Friday, February 29, 2008

can i just say

that i love the last day of the month? when all the post titles get sucked up under and just turn into the month heading and i have a whole new month, completely blank underneath. (i am speaking of the lists on the side of the screen)

it's an interesting passage of time-o-meter.... when there's this long list over there, i'm thinking, "geez, just get the month over with already..." but that's kind of negative, i suppose. i should look at it as stuff i've worked through maybe...things that've happened, music i've listened to.

i am really enjoying my anne lamott book. and i'm looking forward to meeting her next month.

ok, that's all i got. i guess i'm just thunk out...ha!

Thursday, February 28, 2008


driving around, doing today... some music i've been listening to that i can find on you tube...

the first one's a cover of winter solstice originally done by a group i think is called the tea's just guitar. i always tell my kids they can find me in heaven by following this sound... ;)

and then this one... the ballad of john and yoko always makes me dance, even when i'm driving

this one always makes me tear up...sade nailed it, i think

last one...chris isaak making me want to dance, but i resist...mostly

all these songs were on my friend thalia and her husband's wedding cd. it was hilarious. there's also one called "stop talking about comic books or i'll kill you" but you tube didn't have a video of that one?... (shrug)

ok, now i'm at the sitting part of my day...and it's not nearly as interesting, audio-wise, as the driving part was.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


i go outside at night. i receive things from the stars...the sky...the moon...the clouds. tonight it was clear and the stars shone like clear. it made me think of the days i used to want diamonds to wear, and here was a whole sky full of them. silly me...

i have something boiling in me. not an angry boil, like when i forget i'm boiling water and it's almost all gone and there's just this thin layer of water, all moving, so quickly, so frantically. well, it kind of feels that way. but it's not that. maybe it's more like a night sky when a front blows in...moon trying to glow, stars trying to shine, clouds moving all over the place, the wind howling...

i ignore my intuition sometimes. it often screams at me to write...i guess a communion of myself, my thoughts, words. an outlet for so much of what moves in me. but i think i tend not to do it when the words are not concrete, have no ending, no resolution. it's so frustrating to see it all end in a answers.

but tonight i write. and there are still no answers. but the sea goes on. the night still falls. tomorrow, i will see the morning come. i have to get up early to send n on his way. he's going with his dad to help out in his grandfather's pharmacy. he's very proud of this. i know that because he told all the kids at his chess club today. i'm proud of him, too. and so is his dad.

there are many things i still need to get done. it occurs to me there will always be things to be done. what a drag...(smile)

sometimes all i want to do is think. and take a hot bath. and lay in cool, clean sheets...reading to my kids, laughing, smiling.

and sometimes all i want to do is do. make new cages for my rabbits, bathe my dogs, paint my living room and bedroom, organize crap, plant a garden.

tomorrow, i guess i'll do a little of both. and then i'll see what the sky holds for me tomorrow night. and maybe drink a glass of wine. and then maybe take that bath after i hold my children and smile at them.


ps--a new baby girl made her way into the world tonight. something in her birth stirred something in me very was truly a beautiful and natural entrance...guided by a secure and loving mama and papa. i'm inspired by their faith...that's her middle name...but i didn't mean it that way. well, not the first time i wrote it. but i am inspired by both their faith and their faith. peace mama moon...

copping out, sort of

life can be difficult when you are an intuitive person. when your understanding of things comes in waves, shiftings of the energies in you, emotions following, peace landing. and then oftentimes, as soon as you try to put words to it, the ripples start and the image fades. it can be frustrating to say the least....

i believe it is best to try to find a peaceful solution. i believe in slogans like, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world" and "when the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace." i know these are not very strong sounding quotes, but TRY requires a lot of strength to live this way. i think my sons think of them as kind of feminine, but i know my husband lives them as well, so maybe not.

when trying to explain my feelings about peace, though, i often get clouded with wanting to change the other person's perspective, or, just wanting to be right. even though i know it isn't productive or even respectful of the other person. i just believe so deeply in peace that i have a hard time understanding how others might not feel that way...which i DO understand, really, i do. i even understand that the other person feels just as strongly in their beliefs, and i honestly have no desire to hurt or be disrespectful to anyone...i really do know these things....just not in that moment, you know?

because i am not perfect. i often get angry and often say angry things. i am full of a tension right now as my body struggles to find a balance between my needs and the needs i am responsible for fulfilling in others...either because i took on that responsibility or because, get this, i WANT to be responsible for them. (yeah, i have not seen my the-rapist in over two weeks)

so here's my cop out. i've been thinking a lot about these feelings of mine...the core ones and then all the others that get so wrapped around them and make it hard for me to remember what the hell even started this line of thinking?... so i read last night. yeah, big surprise, i read some of anne lamott's new book, grace eventually. there have been some essays i really, really enjoyed in there. but one of the ones i read last night, i knew i had read before, even though i forgot how amazing it was. so i'm going to post a link to it here. if you're interested, check it out. it's a great story and it speaks a lot to what i think i'd say if i ever could get the words to come out clearly.

we have a sort of busy day today. i hope to get a number of things done this week. i think it would really help me to lighten up some if i i will.

ps--oh, and happy birthday to my father in law! he's going home from the hospital today...quite a gift, hey? well, that and that whole surviving his heart attack last week.... he is a beautiful, wonderful man and it is greatly appropriate that i would post about peace on his birthday (although i didn't exactly plan it this way, but it is serendipitous).

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

happy birthday and hoping

happy birthday to mama lanatron! she is such a gentle woman with such wisdom...i am glad to know her. hope breakfast in bed was good... <3

ok, left foot, right foot...time for some forward motion. i'm thinking of this song in the ramona books by beverly clearly. ramona's dad would sing it...well, he didn't make it up. it was "high hopes"...but he'd make up verses...i loved it. anyway, here's a clip of old blue eyes singing it...
peace and good days to everyone...

Monday, February 25, 2008

meme from hoperadio

i just realized i never put a space in hoperadio...i think it's because dh calls her "hoperado" like the eagles' song...i from this point forth, i will put that space in. (there--i've declared it)

so here's a meme from hope radio....

After is fine.

It doesn't matter....if i can explain a concept...learning to live it takes a lot more time.

In, the family is not eating a bag of potato chips.

My mother always said...not to lie. which is why i'm so confused by her sending me an email forward and saying she didn't take the time to check snopes because it sounded so true....which it wasn't. but i also hope she isn't pissed off at me for telling her so...(relationships with mothers are so complicated....sometimes i wish i could just be the dad)

There are times...i think i have it all figured out and then awareness returns and i get back to work.

At the wake...up call, i will be grumpy.

Consideration brings...headaches.

In 1986...i was twelve. i do not ever want to be twelve again.

Don't laugh but, seventh grade, a maxi pad fell down my pants leg and onto the floor of my texas history class. it still makes me feel nauseous to talk about it. (it's ok if you laugh but i think maybe now you understand why i don't ever want to return to twelve a little better....)

Without hesitation...i'd give you a hug if you needed it.

Ordinarily, I never...paint my toe nails but in this case...i won't either. i was just having a hard time thinking of something i'd never do. i did look at nail polish today for a few seconds, though.

I was driving to...the austin half marathon the other day and I...really thought i was going to throw up. it was nerves.

If I ever...get out of debt, i think my headaches will get better or maybe even go away.

In my mind...the world is a really good place and people are really good...don't fuck with it. (snort)

weebly wobbly

when i was a kid we had these toys called weeble wobbles. my sister had cars and a whole house for them. they were neat. egg shaped plastic things with faces under the plastic surface. like people. always ended up upright. and i mean sister and i used to try to get them to stay laying down a lot.

so the fun part of weeble wobbles (besides saying it) was watching them move, because once they were still, they were like any other little people-ish toy. i loved flicking them and watching them rock, a pendulum. til they found their center and quit moving.

i am not a weeble wobble...although if you took my legs off, i'd be remarkably shaped like one. but i don't have a center that keeps me from moving...i am always rocking, swaying...inside, outside....literally, figuratively. well, not in my sleep.... anyway... i am feeling pretty emotional still. but also wanting to get on with regular old boring life... appreciative and petty, generous and self-centered, understanding and intolerant, like i'm part of something huge and like i'm the center of the freaking universe...all at the same time. weeble....wobble.....

i'm alright...i'm not. i guess the average is somewhere in between.

i love my kids. and my husband...well, i know he's a good person.....even when he makes me kind of crazy. and i'm going to finally plant my seeds for my garden i will plant this spring. these things i know...i'm fairly solid on them. kids, spouse, and trinity for the day, i guess...


Saturday, February 23, 2008


so i'll be gone for a little while. it's time for us to do our part in the family healing circle of support, and the hospital says it's easier for N to do his part starting tomorrow (translation: it's easier for them to cover his absence starting tomorrow and not later). which is fine. i'm amazed by and grateful to the hospital and its support of my spouse during this time of family emergency.

and we homeschool, which is another good thing, because that allows us to travel together without disrupting our lives.......well, with minimal disruption.

i am worried about our dogs, but since we live in the same town as family for the first time in four years and that family lives less than five minutes away, i'm sure the dogs will be alright, too.

and i rescheduled my the-rapist appointment, which was a little hard to do, but that'll be fine, too. i'll see her soon after my return, i'm sure...

i feel kind of like a baby because i am stressed and feel overwhelmed by all of this. and somewhere in my head, i think that's selfish of me. that this isn't about ME, it's about my FIL and my HUSBAND....and everyone else but me. and i think that's where i go wrong. because i act as though my needs and feelings don't matter and i ignore them. and well, that pisses me off. so last night, i tended myself. i let my thoughts register as complete sentences, i didn't cut myself off or tell myself what i "should" do or "should" feel. i told myself it was ok to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. and to act in ways that were sensitive to that. i don't have to do everything for everyone else right away. i can take my time, thus ensuring something gets done with perhaps enough sanity left over to do a little more...rather than burning it all up doing one thing quickly and all the mind jabber and stress that comes with it.

i like meditative breathing. it's not about exerting control over's about surrendering to the natural rhythm of things....trusting my body, trusting my universe. i still have a long way to go...and frankly, i HOPE it's a long way to go....i don't want to be done too soon...but there is a lot of light on this path, if i can just stay on it.

my husband said last night that he just hopes his dad is able to live out whatever life he has left happily. he said he didn't care about trying to make him stay for a long time, he just wanted him to be happy for however long it was. i thought that was beautiful. but i honestly have to say, that by the look on my fil's face over the last five years, i think he's already there. and that fills me with giddiness for some reason. like wow, he was happy, had a heart attack, and still gets a little longer. i hear so much about the cruelty of the universe at times...but that seems pretty damned generous to me. sign me up! oh wait...i think i already am...

these thoughts are so mind is just like that right now. i am grateful for the people who've been supporting me and my family through, well, through life. last night i talked to a good friend while my jesus candles were burning, faith music was playing, i was wearing my bracelets and necklaces with stones from different mama friends, different places i've been. i have this whole shrine of the world and it's goodness that i build around me, on me, hopefully in me. it all seems so silly at times. but last night, i felt so securely anchored by the love and wisdom that i've come into contact with, that i knew there was nothing silly about it. and if a tornado came and blew it all away tomorrow (which would fucking suck because i wouldn't be here but that's another deal), i know there's enough in the universe to replace it. beautiful...


Friday, February 22, 2008

some catching up

first of all, i am a saturated sponge. touch me, and water will come out. it's just the way it is. i'm not having choice in this matter... well, other than i can choose who i share space with...sort of.

i still feel amazing i could do anything. which isn't true because i got on my treadmill last night and could only jog for a few minutes and walk the rest. but i still feel like i could...eventually, i guess...but i'm not worried about it. which is also a little different for me. i guess when you know you can do something, you're not always so paranoid about proving it (to yourself or others).

my father-in-law had a heart attack two days ago. it was a really surreal morning. it started out with a cuddling/waking up session that included all of my sons, which is rare. (thirteen year old usually isn't interested in attending, go figure, but he played along that morning, and that was really wonderful.) then i decided i didn't feel like doing "traditional school work", so i gave them magazines and small poster boards and told them to do something with those and some scissors and glue. then my mil called to tell me fil was in the e.r. getting an ekg and could i call my dh and give her bil's new cell number. twenty minutes later, fil was having a heart attack and being transferred to a hospital with a cardiac cath lab. two hours later, we had bil in the car and were on our way to our home town.

my fil is fine. well, as fine as someone can be after a heart attack. he owns a pharmacy that has been a part of its community for over three decades. he is the main pharmacist and there's another pharmacist who works a little relief there, too. my mil runs the store, for the most part. all of dh's siblings and dh himself grew up in that store and have worked in it, first at the counter and later as pharmacists themselves. it's like another sibling for them, sort of. and while everyone is trying to focus on fil healing and getting better, there's also this other sibling that is demanding their attention as well. it's quite a split issue, both sides needing almost full attention. not a lot of emotional energy to spare, but not an end in sight, either.

i feel like i'm over-dramatizing this, well, partly because i am pms-ing and my hormones are a little extreme. but it's also been a really hard week for my husband and i've been trying really hard to support him and love him. this is his dad. and i can't imagine what i would feel like if it was my dad. it makes me tear up just to think about it. so i think since he's at work, it's my chance to be emotional and just kind of sit for awhile, too. so i think there's a lot of that going on for me... but dh's siblings can also get pretty tense when emotions are high...well, they can get pretty expressive in their emotions, i guess. i just feel tense because i hope they can stay nice with one another. and i know that is adding to my stress too... and i need to take my vitamins again.

things will be fine. my fil will be ok. he will not be running the pharmacy or participating in his seniors tennis league for awhile. he may never get back to the tennis, to be honest. but i think he will be around longer, smiling at events and making us laugh while he sleeps sitting up, and reminding us to be humble and not ignore people, and to be kind, devoted, loyal, take ourselves seriously, but not too seriously. to do what makes sense and work hard. to show up, no matter how late we are.

my husband will be ok, too. all of us will be, for that matter. it's funny how my fil had a heart attack the week after my first half first experience of really being in a sea of something so much bigger than myself, physically...and so positive, too...although i will freely admit that having my sister to walk next to made it easier to notice this because i felt safe with her. i was also supported by a group of mamas i only know online, and that really widened my circle of awareness, as well...and gratitude. it was really humbling to receive so much encouragement when all my life, i've hungered for it. i suspect i've long received it, just not realized it for what it was. and to succeed? well shit, that was icing, you know?

so while the world isn't all about me, i do think i have been better able to love and support my husband through this really hard time because i received so much love and support really does keep going forward, you know? all we have to do is allow ourselves to experience it. and when we're really hard-headed, running thirteen miles is a good way to wear your mind down well enough to allow your spirit to really dive in and soak it up.

so thank you so much to all who raised me's an amazing journey of enlightenment we are all on and i think the world is a little lighter for all of you. in his hospital bed, the look on my fil's face was the lightest of all...

Monday, February 18, 2008

there is so much i want to say...

but it won't be today.

i'm recovering today. i'm sore, but it's surprisingly manageable. really, it's just my calves and my shins. the rest of my body...maybe it's still numb... :)

so i'm resting...doing a little looking up of stuff on the internet, reading some of the new anne lamott book i bought this weekend. (she's going to be signing her book at a barnes and nobles in austin next month....i almost peed myself....i'm gonna go SEE her....don't know if i'll talk to her, but i'm gonna SEE her....creepy, stalker-type laugh)

this whole experience brought me so much. talking about positive energy the past few weeks...i think moving forward for thirteen miles really shifts something internally in a very positive way. but i still need some time to process this.... but there is so much i want to write about it. just so i don't forget it. (well, until next november, when i run the san antonio half marathon because i'm all addicted like that now...)


Sunday, February 17, 2008

we did it!

in three hours and eleven minutes, my sister and i ran 13.1 miles. check out whatever you can find on the austin marathon was historic for that marathon. it was a sea of people. it was awesome. and it was a blast. the people were so kind, the town was gorgeous, the company was, well, excellent.

it was the best thirteen mile party i've ever attended...

whew... :)

Saturday, February 16, 2008

last day

counting down...i am woman, hear me roar... ok, how about roar? working up the courage....

i am going to be fine...probably better than fine. (but i'll settle for fine, if the universe is listening and feeling a little testy right now)

we're staying the night in austin...will be home tomorrow. wish me luck!


Friday, February 15, 2008

countdown...two days to go

and i am starting to feel a little nervous. i got my super woman running tights today...i'll try them on a little later.

i am watching my nephew today. he is so cute. it changes a lot in my house to have such a cute little one here for the day. he's a lot of fun.

i am also pretty tired today. got up early to get ready for already mentioned nephew. i just warmed the last of today's coffee in the microwave....desperate times, hey?

i slipped a bit in my positive thoughts last night. but i caught myself slipping...i mean, i was aware of it. not that i immediately turned things around or anything. but i breathed through it all and, well, i'm still here today, right? (i'm starting to think that's the pay off...which makes me wonder what i thought it was going to be? i mean, really...)

ok, off to play

Thursday, February 14, 2008

countdown...three days til run time

and happy valentine's day! <3

some of my favorite sweetheart-ish songs...

this song makes me think of all the males i live with...

of course, an indigo girls song...and one i've listened to since high school...

and then this last song would be my valentine to everyone who happens onto my blog to read it. i really like this song because it captures a moment of beauty and i think life is made up of a lot of those. we just have to be aware of them and remember them...make room somewhere in us to hold onto them...maybe even toss out some of the negative things we let hang around to find the space. many of us have some major chords of love and beauty that we play all through life, but that doesn't make these notes any less important or sustaining...not just to each of us, but to the whole spirit of, well, love. so happy valentine's corny as it may sound, you really are all beautiful.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

some thoughts i just need to get out...

so first of really bothers me that i'm calling it a countdown to the half marathon, but then i count UP...hello? so...i guess that makes today countdown day....uhm....four. well, that's kind of weird. but tomorrow will be three (again), ok? follow? this is just something i've been thinking about and need to do for myself.

and then there's that whole "what's in a name" post that i didn't wrap up too well. because i really have been thinking about it a lot. see, this guy left some not-too-nice posts on a friend's blog. well, it started out not-too-nice and then quickly progressed to pretty-freaking-vicious. which is fine... i mean, it's not, but i'm familiar with nastiness and am able to blow it off okgoodnuff. but this guy was saying he was being vicious and nasty in a desire to save help this promote positive action via anger, or something like that. which really struck a nerve for me. helping someone by hurting them... that has never, in all my life, made sense to me.

this guy said he was doing this out of a strong commitment to what is right. individualism vs. collectivism. he was trying to liberate this friend out of the bondage of her common friendships with everyone else... he really seemed to see himself as a trailblazer and, in a smaller sense, a messiah. he seemed to think he alone delivered the message of truth and happiness and freedom from depression, anxiety, low self esteem, fear, self loathing... but the thing is...he also seemed to be the only one who had the answers. no where in the things he said did i see him saying anyone else could know what might lead them on a brighter, lighter path. he held all the answers himself and if everyone would just do as he says, i guess the world would be a better, stronger place? i don't know.

i admire someone willing to stand up for what they believe in. i admire someone willing to go against the pack, if they feel that's necessary. because i know it can take a visionary to move a population out of a status quo that hurts or is wrong. but i also know there's a difference between leaders like gandhi and, say, david koresh. or jesus christ and charles manson. and i think it lies in what they ask of others, how and why they ask it, and the example they provide in their own lives.

i don't think this guy, or any of those guys, are necessarily bad people. but i do think that sometimes people get caught up in primarily fulfilling their own needs, and make bad decisions in meeting those needs. i think some people, for whatever reason, don't develop a sense of empathy or even respect for others, outside of those others' abilities to meet that primary person's needs. it's not always criminal, a least not in a judicial sense... but it is something that i've often tried to understand, wrap my brain around... maybe getting this out will let me move on to the next level of understanding?...

and the half marathon... i stood in poison ivy yesterday. accidentally, of course. i quickly washed my feet off with this stuff called tecnu and am hoping for the best. and i ran seven miles yesterday. which was a lot of work. my treadill cuts itself off after 100 minutes...thank god. my knees are a little sore this morning, but my knee supporting running tights are scheduled to get here friday, and i just can't even convey how happy that makes me. so i think i can do this. oh, and you burn over 1100 calories running seven miles....yeah, i think i really might have run off half my ass...woo-hoo!

kids are good, spouse is good...lots of thinks bumping around in my head...but consciously letting go of negative feelings that might come with some thoughts and allowing the rest to be neutral or even attaching some positive energy to them makes all the difference for me. thank you, thank you, thank you...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

what's in a name?

i guess the alternate title could be countdown day three...

so what's in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.

shakespeare was right and i've been pondering this for a few days now... when someone hurts someone else and calls it helping, does that change anything? if we think we're human and someone calls us something less, does that change anything? well, i think it does....usually. but then what are we left with? what do you call that?

my sister loves her ex-girlfriend. her ex-girlfriend has a new girlfriend. my sister still has a vision in her mind of what could still be for them. and i hate watching her hurt... i want to tell her to replace that vision with something else...not to think about it. kind of like replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. but i can't. because i don't know that that would be the right thing to do... is this denial? an inability to "face facts"? or is it love? loyalty that we'll all admire when they're celebrating their tenth anniversary? i don't know. it's like a has thorns...but it still smells kind of sweet, too.

and i've never been able to find a crystal ball that works for me like the ones in the movies...

at my counseling session yesterday, we talked about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. thoughts are very powerful for me...the energy they carry can shape my day, my month, my year. but then i guess it's not necessarily the energy the thoughts carry as much as the energy that they are generated by. either on shaping the thought, and you work on shaping your energy. this is powerful. i told my sons yesterday that they loved each other. that they "got" things about each other that the rest of the world probably would never "get". that they were going through some hard times, but that hard times were temporary and that their love would help them find their way to treating each other kindly and with respect and with care...even when they didn't think they felt like it. that love is a powerful motivator...and energy, but i didn't say that part.

i didn't have any doubts about using this tool with my sons in this way. i believe i need to leave them a legacy of hope and the power to carry it forward. but my sister...i'm not sure how to shape things with her...i don't really even think it's up to me. so i wished her peace and sent her my love...because those things i have zero doubt about. she's running this half marathon with me sunday. she's the one who asked me. she really gave me a chance to find something inside myself and while it hasn't been all hearts and flowers, i really appreciate this opportunity. i will return the favor one day...i will.

so what's in a name? i think it has to do with what we carry with us and send out to others. but that's about as far as i've gotten in figuring this one out... i'm ok with that. i don't know why i'm feeling so cheerful today...but i'm glad for it.

ps--a mama on my apu board posted this essay, at this address,'s about the current democratic candidates, and it says a lot of what i feel.... (so there's my warning...) :)

Monday, February 11, 2008

countdown day two a perspective tune up today. my belt was a little too loose...running a little too much on the negative side. but i tightened it. feeling much more positive. negative is temporary, right?

there's a lot i want to say. but trying to frame things positively...i'm a little nervous about attempting a whole blog entry. ba! there was an incident while i was at my appointment today, between my oldest and my third born. (i mentioned once that the first initials of their names spell "no" right?) anyway...we worked through it...quite positively, i might add. i was telling my co-parent that i think that made all the difference. it's much better than, "i'm totally disgusted by what you did and have no freaking clue where i went wrong or how it's going to get better" know? i focused on the positives...there are positives--holy moly!

my thirdborn is singing the lyrics to "iron man"...i wonder sometimes what other mamas think about my kids singing ozzy ozbourne. ok, i really wonder what i think about my kids singing ozzy ozbourne....

ok, i have a lot to do. i am thinking about a lot of friends...mostly women...that i love and appreciate and am grateful for.'s good....half marathon half shmarathon...easy shmeasy

Sunday, February 10, 2008

counting down

one week til the half marathon...

i have not felt nervous or anxious about the actual half marathon at all, until now. but this is day four of allergies/sinus stuff and, well, i'm starting to get a little nervous. (i actually got weepy a little when i opened an email that said "one week til the marathon/half marathon"...)

it will be ok. i will finish. and maybe my standards are a little low compared to the rest of the world, but at thirty-four years old, mother of four, my first steady stint at goal is to finish. if i walk some of it...that's fine by me. i expect to walk some of it. and i don't know why it bothers me that others seem to feel i haven't trained hard enough....i don't know why i even care about how i could've trained or what i should be shooting for... (maybe i'll discuss this with my the-rapist tomorrow) i'm going to be ok.

and when i finish...i'll be uber-fucking-proud.
peace out

Thursday, February 7, 2008

make room on the couch...

yeah, my second day of being thirty-four and i have a cold. or at least that's what i'm calling it. my whole inside of my face feels a little puffy and wet...and my throat feels that way, too. although nothing really "hurts"...just feels raw...and sleepy. all over sleepiness... almost so sleepy i ache.

but i still got s to his first flute lesson. and n and o to their piano lessons. (think it's significant n and o's first letters of their names combine to spell "no"? i just noticed this... they ARE the brothers that i introduce usually as "water" and "oil"...i will ponder this, perhaps in my sleep)

oh! and my dream last night... major weirdness. it was about snowboarding on a "snowboarding course" that was really just a huge pile of trash next to some water that was supposed to be frozen. so i go there, look around, slide around a little, and then end up falling in the water, which obviously wasn't frozen (and was gross)... and while pulling myself out, i pull a city garbage truck in the water...on accident, of course, but this was not some fantasy dream so i was really freaking out over pulling a city truck into the water.... it was awful. so something in my head just finally said, "wake up. open your eyes." and then i did. and it was 6:23am. which was strange because i could hear my spouse snoring next to me and i KNOW they round in the hospital at 6 or i woke him up and told him what time it was. and felt terrible for him for the next fifteen minutes that it took him to brush his teeth, brush his hair, and put on clean scrubs to run out the door. well, and he called the hospital to tell them he was on his way and his alarm didn't go off. i felt really bad for i said, for at least fifteen minutes. then i went back to sleep...

because i'm i said before. and i'm making a spot on the couch....and eating oranges and drinking hot tea. oh, and pass the neti pot, too...

ps--gung hay fat choy! (i forgot, today's the chinese new's a rat year starting today...)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

ashes, gratitude, and me

so today was ash wednesday. i like this part... comes in the winter, right when i'm starting to get those little twinges of desperation for spring. almost like the church says it for me..."oh yeah, lent is's okay i'm feeling at the end of my rope. this is where we all hold hands and pull a little tighter to make it through the rest of the winter til easter..." i'm quite grateful for it.

i'm also grateful for my family. they were quite sweet today. i got calls from sister, my dad, both moms, my nephews left me a HILARIOUS message that i loved...i talked to my nieces, too, and my bil called. my nephew, baby s, gave me his valentine he made in daycare today, my sil (and bil) gave me two books that i look forward to reading, and N gave me a kitchen aide mixer that i'm really, really excited about. i woke up feeling grateful and it's amazing how the day was this parade of why i woke up feeling that way. i'm so glad i didn't screw it up by waking up in a crappy mood.

so i'm thirty-four now. one friend sent me an email asking if i'd turned 22 and bil and sil gave me a card saying "happy 29th birthday"... these folks must think i'm going to be rich one day... i do have TWO grey hairs, don't you know? i feel a little better...a little wiser...those hairs make me feel sexier for some reason.

my prayer today? thank you, thank you, thank you , of course...

ps--and if it's your birthday today,'s something for you.

Monday, February 4, 2008


counseling day today. it was good. came home with an for real, a worksheet. and i kind of like that. i need some concrete expressions of what i'm working on. (well, besides my blog, of course) plus, i can make COPIES of this know? start a "counseling folder" or something...

there is so much i'm working on lately. so many bad habits i just let creep in and ignored... sleeping in, staying up late, slacking in the hsing department...not to mention all the mental crap i'm just trying to sort out a bit with my therapist (which N constantly refers to as "the-rapist", as in "so what did the-rapist have to say today?" i don't know...maybe we're a bit warped. and some of it i just don't think is going to get ironed out, but whatever...)

so i got up early this morning, made a decent breakfast, finished up my lesson plans and got my kids rolling on oatmeal and math (and underdog for e, but hey, i needed something that would work), so i could go do a little work of my own with my the-rapist. then i came home and we jumped right into school work. took a break for lunch. then finished up. it took us most of the, we finished around five (!!!) but it was good... we made a peace chain to remind us to pray for the folks, countries, people who need some peace. we drew posters of our family...(and they all looked quite similar, might i add...snicker) we creative journaled. and we did spelling and grammar and crap like that, too. (i already mentioned math, right?) now we're having our "leisure" time...(leisure was a spelling word today)

so i will make breakfast for dinner, run a little on the treadmill, and try to be ready for tomorrow's school day before i fall asleep. anyone want to sign up to make an energy chain and put my name on it?...

Saturday, February 2, 2008