Monday, June 30, 2008


so my oldest has strep throat. and everyone just seems kind of grumpy and every once in awhile someone mentions a headache, which in turn, gives me a headache...

but i did pull out our hiking packs today and check out some books from the library on the grand canyon, bryce national park, and zion national park...also one on hiking essentials that has some fun exercises i might show the kids.

between the headaches of the day and deciding today would be the day i'd begin my coffee free mornings, i'm just too tired to blog more.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

weekend in review

had a really fun, outdoor, sweat-and-play-hard kind of day yesterday. also a share with friends, delightful kind of afternoon. then a quiet, hang out together at home kind of evening. good times, good times...

but oldest came to our room, pretty upset, around five this morning. head hurting, couldn't sleep, just generally stressed out and ready for some help... i think he may have gotten dehydrated from hanging at the creek yesterday, but i'm not sure. some motrin and more water and he quieted. i don't know that he ever went back to sleep. i don't think he got some rogue caffeine in the evening. (we're all pretty sensitive to caffeine around here...except dr. dad who i think just sticks his in an iv at work...) i don't know...but he seems okay today...tired, but feeling fine otherwise.

so we will start working on getting ourselves together for our camping trip sans dad. i was telling a friend of mine last night that i could feel myself working out of the denial stage (concerning dad's non-attendance on this big trip), into the acceptance stage. i'm glad i got there with almost two full weeks to prepare us...pretty good timing, i must say... it'll be fun....we will be fine. (these are what my internal thoughts look like...)

still other things i want to blog about...but words aren't coming together on this. just stuff, really...nothing huge. thoughts that float through my mind but scatter when i try to catch them and put them into words. i'm patient...

but i do want to ask for prayers for a mama named julie walker. her daughter and my oldest son went to school together for first grade and we share a mutual friend who's kept us connected, sort of, in the years since. aside from being a mama, julie's a doula and child birth educator and friend to so many. she is having a tumor removed...a brain tumor...on monday....yeah, tomorrow. so prayers, positive energy, whatever you've got...please...she needs them. and it'll be a good thing to do if you send them, so it all works together...the giving, the receiving...


Friday, June 27, 2008


my spouse and i have had a kind of rough year. it's been a rough time since we made the decision for him to go to medical school in 2002. but medical school was a lot easier than the first year of residency has been...

he is really immersed in his profession. every night (that he's home), the man has either a medical journal or a medical textbook out, reading up on the details and intricacies of what he does in a day, what he sees, what he's responsible for. it's like a whole new culture...even a whole new language. i know his profession requires he be immersed because my spouse is just not an immersion type guy. he likes to know a lot about lots of things...but he's not really one to dwell. but i see him dwelling here. and i see how difficult it is...most of the time...well, really, just once in awhile. like maybe two or three times this year i have been conscious of how difficult it is for him. not because i'm a jerk. just because i've been a little more immersed these days as well.

my kids are growing. i can no longer say, "hey, let's go to the park" when every one's bored because now my older kids say, "which one?," or "who else will be there?," or "what are we going to do there?," or, my personal favorite, "well, can we drive thru on the way home?" and i am not exactly thrilled to be their new social director, to be honest. these guys have been soooo freaking bored this summer, and as much as i want them to have fun, i am not spoon feeding it to them. a friend of mine told me her mom used to tell her "only boring people get bored"....i keep forgetting to use that line! doh...

anyway... last night my husband and i were trying to interact... i'd go sit near him, he'd smile, then he'd forget i was there and go get something to eat. at which point i'd move to the computer, forgetting i was trying to spend time with him. then he'd wander in the computer room, look over my shoulder, and wander back to the front of the tv. rinse, lather, repeat. over and over. seriously, i think we did this about five different times. then, this stupid show called hopkins came on and while we both rolled our eyes, we ended up watching it. there's a couple on their way to divorce in that show...he's a surgical resident, she's a p.a. they have two kids. then there was the guy the brain tumor. it was quite a show.

we tried to talk later... our eyes got kind of lit...that look we get when we're getting ready to talk, share, laugh... but he'd talk about medicine and doctors and i'd talk about kids and mamas. and for some reason, all of our stories involved so much back story, neither of us had the energy to fill it all in. so it was a lot of start...huh?...never go...kind of stuff. it seriously made me think of the story in the bible where everyone starts speaking different languages, none of them the same. it was kind of weird. and it kind of sucks. but it's also kind of ok. it's just the way it is, really. i'm certain it'll never be the same. i am hopeful it will be better at some point.

i'm not always sure about this journey we are on. it is not an easy one. i know few are. but things sure seemed a hell of a lot easier before we took this turn. and i don't know why we do this, to be honest. i try to find a peaceful place inside of me, but then i look at where i am in life and think this is just stupid. what the hell was i thinking?!?! but then i remind myself that my spouse and i are friends, that we love, love, love our kids, and that our kids are really funny, terrific, well-balanced people. i think way more so than their parents. and maybe that's what'll happen. they'll keep us from going crazy...falling off the ledge i feel we walk so close to.

oh, speaking of ledges, did i mention i'll be taking my kids, without my spouse, and with my spouse's family, to the grand canyon for a week? tent camping? yeah...there's a ledge...literally and metaphorically, huh?

maybe the true babel is in my head. one part of me talking about peace and calm and the other scheduling these crazy things...making these crazy choices....both nodding with seeming understanding, but something being majorly lost in the translation. i don't know...

i don't think it's all that's more just my size crazy. but i just had to get it out....

Thursday, June 26, 2008

enjoy the silence...

...well, in small doses anyway.

today, i signed on my computer, as usual. i checked my email and then signed in to my blog, as usual. saw a friend had updated her blog, went to go read, saw she'd posted a video, clicked play, and was a little confused... honestly, my first thought was that it was a performance piece of never know with you tube...a band was singing, but no sound....lots of other stuff going on...i watched the whole thing waiting for the finale.

it never came.

i mean, the video ended, but i was a little more than a little confused at that point. i went back to my own blog and, out of curiosity, clicked on the beatles video i posted yesterday. ahhhh, similar themed "performance piece"...the beatles move their mouths, but there is no sound. this has happened before. something came unplugged or something. the first time it happened, i felt desperate...."fix it" i impatiently commanded my spouse. i'm a little more practiced at patience and relaxation these days, so i didn't command anyone to do anything...but i did feel that same sort of desperation... (i just let it move through me and not define me.)

when i was a teen, i worked at a camp for children with different disabilities...most of them had multiple disabilities. we had a weekly dance and the campers i worked with who were deaf would often climb in the dj's huge speakers and hang out there through much of the dance. (rendering their counselor hearing impaired by the end of said dance...) but i'll never forget these little scrawny kids, climbing around in a big black speaker, feeling the sides, their eyes lit up. once we had a week of kids who were just deaf, and those guys danced...i guess they could feel the beat without climbing in the speaker...although "kokomo" by the beach boys did confuse them some...

then i worked at the school for the blind. in the life skills department. and i watched the kids there navigate through a world they couldn't see. it was often scary for them. there was one child we worked with for months just to get her to touch was scary shit for her. she would scream and claw us if she thought we were trying to get her to touch it. but she'd been born blind, and no experience with anything like sand, or with anything that would make sand make that was sort of different. we had other kids who'd jump on trampolines, swing in swings (ever done that with your eyes closed?), even roller skate.

have you ever watched a blind person "see" another person? touch their face? i mean, my son has a blind flute teacher and i don't think she's ever "looked" at him, but when a blind person does touch someone to "see" them...have you ever seen that? the times i did, i'd often look away, feeling a little embarrassed by the intimacy of those touches. not the abstract brushing hair out of some one's face, or taking a crumb off of some one's mouth...a touch with the intent to imprint, to remember, to learn. i don't know...maybe i'm a prude. i wondered, often in my younger years, which i'd prefer (if given the choice, of course), being deaf or being blind? and the failure of my speakers, the watching of videos going on with no sound, affirmed what i've always thought...

i'm pretty sure i'd still rather go blind. because while silence can be nice and healing, for me personally, it is a damned lonely place that i just don't think some vibrations would find me in. i'm pretty sure i'd go mad if i could never hear another song, another guitar, another voice...the wind through the trees, footsteps in grass that needs to be cut, the sound of oars dipping in and out of turning over in their sleep, laughter, my sexy spouse walking through the door, mamas talking and sharing and lifting. i have too many things already in my head...if the rest of the world couldn't get in there...i just can't even imagine.

there were some other things rattling around in my mind, but this took it all out of me for today....snort

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

treadmill philosophy

first of all, i don't intend to meditate or philosophize on the treadmill. i don't know that it's wise to think too much when trying to reach and maintain my maximum heart rate... but with a reiki book there, and my big backyard out my window, and lately, with the beatles just seems to happen...

here's today's passages i wanted to get down...

We can compare the mind to a glass of sparkling water. The constant stream of bubbles floating to the surface are like our thoughts and feelings. It appears that we are these thoughts and emotions that arise from within, as if they make up our identity and character, or as if they are the "real me." Our true nature is more like the water itself than the bubbles that arise in it, our essence, in reality, is closer to the space between our thoughts and feelings, or simply the lack of "I."

Since our tendencies toward positive or negative actions gradually change with our habits of thinking and feeling, if we are able each day to familiarize ourselves with deep peace and happiness, no matter how negative we have been in the past, we cannot avoid becoming more contented and fulfilled.

now, that first passage i like because i get asked so often if i see the glass as half full or half empty, i'm thrilled that now i can answer that i'm the water in the glass. and i like the idea of being full of bubbles... it did make me wonder, as i was running today, whether "i" was the calf that was hurting, the "i" that sensed the pain, or the "i" that decided it was fine to just keep running and let it work itself out. but "i" didn't come to a conclusion as "i" was running and trying to relax a calf without falling off the treadmill. (all while singing "help" by the beatles which seemed so damned appropriate i thought i'd include it.) but i am also "getting" that i am not identified by my thoughts or my feelings...and i am so freaking relieved by that because sometimes, i just don't know where the shit that flies through my head comes from...

which i guess explains why the second passage is significant to me...can i get an alleluia!!?! a praise god!!!? (or dog or bob or whoever you praise...)'s a relief. sometimes i get so bogged down by negative thoughts. so.....bogged......down...... but i'll keep practicing and then i can't avoid being happier...i love that part. like even if i try, i can't avoid it. cool.

so that right there is probably proof enough why i should not think too much while my body is allocating the bulk of its energy to run. but it felt good...

i also want to put out there that a friend of mine (from the cyber mama tribe) is traveling to galveston for some much needed time alone. i talked to her for the first time today to let her know i was thinking about her and to take care of herself. she had kind of a sexy, sultry voice. not that i didn't expect it...which i didn't...but it's just cool how us mama types always have little surprises about ourselves up our sleeves. so if you feel so inclined, i'm sure she could use some raising up.

also, my sons spent time with some kids from a family that is moving at the end of this week. i know people come and go in life...and i know i can't protect them from ever knowing disappointment or longing or loss...i wouldn't really want to, to be honest...but i wish this family the best and am grateful for the time we spent with them. rock climbing will never be the same without them...

also, a friend i haven't spoken to in awhile seems to have been going through some rough times, so a little raising up for her would be good, too...


Tuesday, June 24, 2008


i often see colors in feelings. when i was a kid, there were these inherent numerical values assigned to colors and weird color combinations would yield these weird equations, but that's not what i'm writing about. when i say i see colors, i don't mean i see auras or whatever. when i'm feeling things, there is often a background color to it. and the more i meditate, the more aware of these colors i've become over time. (the more i meditate, the weirder my dreams get, as well, but that's not what i'm writing about either.)

i went to book club last night. same group of women, minus one. same histories for them, same newbie me, but with an extra month of history under my belt. the book was really good. it was called assassination vacation written by sarah vowell. like i said before, it was about the assassinations of presidents lincoln, garfield, and mckinley. sarah vowell does not like our current administration and i liked her book a lot. but this is not what i'm writing about right now either...

when i'm in a group of people, i can get a sense of how people are feeling. it's not rocket science...i'm sure i'm reading their body language, listening to their tone, watching what muscles are tensed...but it is instinctual, so i'm not sure exactly what i'm doing, but last night i could really feel the background colors on each person. it was pretty new for me...

so the cool part...

i was sitting next to this mama i'm getting to know. (the one i saw david sedaris with.) and there's another mama on the other side of her. there's also a mama across from us and a rogue papa who showed up, too. so the mama next to me and i are talking to the couple across from us most of the night. time to tally up the bills and the mama on the other side of mama-sitting-next-to-me (i was on the end of the table...does that make this any easier?) is getting frustrated because the wait staff is not totalling her change correctly. first it's too little...then it's too much. and every one's getting drawn into this frustration...helping her add the change....yes, they are wrong!...what to do?...bla bla bla but the mama i was sitting next to just kept talking, telling stories, laughing. and i kept listening, telling my stories, and laughing, too. it was cool. there were plenty of folks helping mama-with-change-issues get her stuff settled. i don't think we were shirking our civic duties at all. no one got hurt. they sorted the issue out...get this, without our help. and hell, we just had a good time.

so the colors...right...the colors. frustration or anger or whatever...for me, emotions that close me up and don't allow energy to move through to find a solution, basically keeping me stuck in the problem...they're kind of black or some variant of black...which i guess really means some shade of gray. and i'm not judging whether this woman with change issues was closed off or not. this is just my reading of emotions, which is a reflection of me...because i'm not her. and i don't know her...well, i sort of do. but not well enough to know her emotions. i barely know my spouse that well and i've known him for eighteen years. (holy shit, that's a long time...) anyway...i was seeing gray around mama with change issues.

but mama sitting next to me had colors going...blues, greens, purples, reds...and i had a choice to make.

i usually feel compelled to help sort things out...even if i'm the forty-fifth person to come upon the issue. i still feel this prime responsibility to help someone be happy. but i know i'm not always the right person for the job. i often make things worse, what with my morbid intensity and amazing propensity to mindfuck things... yet, i still often react blindly to that compelling feeling...

i guess this is where quiet and awareness come in? meditation and whatnot? i don't know. i'm really still too new to this. but i was aware, as clumsy as it felt inside me, that i had a choice. and i chose colors. and once the change issue was sorted through, the colors returned. it was a really nice night. i'm glad for the community.

so that's about all i got on that. other than there's a kid's book where it makes a rainbow...each page covers a specific color and has a ribbon that color at the top of the page. turn the page, new color, new ribbon in the rainbow. that's what i was thinking about last night when i was going to bed. and for the record, no, i don't do drugs...snort.

Monday, June 23, 2008

quick addendum

i like the article i just posted for a few different reasons... but the biggest is that it reminds me that while i feel like some people need to get over their hang ups, their stereotypes concerning others that they don't even know much about, that i need to do the same.

my bff from high school's partner sent me that article...they live a little north of me, but still in the same conservative, often religious fundamentalist populated state and we emailed back and forth expressing surprise that such an even tempered, well written article supporting same sex marriage would appear in her local newspaper. and i haven't discussed this issue with many folks around me because that attitude would surprise me here, too, to be honest. we just don't expect the people around here to be supportive or understanding, i guess...and i guess we need to get over it, huh?

and i realize stereotypes are often protective...i do not want to spend hours each day arguing for same sex marriage or telling someone else i feel they're wrong (if they feel same sex marriage is destroying the institution of marriage or whatever) anymore than someone wants a lifestyle they know nothing about surrounding them. but i am a live and let live kind of person, just like the guy who wrote the article. and i need to realize that so are many of the folks i'm surrounded by. (well, maybe we're just more live and let live than other things, i suppose.) again with the same-ness, huh?...


i have book club tonight and now need to try to finish the book. it's about the assassinations of lincoln, garfield, and mckinley, and i've only just barely started the stuff on garfield...sigh. i just didn't want to be a book club failure again this month... but i will let you know the name of the book and what i thought of it when i finish it...i am actually liking it quite a bit.

sharing an article on same sex marriage

Gays marry, world does not end
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
By Reg Henry, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

The news that the California Supreme Court had ruled in favor of gay marriage came on my 32nd wedding anniversary last month. As over-excitable conservatives rushed through the streets shouting, 'The gays are coming! The gays are coming!' I kept calm.

I did not react with a superior attitude of 'there goes the neighborhood.' My personal marital neighborhood does not depend on what other people do, thank you very much.

I did not shrink from the fearfully imagined prospect of same-sex couples showing up heterosexuals like my wife and me with superior interior decoration skills. I reject all such stereotypes. Besides, there's nothing a few strategically placed Steelers posters in the living room couldn't fix.

In the face of claims that the court has ended civilization as we know it, I have persisted in the live-and-let-live attitude expressed in song so well by Mr. Sly (he of the Family Stone): 'Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on, and scooby dooby doo-bee.'

But some agitated critics of the court cited a higher authority, the Almighty. I can't speak for him, of course, and being a member of the media it is possible that I am damned by definition.

But this side of a theocracy, I would suggest that it is not the state's role to exactly duplicate the proscriptions of the ancient texts. If it did, there would be no divorce and no credit cards, the last involving the much condemned sin of usury.

This wouldn't be any fun for the majority, whose last remaining pleasure, at least as some see it, is to limit the rights of the minority gay population. Apparently, the desire of gays and lesbians for stable, loving relationships threatens the sanctity of marriage as heterosexual infidelity and divorce do not. Well, as they say in the old country, pull my other leg, it's got a bell on it.

If gay marriage becomes the norm, the free exercise of religion won't change. Churches won't suddenly have to marry gays if they don't want to. Marriage has long existed on two parallel planes that sometimes, but not always, overlap. One is the religious plane, where the faithful may keep whatever commandments they like and cultivate their own idea of sanctity.

The other is the secular plane, which has nothing to do with sanctity because its authority derives not from the Almighty but from politicians, who are probably more damned by definition than journalists.

The state's interest isn't in preserving sanctity -- how could it be when the government building that issues marriage licenses also issues dog licenses? The state interest is in evenhandedly preserving the rights of individuals in the pursuit of their happiness.

I have heard conservative critics of gay marriage express a visceral disgust at the very idea of gay sex. Never mind the they-doth-complain-too-much aspect of such complaints, although when it is men saying such things I can't help thinking they are probably a riot of frou-frou female underwear under their stern and proper exteriors.

In fact, any sort of sexual relations -- gay or straight -- are inherently disgusting when one thinks of other people doing them.

Take, for example, your work colleagues. No more grotesque image comes to mind than imagining the gross people you work with in flagrante delicto, which, as you know, is a Latin phrase meaning advanced cuddling. There is nothing delicto about it. In fact, I am very sorry that I even mentioned this horrible thought.

But for those conservatives who are truly repelled and are not just cross-dressers, then I would invite them to think the thing through. The institution of marriage has always worked as a prolonged cold shower on the libido for those participating in it, and I see no reason to think that it would be any different for gay people.

(Of course, my marriage is the exception that proves the rule. Over 32 years, the Henry household has always been a castle of romance. Whenever I come in from mowing the lawn, my wife only has to smell the grass clippings on my manly frame and her heart skips a beat. We would fall on the sofa in the middle of the day if the dog wasn't always lying on it.)

I reckon the duty of religious people is to judge not and be not judged. The duty of government is not to discriminate. The duty of people in general is to mind their own business because other people's marriages don't affect them one whit. My happy duty now is to wish all those eyebrow-raising newlyweds in California all the best (but don't expect as much from the lawn mowing).

Reg Henry can be reached at or 412-263-1668.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

good kind of weary

so my spouse was off this weekend....alllllll weekend. ('cept that little rounding thing on saturday morning that i'm not counting.)

we are tired folks. the men in my family...wait, the males in my family dug a trench to lay a pipeline that would allow us to have a faucet near our garden instead of unrolling the hose across the yard to the garden and then rolling it back up. i think the whole deal will be finished either tuesday or wednesday and should make maintaining our garden--that is now producing, might i add--a little easier. yep, you heard me right...a whole chinese long bean and two cherry tomatoes. i know, i know...a meal fit for a king... (of the fleas, huh?)

i was still not feeling too great this weekend, so i mounted my attack on the inside. well, i did mow the backyard, which is one of my favorite things to do for some reason...well, i know the reasons. i sweat. the birds love it. and the yard looks so pretty afterward. although, i was thinking, as i was mowing and watching all the bugs jump this way and that to avoid the mower, that if we (yes, the bugs and i) could enter into a sort of rental agreement, i could give them notice of when i'll mow so they could make arrangements to be gone...say, next door. i don't know why it was bothering me to think i was probably halving the critter in the grass population, but it was. probably because david sedaris read a story about a male ladybug and a common garden ant...or something like that.

whoa, that was quite a tangent. anyway, i worked inside...primarily laundry. i also folded and helped the kids put away everything i washed, which is usually a job done over a couple of weekends (if the kids don't just wear all the clean stuff out of the piles before it ever even reaches their dressers). i also cooked, cleaned, prepped, all that. so we didn't eat crap convenience food this weekend and that was nice. we actually fired up the grill twice. i think that's how many times we'd used the grill since moving here a year ago.

so i was going to bullet off these little thoughts of mine over the weekend, but i'll save it for a different day. right now i am tired. and i think my family is pretty tired too. (except for the littlest who is way too obsessed by video games right now...but we're taking a two day sabbatical and i think that will help.) we'll see....

it was so freaking cool to work together as a family over the weekend. it made me realize how little time we've had all together in the past few months. and how important it is. i think i always figured it would come, and it always seemed to, so even though time's been limited before, i think i was still able to take it for granted. but this first year of residency was kind of hard. not so much the first half, but the second half really kicked our butts. and it happened so subtly, we were blaming each other for being selfish without ever realizing how thin we were being spread and how little of our needs were being met as a family. it snuck up on me. but i am ever so grateful for those who've lifted my family up...either in words, with shared space, or in prayers. we're doing fine now...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

nothing's gonna change my world

i've been singing this line over and over in my head for the past week, and then i pop into a friend's blog this morning to see these same was a happy irony.

my spouse has his first weekend off since april. (well, he is rounding on patients as i type, but i am not going to count that, see?...) this was cause to celebrate. we went out to eat last night, but the taco place we went to was running soooo slowly, so we went to pick up some milk, the stuff to make bean and cheese tacos, some cream soda (because this is what made it okay with my children that we left the taco place), other stuff i can't remember... came home and made tacos...the children ate them all. (yeah, maybe children is misleading, huh?) so dh went and got us some sushi (i know, it's a hard life...). but here's where it got kind of crazy...

because he talked to his niece, who is preggers, for an hour. (she had a few questions, concerns, such) and so in this time, after folding two loads of laundry, i called a mama friend to check on her littlest real quick. and in that time, two mamas i hadn't talked to in forever called, as well as my sister who i ended up ignoring because it was getting kind of crazy at that point. one mama i hadn't heard from in so long, i was getting concerned about...really concerned. turns out her phone system isn't working. also turns out she thinks her teenager may be sexually active...which tells me her falling off the face of the earth was partly a technical difficulty and partly a survival mechanism. i didn't get to talk to her long, but i'll talk to her again soon. it was good to connect and just the few words we shared conveyed so much. i'm really glad she called. the other mama, i had a feeling was doing alright, just busy, and that was mostly true too. but it was good talking to her. she has a friend she's been really concerned about, so i gave her an ear to put some of those concerns in and bounce some things off of so she could get back in there and keep on being a good friend. it was good, too, and i'm really glad she called. it was just funny to hear from both of them on the same night within minutes of each other.

but our sushi didn't get eaten. at least not more than a few pieces we each had alone while the other was on the phone. last night was funny to me because i know how wiped out my spouse and i have been feeling lately. and if you'd have asked us earlier in the day, we probably wouldn't have been sure we'd even have enough energy to be kind to one another last night. yet, there we were, recharged because we actually found something to offer other folks we loved.

i wrote earlier about how i've been drawn to focus on our similarities instead of our differences. sometimes i feel like my life is so different from what it used to be. (particularly since starting this journey with medicine) usually i'm mourning what i feel i've lost when i'm thinking that...wishing it was back to the same....missing whatever is not there anymore. but then i have moments when i realize that life is really, at its core, the same, no matter how different it might seem. i am a good person, humbled by the numbers of good people that come through and share life with me, trying to grow the good in the world around them. and as many things as may change, that has always stayed the same.

life is good. thank you, thank you, thank you...

Friday, June 20, 2008

slogging through a bit

first of all, i had a wonderful time last night. david sedaris is charming, and funny, and kind, and sweet, and very cute, and extremely sharp witted and was a lot of fun. he read a story from his new book. the new book is called when you are engulfed in flames and the story was called "of mice and men." it was typical david sedaris knock you over humor and look into your soul insight and i was even a little pleasantly surprised by the ending... i laughed so much and so did the mama i went with. we had a lot of fun together and all in all, it was a really, really good night. i wish i hadn't had a could've been that much better, but it was a good time.

this cold is wearing me down. i mean, i had so much fun last night, but when i got home, i was t.i.r.e.d. and my spouse...i mean, what is it? why does it work that he'll get so busy at work and then check in with us and he's like, "man, this place is a wreck, how do you live in it?..." and no, that's not really what he said. but traditionally, the reintroduction phase is rather coarse around here. what he did say was, "i'm just in a bad mood because we really need to pull our house and, well, our lives really, together." to which i wanted to respond, "and where the fuck did the rainbow go?!?!" but i wisely didn't....

yeah, our house is crazy. we are busy, growing, expanding horizons type folks. i have one of my best friend's deceased mama's things all over my house, awaiting the completion of packaging and mailing off to houses where these things will be as used and loved by women as creative and wonderful as the mama being honored. i have books all over the place waiting for curriculum to be pulled from and shared with children i've agreed to teach in this cooperative effort this fall coming up. i also have books everywhere supporting me in this spiritual shift i've been having while trying to maintain some sense of normalcy in the house, the kitchen, the laundry, the yard, the kids, the animals, whatnot... and i have failed in the laundry department as there are piles of it everywhere, threatening to suffocate small children should they stray too close. and i don't know when i'll get to them as i haven't made the laundry soap (that has to cure for twenty-four hours before being used) that these kids' sensitive skin requires yet. and we eat too much convenience food right now...too much cubed cheese and sandwiches and fruit and nuts and, well, ice cream can count as a meal, right? and let's not even talk about the lists i have detailing completion of organizing the cooperative efforts, completion of painting the house, reorganizing and planning a semester of schooling for the children i've birthed, all the mother's day/father's day/birthday/graduation day/confirmation day cards i've never mailed but am still determined to send I DON'T CARE how late they are, and the gardening i need to maintain as well as the seeds i still need to sow.

i know i don't need to take his statement personally. i KNOW i should just be glad to have someone to hand the freaking list to and help me work on it. and that is where i'm trying to dwell. well, there and on the couch...because i think i need a nap. i am wiped after the meeting we attended today. and i've almost got this cold kicked...thanks for the gesundheit, aimee.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

mama's night out

so i get to go with a friend to a book store to hear david sedaris speak and maybe get him to sign his new book for me. he is funny...extremely a very irreverent way. he's even funnier than anne lamott in some ways. but he doesn't always extract such beautiful meanings out of the stories he tells. yet, his stories are still quite beautiful at times, too. i have been reading him this week, and laughing out loud quite a bit...a very deep laugh, i must admit, though... i am sorry to have such a crappy cold on a day i am so excited to be going out. but like i told my cyber mama tribe, i guess you can't have it all.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

some random ramblings

i've got a cold right now...and while i feel better than i normally feel when my body is fighting something, mornings are rough and so are afternoons. and i am looking forward to laying down a lot this afternoon when we've dropped off the friend my children have had over to visit.

but i do want to remind myself that i want to take the kids out to watch the moon rising tonight. it is supposed to be, or appear, huge. and whether it's an optical illusion or not, i'd still like for them to see it.

sometimes i catch myself waiting for something...only i'm not sure what exactly i'm waiting for. but i can feel the anticipation building... i don't know. it's something i've become aware of and i'm kind of baffled by.

communication is getting better between my spouse and i. baby steps. but it's good timing because we really need to unite and throw out the screens for awhile. the kids are soooo dependent on a screen to entertain them right now. and i don't even care if they watch's all the video games... we will get there.

ok, sneeze attack. i'm out of here.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


my spouse gave all of us haircuts last night. which made it kind of disconcerting this morning to wake up to a household of people who looked mostly like my kids, but kind of different, too.

which was disconcerting in its own way because i've been thinking about a post called "same-ness" since last night...

my friend corey asked me awhile back why i focus so much on how we are the same. she spoke of acknowledging and respecting differences, which i think is the other side of the same gentle coin, and i also try to do. but i have had a number of experiences in my life where i thought i knew how i was different from someone, and was trying to be respectful of it, but it ended up we were startlingly the same. and because those moments felt so humbling to me, they seemed like what i needed to seek out... so same-ness has been my theme lately....the past few years. and here's why i'm writing about it today...

same sex marriages were legalized in california yesterday. and the first same sex marriage united two women that were 84 and 87 years old. and my heart had a big party last night to see that. because as uncomfortable as i know the issue makes some people, and some of those uncomfortable people i love a lot, it's an issue where we are more the same than we are different and as soon as people let go of their differences and realize that, it won't really be an issue anymore.

couples are couples. and they go through a myriad of experiences, all bringing to the table their own unique gifts, weaknesses, expectations, and wounds to heal. whether they are male or female and however they are arranged, they all experience marriage differently, and in that, marriage is remarkably the same. and it's time the right was extended to all adults wishing to participate. it's awesome those women got to see that day in their lifetimes.

my best friend from high school is having a commitment ceremony with her partner in the fall. we live in texas and same sex couples are denied the right to marry here. it would be nice if they could. aside from all the personal, social, philosophical, and moral reasons to marry, it would also be nice for them because then my friend could cut back her working hours and be covered on her partner's insurance...thus allowing her to heal a little from the lupus she's struggled with for almost ten years. i know it would be something to figure out with insurance companies if same sex marriage were legalized all across the united states, but this country figured out how to run the voting process once women were granted the right and it also figured out how to run a lot of new processes once african americans were granted equal citizenship. i think our health care system will be able to handle equal citizenship for homosexuals...and it's due an overhaul, anyway.

so anyway, no, i'm not into politics greatly. and maybe i should be. and maybe, eventually, i will be. but i do think people in one of the greatest nations in the world should be treated fairly and equally...and i do think it's a damned shame when they aren't and nobody seems to notice it. but i also do believe we are good people and pulled to do what is right. so while i cover my responsibilities and explore all the ways to do right in this capacity, i take a few minutes to rejoice and salute when others seem to find a new way to do right in theirs. especially one that changes the landscape of our country...

Monday, June 16, 2008

better without words

i saw this movie, august rush, and really liked it, but this was my favorite part. the whole movie was about this "thing" that is really hard to capture in, faith, belief....even in the face of adversity....hell, especially in the face of adversity. when you keep getting that look that says, "well, i think that's a terrible, impossible, stupid idea and i'm telling you so, so don't come crying to me...." which i admit to feeling when other people go chasing their dreams that i don't understand...

anyway...maybe it's the meditating, maybe it's the cold we're passing around, maybe it's that we've been pretty busy and trying to heal at the same time....but words just aren't working for me these days. which doesn't mean things are not going well...they're just not going...verbally.

Saturday, June 14, 2008



Friday, June 13, 2008

still in the race

i'm running another half marathon in november. my ultimate goal for me is a full marathon in april. but now my sister in law has thrown in the possibility of a triathlon next year, too. intriguing, i must admit...although i have not made up my mind on that one.

why do i do these things? now that i'm well into my thirties, have given birth to four kids...i have never run competitively...well, i guess i really still don't, to be honest...but i was never a runner before and now i am. why?

because i have four children. four sons. and they are growing into, yes, i'll say it, young men. i mean complete with raging hormones and changing bodies young men. and i want them to marry strong women. but they say we marry our parents. (i think i married my sister, to be honest, but that's a whole 'nother story...) and i want to be a good person for my kids to model their expectations of people on. so i try to be fun, i try to be kind, and i try to be active because life offers a lot more opportunities to those who are able to take them. and it gets tiring being left behind while your kids run on up to the snowline, or finish the climb, etc... but like everything, there's a balance....oy, always with the balancing...

i realized last night that when i go to bed, i usually pray and meditate...try to end the day on a good note. lay it at the cross, they say, right? but it occurred to me that i rarely pray or meditate in the morning. why don't i ever try to start the day on a good note? maybe i wouldn't have to pray so much, lay so much down at night if i'd distribute things a little more evenly?... i don't know. but i am game for most new experiences (except for eating chicken feet...i do not eat chicken feet...won't even try them) so i tried some meditation and prayer this morning. did a little reiki, although i'm still new to the reiki stuff so i rarely admit to trying it. (i think of it just as a different position for praying right now...)

anyway... my morning went well. i've already worked out, so that's a good thing. and my kids have been playing dungeons and dragons all morning, quietly, cooperatively, peacefully (well, as peaceful as one can be slaying trolls and finding secret passages with boots of invisibility or inconsistency or whatever my oldest, aka the dungeon master, has come up with). my littlest has been a doll this morning as he now measures the piano with my sewing tape. my two middles are spending the night at a friends' house and the rest of us will go to dinner at my bil's.

left foot, right foot, pray/reiki, breathe...

Thursday, June 12, 2008

uhm, ok...

so healing and finding your feet on your own is one thing. being married (remember that whole two becoming one thing, jess?...) is another. or involves another at the very least.

my spouse is a great man. i've known him over half my life... i think he thinks i'm a fairly decent person, too. so why is it that when it comes to the marriage we've created, we seem to have screwed some things up...and i mean kind of royally. or at least the pain seems pretty royal. i suspect the solution is fairly easy, but getting past that big, royal pain is what, i think, keeps goofing us up.

i mean, i admit it, i feel that "fuck it, throw in the towel, run and hide, who the hell wants to put up with this, what the hell could be good enough to warrant putting up with this shit" kind of stuff. but it's a smaller part of me now than it used to be. and then there's this other part of me (that part of me that parents myself?) that is like, "sure, get it out, it's ok, now get back in there and don't forget to be nice."

and then i want to stamp my foot and demand to know what his inner thoughts are.... and then he shares some of them and i want to turn off the faucet, plug the dam, cover my ears...

who are we?

i don't always know. and i think i kind of fluffed it up some with the rainbows post i did. but that really is how i feel right now. kind of searching for light reflected off tiny water particles... maybe i'm just looking too closely and need to back up some? that helps sometimes. and i am praying a lot to Big Mama about lifting up this friend of mine that i married...

no indigo girls today. but david sedaris is helping me keep my sense of humor. i'm going to go see him next week with a friend i've made here. i am thrilled to have that to look forward to.

that's about all i got today. gonna go get my hammer and nail and get my ass busy...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

contentment, i suppose

at least i think this is how it feels...

i don't know why my posts have relied so heavily on the words of others lately, except to say that sometimes what i'm thinking or processing is heavily supported by those who've gone before me and the words and ways they were able to express the same or similar. which i am grateful for because it allows me to just feel my way through without having to think too much about words or whatnot...

i saw my the-rapist today. it's a good feeling to know you've kind of made it through a difficult time. not that the difficult time is over, but that you've done your hurling, free falling, head over feet, eyes wide, heart racing, stomach sickening, where the fuck is the ground and is this ever going to end...and now you're back on your feet.

i don't know why today is different from yesterday. but it is. and i know things are going to be alright, even though they're not stagnant by any stretch of the imagination. i am glad i found this the-rapist...i really think she helped quite a bit. and of course, i am also grateful for the friends and family, authors and artists, and just life in general.

time to keep going...

i picked this song today because i went through a lot of my indigo girls cds yesterday looking for you and me of the 10,000 wars to listen to. i found it, btw...and i also found another cd i hadn't heard in awhile. this is the first song on that cd and was exactly how i felt after i got home from my appointment today which is when i put the cd on to listen to and then promptly came and sat down to blog. i put the lyrics at the end if you'd like to read while you listen. i love the way emily sings this song in this video, though...

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)

peace and have beautiful days...

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


conflict 1. state of opposition 2. fight; struggle

sometimes i feel like i'm a little preoccupied with the concept of conflict. ok, what was the term from heart of darkness by joseph conrad? "morbid fascination with the abomination"? maybe that's a little more accurate... i did notice yesterday that i often have more words for the problem than the solution. but i guess that follows eckhart tolle's assertion that problems originate in the mind and are perpetuated by the mind... i dunno.

i do know that when i was a kid, i spent a lot of time focused on avoiding conflict...conflict with me, conflict between my parental figures... and i guess that followed me into the rest of my life. but i will admit, that as i've become the adult, i've also become acutely aware of the conflict within me that i never even noticed before. but i'm making peace, sort of, with all that. because i used to always associate conflict with pain, so my goal was to avoid it. not that i was one is, i've come to learn. but i grew up thinking that if i was in pain, it was my fault...because i didn't keep the peace with the right people. or something like that, but ultimately, that it was due to something i did or didn't do.

so now i see conflict and pain as a natural part of life...albeit not parts i go searching for. they find me well enough. but i do work to, well, you know, accept them on a good day and embrace them on a great day. but i do still wonder if i'm a little hypersensitive to them both. i figure one step at a time, right? i mean, rome wasn't built in a day and neither will a state of balance be achieved in the same short time. and in the meantime, i probably still will focus (hyper focus?) a bit on conflict...within me, around me...because i am still learning. but i swear, i really am a fairly happy mama... :)

so here's an indigo girls song about the natural state of conflict in relationships and life and whatnot. i haven't heard it in so long...and since i can't find that cd today, i still haven't heard but the small snippet i put at the end of the lyrics today. it is funny how my understanding and feeling when i hear these songs has evolved over the twenty or so years i've been listening to the indigo girls...but whatever it is at a given moment, it always seems to shed a little light and it always seems so natural.

you and me of the 10,000 wars
dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores
a bed to be made and a bed to lie in
a hand in the darker side
and our sights set on zion

the heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child
put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
pour the cement for my feet
the heart and the mind on a parallel course
never the two shall meet

and oh the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie
still you held your arms open
for the prodigal daughter
i see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
still waters

try making one and one make one
twist the shapes until everything comes undone
watch the wizard behind the curtain
the larger than life and the power of seeming certain
the evil ego and the vice of pride
is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides
i wanted everything to feed me
about as full as i got was of myself
and the upper echelons of mediocrity

and oh the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie
still you held your arms open
for the prodigal daughter
i see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
still waters
still waters

after the battles and we're still around
everything once up in the air has settled down
sweep the ashes let the silence find us
a moment of peace is worth every war behind us
you and me of the 10,000 wars

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)


Monday, June 9, 2008


last night, my spouse and i had what i call a "come to jesus" meeting... this means there was much passion, a lot of emotion involved, and there were some "do or die" type things said as was kind of a let-me-tell-you-how-i'm-doing-and-let's-make-some-decisions-about-this, or not make decisions, but whatever the fuck we do, it's one of those check point moments...a crossroad...and either we cross it together, go our separate ways, whatever.

no, i'm not talking divorce with going our separate ways. i mean, he's a resident. he's been on his own path for the last five years. our path is somewhat going in the same direction, and we usually have our eyes on him at least to some extent, watching for those meet up moments. and i'm sure there are times he's watching out for us, least i think there are. but this has been a difficult time. i have the gray hairs to prove it. (not that they really prove anything...but i didn't expect to look so much older at the end of this...and that kind of puts it into a different perspective for me, for some reason)

anyway, during our meeting, he said he was in it with me til the end. to which i responded, "the end? you mean like until we decide to get divorced?" (i was so tired last night and probably shouldn't have taken part in a come to jesus meeting, but then i also realized that i have more reasons for not speaking my mind freely than i do for speaking my mind freely, so i just didn't stop myself) and he replied, "no...til the end of our rainbow." which i must admit took me by surprise. he usually uses more tangible, concrete words and concepts when we discuss marriage and life and whatnot. the whole rainbow thing kind of caught me off guard.

rainbows are's like they're real and then they kind of aren't. they're the reflection of light off of water particles. prisms. but without water and light, there are no rainbows. at least not the real, up in the sky kind. and sometimes that's how i feel about love in my marriage. like i think it's there, i thought i saw it, i KNOW it's there somewhere, but where the hell did it go? do i need water or light? what happened there... yet when the two things come together and everything works out just right, it's beautiful...beautiful enough to keep you looking for the next one, i suppose. i hope.

so here are two songs that make me think of my spouse. one is new for me...just got added last night, as a matter of fact. and the second one is one my spouse doesn't appreciate as "our song" because it's a song about being at a crossroads. but i think it would be crazy to pick a song that didn't frame our relationship in anything but, to be honest. we have chosen many paths that have involved many crossroads. and i usually feel like we're a really strong couple for that...really strong friends. but when we approach one, or stand in the damned middle of one for sooooo freaking long because we can't decide which way to go, or who should lead, or whether we're traveling this one together or not....i get a little worn out. (ok, i get reallllly worn out) but at the core of any emotion i feel, he is my deepest, best friend. and i know that. i'm just not used to knowing things i sometimes can't feel. but i do know it...kind of like knowing rainbows are real, even when you've lost one or can't find one.


Sunday, June 8, 2008

it's all good

i gave my mom a bumper sticker two years ago that said

we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

this was one of those weekends that i felt acutely aware of that. from making a rosary for julie's mama with julie and her sister out of her mama's beads, to the (marathon...hehe) funeral, to the family watching and taking care of and sharing space with my kiddos, to my spouse left at home with his own spirit stretching his physicality, to the sister who would help me close the lid on another day each night...oh, and then the sister-in-law who finished her first triathlon, was an amazingly spiritual weekend. and it drained my physical body...let me tell you. but it's allllll good.

good to be home. good to have such beautiful family and friends. good to be alive.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

farewell and peace

so my friend julie's mama died this morning. we'd been waiting for awhile because she really had not been doing well for quite some time. but lots of family and friends had made it to see her in the past weeks, her daughters had talked to her lots and shared lots and spent lots of time there, so i think she felt finally peaceful enough to go. this woman's life wasn't very peaceful at was quite, quite difficult. but she managed to raise some beautiful daughters...each holding some of the best things about her. aren't mamas cool the way they do that?

so here's a song for julie and her sister. i think her mama, and even her dad, would approve...


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

spirituality, revolution, whatnot

i'm reading this book... i'm always reading books. there's one by my bed (simplicity), one on my treadmill (the reiki book), and one in my purse for when i'm stuck waiting outside lessons or at the rock climbing gym. the purse book i have now is called celebration of discipline: the path to spiritual growth. the-rapist lent it to me when i complained that the bible didn't give enough practical "how-to's" on living this christian life... so here's a few of the things i would've underlined in the first chapter if the book were mine and i could do that...

In Colossians Paul lists some of the outward forms that people use to control sin: "touch not, taste not, handle not." He then add that these things "have indeed a show of wisdom in will worship."....The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshipping the will.....Willpower will never succeed in dealing with the deeply ingrained habits of sin...."Will worship" may produce an outward show of success for a time, but in the cracks and crevices of our lives our deep inner condition will eventually be revealed....You see, by dint of will people can make a good showing for a time, but sooner or later there will come that unguarded moment when the "careless word" will slip out to reveal the true condition of the heart.

Willpower has no defense against the careless word, the unguarded moment. The will has the same deficiency as the law--it can deal only with externals. It is incapable of bringing about the necessary transformation of the inner spirit.

When the Disciplines degenerate into law, they are used to manipulate and control people. We take explicit commands and use them to imprison others. Such a deterioration of the Spiritual Disciplines results in pride and fear. Pride takes over because we come to believe that we are the right kind of people. Fear takes over because we dread losing control.

...we must come to the place in our lives where we can lay down the everlasting burden of always needing to manage others. This drive, more than any single thing, will lead us to turn the Spiritual Disciplines into laws. Once we have made a law, we have an "externalism" by which we judge who is measuring up and who is not. Without laws the Disciplines are primarily an internal work, and it is impossible to control an internal work.

so while i still feel a little "cringe-y" inside when i read words like sin or paul, i do find these words speaking to me. there has always seemed something strange about exerting the will. not that it is always bad or wrong or negative. i don't believe that at all. but the over dependence on exerting it is i guess what i mean, although how to judge that has to be individual and personal, which is what the last paragraph is talking about. it was just my reading today while the kids were at piano lessons, and i wanted to play around with it a little...

in other news...the united states has it's first african american presidential candidate. it's one of those historical moments that makes me get a lump in my throat. like when i lived in austin and the u.t. law school did away with their affirmative action requirements....different kind of lump, but still a lump nonetheless. and while politics is not my favorite thing to discuss, i am proud to see this moment. i am also really proud to have been able to watch hillary clinton run for the same spot. and i can't deny...i'd like to see her be his running mate, but either way, it was a good time to be a democrat....watching two people, both breaking barriers in their own ways, vastly different, but both deeply convicted they could be the one to do the best job for the country.

so i chose this video in honor of barack obama's presidential candidacy. there were other videos, but this is what tracy looked like when i saw her my sophomore year in high school...with her short dreads and those great dimples at the end of each song...right before the lights would darken between each song. she's so shy...and so amazingly powerful at the same time.


the girl with the weight of the world in her hands

this is an indigo girls song that i was thinking about last night. probably because of some of the comments my friend ken left about duality and non-duality. this song used to make me cry when i was a teen/young twenty year old. i could never decide if emily wrote it about herself or about someone else. i always figured it was a little bit both. i always felt like i was a little bit both.

maybe i'll come back later and blog about these hilarious kids of mine...or something a little less intense. i'm feeling a little heavy, but like i'm ready to lighten up we'll see.

until then, here's the video. and i don't watch television. we don't have cable. so i have no idea what show this footage comes from. it says "bsg" in the you tube description, but my inexperience with tv leaves me blank on what that might stand for. but i don't think i want to watch the show, either...looks too intense... :)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

i just don't want anyone to get hurt

so awhile back we went and saw the new indiana jones movie...last weekend, maybe... and it was great indiana jones. i figured the big screen of the drive-in would make it a little less intense for my guys who are not so experienced in the capabilities of special effects when conveying scary stuff. and then there's the fact that at the drive-in, you don't have to cover your eyes when you're scared. you just look up at a beautiful field of stars, and instead of being a chicken, you're a star gazer. how cool is that?

when we got home, there were a few "concerns" at bedtime. and the one that was the most concerned was my second born son, my ten year old. he kind of looked at me, rolled his eyes a little, and said, "it's ok...mostly..." in a voice that said "i'm not feeling safe to go to bed...sorry." and it was the apology in his voice that got me. because i was the same way as a child. i could watch scary movies with the rest of everyone, but my parents put a stop to it. because they were the ones who ended up by my bed at night while i was wide awake, looking out for the radioactive children from the bus that drove through the funny cloud and had black fingernails and burned and killed everyone they touched in that small town...just in case they showed up in my bedroom, you know?

so i hug my son...i tell him that those guys are fine....they LOVE what they do...get paid LOTS of money to do it. that they are having the times of their lives making it look like they're in danger or hurting one another or whatever. and aren't they quite good at that? at which point he looks up at me and says, "i just don't want anyone to get hurt." and i hug him closer and get tears in my eyes.

because i feel, at times, like we live in a world that would annihilate a boy who says that. would call him a sissy, tell him to "toughen up," and make him hide that part of himself so far down, no one would ever find it again. embarrass him, mock him, whatever it took. i see stuff like this often...our society doesn't even pretend to be kind much of the time. they make fun of people without even a hint of kindness, apology, or sense of shared humanity is what i guess i'm really getting at. and i love that my son is so openly sensitive. that he remains who he is while caring for others...even when the others tell him he should be different. i learn a lot from him.

i told him i understood...that i don't want anyone to get hurt either. and that even though people do still get hurt, they heal, too, and that's sometimes better than staying safe. he looked at me and smiled this smile... sometimes i think he knows stuff i haven't even begun to ponder yet.

i don't know why i get so defensive about that part of myself and those i love. it's really unnecessary.

i was feeling kind of defensive last night because trying to be peaceful and gentle...trying to believe that people have the answers in themselves and just need time and love to find them...and that there's really no need to hurt someone...that we all have equal value as human not easy. you watch others come in and try to direct someone, tell them what they need to do, maybe the other person tries it for awhile, and then maybe it all blows up or falls apart or sets them back a little or forward a little or whatever. and there you are, watching the whole thing, loving everyone involved even though you're might feel a little impatient with the whole situation...with some one's need to be in charge and tell others what to do...or some one's inability to stand up for themselves. and here you are...watching, loving, trying to be patient while everyone thinks you're a "yes" woman, or afraid to stand up for yourself, or unable to lead or direct. yet you know you've made this commitment, you have this core belief...and you can't help but stick with your truth, stay your course, it feels so deeply right, even though, frankly, a part of you is starting to want to go ahead and chunk it all out the window and just let fly with the negativity you are trying to convert to a positive energy to benefit everyone... ack.

this is getting a bit cynical here. but i will end it with saying that again, i could be the person any of those pronouns take the place of in the previous paragraph, and i know it. as much as i try to support people in becoming who they feel pulled to be, i know i blow it. i know i push. i am, in fact, quite human. ask my kids...they don't lie. they may have a moment of blind optimism, but give them a minute and it'll pass. as much as i despise people thinking any of those things about me, i know there are people i've thought those things about. it hurts me to be the thinker as much as it hurts me to be the feeler. and for some reason, seeing the truth in that sets me from what others' may see in me and free from that same judgmental part of myself.

it is what i feel pulled to be and it is what i think i see reflected sometimes in my ten year old's eyes. he's already pretty much there. i think he's saving me a spot.


ps--i've posted a version of this song before. i have always loved it, though i don't completely understand it. it's the indigo girls and emily sings beautifully, even though it's not the whole song. i can understand parts of the song, but not what the whole thing is saying, although maybe it is saying that when you take a nonviolent path, you don't last as long in this world...because those on a violent path maybe take you out. and that ultimately, that is a part of the path of nonviolence. of course, we'd all like to live to be as old at the dalai lama, but that's not a guarantee. for anyone, truly... still pondering...

Sunday, June 1, 2008

weekend recap

a friend of mine came up thursday to stay for a few days. and then my sister came up friday night. it was a busy, fun, gentle, wonderful weekend... (yes, sister...i know you had nothing to do with the gentle stuff...whatever)

i already blogged on friday. i think all that's left to say there is that the bread came out really good, the mozzarella? notsomuch. but, like everything, it was a learning experience. some family also joined us friday evening, and while i was completely exhausted by the time i went to bed, i also had a really great day.

saturday, dh and my sis and i got up and took two cars to get tires done on them, ran dh by the hospital to check in a patient, then we went back and picked up the cars that i couldn't believe were ready. that is, by far, the fastest i've ever seen tires done on a car. it was, well, obviously remarkable...

then we went on a hike for awhile...that was fun. my only regret? i didn't take my camera. but the eight of us had a really good time and saw some really beautiful things...caves, springs, small waterfalls...also some indiana jones-ish ants in the springs, somehow gathering and eating whatever small things they could find even though they seemed to be transported by moving water that they had no control over...and what were they eating? bugs, leaves, fingers, i don't know. they were a little creepy.

then we went to a lake and swam for awhile. the lake was choppy, we all got too much sun, and the fruit was gritty...we had a blast. we never did put the kayaks in, but we did find a great spot to try next time. and we can take the dogs next time, too.

so this morning, it was my sister and i and the kids, on our own. dh was on call. we had a good time. made homemade cinnamon rolls. bought a video game. went to the pet store. bought a friend for amy...named her annie. she's sooooo cute. bought my oldest a few fish for his tank, too. and listened to the "specialty" dog food woman talk so we could get the free sample. (woo!) fun times, fun times.

so everyone is gone now. dh isn't home yet. i'm trying to enjoy the quiet and also let the let-down of the party being over pass through me, too. it was sure fun while it lasted, though...

i still had my morbidly intense moments this weekend, but the weekend wasn't defined by them. i also ate some crappy junk food this weekend...but i'm not defined by that either. i've practiced letting emotions be and go without holding on to them all weekend. and it's felt good...felt right. but it does make who i feel like i "am" a little more fluid, a little more dynamic. and i kind of like that, too...

ok, i'm off to handle my mice for awhile...and anything else i can remember i've been "meaning to do..."