Monday, September 29, 2008

funny stuff

but not necessarily funny/ know?

so my mom told me i was fluff last month. it really hurt my feelings, even though i know she and i have different standards about stuff... so that's old news...

well, i talked to her today, and it turns out my brother was getting ready to be sent back to prison for fourteen months. for a crime he committed right after he got out of prison the first time. which was a year and a half ago, for anyone who's counting or interested in the expediency and subsequent relevance of our judicial system to offenders who really are kind of, what's the word?...oh hell, he's my brother, i know the word....slow.

so as he's worked to get his life back on track the last year and a half...and let me tell you, i've watched his sense of time...doing the right thing for a year and a half for this guy is like five years...because it's just that hard. when he tells you he's only "slipped up" once or twice, you can be fairly certain it's more like five times. when he tells you it's been "weeks" since those slip ups, that's probably days. when it's been "months" since he's had a hit, it's probably more like a couple of weeks... i know there are patterns of behavior that are common with addicts, but my brother truly is just a little slow. (and yes, i have three brothers, and yes, they are all slow in their own way...i don't know what to tell sister and i hogged all the quickness, i guess...lucky us?...) mother was all falling apart and talking about how she hopes my brother will use this opportunity to improve his life and get on the right track... and i had to remind her that he IS on the right track...that this side trip has to do with something he did a year and a half ago. that he's still all the good stuff she's been telling me she's so proud of. i don't know...stress makes people crazy sometimes...forget the stuff they know. like, all of a sudden she was acting as though my brother did something wrong last weekend...yeah, and i wonder where my brother got this slowness...

so i counseled my mom. i loved her. i supported her. i said kind, honest, "fluffy" stuff to her. and it wasn't easy. because she really pisses me off sometimes....and when she's all stressed about my adult brother's life going wonky, like she's the center or is hard to be so fluffy, er, i mean nice to her. not that my anger changes anything. she's still my mom, i still love her, i still believe the things i said, even if i didn't want to that day...

so why am i talking about this?... because. sometimes people tell themselves you're just a nice person...maybe more evolved....more aware...fluffy. and maybe you hold tight to a belief that you should be honest...that how you treat people should be about what is true...not just what you feel when you are pissed off at them. because being pissed off at someone often says as much about your patience or self esteem or whatever as it does about their character or whatever...usually more, right? but don't think for a minute that being kind is easy. it's not. the fact that some people think it is easy for me to be nice...well, particularly as i was cussing to my sister and crying and yelling to my spouse...strikes me as kind of funny stuff.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

that place

so i just unloaded this on my spouse earlier today. it was a busy day yesterday, followed by a night where i just didn't want to be alone. but the universe lined up to make it so...everyone was busy. and that was fine. i mean, it wasn't...but i KNOW there are times in life when it is good to be quiet, to be alone, to spend time with yourself...i was just doing all i could in my power to not go along with that last night. i wasn't in the mood. didn't feel like cooperating. whatever. so i finally just read twilight...brain candy...emotional candy...and i think i have a cavity today. oh buys your ticket, you takes your chances...

so last night's's about that place....i was thinking about marriage, i was thinking about faith, i was thinking about parenting, even. i came up with this analogy about working out...

there's that place between working out hard and working through pain to reach a new level of work out vs. working out until you're in pain and hurt yourself so badly you need surgery. one kind of pain you work through, the other you should listen to, right? i mean, from this angle it's clear...but sometimes when i work out, i'm not so sure which pain it is... make a vow, put on the rings, have the party and then life continues, right? and sometimes it's good and you feel good, keeping the vow isn't so hard. then maybe it's not good, but you keep the vow and eventually it's alright. but then there are those times that things are hard for awhile...don't get good...don't even get long's too long? how long's long enough? (these are rhetorical...each person has to decide i realize...)

faith...certainly there are times that faith requires obedience to the will of a higher power in times of uncertainty. but that high power also gave us the gift of free will. and my philosophy students and i were talking about plato's cave the other day...and even they realize that sometimes it's just easier to stay in the cave....but there's that whole free will thing... husband says i like for everyone to feel good about what they're doing. he says sometimes the kids need the cold, hard truth. (which he seems uniquely able to give them, fortunately or unfortunately)

and all of this has landed on opposite ends of the same general continuum for me lately. (oh, i forgot aging, but that just has to do with realizing i'm getting older...not much of a continuum there. well, there's a continuum, but it's going in just one direction, you know? bahaha) anyway...all this continuum stuff leads me to....

balance...sigh. and here i am, feeling so out of that. but it reminds me of the email i posted a few days back and how the writer talked about the continuum being "better" and "not so better" and how you don't know which way is up because of all the variables you can't account for. and THIS is exactly how i feel today.

whew, i feel better for getting that out...

Saturday, September 27, 2008

stuff and whatnot

i have done so much cleaning since we got home from soccer today. o's team lost today...4 to 1. his team plays very's another season with a new team, so it's hard to play against teams who seem to know each other better than our newbies, but i have been impressed during both games i've been to with how well they do...well, you know, even though they've lost both games.

my two middles are spending the night with some friends tonight. that will leave me with my oldest and my youngest...which is almost perfect because i've been feeling like i'm trying to find the balance between extremes somewhat lately...

i've been thinking a lot about marriage...and love...aging...the progression of time...and the nature of god...stuff like that.

here's a song that i love and i've been thinking about a lot lately, as well. when i hear it on my cd, it makes me all teary eyed to think of this version...


Friday, September 26, 2008

someone else's words...

a response i got to see today sent to a mama second guessing herself in her decision to reminded me of a friend i know, but i also know the person who wrote this, so it just made me smile and i wanted to put it here to save... (the technological equivalent of printing it, folding the paper in half, and sticking it in the book or journal that is current for me...)

Scott Peck defines Love as being "the willingness to improve one's self for
the benefit of another".

Much though people would like to believe in right or wrong, IMHO there is no
such thing -- there's only up or down the scale of better and not-so-better,
and you often don't know which way points to "better" because there's NO way
to know all the variables. So you agonize, you second guess yourself, and
then you pays your money and you takes your chance.

And you live with the lumps be they coal or gold.

True love is tough, and leads to much soul-searching.

So while you're agonizing, ponder this:

James Arthur Ray said: "Refusing to forgive is like taking a poison and
expecting the other person to get sick".

I say the only place that really works (meaning you poison the intended
person) is when the person you won't forgive is yourself. Poisoning
yourself for making a mistake is no different than poisoning your child
because THEY made a mistake.

And finally, coal is the substance of which diamonds are made...

Hope this helps


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

gently and cautiously

so, there's a lot going on lately. life, whatnot. my head's been a pretty busy place, too. and my calendar? i'm ignoring it tonight...

i do know that times like this i would usually go wildly searching for something, make sense of it all, anchor me, stop it from happening, make it go away, make it funny, to eat, to drink, to distract me, whatever. but i'm kind of just sitting here waiting...watching...what can i say? life seems to move at the same pace whether i'm freaking out about it or not...

there's a lot i want to say...a lot i want to discuss. but some of it is so personal. and not just my personal stuff. and while i rarely use names, i still feel better to work on things on my own for a little longer until i share them...because even though the work is mine, it's often in response to things going on in the lives of those i love. i'm pretty sure they wouldn't care if i wrote about it here, but, well, i like to stress over useless let a girl have her fun.

Monday, September 22, 2008

quick check in

i am not exactly "back," but i can feel some rhythm coming back into things...thank god.

i want to post this quote in the book i just started...

Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right way--this is not easy.

yeah, that's pretty much about it...

well, and then this other quote in the book i just finished, i know this much is true, by wally lamb. man, that was a long book...almost nine hundred pages. and i don't know that what he said could have been said in less. but it was painful stuff at, so much like life. pretty much, this book was like counseling...not the kind that leaves you feeling validated and lighter, either...the kind that lets you know you still have a lot of work to do and yes, you will get around to it because it will just sit there, fucking everything up, until you do. so how's that for an endorsement? anyway, the quote...

..."That's the trouble with survival of the fittest, isn't it, Dominick? That corpse at your feet. That little inconvenience."

so, otherwise, i'm plunking along merrily...snort. hsing is happening. dh's vacation is almost over and he is almost back to work. (why is it that these times of "rest" always seem to set the agenda for the "work" to be done in the months ahead?...just wondering.) i DID get to hold my grand niece...yes, she's perfect. and her mama wears motherhood beautifully. papa does, too.
okay...i'm out of here.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

ok, let's be real

house guests for five days...

now my spouse is on vacation for a week...

my schedule is a little off. and blogging isn't getting done. mindfucking, yes. blogging, no.

the best i can offer is at least my running counter is still logging some miles, so at least i'm doing that much for my mental health. and vitamins...we're back on vitamins.

so we'll be traveling some starting tomorrow. and maybe over the weekend. dh is a little spontaneous when it comes to these things, so really, all i can "plan" is not to plan and therefore, hopefully, stay open to the joy of it all.

maybe i'll be back by next monday...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

miss me?

because i miss me a little...

i'm getting things back in order...continuing with the new normal of our lives this semester...and using the friends who stayed with us the last five days as a good excuse to do some deep cleaning.

i will say that it still catches me off guard when big shifts come in life and a big shift in the weather accompanies them. we have had our windows open for the last two days...

ok...the males in my life are giving me a a really cute, charming, LOUD kind of way...

there are many things i am thinking about blogging...maybe tomorrow will be my day.

Friday, September 12, 2008

welcome to the monkey house

i used to use this phrase to mean, "welcome to chaos"... but a friend of mine calls her kiddos her monkeys, so i feel better using this title in that context.

a friend of mine has evacuated her home, in response to hurricane ike's impending arrival, to the safety of my home. and as a result, there are now eight monkeys running around here... and it is a bit of chaos...but it's a happy chaos. and that's about all i have to say about that...

except...there are some loved ones who didn't evacuate...who stayed for work or whatever...and for those folks, i ask some prayers or protective energy.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

gentle morning

this has been an easy going morning. we each woke up on our own. i've made coffee, talked to my sister who was on her way to help my dad board up his house in anticipation of hurricane ike, caught up on email, eaten a little breakfast, hugged each of my children, talked to my niece who has the new baby, read blogs, visited the cyber tribe...

last night was a hard night for a little while. it's been awhile since i felt like i just don't know what the fuck i'm doing as a parent. and i was only there for an hour or so last night. (makes me cringe to remember how i used to spend days there...poor kiddos...poor mama.) but last night, my oldest was so angry. i mean, he'd been angry off and on throughout the day...i think i even blogged about it being kind of cute. but when they got home from rock climbing last night, he was just so pissed. i guess his younger brothers had been pretty loud in the car on the way home and it just set off something in him. he wasn't really sure what it was, either. he just said we had too many people in our house. which i understand...i feel the same way at times. it just gets too loud and i can't think straight...i get a headache. but i pointed out to eldest that he was the only person in our house who had a room all to himself... he ended up taking a shower and eating some soup that dh had made for dinner and then going to bed. and he seems more himself today. i think he slept in a little. i've seen him smile some...

it's hard to watch him get so angry and seem so lost in that anger. i don't want him to feel alone, although i guess in some ways you have to be alone in's part of what defines it at times. and i think i make him angrier when i don't just leave him alone...sometimes. sigh...nothing's always, huh? it'd be easier if it was...but it's not.

my second born son is also entering his own pre-puberty/puberty is a-coming stage. i can see it in his eyes. i know he'll handle the rush of hormones and emotions differently from his big brother. i think sometimes that's his be different from his big brother. don't get me wrong, he's a beautiful child...and i sometimes feel myself pull away from him because he is so much like me...and it's beautiful to see me reflected in someone else and horrifying all at the same time. so i try to just focus on him...not the me-ness at all. and i guess this is a motivating factor in all the ego contemplation lately.

whew, i have stopped and started this blog so many times, i'm just going to post it.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

yawn, snort, sigh

if i had a dollar for every time i've said "i'm so tired" this week...i might not be rich, but i could definitely buy dinner for my family.

i think it's something in the air. i think it's allergens of some sort that started messing with my family back when we visited my uncle's lake house. yet it continues. my eyes are dry and itchy. and my head feels achy. but otherwise, i'm doing alright. my kids are kind of grumpy, too. especially the teenager. and he's kind of cute because i think he's trying not to be a shit to everyone...but then he kind of is a shit to everyone and it blows that whole cute thing...oh well. i don't think he cares too much about whether i think he's cute or not anyway.

our cooperative went well today. two preschoolers came to my art class and participated. that was cool. particularly because neither of these two particular preschoolers do much without their mamas. and yes, their mamas were also in my class today, but hey, it's a start. and that's what's important to me. i can see the potential for these girls to be a part of things, sans mamas, say, six weeks down the line. not a definite thing...but the possibility. and possibility is an exciting thing. especially if you're in my philosophy class. which didn't go quite as well today. i don't know if i was too foggy in the head or just not well prepared enough, but it was kind of all over the place today. i do think we can sort it out some next know, once i figure out how to do that.... but the kids did have a good time with plato's cave allegory today. i thought we'd act it out, but instead decided to just read it to them and let them visualize it. i think they liked the part where they had to pretend they were chained to their chairs while they listened best.

i love the opportunity to teach in this co-op. i love that we are small enough that we can really care about each others' kids...i mean, honestly, we all know each other. most of these kids have been in my house before they were in my classroom. i've had beer or wine with most of these mamas. it's a family atmosphere and i am really grateful for that. because each class has its objectives, each child brings their gift, and each teacher cares enough about both to be gentle and not lose sight of the people we all are. after talking to a friend who teaches in a public school last night, i never appreciated all of these things in this co-op more. my friend is a good teacher. and it's odd to see what public education has done to her. not that public education is evil. not that it's the problem. just that i know what a good person and an exceptional educator my friend is...and while i realize the school year is still young...and while i realize she has more kids in her classroom than any sane person should ask another to take on...and while i realize she was just venting and working through some of the stress of the was still somewhat disheartening. and i love this woman...i truly do.

so again i find myself grateful...albeit tired at the same time.

and i'm still thinking over this whole ego thing...but i don't have much figured out, to be honest. just feeling my way through still...

Monday, September 8, 2008

lego my ego

this title makes me leggo my eggo, but different. and no, it doesn't rhyme. but it looks good...and that pleases me just as much. so what does it mean?...

i went to this lego robotics kick off event saturday. and holy moly macaroni!!! (this was my favorite saying as a kid) the possibilities...the experience...the practice...the exposure...the ability to integrate and affect a word, and there are so many things I'D like to do with it. i mean, with an opportunity like that, i could really make things happen. it's all so laid out for well many resources ready to help me change the world...

oh wait...this is not for me. this is for the five teenage and pre-teenage boys i'm, you know, the loosest sense of the word. i'm facilitating, guiding, supporting, cheering on, channeling at my most productive because energy from young men at this age...i'm telling you, it could level a small town if it isn't properly channeled. (and i happen to live in a small town, so you understand the importance of channeling...)

so as all this was coming together in my head, lego my ego became the slogan. but i have to admit that at this point in my life, lego is not the only time my ego becomes apparent and problematic. well, problematic in the sense that as i become aware of it, i kind of find it a problem how much it's running things. it is certainly humbling... but i have not practiced this enough to really know what i'm talking about...just feel it a little. still, i had to write the lego my ego post before i forgot all about it and it was lost beneath the feathers of my discarded or untended thoughts...

i also want to post some words of others than i've been rolling around in those feathers in my head, and also in my heart lately...all music, of course.

"You know, me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is I keep fucking up."

"I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. I guess I could've made it easier on myself. But I could never follow."

"I've never seemed to do it like anybody else."

"The wood is tired. And the wood is old. And we'll make it fine, if the weather holds. But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point. And that's where I need to go."

that last line has been getting me so hard lately...alternately lifting me up and making me cry. and the line before...same thing. like annie says about a friend of hers over dinner, i'm a little erratic these days.

last night's concert was wonderful. it was such a small, friendly church. we all had a really good time. and i am again grateful to be able to be a part of these women's lives...they have been so welcoming and kind, generous. and they're all so wonderful. it makes me appreciative of all the women who have become a part of my life and allowed me to become a part of theirs. i mean, the men are cool, too...they really are...but there's something about sisters...

i'll have to work more on this ego thing...if you've gotten this far and you feel so inclined...tell me what ego means to you. i'm a word whore, so the more ways i see something expressed in writing, the more i understand what it is or isn't to me...unless you think whores or bad...then you might not want to encourage me in this hobby... ;)

--had to come back to add--

ps--my friend jen has lots of cool, good luck/good karma kind of things happen to her. and i know sometimes it truly is a matter of quantity of nice things happening...but sometimes it can be a matter of awareness of those nice things happening to a person. sooooo... today, i'm on the phone with my sister and i decide to run the trash can down to the street for trash pick up. as i walk outside, the trash man is driving his truck out of my culdesac, and i mean fast... but he sees me, backs the truck up, takes the trash can from me, wheels it to the side of the truck so the truck can do its thing, then introduces himself to me, asks my name, and gives me back my now empty trash can. cool, huh?

he then followed me up my driveway to offer to take the broken television waiting to be properly disposed of at the top of it...and i admit that kind of seemed a bit like overkill to me...but i told him my husband was taking care of that and thanks. so...i know if i write this down, my chances of actually remembering it will increase. and i did think it was pretty darn cool of him to back his truck up to get my trash...'specially since he seemed in such a big hurry and all... :)

also...culturally defining movies. when we had our friends sleeping over the other night, everyone got to see the wizard of oz for the first time. (everyone but oldest, who was so terrified of the flying monkeys he hadn't seen it in ten years) then today, my kids watched the outsiders. and i was a little worried about them watching that, so i sat and watched it with them. aside from being weird seeing patrick swayze, c. thomas howell, ralph macchio, matt dillon, rob lowe, tom cruise, and emilio estevez sooooooooo long really was a good choice for them. littlest played with his piano book through most of it, but the whole "three brothers on their own...being the kind of greasers who cry...tough enough to kick ass but kind enough to take care of each other" was a cool thing for this family of four brothers... good for them to know i'm not just making shit up and trying to turn them into pansies.

ok, i am really done for the day. i swear.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

weekend full fat

because it was sooooo not lite...

this was an amazing, three really good weekends wrapped into one kind of weekend.

the kids had some friends spend the night friday night. these kids are so sweet and so, i don't know, just neat and cool and different in ways people need to be different, or something... i am a kid freak...if you could buy them, i'd have millions. i just love them. and these two were no kids LOVED having those kids over. and it was sweeter than sweet when e slept on the air mattress in mine and N's room with the eight year old girl of the give me a cavity sweet. i loved it. (did i already say that?)

then saturday morning, we were all up by seven so that n and i could attend a lego function in austin with some of his robotics team and N could take s, o, e, and those two extras to o's soccer game. N and his crew had a really good time playing and by the time n and i got home, i walked in to a house smelling of broccoli stir fry and two extras plus mama eating at my was awesome. just awesome.

then extras and mama left...and then lanatron and her kids (minus one who went to fiesta texas with daddy) came to visit. it was so cool. N was totally in his element, cooking like crazy for everyone, having a blast with it. my kids were so thrilled to see her kids. it was great, great fun. then my bil, sil, and baby s came over and by then, the slip and slide was out, the bikes were all over the front, kids were shivering and laughing and dripping and playing...what a day....what a freaking day. (i mean freaking in the "totally awesome, blow my mind away, and fill my tank for a long while" type way, of course)

so that was that. n and i just got home from robotics and i just heard N open the garage door with o and e. s is at his own robotics group and will meet us at a friend's church for her concert in an hour. the goodness just keeps coming...

if happiness were food, i'd say i'm about to pop...or i need to get on the treadmill or something...

ps---welllll, i do have this one little thing i need to add...THIS VIDEO (thank you mama whit) was one of the most necessary things i've watched in a long time (and by that i mean necessary for me...not anyone else unless they happen to feel the same way). i'm sure the same point could be made about many different politicians...but for now...well...this made me kind of happy, too, to be honest...i'll just leave the link if anyone's interested...

Thursday, September 4, 2008

busy day, busy day

we went to the robotics thing this morning for my oldest. now we've been cleaning for the sleep over we're having tomorrow, plus the friend who's hanging out here tonight. i get to go to book club (where i didn't read the book but i am so not feeling like a loser over this today...i'm just's a freaking choice and i'm choosing baby) tonight and it's somewhere where i can have a beer. (i need a "woo" emoticon here, friends)

we need to get our math knocked out and i'd like to test them into some other curriculum, too. plus, my house is a sty. we're busy folks. the house shows it....all over the place. oh, and i need to pay credit cards kill.

there's been so much going on lately...on the inside and on the outside. i can't really talk about a lot of it because it's all just wispy little thoughts...i don't have the strength today to even pretend to try to grab those geese's necks, you know?

oh! but i did run four miles on the treadmill yesterday. and i wanted to talk about that. because so often when i exercise, i think about what i can't do. or what i'm not doing... if i do thirty sit ups, i think about how i wish i could do fifty and i'm a wuss for not being able to...stuff like that. and i'm not sure why. but yesterday, i was going to run for forty-five minutes. the music i was listening to finished and i threw on the dixie chicks because i wanted to hear a few of those songs...well, forty-five minutes was going to be up before i'd heard the songs, so i just kept running a little longer. it was cool that i could do that... i guess being all appreciative for that ability made me aware of my usual state of mind when i was a small part of me that cracked open, but it was cool.

and i'm trying to hear sarah palin's speech at the rnc. it's a five parter on you tube. i've made it through the first two parts. i think i'd rather read a much of it is clapping. and i'm not sure what i think just yet...i mean, i know what my gut feelings are, but they're not something i'm ready to share. but i will say that it annoys the crap out me when people compare mccain's military service and obama's lack thereof. why republicans choose this election to focus on military experience in our commander in chief, after we've been in this war for so long, taken here by a man who couldn't even show up for guard duty...pisses me off, frankly. i think it's bullshit to act like that matters now when it didn't then. i can't tell you how many folks were incredulous that i'd voted for john kerry. and while i'm rarely a one issue voter, i pretty much was in that election. because we were in a fucking war.... and i felt like someone who'd elected to serve two tours would be a hell of a lot more likely to guide us wisely than someone who, i admit in my opinion from reading the stories in papers and online, didn't seem to take serving his country or state seriously at all. and i just needed to put that out there...because it's really been eating at me lately. not that i think this alone should decide anything, but it was just bugging me...sigh, and now i feel better. blogs can be so therapeutic...


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

tree falling, take two

i'm telling you, blogging without coffee is a dangerous thing...glad i didn't hurt myself...

ok, the tree in the forest thing. i know it goes beyond tshirts... i guess it's a question about truth. without a witness, what's true? bear with me, but it's like there are all these thoughts sitting in a huge circle around my head...we'll call them geese because geese have nice, long necks. so i've been trying to grab them all by the neck and tie them together into one nice, cohesive thought... but they keep sneaking out and confusing me because they all seem related, all look the same, but keep moving around. yes, i am saying my brain feels full of feathers....or something like that.

what i was wondering, really, when the tree thought popped into my head last night was about loving people...and if they don't know you love them, if you haven't communicated that to them (or communicated it in a way they will understand), do you love them? does it change anything? what's the difference? i mean, certainly it matters to send love. but feeling love can change things too. and how many women think they feel love in a relationship where there may be a lot of emotion, but love might not exactly be what's being sent?... i don't know...

i wonder if my sister knows how amazing i really think she is...if my parents know how much i respect them deep down even though i let myself get distracted by pretty shallow shit sometimes...if my brothers know how proud i am of them, even though they could do better, because they aren't hurting anyone and i think they all have good hearts.

if my spouse knows how much i respect him for the drive he's shown, his commitment to the world and us, how funny and smart he is...if my kids know how much i like them and how grateful i am that they don't do everything i tell them to because sometimes i am dumb and speak before i think and really like the way they do things so much better.

if my friends know how much i appreciate and admire and love them...if lana only knew how much i really wish she'd move over this way...if jeanni knows how i wish we could still sit on picnic tables and solve the problems of the world...if hope knows how i wish her much i miss all of those families?...mamas, children, AND husbands.

does jen know how glad i am to have met such a beautiful person?...or does cristy know how much i care about her and wish her a feeling of health and much i think about sara and her deployed husband and her beautiful kids...vickie and her gorgeous family and how much her love is evident and inspiring. does mama denise know i want to be her when i grow up? much i miss my friend patsy and wish i could be more a part of planning her upcoming weird it feels to miss out on watching marcy's kids grow up?...and thalia's? julie's doing and when and how many kids she'll finally end up with.

i think about my niece's family, her new little one that i ache to hold, touch, see with my own other niece in medical school, wishing her nephew that i haven't heard from in too long and i worry about but hope he's happy.

my cyber mama tribe...all of them...whit, ana, carrie, shannon, angie, corey, carol, shannon, lisa, dani, anna, shellee, bonnie, nic, angie, tanya, kristin, allison, jess, allyson, amy, annette, rachel, kara, christine, beth, tina, jenn, tiffany, mel, angel, dar, holly, mandy...and all those beautiful, gorgeous children.

i often meditate at night, while i'm falling asleep. there's this buddhist prayer that focuses on extending your circle of loving kindness (but it's kind of long to include), and so while i pray or meditate at night, i extend my circle and go through my family, dh's family, our friends...basically all the folks i mentioned plus the people from church, neighbors, etc. i was wondering last night what difference it makes. if no one hears the tree, does it make a sound? but then i remembered that i know someone hears the sound...and it's the best noise this tree knows how to make... not that that necessarily solved everything, but it did bring the geese to a shared spot to rest.

when a tree falls... a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? that's the question, right? the one on tshirts and stuff. i've seen a tshirt that says if a woman nags and there's no husband to hear it, is she really nagging...or something like that. but i've been thinking a lot about this question...because there are a lot of changes people go through in a way that no one else may witness directly...and everyone tends to have a different interpretation of what or why things have changed...and that made me think of the tree falling in the forest.

i have more to say on this, but first some coffee...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

first day of cooperative

sigh, what a great, great thing we've done... i had soooo much fun. and the kids...oh man, they were in heaven.

e loved his classes...math was the favorite. (she brought an electric card shuffler...this was, in a word, genius...well, i almost said cheating, but i don't want to be was freaking genius) then i did an art class where we matched paintings and then we did our own paintings...e called his "charger" and the other student (yep, there're only two littles for now) called his "at the park"....guess what it was of... they finished the day with spanish, which i also believed they loved, but it was unanimous...math rocked.

s and o did spanish first. then writing and grammar, which sounded like they were having a good time. and their last class was philosophy with me...oh man, i LOVE that class... s and o said they liked their classes a lot, but s was kind of sleepy and shy and i will say that out of all the kids in my philosophy class (seven), my two were the least talkative, with o being more chatty than s by i'm thinking s was a little sleepy and trying to figure stuff out the first day.

n had founding documents...he's reading the magna carta for next week, i think. then speech. then biology. he sounded pretty happy with his classes.

so let me talk about philosophy for a minute... first of all, i was so RELIEVED at how much the kids were ready to talk...i only had to remind them a few times that we had to speak one at a time. and the two emily dickinson poems we did? easy shmeasy. ok, not really. but the kids stuck them out, picked out the words they didn't know, worked to understand them and put them together to figure the poems out and we actually left off with a pretty good understanding of what dwelling in possibility meant. one of my students, when i gave them their journals and asked them to draw or write what possibility was, said the empty page was like possibility...nothing and everything at the same time. that almost made me cry. then when we were talking about imagination and what it felt like to be imaginative...the kids were talking about imagination being dreaming...that was cool. and they all talked about how good it felt to be imaginative or thinking or meditating. and they were the ones to make the leap between imagination and dwelling in possibility...the limitless opportunities, the freedoms. it was awesome. i'll share the poem they wrote together as a class, modeled after dickinson's "i'm nobody. who are you?" these kids are brilliant.

my spouse left me a card and a plant to congratulate me for being part of getting this co-op rolling. it was pretty freaking sweet.

so now, i nap. snort... well, i think i will rest for a bit. then work on getting the shit organized that i stupidly left until, well, now to organize. (that probably would've been good to have done, oh, say, before today.) but live and learn....that's what i always (starting now) and learn.