Monday, October 14, 2013

brain gum

my missionary son posted a page on his instagram a few days ago.  the words I can read on the page are...

"the second temptation is of a more sinister nature.  the temptation to hate yourself because you have not lived up to your ideal.  that is pride, and it is very dangerous.  it opens the door to much worse things."

I don't know where these words came from.  but I have been thinking about them a lot.


ok, so I came back to add...

I found out where these words come from.  a book called father Elijah: an apocalypse by Michael O'Brien.  it's one of six in a series.  I bought the first three for my guys to read.  catholic fiction?  ok.  we'll try it. 

also, I made a decision today.  I just have to let my guys know.  we're cutting back to one coop this semester.  the inclusive one I started.  we'd been doing the inclusive one since it started, but I also added a Christian coop this semester, so we've been attending Monday afternoons at the new one and Friday mornings at our old favorite.  and it's messing with my schedule.  and since I have such a slippery grasp on things this day, we're going to cut back to the old favorite next semester.  the new one will be an option, maybe next fall.  we'll see where we are.  but it is wearing me out....and I feel pretty worn.  it's a shorter semester at that coop, so we've only got four more weeks to go (whee!!!).  I think we can make it.  I feel so much better now that I've made this decision.  I just have to let everyone else know.  cross your fingers for me, please?

ok, that is all.

peace again

Sunday, October 13, 2013


I read this little prayer awhile back...

lord, help me to horizontally detach and vertically realign.

that's simple...elegant...makes the shapes of a cross...cute...I get it it...POW.  then I really got it.  detach horizontally...from the things that keep me rooted in the the stagnant...sometimes even in the past...and realign vertically...up....toward primary attachment...keep me moving forward and progressing and growing.

so I had my first migraine a month ago.  menstrual migraine, my husband has diagnosed...and I concur.  which left me with some dread.  because I don't know about you, but I menstruate about every four weeks or so.  and that meant this was probably not going to be a one time event, and that I would also know when it was coming (nice for the heads-up, but also cause for some dread).  so, last week, as I noticed I was feeling like everything sucked, and I was kind of hating people I don't normally hate, and I was entirely too focused on myself as the source and cause of everything wrong in the world....I was, as usual, glad to realize my period was probably coming and my attitude would adjust so I didn't have to feel like I really had to DO anything about all of these feelings, AND I also wanted to cry a little because I wondered if I would get another migraine.

I did have a hell of a headache...complete with a little dizziness and nausea and some pretty auras...on Friday afternoon.  so I slept a lot.  and then finally relented and took an Excedrin migraine.  and THAT was a little magical and fantastic.  I made it through Friday night, preparing my house for a huge party of teens and preteens and their families, complete with padded sword making and hot dogs and chili and s'mores.  and I woke up Saturday to no headache, but I had a pretty rough first day of my period with about thirty or so people here, half of them bashing each other with padded swords.  it was lovely and I made it through.  and that felt almost as good as my first half marathon, to tell the truth.  my head was only a little woozy at times, and my legs were only a little cramped this morning from walking so clamped together yesterday (insert dramatic eye roll here).

when I woke up this morning, I had a pretty big headache.  sigh.

I look back at yesterday, and I feel so grateful for such an amazing group of friends.  I start to wonder who I missed, who might be mad that I didn't invite them, and my brain stops working.  "i'm tired," it says, "and i'm not wasting my energy traveling down that stupid road."  uhm, ok.  so then I start thinking about all the funny stuff said, all the smiles...and then I start wondering if I offended anyone without realizing it.  and my brain shuts down again.  "really, I don't have the energy for this shit.  do you want to get a migraine from worrying?  seriously?  is it worth it?"  so I remember the laughing, the playing, the good stuff.

I have learned, in this short experience with migraines, not to depend so much on my own perception of things.  because my hindsight is a little fuzzy, and a lot weighed down at times with a fog of hurt, a fog of exhaustion, a fog of maybe a little confusion.  i'm  just not at the top of my game.  and it's okay.  because I am definitely detaching horizontally.  looking forward.  hoping people can see in my eyes, in my smile, how happy I am to see them.  how much I like them.  even if I can't remember if I actually said any of that to them.

yes, i'll probably end up making a doctor appt soon about these headaches.  just 'cuz.  but I think it's fairly typical and straightforward...especially given how screwed up the women's hormones in my family get around this stage of life.  I do not know how so many people live with migraines, though.  if this much of our population experiences pain like this so regularly, no wonder we're a pain-phobic, stressed out culture.  this is pretty bad. 

peace out

Thursday, October 3, 2013's good

I am better!  hurray!  no more pounding head.  no more aching sinuses.  no more hurty ears or throat.  I can breathe.  I don't have to shove Kleenex up my nose to keep it from dripping everywhere.  and i'm not on any drugs anymore.  unless you count coffee...

this is good.  life is good.

but I have a little detoxing to do in  my head.  like anyone who's been laid up for too long, I have overdosed on internet news.  which kind of sucks these days.  I had a hard time finding a neutral source to learn about the government shutdown.  wiki has become my go-to for that kind of info.  as much as I discouraged my kids from using wiki as a source, there I was, going there for my info.  but all the other sites have this tone of "here's what's going on and if you didn't know it and feel this way about it, you're an unconscionable idiot."  well, if I already KNEW everything, I wouldn't be looking for an article to TELL me what the hell's going on.  I don't need someone to tell me what to THINK...I just need someone to tell me what happened.

so here's the little bit of insight I broke through to while sick... 

we need to worry so much less about being right and think more about doing right.  because I've watched a number of arguments the past week where the facts were barely mentioned, but the insults about intelligence and ignorance were plentiful.  maybe  people are so worried about being right because there is such a blaring absence of facts...and it makes people insecure?  so in an effort to create a sense of security, they're just putting out their opinions and the whole birds of a feather thing is happening?  but to make a strong nation, people have to give up a little bit of personal security to work toward a greater whole?  right?  realize that not everyone in the nation is just like you and may have different needs from you?  I don't know.  I didn't come up with any grand solutions...just the insight that people seem awful focused on being right...even when they know what they're saying is wrong.  reminds me of when my mom kept sending me anti-Obama emails and I kept sending her back the snopes' links that debunked the emails.  she finally got kind of pissed at me and said, "whether or not my emails are true, can't you see the TRUTH?"  hmmm....i'll have to think on that some.

oh, i'll go ahead and go here for a minute...  because I see a lot of catholics struggling with truth lately, too.  pope francis is radically changing how Catholicism is lived.  I see catholics saying, "but he's not changing doctrine!!"  nope, he's not.  but he's certainly changing, by his actions, which doctrines are more important than others...which ones matter the most....what order that stuff is supposed to be lived.  I have more to say about all of that, but I just feel like my republican catholic friends have been having a tough couple of weeks.  and i'm praying for them.  there's this song that we've been rocking out to at church called, "build your kingdom here."  my guys say it sounds like a lumineers song.  there's a line that says, "win this nation back" or something like that.  I feel like so many of my friends are praying for Obama's sudden removal when they pray it.  but i'm hoping more people (and I know there already ARE people like this...I admire them tremendously) can get past whether or not they're right...and work toward a common good...what is right.  not just what supports their ego, but what supports their spirit, too.