Monday, May 28, 2007

good night, moon

back home. the wedding was beautiful. i really did well focusing on the beauty around me and being grateful for being able to witness it. mario and lindsey will be happy. and many of us will support them as part of our tribe...

tomorrow, packing and cleaning... thank god julie is here to help... prayers to my babies still in our home town. i miss them, but i will work hard til they get here...

oh, and the dogs and rabbits were's such a weight off my thoughts...

and i got to eat a little jesus...maybe that's why things are okay... and some blessings to my neighbor. jennifer, i am so grateful to have lived next door to you! :)


Friday, May 25, 2007

a little inventory

yawn, i did not sleep well. too much coffee at ihop...ugh

so we've got one load moved to our new town. N's at the inspection now.

we've got wedding clothes...i just have to pack us up, dress us for rehearsal, and i think it'll be a lovely event. back home by sunday to keep packing.

monday, julie will have to help me figure out how we're going to pack up and move all these animals. that's all i'm going to say about that for now.

it is weird...this all seemed so slow and painful, and now it's just zipping by. it's overwhelming. i said good bye to park days last week. i know i'll have more park days, but these were my first park days and we attended them for three years and, well, they rocked. it was strange to say good bye to it. i was feeling pretty quiet. just kind of left quietly, too. well, i WAS hungover... but it was also peaceful. lot of learning, lot of growing, and i'm at peace with it all. and that is an amazing group of kids...i will miss being a part of their lives so regularly, but i am grateful for the time i got to watch them grow and i know they're all going to make the world a little bit better place.

ok, well, probably the best way to get stuff done is to get off my butt...


Thursday, May 24, 2007

sigh, i'm tired....

but i guess it's a good kind of tired...or as good as it's going to get at this point...

we were so busy today. packed the 26 foot moving van N rented...he drove it up to our new town and filled a friend's garage with our stuff. (thank you friend) i packed and loaded and kept moving stuff over like, "yes, this too..." hehe then i got to take the kids to the mall (gag) after taking them to pick up tuxes. bought millions of dollars worth of wedding clothes. (ok, not millions, but a few hundred. and i realize that whatever i buy n goes into the hand me down pile for the rest of the boys, but sheesh, that was a chunk) then i went to a board meeting for my bunny group at ihop. poor guys, sat at ihop for two and a half hours while we hashed out a graceful exit for the existing board and a promising entrance for the rest. got some good stuff said and worked through, and then sweetness...they gave me a really beautiful necklace and an even more beautiful card for my going away was the sweetest thing. i am constantly humbled by the paths we get to walk that we never even expect...and richness that comes from it. again, i learn it's good that i'm not in charge. whoever is does a better job than i could figure out...i am grateful for my time with this group, the ways it has challenged and grown me, and the amazingly wonderful people i've been graced by walking with...

ok, i've tried on my wedding clothes and determined that as long as i don't eat that day, i'll be fine. chuckle, chuckle... i think we'll all be well outfitted. well, at least we shouldn't embarrass anyone. now if we could only be sure e will actually walk down the aisle and the rings will make it with him, life will be good. many prayers and blessings to mario and lindsey as they prepare for their day. i hope, as a community, we do well raising them up and supporting them in their journey. wedding is truly a gift...and like most gifts, we might wonder at times what we're supposed to do with this, or think about what else would've been better in its place, or just generally not appreciate it...but like my necklace tonight, it often brings sweetness and humility and gratitude in amazingly graceful ways...

peace out all

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


i really don't even know why to say, but i signed on, so there must've been something i was thinking about, looking to unload...

i am too old to drink a lot AND stay up late. it does not feel good in the morning...well, or much of the rest of the next day.

i have boundary issues. my whole life i've always had really, really close friends. and the ones who weren't...well, i'd get kind of pissed at them. i've never had a poker face, always worn my emotions openly, and i've always tried really hard to not piss people off, no matter why or how reasonable it was or wasn't. bottom line....i'm a little different. and i'm glad. i think i will learn to set better boundaries in new relationships and appreciate the boundaries in the relationships i have. makes me think of the mending fences poem...

i've really enjoyed making jewelry the past few weeks. this is good. it is therapeutic. and it looks good on, too... (haha)

i have a really great mama tribe. they are so diverse and i am so blessed by these beautiful people in my life.

my husband is pretty wonderful, too. hell, the kids, too.... (getting all sheepish)

i guess i'm pretty fucking lucky. well, it's a good thing i opened up my blog today...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

how, exactly, does one surrender?

i am trying hard, but it is not coming easily. ok, maybe i'm not really to the trying hard part, yet. maybe i'm mostly thinking hard about trying hard...

"i'm rubber, you're glue. whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you." i see the edge to this statement, but otherwise, isn't it ultimately about surrender. not absorbing everyone's feelings? allowing someone to say something in your presence without taking it on as "my shit"... ok, maybe not the sticks to you part... i'll have to find a better mantra...


Monday, May 21, 2007

whoa...hug your kids

so today was a thought-provoking kind of day. i went to visit a friend, and not far down from her house (not far at all) there was an accident. a young man on a motorcycle ran into a tractor. those who saw it said he didn't look very good. but after listening to them describe his injuries, i think there's a chance he'll make it. we'll have to see...

it was weird driving up on the scene. it was just a house or two down from my friend's house, and there were all these lights--firetrucks, police was obvious someone was hurt. and i was scared for a minute it was someone who lived in my friend's house. but then i figured it was too close to me, not close enough to her... i was relieved. but sad someone in our human tribe over here in the texas coastal area was hurt. everyone thought he was dead. i can't even imagine seeing a person crumpled on the ground bleeding. apparently, his leg was pretty badly injured. but that won't necessarily kill him... we'll just have to see. i think jeanni and i were praying at the same time...or nearly the same time...for this kid, with our families.

she kept talking about kids thinking they were bulletproof. what i know is that i can't protect them from they grow into their own people, they will always choose ultimately. hell, even o, at seven, posed the "big question"...."AM I FINISHED YET?" to which was responded, "NO". kids escape death so often, and so many times without anyone else knowing how truly deeply they "questioned".... maybe that's it. or part of it. kids are more in tuned with their mortality. the further we get from that separation of individual spirit and collective goodness, the more we falsely convince ourselves we are in charge and it is up to us to stay alive. maybe that's why little ones wear out big ones. because they are flexible and free, not just in their bodies or young consciousnesses, but in their spirits, where it matters. and we, well, we're kind of stiff and tethered to our defenses, our comforts, our habits. i will think about this today. and not the other crap that's clogging my brain...hehe


keep on keeping on

man, ain't that the truth?

continued house hunting...put in an offer on a house we really like...we'll see what comes back. we set a deadline--tomorrow at 5pm...we're learning, we're learning. so we've somewhat got a handle on that. or are getting a handle.

came home and slept like a rock. i sleep much better when i don't go crazy with the drinking. which makes eating the better vice...but i was kind of enjoying slimming down a little... where's the balance?

mama tribe stuff is still a little wonky. all i can do is try to be the best i can be. i know i was ugly, and i apologized, and i can't let the ugly time define me...although i usually would. but i've tried to make things right, and i deserve forgiveness just as much as the next person. so i refuse to hide. but, well, it's tempting... it's almost as hard to make myself go out and act like i am ok about this as it would be just to ball up and disconnect... and i'm sure, one day down the line, i'll be able to find the wisdom and life lessons in all of this...

for now, i'll take the kids visiting a bit.
peace out

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

just keep swimming, yeah, yeah, yeah

left foot, right foot, breathe... it's all good. ok, that's an overstatement. it's all...yeah, that's right.

so our agent just dropped the ball, didn't care, overstated what he was capable of, underdelivered... man, i just didn't want that to be it. (man, my chest is hurting today) now, well, now we'll just see. because i'm having a hard time giving a fuck. i was on the ride, and i was COMMITTED...just like i thought everyone else was committed. well, that turned out to be a load of shit. so whatever... i just want to get somewhere so the kids and i can pull our school stuff out and start having stuff in common again. the animals can start getting a normal groove on. maybe we can plant some stuff... i just want to put down some roots. i've been pulling these up and hoping for the best, but it has been windy and i am worn and sore and weary...

but there are many i'm raising up these days. and to all those loved ones (whether they know it or not) thanks...i love you all. sorry for the frustration and self pity, but i am also raising you up pretty wholly.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

good will

so, it's been a nice day, but a mess in my head, sorta... it's funny. you can tell a story to a room full of people, but if they don't really give a shit about you or what you're talking about, it's just white noise. but add some caring, and it's a life lesson. (or something similar)

i have lots of good will. it's just that i have these anxieties making some static and it's not so obvious there's still tons of good will left there. i guess i like people who will help me kind of "neutralize" the static so that the good will can flow... anyway, i need to learn to neutralize this shit on my own, because it gets obvious when you've had lots of static, people run out of good will... :) but i'll be darned if more people who have the energy to care about what you're saying don't show up anyway.

my mom used to tell me my song was one by simon and garfunkel, "i am a rock"... hohohohehehe not lately. but maybe i need to reconnect with that nomad in me...that island. i just feel like life has been pretty rough lately. and i don't think it's something i have to learn to deal with... i don't plan on my life being this way often. like, ever again. these are extenuating circumstances. i am winging this. and i can't deny that i resent winging it on my own. like i somehow stopped playing the right way, so fly solo little bird. but whatever. i don't have the energy to deal with this. my friend marcy tonight said, "i never think about other people" and it just struck me hilarious. i mean, normally, i would think that a rather selfish statement. but today, it just struck me as brilliant. i know that's change, but is it growth?


Monday, May 14, 2007

play pretend?

there was a time in my married life that N and i just seemed so overwhelmed by so much negativity (ok, there have been many times...but this one spell stands out in my mind)... because... i remember just looking at him and saying, "let's just pretend things are fine for awhile...let's just pretend all this other shit isn't happening, all these things haven't been said, and let's just pretend we're wildly in love with each other." i thought it was brilliant, but he looked at me like i'd just suggested we roll around naked in chocolate pudding. (which he probably would've liked the sound of better than the pretending idea, but that's another topic for another day...or maybe not).

anyway, i was just thinking about pretending like i know exactly where i'm going in life and how i'm going to get there. and like i have this fabulous circle of friends (which isn't that big of a stretch really) who are so at peace and joyful and we all just click so well and fit in so well and it's all just so damned peachy. hmmmm.... i'll probably need much beer for this... well, it's an idea, dammit!


"make me calm"

soooo, i am not a very good wait-er... as in, i don't wait well. i like to plan stuff...and when you DON'T KNOW what is going to happen or HOW THINGS WILL turn out, well, that really makes planning pretty freaking difficult. which means you just have to WAIT to see how things unfold, and that brings me back to that whole I AM NOT A GOOD WAIT-ER thing. sigh

today's title comes from a woman my mama friend patsy used to work with. she was in a group home, and i want to say she had down's syndrome or something. anyway, the woman also had anxiety issues and took a drug called buspar. whenever she'd get agitated, patsy would ask her if she'd taken her buspar. the woman would say something like, "yeah and buspar make me calm"...only patsy did her voice so well it would almost make me pee my pants. the moral of the story is, i think i could use some buspar right now...

i get so worked up, i don't do anything...and that drives me crazy. i just keep telling myself if i can hold on for a few more weeks, life will not be so damned crazy....but i feel like this guy, the cliffhanger, on this show the kids watch..."can't.hold.on.much.LONGER...."


Monday, May 7, 2007

i wish i knew how to quiet my head

i bet americans say this more than any other nationality... why are our heads so noisy? is it preservatives? environmental pollutants? vaccinations? shampoo? hairspray? lotion? cell phones? fluoride? insect repellent? patriarchy? television? not enough physical activity? lack of vitamins? too much take-out? too much instant gratification? not enough Jesus? too much Jesus? i just don't know....

i have this chorus of voices in my head that are painful, actually... not really, but my head often pulses with the drone of second guessing, doubt, anxiety... it's like i'd love someone to accept me in my messed up entirety. and i know that's where Jesus comes in, or self-acceptance, or co-dependency....haha i have this girlfriend who just doesn't think that much about it. well, she actually says it's short term memory failure. i wish i could have that... (that just sounds sick)

part of the loudness is that my heart is breaking. but it is ok. it gets to be put back together again, heal, and be a little stronger. (although, secretly i worry that it's really too large and i'll probably die young...right after i get through this terrible decade or so and right when i start to actually get good at shit, i'll probably drop dead of a fucking heart attack...all the fried chicken, lack of exercise, and self-induced the obvious mental illness) anyway, i just thought i'd put a little of this out there. give my head a chance to quiet at least a bit. feels really alone sometimes. how's that? so much loneliness... so many fucking people standing around being lonely. i may have to figure out a way to draw that...


Sunday, May 6, 2007

ahem, i am feeling true to myself

i have always been a person who liked to please others. i mean, understand, i get pleasure out of doing it...more like a high...a get the picture. but this means that what i want, or what i think is right, or WHATEVER has often been determined by whatever whoever i'm trying to please thinks...not by my own values, ethics, morals. (ok, wait a minute... i do have values, ethics, and morals. i'm just not good at choosing a course of action that is always true to them because sometimes it just didn't occur to me that what i was doing to please someone else might be not ok to me in my own head)

ok, i'm starting to sound like a nut job here. and maybe i truly am a nut job. but if i am, then it feels good to be honest about it. i am tired of pleasing others, and rejuvenated by doing what i think is right. by apologizing when i've pissed someone off, even if i didn't mean to...but SAYING that i didn't mean to and not changing myself for that. sometimes i can do the same thing over and over, and it's not until that person is stressed about something specific that that same thing pisses them off, offends them, hurts them. and then i can say i'm sorry, but i don't have to write it down and remember never to do that again. EPIPHANY!!! (i realize this may be inborn for some...i think so for my spouse...but i am just now learning this in my 30s...and i'm not even fucking ashamed, so there) :)

for the first fucking time in a few weeks, i am ok with being me. god, i needed this. now i need to clean an aquarium...truly.