detaching

I read this little prayer awhile back...

lord, help me to horizontally detach and vertically realign.

that's simple...elegant...makes the shapes of a cross...cute...I get it it...POW.  then I really got it.  detach horizontally...from the things that keep me rooted in the HERE...in the stagnant...sometimes even in the past...and realign vertically...up....toward Christ...my primary attachment...keep me moving forward and progressing and growing.

so I had my first migraine a month ago.  menstrual migraine, my husband has diagnosed...and I concur.  which left me with some dread.  because I don't know about you, but I menstruate about every four weeks or so.  and that meant this was probably not going to be a one time event, and that I would also know when it was coming (nice for the heads-up, but also cause for some dread).  so, last week, as I noticed I was feeling like everything sucked, and I was kind of hating people I don't normally hate, and I was entirely too focused on myself as the source and cause of everything wrong in the world....I was, as usual, glad to realize my period was probably coming and my attitude would adjust so I didn't have to feel like I really had to DO anything about all of these feelings, AND I also wanted to cry a little because I wondered if I would get another migraine.

I did have a hell of a headache...complete with a little dizziness and nausea and some pretty auras...on Friday afternoon.  so I slept a lot.  and then finally relented and took an Excedrin migraine.  and THAT was a little magical and fantastic.  I made it through Friday night, preparing my house for a huge party of teens and preteens and their families, complete with padded sword making and hot dogs and chili and s'mores.  and I woke up Saturday to no headache, but I had a pretty rough first day of my period with about thirty or so people here, half of them bashing each other with padded swords.  it was lovely and I made it through.  and that felt almost as good as my first half marathon, to tell the truth.  my head was only a little woozy at times, and my legs were only a little cramped this morning from walking so clamped together yesterday (insert dramatic eye roll here).

when I woke up this morning, I had a pretty big headache.  sigh.

I look back at yesterday, and I feel so grateful for such an amazing group of friends.  I start to wonder who I missed, who might be mad that I didn't invite them, and my brain stops working.  "i'm tired," it says, "and i'm not wasting my energy traveling down that stupid road."  uhm, ok.  so then I start thinking about all the funny stuff said, all the smiles...and then I start wondering if I offended anyone without realizing it.  and my brain shuts down again.  "really, I don't have the energy for this shit.  do you want to get a migraine from worrying?  seriously?  is it worth it?"  so I remember the laughing, the playing, the good stuff.

I have learned, in this short experience with migraines, not to depend so much on my own perception of things.  because my hindsight is a little fuzzy, and a lot weighed down at times with a fog of hurt, a fog of exhaustion, a fog of maybe a little confusion.  i'm  just not at the top of my game.  and it's okay.  because I am definitely detaching horizontally.  looking forward.  hoping people can see in my eyes, in my smile, how happy I am to see them.  how much I like them.  even if I can't remember if I actually said any of that to them.

yes, i'll probably end up making a doctor appt soon about these headaches.  just 'cuz.  but I think it's fairly typical and straightforward...especially given how screwed up the women's hormones in my family get around this stage of life.  I do not know how so many people live with migraines, though.  if this much of our population experiences pain like this so regularly, no wonder we're a pain-phobic, stressed out culture.  this is pretty bad. 

peace out