. now, i don't know if i've put here how one of the things i loved most about N is that he was the best girlfriend i ever had. he is many things, but he is somewhat in touch with his feminine side....likes to sing show tunes, etc.... so when he came home with high school musical for the kids (for the FOUR MALE KIDS)...i don't just kind of tickled me.

so, they've watched it everyday since we got it...some days twice. i think superman got watched once and then no more. teenage mutant ninja turtles might have gotten watched three times while we had it... but it is a hsm marathon over here....

why am i freaking out? because it's so obvious for n that he likes the love story....the blossoming relationship being portrayed. i asked him if it made him want to go to high school...he said a tiny sliver, but not really. i've known it was getting time to start finding a circle he can lay some roots in, build some relationships in. and i think we're doing ok... but this movie activates my inner freak out about whether i am robbing my children of important opportunities to create and maintain friendships. they have each other, and i refuse to downplay that...because i do think they are great friends. and i think that's huge and great and wonderful. but i do think n needs some friends who are closer to his age, maybe even older, to share some with. but how rational is that? looking for a friend for my son with age as the main criteria? oy....

i want my kids to be happy. and that is changing. always is, but we've definitely crossed a thresh hold here, passed a milestone, whatever. talk about freak out...i've been thinking n was the main fan of this movie. i walked in last night and said, "i've never seen the beginning, can we back it up?" s says, "oh, that's the best part mom!" oh the nine year old is liking hsm too...

but i do want to say, hsm is a cute movie. i would've found it pretty cheesy a few years back, but now that i have these young men who are approaching adulthood, i appreciate that it's a cute relationship that moves at a reasonable pace and neither of the kids are screwing or even groping by the end of the movie. (which frankly, is probably how most of my relationships worked in high school...well, the groping part) so it's kind of liberating to see a healthy (i presume?) portrayal of a relationship not jumping into too deep of a commitment or too much intimacy. freak that i am, it seems i'm learning some stuff from high school musical. and i think this part scares me more than anything else. but i have to admit, i am so very motivated to learn how to guide my guys through relationships healthily and trust themselves that if i have to learn from hsm, i am not too ashamed. embarrassed as hell, but not ashamed....

anyway...i don't know how much great sense this post made...but i do feel somewhat better after writing it...

Monday, October 15, 2007

ape brain

so, if i haven't mentioned this before, i just spent four years near houston while my spouse was completing med school. and while i met a lot of awesome women, found a great tribe, i always said, "i could be a much better person if i did not live here where the weather sucks." and as much as i loved the community i lived with, i could never deny in my head that i would be crazy to settle in such a physically uncomfortable climate.

so now i am north of austin, more central in texas, and much farther from a coast line. and it is nice. i sit outside and sense things. it helps my head to take a break when other input avenues are being used... i feel the breeze, hear the leaves, look at the stars or the moon or the clouds. i cannot believe how many different shades of blue the sky can be in one day.

when hope was here the other night, it was so cool she had to bring out a blanket while we sat outside. it was l.o.v.e.l.y.... this is soothing to me....very, very soothing....

we always think of animals as so simple, or dirty, or whatever.... (i mean, hope and i had to put tallulah away to pee outside because, well, it would've been a know? and miss kitty used to eat the poo out of e's potty seat...gag) but i know when i sit out there and just sense the world around me...don't think about it, just take it in through each little avenue reminds me of the gorillas i used to love to watch at the zoo in brownsville, the gladys porter zoo. they had so many gorillas...i could spend hours there. just watching them take it in... so simple, but maybe so true?...

anyway, i think it benefits me to spend some time letting my ape brain be in charge. makes my human brain not so cocky, not so arrogant, not so over-important-let-me-be-in-charge-even-though-i-am-way-fucking-in-over-my-head-and-screwing-it-all-up-but-i-CAN-DO-THIS.....

i really like where i live... it lets me be more of the monkey i was meant to be.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

fun times

it is saturday night, or i guess, sunday morning... been quite a weekend. N's been on call and that's been, well, i miss him. but i guess it's working for us, because it makes the moments we spend together remind me of those days that he really was the best friend i ever had. so again, it's working for us. (although i do think he could do well with a little more sleep...darn all those mamas and babies...hehe)

so, my friend, hope (from hope radio) showed up here to visit today. (although i do feel the need to mention that i knew her way before her hope radio days.) anyway, it's been surreal. i talk to her many nights on the phone from my backyard, but tonight she was, like, IN MY BACKYARD. and i didn't even have the phone... anyway, we covered lots of important stuff. the world should be a better place tomorrow or soon after. :) we also took out a bottle or two of wine. and there will be a cold fried chicken and chocolate shortage tomorrow....oops. but we did solve some problems, and laugh...oh, and we peed outside, too. but we had to put the dogs inside before we could do that....hygiene, you know....

so N's got to work tomorrow..and i personally think the birthing world is a better place for him being in it. and hope and i? we have absolutely no plans as of yet. but i'm sure tomorrow will flesh out just fine. maybe we'll have one more glass of wine while we plan?... oh, and chocolate, too.

(she snorts a lot these's kind of funny)
ok, peace out

Friday, October 12, 2007

tired mama...

i had baby s over today. he is definitely healing, but he is definitely not know? he slept a lot, which delighted me, because i love it when little bodies take over to make themselves well again. s is really getting comfortable with all of us...and not just comfortable...i think he's really starting to like us. :)

p and c brought pizza and our house guest brought wine and we ate dinner together and just hung out together for the evening. it was nice. the boys are working on falling asleep (because we have such an EARLY soccer game tomorrow morning....). all in all, a good day. but i miss N. he's on call. he'll be home tomorrow. we were both almost bawling this morning when he left. for the love of god, grow the fuck up, huh? but we were tired, emotional adults...trying to make it through a tough week...still on the same team, but not much time to do anything together (and when we are together, too tired).

so i don't think i've posted this here, but it is the funniest story and it's kept me going, literally, through this tough week. my cousin is pregnant--due any day now, i think--with her third child. her second born (who is five-ish?) told her the other day, as she was getting dressed wearing underwear that obviously weren't maternity, "mama, your butt is too big for your panties." i don't know what her reaction was...this is what her mother told my mother who told me. but it is the little treasure i've held in my pocket for some healing laughter and a little extra sunlight.

ok, i am all emotional again. :) my period is here...finally...i can start feeling normal again. well, whatever normal is...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

moment of silence...

mama jerrie found out she lost her baby today. this makes her seventh miscarriage. for as tough and strong and practical as she usually is, it was wrenching to see her cry so hard and so deeply. i know i sometimes complain about the diversity of my tribe, but i was humbled and very grateful to be able to share today with her...many healing thoughts her way....


thoughtfulness lite

woke up this morning to e peeing on himself in his sleep. this is most unpleasant, i would imagine, because when laying flat on your back, naked from the waist down, small boys pee in an arc that goes up and back over onto their faces, pretty much. which is what happened this morning. not a pleasant way to be woken up at all, i think. so he got a bath first thing. (well, second thing, if you count the peeing on his own head as first)

my stomach is so unpleasantly bloated right now. i wish my period would just hurry up, already. i was thinking last night about how i've read that american women are the only ones who experience pms...that women in other countries don't report this. and i thought, "well, fuck it then...because i feel like shit right now and i don't think it's just coincidence that it's usually right before my period that i feel this way. but if it's me being lazy or undisciplined, well, whatever...just give me some damned chocolate and some wine..." (i just added that last part to be funny....that only occurred to me right you think 9am is too early for chocolate and wine?...)

i am overwhelmed. my life is like a horse, trotting along fairly quickly right now, and i'm just doing my best to hold on. as a matter of fact, i'm pretty sure if i stop to think about it, i'll fall off and break something, so i'm doing my best not to think about it, just to hold on. i baked a loaf of banana bread and two dozen pumpkin/chocolate chip muffins yesterday. (froze a lot of the muffins) i'm painting. i'm running. i'm wanting to bead myself a necklace to hook my glasses on, but i haven't done that one yet. i'll read to the kids today, although we're not really doing our full school load this week... i'm just doing what i can to hold on. luckily, i think things will settle some at the end of this month, but it makes me feel kind of queasy how long away that seems. so i'm not going to say that again....

alright, i slept for shit last night, woke up to some performance art (living fountain of boy) this morning, and ran out of cream for my coffee (and the soy milk isn't fulfilling my expectations), so that's about all i can muster. good enough....

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

some quick updates

baby s has pneumonia. it's so sad and sweet, all at the same time. p and c are taking very good care of him, but i know it is scary. healing thoughts to them...

mama jerrie is trying not to worry about the discharge she had yesterday, since she won't see her doc until tomorrow...positive thoughts for her pregnancy.

N is wiped out. l & d is a hard service to do for a month. and i'm kind of tired of people saying, "well, isn't that what he's doing?" because no, he won't work non stop in labor and delivery once he's no longer a resident. he'll work some in l & d, some in the office or clinic, some in the or.... but it's an exhausting month to get there for 7am report (which means, depending on how many patients are his) he gets there between 5:30 and 6am, and not be finished til 6:30pm report. he got home at 8 last night... healthy thoughts for him....


Monday, October 8, 2007

my bad mood

yep, i have one. it's going on right now... i am drinking a riesling, trying to ignore it, but it's is... hmmmm.... sit with it or try to move it? i just don't know yet... some lyrics i was listening to tonight that made me aware of this stirring thing inside of me...

It's dark at four PM in Leeds the steeples pierce the skylight till the last of it bleeds The absent sound of another day as it recedes into the shadows until it's nothing Fax papers slipped under the hotel room door like food for the prisoner or the prospect to the whore Well fed and halfway drunk I ache myself for more until I'm shadows of myself until I'm nothing Sixteen black churches burning on the TV all the way from Texas to Tennessee a politician locks my eye and says to me there is no crisis here there's no conspiracy I crave inertia every move made so I can stop Whatever this madness is in me spinning like a top on a bed of anxiety over a deep dark drop down into nothingness into withoutyouness Was it ever so evil creep like ivy, toe hold on the stronger half of nature's dichotomy Beating back a path through nothing more than pure insistence Until here becomes the distance Hold my head love I'm sick tonight find the open hole and press your finger there will all your might before the last ounce of my spirit bleeds onto the pristine sheets of the hotel bed in Leeds

yeah, it's by the girls...(uhm, that's indigo girls....)


i probably should just leave this alone, but it kind of pisses me off. i've got to run out the door to run some errands, but i jumped online to check email real quick, and of course, glance at my yahoo headlines. ok, i didn't jump online to check yahoo headlines, but that's just part of the deal, like walking is part of grocery shopping, i guess. anyway, there's this story about this guy who spent 13 years circumnavigating the globe using only human power the whole way. something like 46,000 miles. started in he only listed a couple of low points, but one was getting run over by a car in the UNITED STATES when he was roller blading and both of his legs getting broken in the deal. he circumnavigates the whole world and gets hit by a car here? i can't explain it...well, i can explain why this frustrates me so much. but i don't propose that it's all rational. it just really disturbs me that he goes all the way around the world and in AMERICA gets creamed. i mean, i know we have more cars than any other country, and while that might make statistical sense, i still don't find it a highlight...

this also bothers me because years back while camping at the grand canyon, my nephew makes friends with a guy who's biking across the united states with the goal of ending up in new york at the site of world trade center to commemorate september 11th. the guy stays with us a night, eats with us, trades email with my nephew, yada yada. yeah, so he doesn't finish his trip because he gets hit by an eighteen wheeler IN TEXAS, and it's months before his amnesia clears up and he can get sent home to recover. (i think he was french...can't remember if he was from france or canada? i'll ask my nephew) but it really bothered me that his journey was cut short in texas. and now this other guy's journey gets cut short in america. i don't know that it was texas, and it occurred to me to search, but then i thought, "i don't know that i really want to know..."

ok, rant over... time to run errands. house guest sleeping, children outside waiting, mama blogging...(but for the record, my running shoes really were awesome today....)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

sunday comings and goings

yawn, i am so tired tonight... it's been a weekend. :) we went out to dinner with some friends last night. after we painted our entry hallway. it's a beautiful color...i remember really liking the colors i painted my previous house, but i really, really love this color. it is called milk chocolate...yes, i think every woman i know will love it... ;) so we finished it up today and started another small hallway. well, we didn't actually finish the entry way because there's a wall that had wallpaper on it. i removed it and then N started texturing and, well, then things got messy. so we'll try again tomorrow.... THEN the entry way will be finished.

i mowed the front yard and the backyard today. it was to make up for the completely fat and calorie laden dinner i gorged myself on last night (with friends, remember? haha). i also raked the backyard and managed to get the leaves on the compost pile. N weed whacked the ivy beds against the back fence--little baby trees try to grow up all over the place in ivy beds if you don't weed whack them. so the backyard looks very nice. it's very exciting, but i wish we had someone to share that beauty with. i guess we'll just have to drink it all in ourselves.... (but it would be nice to have someone to share with) we invited baby s over tomorrow, but he has fever tonight, so he can't come. :(

i have to run the errands that aren't fun and no one wants to run tomorrow. post office, ups store, drug store for anti-fungal drops for fizgig. yuck. but i'm giving the kids a holiday, so we better get some stuff taken care of.

there have been many things going on lately and my phone rang much friday evening. but it's too hard to try to concentrate on one just doesn't come naturally on sundays. later on in the week, i'll begin processing.

oh, and i got new running shoes. it is hard to buy new running shoes, because i refuse to buy what doesn't feel good, but honestly, i have to like how they look, too. there are so many damned running shoes that are pink and white right now. for women!!! i mean hello? i am not six anymore.... but pink and white, hot pink and white, hot pink, platinum, and white...gag. i think N was kind of frustrated with me but i've been wearing dallas cowboy cheerleader running shoes for the past year and a half, and i want something i won't be embarrassed to be caught wearing. (not that i ever thought about it with the blue, silver, and white shoes i'm retiring, but what if i START to care?...) i also bought myself some "running" socks. i'm not sure if they'll make me go faster, but i do hope they'll help me hurt less... (crossing my fingers, and my eyes for good luck)

i need to go wash my hands. i did some long overdue repair work on a blanket s has had since he was a baby that my aunt made him. since i still can't find my sewing machine, i did it on my 1968 singer, which has dust on it from probably about 2001... but it still worked. i think i'm going to clean it tomorrow and oil the belt and start using it on some of the stuff i've been wanting to do since i got here. at least until i find my newer machine. but to do that, i've got to finish unpacking and to do that, i've got to finish painting... the little dominoes i line up in my head...hehe

peace out

Friday, October 5, 2007

keep chugging forward (alternative title: i think i can, i think i can...)

i was pretty sore after my run yesterday. the arch in one of my feet and both my knees were a little achy. which was really bothering me, but then i talked to house guest about it (he runs...way more than i do) and he thinks i just need some new running shoes. whew, that is so much easier than, say, new knees and stuff, you know? (i've been running for a couple of years and always with the same shoes...maybe i should learn a little about this, think?)

today's our day off from school work. we work a four day week, and i have quite a few things to catch up on today. but one thing i've been thinking about this nonviolence, pacifism, peace.... we were reading our history learning about the ancient indian city of mohenjo-daro and how it just disappeared. no one knows what happened. here's this huge settlement of ancient civilization, pretty advanced, i mean we're talking toilets, bath houses...but no one's struggling to be lord of it all. they're independent cities, etc... so much isn't written, i suppose, because as we learned while covering the ancient middle east and egypt, most of what was written was by the servants or scribes of kings or gleaned from monuments resurrected in their honor. anyway... we had just spent eight chapters on the ancient middle east and egypt and there was just this one little chapter on ancient india, and it just struck me, how different it was from the wars and military dictators and hammurabi and whatnot of the previous chapters. made me think of gandhi. i'm reading a book called "chasing vermeer" with the kids now, but i think i'd like to find a gandhi autobiography next.... because i think the chapter on india impressed them too.

there was this little blurb at the end of the chapter saying maybe they--this be those indians in aforementioned paragraph--were overtaken by another group (whose name escapes me right now). but no one knows....and in this realm of "no one knows", the only thing this particular book threw out there was maybe they were overtaken because they didn't unite (and i admit it's my presumption that the book meant unite to fight back)? kind of bothered me. but i didn't say anything about it. then, my thirteen year old says, "seems if there was a war, there would've been weapons and they would've found them and then they'd know. i think they probably died of some disease." and i thought, "yeah!" :) but i didn't say anything. because, well, the book said they didn't know...and i didn't want to screw up the message of that.

anyway. i've never been much for fighting. there are certain arguments i'll get into, but unless it's my spouse who i have to spend a few more decades with, i just don't go there usually. i try really hard to maintain a belief in human integrity and dignity. i did not grow up in a household that praised these values. in fact, i often call myself a marshmallow, because that's kind of how these beliefs were viewed in my family--as kind of wimpy. i am not perfect in my trying to match my life with my ideals, but that's what life's about, right? striving...

i have to talk about my kids for a minute... n has been a really sweet teenager the past few days. i guess this is just part of the roller coaster we'll ride with him the next few years, and if you ever needed a push toward non violence, parenting a child who's growing physically larger than you can sometimes be the "check" that helps you get there... :) but he's a lot more hungry for interaction and it's a lot more pleasant these days. s is still so gentle a spirit, and so creative. he's been drawing for awhile. i should spend a little time on the floor with him just drawing.... o is still all dimples and a huge brain. but he also shows a more sensitive side that N and i love. one of the mamas on my mama board pointed out a way to look at o's handwriting that sees it as more a product of his creativity than his lack of motivation. it was interesting and i appreciated her insight. and e still amazes me. he just came to me and said, "i poured my cereal in my bowl by myself, but the milk is too heavy to lift. can you help me please?" all with the big smile... they are precious friends...


Thursday, October 4, 2007

speaking from the heart and trying something new

i wasn't really sure what i was going to post about this morning... i got up early, checked my email, read the daily blogs, went to the mama forum i'm a part of and caught up on reading. i've made coffee, the kids have had cereal. the day's going...

one of the blogs i read, written by a wanderer, had a you tube clip of a song by pink called "dear mr. president." i don't know if she knows this, but the indigo girls sing back up on the studio version of that song. i watched the video. i had heard the song before, but it really is a song that catches a new part of you each time you hear it.

and that reminded me of being at the indigo girls concert with my sister and my friend and her partner. amy ray sang a song i'd never heard before because it was on her solo album called prom. it was a very powerful song, so i went and searched you tube to see if they had a clip of it, and lo and behold, they do. so here's the trying something new....i'm going to try to make it available on here...let's see how this goes...

ok, i think that worked. so enjoy...i've been encouraging my little sister to pursue a relationship with amy ray, but she's not sure she's amy's type. (darn) i think amy's a pretty passionate, intelligent woman and when my sister and i heard her sing this song, it was awesome, emotional, liberating, and heavy all at the same time. i think mostly when i hear something so beautifully written, i just feel grateful someone found the words... (so i guess amy's the one speaking from my heart she speaks from hers, of course)

and i'm gonna leave with this. after all this learning, i'm exhausted....haha

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

one more little thing...

i'm sitting here looking for good illustrations of citadels to further a history discussion we started yesterday... e came in and is having this whole dialogue, imaginary playing with something. i look over, and he's playing with a small piece of paper in the shape of a triangle, probably left over from yesterday's handwriting cutting activity... anyway, i'm touched and a bit envious of how he can be inspired and creative with just that tiny little piece of paper...and i'm proud of him, too. but then it makes me think of how i can be so hard on myself for my own creativity... (NOT that it's all about me, but it was a passing thought) mostly, i think for me, my kids give me an arena to appreciate some of the things i've forgotten how to appreciate...whether it's in the world or in myself. and i know it has to do with loving them the way mamas love their kids... anyway, they're my greatest teachers, my children, and i will always be grateful to them for that... (now, whether i actually TELL them this before they're, say, 25...i just don't know if that would be wise...hehe)


the strangeness of my mind

we've been listening to this cd in the car's arlo guthrey and pete seeger and it's called precious friend. i think it's a tribute to their friend, lee hays, who died. but i'm not 100% on that... anyway, n's been really interested in it. there's a song written by lee about

"if i die before i wake,
all my bone and sinew take,
put me in compost pile
to decompose me for awhile.

worms, water, sun will have their way
returning me to common clay.
all that i am will feed the trees
and little fishies in the seas.

when radishes and corn you munch
you may be having me for lunch.
and then excrete me in the end
chortling "there goes lee again."

i think it's probably pretty obvious why n and i like this song so's brilliant. we've always liked this song. but i could see this last go round with the cd, he was listening to all the songs. like, we talked about how sad "circle" is...(will the circle be unbroken?...) he sang along with "if i had a hammer"...and he loves this gardening song, "inch by inch, row by row..." my teenager, listening to old guys singing folk songs. my faith in the universe has been restored for a bit....

so residency and with an intern and a med student....frankly, it's like having two husbands...only i don't have to be sure our house guest's "needs" are taken care of...hehe yesterday was a little better. i just have to pace myself...can't afford to burn myself out too soon because no one's really going to notice or have much to help if i need it, ya know?

i bought myself a hat and bag yesterday from a mama who knits. when i caught a glimpse of how stretched thin we were going to be this month, i decided to undergo a bit of "preventative therapy." it's a really good feeling to buy something from a person you know made it. because not only are you getting "stuff", you're supporting a person. it's just a much better experience for me than, say, going to target and spending ten dollars on a couple of cool pairs of socks... it felt good...

so today, we'll get our school stuff done, clean up a bit around here, garden a bit, and eat well. i'm going to try some tuna muffins that i got a recipe for off my online mama group. (raising eyebrows up and down, up and down) we'll see how they are received.... (the muffins, not the mamas)

peace out

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

just some randomness and a dream

having a house guest has been fun. it's a bit of a disadvantage when your spouse is doing his residency and the house guest is working on a rotation for their last year of med school. you kind of cook and clean and stuff, and then they come home, eat, and go to bed...woo hoo.... :)

last night i remembered this story N used to tell about his family when they would go out to eat pizza and one of his siblings--he's the youngest of five, i can't really remember which but i think it was a sister--would save all their pepperonis at the restaurant in a napkin to eat them on the way home in front of the other siblings, who of course didn't have any because they ate it when they ate their pizza... i remembered this story because when i feed my dogs, tallulah snarfs down everything as fast as she can...not that i think she is really in control of how fast she eats. but she's like a hoover... miss kitty, on the other hand, eats really, really slowly. so last night, when i put a little bacon grease on their food, well, tallulah snarfed quickly, but then she also had to lick the bowl out extra. miss kitty still wasn't finished when it was time to go in, so i just put her bowl in her kennel....

when i was on the treadmill yesterday, i was thinking again... my treadmill says i typically burn about 200 calories each time i run...more if i run longer. (i know, i know, we've already talked about my bullshitting treadmill...but it makes me think...) so, i started thinking about how gradually we put weight on in life. it's rarely like we just dump a few thousand extra calories regularly, and then pow, we have saddlebags. how it's probably just a gradual increase in calories until we eventually realize we no longer fit the pants that have gotten too snug. so, if all i'm decreasing my calories by is the 200 or so i'm working off...well, i was thinking it still might be another ten years before i fit into those damn pants again....

there was more stuff i wanted to dump here this morning. last night i was so wiped out and my brain just kept showing me all these great pictures it had drawn and i kept saying, "yeah, that's great, i'll blog about it tomorrow" but then, i had this really long, really coherent and cohesive dream last night that i want to put down before i forget it...

i dreamt there was some deal with our neighbors across the street. we lived across the street from some of my brothers' friends...but not my brothers. anyway... i guess the back story (i so rarely have dreams that come with their own back story, because remember, none of this is real) would be that n had started hanging out with these neighbors, and while he didn't exactly seem to like them very much, the fact was, he still hung out with them. oh, and there was a creek they could walk to and hang out at. now, i don't remember what caused the drama, but for some reason, he was over there, he called, and said they were hurting him. for some reason i knew they were going to put thumbtacks under his finger nails, but i don't remember why i knew that, and again, i cannot remember why. so i send N over there. i'm like, "don't wait for a reason, i don't care if it doesn't make sense, they are going to hurt him and go now!!" so he goes...and i'm on the phone with the police. i want an officer to go over there and talk to those people and i want an officer to come here so i can make charges or whatever. and the woman i speak to is very nice...she listens and supports me while i wait to see if my son is ok. then he and N get back home and she and i hang up. i'm hugging n, etc. he has some band aids on his fingers. he says it was just two fingers. he then says something about the dad "boning" him, which i don't understand and the best help N gives me is, "it's what it sounds like" which i just don't get. and i ask him when did the dad do this? and he says while they were taking a nap.... which thoroughly confuses me... i'm like, "when were you taking a nap over there today?" and then i don't recall the exact conversation after that, but the whole thing turns into this thing where basically, n lied, they didn't torture him or hurt him...he hurts himself...and was afraid we'd be mad, so made this up to explain his damaged fingers...he's pretty brave facing this unveiling of his lie. i'm stunned. really, really stunned. then i start losing it a little, but not like mommy-dearest like, and i ask him if he realizes there are police officers on their way over to take his statement and talk to the neighbors about this thing that he made up that was really terrible... that's about all the dream i remember. it was long....

i don't know if that was inspired by a story i read in the bill cosby book about how he dealt with his son's lying that really impressed me or what? but i wanted to get it down so i could just see what i think about it later.

ok, i've had no coffee and my fingers are tired...

Monday, October 1, 2007

and the moon teaches her lessons...

i go outside every night to feed my dogs and look at the stars. i guess some nights i just notice the stars, or glance up...maybe acknowledge the stars. but there are many nights that i really look at them. first of all, there are much better stars here than where i used to live. and second of all, even though there are lots of trees, i have a really nice opening to see the stars through in my backyard...

so anyway. for the last week, the moon has been really bright. well, the harvest moon was a few days ago, so i mean BRIGHT...full....huge....made shadows of the trees. it was so bright i kept imagining getting a "moonburn"...i could practically read by it. and it really made feeding the dogs easy, which i didn't realize until last night, when the moon was wwaaaaayyyyy on the other side of my house and really tiny and dull. and i walked outside to a pretty dark yard, had to walk to the side yard to let the dogs out, and then feed them, when i could barely see them. it was kind of annoying and i was thinking, "geez, where's the moon?" so i realize in my head that harvest moons are special because they are not up every night and that i need to get ready for some darkness again. so i sit in my chair while they're eating, look up at the dark sky, and POW! the stars hit me, and i am weepy and appreciative and amazed and awed. and i laugh. because when the moon is so bright, you cannot see the stars. and so go the seasons of life... i'm always looking at the parts of life that i don't care for, but last night, i could so easily see the worthy, wonderful parts of the phases of the moon. the brilliance before her when she's bright and the brilliance behind her when she's not...

luckily, i am still a student and madly scribbling my notes as she teaches...