woofing and nursing

so, i have a few thoughts to get down...my head needs the extra space.

my dogs. a friend of mine who is a dog person taught me how to correct my dogs behavior when it was out of line...like when they were nipping at the smaller children in my house. it doesn't involve hitting, which i liked, because all my life, i've never seen a dog hit another dog. bark, growl, even bite, yes, but never hit. so i've got this trick i can use. but then i find myself going to use it sometimes just because she's severely annoyed me, not that she's put anyone in danger or anything. and then i wonder if she's just looking at me, waiting for me to show signs of weakness, so she can overtake me and be the alpha dog of the house... i know, i know, i have an active imagination. but i also have serious concerns about my addiction to power. or maybe not even power, but my addiction to behaviors that overwhelm those around me. once i have something that works, i'll keep using it, and in the meantime, i stop thinking, making a decision as to whether this is an appropriate time or not, quit using my judgment. just keep on doing whatever is easier. i just thought i'd have this under better control by my thirties. but i'll keep working on it, and we'll see where we get...

nursing...

i have not mentioned, or at least not in great detail, that e and i stopped the nursing. i can't say i weaned him, and i can't say he weaned himself. it was a mutual decision made because mama's "owie nurses" (eczema) needed to get better and it meant using a medicine that wasn't safe for him. so we agreed. but a month and a half later, once the eczema is cleared and the nurses are all better, well, dammit, there's no milk. so i think he feels cheated. he made the right decision, but no one ever mentioned the nurses might dry up... i feel rotten. but i think nursing extendedly has done wonders for me as a parent and as a person. i feel like in the last three years i've become more empathetic and patient. but ironically, e's having such a hard time falling asleep, i feel like i'm being challenged in a greater capacity then i can handle, and i'm totally fucking up all the great stuff i've learned. shit...

ok, maybe i can settle down to read a bit...
peace

a different world

i've seen these words lately... in reference to a song by a man that was the 8th runner up on american idol. i read the words because the title made me think of a show i really used to like a long time ago called the same thing... i wrote them today because sometimes i think there's a world entirely in my head, completely different from the one around me. and i'm not just talking about the elephant and the blind men stuff from the Bible, although maybe it's the same and i'm just being melodramatic. but it seems different. (hehe)

anyway, suffice to say, i feel a little out of touch, a little shaky in my ability to trust my interpretations, and just a little disconnected from everyone and everything. but when i'm not fighting that sensation, it's not so bad. just a little less intense.

what's the opposite of repressed? damn, i already packed the thesaurus...

ok, well, back to life. i'm sure there are things to be done. even though i have to keep the house in a condition that doesn't look like anyone does any REAL living here, i do think there might be a few things that need to be done... prayer going out for this house to sell....

peace

breathe.. (cough, cough)

i'm feeling pretty accepting of where things are right now. the house isn't perfect, but it's a heck of a lot closer than it was... i think we just might be able to DO this... (maybe...)

i don't really have lots to say... oh, the cough, cough part is in reference to the colds N and i brought back from visiting our home town, that i think we've been ever so generous enough to share with our children... i'm not 100% sure, but they're talking about their throats hurting. and if they are getting it, it's taking a lot longer for them to grow it than it took N and i...but they don't have the rampant pollen of said home town challenging their immune systems either... (i don't know...)

there are a few shout outs i'd like to do, but i'm just tired today, so maybe tomorrow...

peace

april already?

so i'm home alone today. this is a first and it feels pretty weird. the kids are at a friend's house...a damned good friend, i might add. see, i don't just farm my kids out to whoever says ok. i want them to be with someone who at least loves them a little and appreciates them. and this friend, well, let's just say sometimes she sees more positive, interesting, beautiful things about my kids than i do. it's important to know people like that. and it's really important to keep them around as much as possible...

so my job today is to clean my house and make it look like a home someone might want to buy. i think i can accomplish this. at least to some degree greater than i was able to with four children, two dogs, and five rabbits in the house. oh, and N and i nursing the colds/allergy issues we brought back from our home town last weekend.

lindsey's shower went off well. i can't believe she's getting married. well, that's bullshit...i can believe it. i'm just feeling very happy for her. there's just so much i wanted to say to her, but it all boils down to "take care of each other"... i know they will. and when they don't, they'll find their way back, i'm sure...

so maybe next weekend, we'll go look at homes in this new town we'll be moving to. this makes me nervous for some reason. i just want to start moving NOW...

ok, i just wanted to check in... one more cup of coffee, then it's time to work...

peace