and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

looking ahead

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

made it through

for now anyway...

it was alright, even though i didn't get counseled today. hoperadio gave me a call and we laughed and were generally miserable together, which is great fun when you can do it in a humorous way...which is a highly underrated talent, by the way, but one that, thank god, we both possess.

and then i spent the evening with my robotics team. i don't believe i have mentioned here that our competition is this saturday. and i'm not really good with competition. like, i think everyone should get a prize just for showing up and trying. and it's really kind of funny because my co-coach is pretty comfortable competing. she's a pusher. and that's fine. sometimes we need pushers...i know this. but this whole week before competition/trying to pull it all together/let's try not to forget where our happy place is is kind of frying my nerves a little. i mean, i'm sure i'll make it through. and my teenager is starting to talk to me about this stuff...and listen to me too. so hopefully i won't corrupt him too much...i don't know.

ok, now, i had one more quote from eragon i wanted to put here...it's from brom again.

"Keep in mind that may people have died for their beliefs; it's actually quite common. The real courage is in living and suffering for what you believe."

i'm almost finished with eldest. and while i really love this book, harvesting quotes from it isn't as easy. so i'll save them for when i'm finished.

now i must go work on the poster for my robotics team. and i suppose i should also throw together some cookies for the end of semester shindig my cooperative effort is giving itself tomorrow. thank god i got all the stuff i needed for that event ready last week, which is very unusual for me to be ready ahead of time, but enough of a delight that i may actually attempt this again another time....if i can remember.
peace out

it's getting better

the muscles are finally ending their loud, painful protest. the foot?...uh, no. but it'll get there... and i guess i'll just have to stay off the treadmill til it gets better...sigh...(muwahahaha)

there's another shirt i thought of that i saw...in my dreams, i'm a kenyan...i think i need this sticker. or the one that says marathon ho, i'm not sure which.

today was good. it was our last day for the semester in co-op. i'm still amazed at how difficult it was to put together and how easily it ran...and continues to run. and i love the kids. i mean like toe curling love the kids. it's a blast.

the kids and rock climbing...there's a class of college kids that climb at that gym after the homeschool class. today was their final. there was a route marked, and the last holds were graded...match here for an 80....match here for an 85. they moved in five point increments to the last hold, which i must say was a bitch of a reach, up to 100. my oldest son got to 100...with all the college kids watching, mouths agape. he really climbs quite gracefully and has a fair amount of technique to draw on. his eyes were lit up afterward. and i have to temper myself...i don't want him to crow like a rooster, but i can't deny him the sensation of being thrilled with his accomplishment. i might end up turning him into me if i do that...no, introspection is not always warm and fuzzy...bla my second born scored a ninety on the route...not bad for a ten year old, hey? and the nine year old scored an eighty. but i think that's probably because he went first...headstrong, pushy child that he is. they also did this really crazy, really cool work out today. the rock climbing instructors are learning to loosen up, broaden what they're teaching, and really make it fun (and relevant) for these kids. it's a blast watching and i know the kids are loving it.

and then there's still the college thing. teenager still wants to go. i guess that will be my primary job tomorrow...scheduling the things that need to happen to get him there. it still feels kind of weird.

and my spouse...i have been avoiding a lot of this discussion because...well, a lot of reasons. it is tender. it is old. it is repetitive. it is huge, it is not so huge all at the same time. it confuses me. it challenges me, too. it feels sometimes like a brick wall that i run into, knocking the wind out of me. other times it feels like a phantom i've dreamt up and isn't real at all. and i think i'm about talked out on that for now....

ok, teenager has friends over. all the sons get so excited when there are more males here to spend the night. it gets kind of loud. it requires much food. it reminds me of another marathon shirt i saw sunday...this sounded like a good idea three months ago.
peace

rolling along

went to see the-rapist yesterday. (was it yesterday? yeah...yesterday was monday, right?) and that was good. nothing major that i needed help working on...just went through a bunch of stuff. she listened. commented when she felt like it. i listened. it was good stuff...

spent yesterday cleaning my house up. well, first i ran errands with my eldest. (who my youngest calls the teenager) bought plants for his experiment for biology, dog food and rabbit food, and then ice cream. just the essentials, you know? THEN i cleaned house. and bathed my dogs. just the little one, really. the big one is, well, too big and i don't like to bathe her a lot. so eldest brushed her while i bathed the little dog, miss kitty. now they're inside, which is where they belong, but since moving a year and a half ago, it has not been a smooth transition for the dogs. we have carpet and it's just generally sucked trying to bring them in. and then i get tired or overwhelmed and the dogs keep living outside, only coming in at night, which is not the way we roll. but it has been the way we've been rolling...so we've not been rolling very well, very true. and bringing the dogs in helped that. (why does it seem i was spiraling around this concept? spreading it out further and further, making it longer and longer, getting near the point, but then making another loop?...i dont' know...maybe it's just me.)

i sort of prepared for co-op last night. and i helped my children get all of their homework done. mostly it was eldest who had homework. it has just been so busy. and there's my spouse, all

"so why are we doing this so late on monday night?"
and i'm like, "don't be an ass."
and he says, "well, i don't mean to be an ass and i realize it's not really inspirational, but it needs to be said so that he'll think about this next time."
and so i say, "yeah? when do you think you'll get to your research project due this year, dear? last minute like your whole life? maybe some people will think about it but others are just looking for their chance to be the ass, ok?"
and we laugh. (thank god we laughed...hehe)

today was co-op. and rock climbing. the rock climbing teacher is trying to find a way to get eldest on their climbing team. it is entirely too expensive for us to finance this. we are stretching ourselves to remain members of the gym and let the kids take the class. but he was commenting on what a graceful climber eldest is. graceful. he's been my kid his whole life and i don't think he's ever done a thing that someone would call graceful. he has always been so challenged in balance and gross motor stuff. but he does climb gracefully. with this big old body he's growing...i mean big young body he's growing, it's like his wings are finally in.

and that is the best part about rolling along right now. when they were babies, i remember not wanting to look away from them for a minute...fearful i'd miss something. i wanted to absorb it all, remember it all, be there to see and feel it all...mostly because i had a sense of how fleeting it was. and when i'd see other babies, i'd remember mine being babies, too..and that sense. but now i look at them, and i feel remarkably the same way. like i need to memorize every aspect of them because they are growing and they are changing...they are becoming their own people...in ways so different from when they were babies...deeper...more complex. listening to their words, hearing their humor, watching their eyes. this is all so fleeting, too. i enjoy my children in ways i never anticipated. they are amazing people. i am so proud of them and happy for them. they are not perfect...and indeed, their imperfections and how they handle that are some of the things i'm most amazed by. i guess we hold on to these times because we don't know what the future holds. but so far, the future's been a good place. and we just keep rolling along...

peace

some fragments of a tuesday

tuesdays are really busy days. co-op til noon and then rock climbing til 3pm. drop off an extra kiddo we have afterward and we're usually home around four. so although i rarely blog on tuesdays (i think), there were just some things i needed to put on here to remember...

--conversation in my car...we were listening to iron man by black sabbath.

extra child says, "i think ozzy osbourne is blind."
my teenager says, "no, he just wears those glasses that make him look like john lennon."
extra child says, "oh, like the beetle your brother found today."
teenager says, "well, i named him john lennon because he was a beatle and it was a beetle, you know?"
then teenager and extra child look at each other, and both say, at the same time, "scarab rock!"

it cracked me up to hear the conversation go from ozzy and black sabbath to john lennon and the beatles and then jump, suddenly, to smashing pumpkins...and that all of those things are things they share a common knowledge of and interest in...

--earlier today, during the biology class at the co-op, the biology kids were doing a lab on bacteria. they were using petri dishes to grow out bacteria, but also testing different antiseptic or antibacterial solutions to see which were more effective against which bacteria. teacher asked them to take their swabs and swab "germy places." three kids swabbed the light switches or door knobs or whatever...one kid swabbed his butt. telling you, you gotta watch out for those hsers...they know no boundaries... (i LOVE this story...the kid's dad is a doc, i'll mention in case any one's grossed out by the idea...)

--my kids were rocking the whole rock climbing thing today. they really have gotten so good at it...and they still seem to love it so much. i hope their love lasts...until about next august...then i think it'd be fine for them to find something else to love and be good at...preferably something a little cheaper...

--i got to meet my friend's mom today. she brought the monkeys to co-op while my friend is out of town. what a nice, nice woman. i really love the community we have going at co-op. it feels tenuous at times, and that's probably more my shit than anything else, but i still really appreciate the community.

--and i had this weird break through in my head about my mom today. i was thinking about the wedding i'd been to...all the lesbian couples there. and, for some reason, my brain started playing with the idea of how she'd handle it if i were in a lesbian relationship, while i was doing stuff like brushing my teeth, and my hair, whatnot... anyway, i could hear my mom getting all sanctimonious about what is right and wrong and moral or immoral...yes, i realize i'm making this up...i've learned to just give my subconscious a little free reign in getting me to understand some of the stuff she knows...so anyway, my mom's getting all sanctimonious, and i'm telling her it's fine, that i didn't expect her to understand or be okay with this. BUT, i tell her, BUT i want you to know that i'm pissed off and disappointed with you, too. yes, this is pretty different for me to say to her. so i proceed to tell her that my whole childhood was about her dating, about her marriages, about her divorces...that comparatively, little of my childhood was about my life. and that she can tell me all she wants about how she judges my choices, or the choices of the world, and that i would never, EVER tell her how i judge hers, but that she's kidding herself if she thinks all of that was just water under the bridge, and that it in no way affected the child she brought along for the ride in those years. and since she's always bringing the bible into stuff, isn't there something about people in glass houses and throwing stones?...

like i said, it was all in my head. but i'd been thinking a lot about my anger toward my mom. and how to get to the bottom of it...you know, in order to start really letting it go instead of just avoiding it. and i don't know if this is the bottom of it...but it felt like a start to getting there. and yeah, after i finished that line of thought, i just finished getting dressed and went to co-op. weird, isn't it?

--i was consumed by and eventually gave into a need for fried okra. no, i don't always understand these things...

--my sister had an ultrasound on her breast today. they skipped the mammogram. i don't know what it is about our funky genes, but i had my first breast ultrasound at 22 and she's 30... so that was part of my day, too.

there was other stuff. the kid in my art class who complained when, after laying out his collage, i asked him to glue it to the page. he said, "can't we just watch tv or play video games instead?" that was a little mind boggling... when my philosophy class finally understood why friendship could be defined as meeting yourself in another person and holding on. hearing the grammar class sing iron man...it was really kind of cute and made me wonder what the hell they were doing in there...but in a way that made me smile, of course.

so there...i took a little time to think clearly on a tuesday. along with the laundry and getting everyone fed and driven around and dropped off relatively on time, i'd say i've covered ALL my bases today...
peace

yawn, snort, sigh

if i had a dollar for every time i've said "i'm so tired" this week...i might not be rich, but i could definitely buy dinner for my family.

i think it's something in the air. i think it's allergens of some sort that started messing with my family back when we visited my uncle's lake house. yet it continues. my eyes are dry and itchy. and my head feels achy. but otherwise, i'm doing alright. my kids are kind of grumpy, too. especially the teenager. and he's kind of cute because i think he's trying not to be a shit to everyone...but then he kind of is a shit to everyone and it blows that whole cute thing...oh well. i don't think he cares too much about whether i think he's cute or not anyway.

our cooperative went well today. two preschoolers came to my art class and participated. that was cool. particularly because neither of these two particular preschoolers do much without their mamas. and yes, their mamas were also in my class today, but hey, it's a start. and that's what's important to me. i can see the potential for these girls to be a part of things, sans mamas, say, six weeks down the line. not a definite thing...but the possibility. and possibility is an exciting thing. especially if you're in my philosophy class. which didn't go quite as well today. i don't know if i was too foggy in the head or just not well prepared enough, but it was kind of all over the place today. i do think we can sort it out some next week...you know, once i figure out how to do that.... but the kids did have a good time with plato's cave allegory today. i thought we'd act it out, but instead decided to just read it to them and let them visualize it. i think they liked the part where they had to pretend they were chained to their chairs while they listened best.

i love the opportunity to teach in this co-op. i love that we are small enough that we can really care about each others' kids...i mean, honestly, we all know each other. most of these kids have been in my house before they were in my classroom. i've had beer or wine with most of these mamas. it's a family atmosphere and i am really grateful for that. because each class has its objectives, each child brings their gift, and each teacher cares enough about both to be gentle and not lose sight of the people we all are. after talking to a friend who teaches in a public school last night, i never appreciated all of these things in this co-op more. my friend is a good teacher. and it's odd to see what public education has done to her. not that public education is evil. not that it's the problem. just that i know what a good person and an exceptional educator my friend is...and while i realize the school year is still young...and while i realize she has more kids in her classroom than any sane person should ask another to take on...and while i realize she was just venting and working through some of the stress of the day...it was still somewhat disheartening. and i love this woman...i truly do.

so again i find myself grateful...albeit tired at the same time.

and i'm still thinking over this whole ego thing...but i don't have much figured out, to be honest. just feeling my way through still...
peace

first day of cooperative

sigh, what a great, great thing we've done... i had soooo much fun. and the kids...oh man, they were in heaven.

e loved his classes...math was the favorite. (she brought an electric card shuffler...this was, in a word, genius...well, i almost said cheating, but i don't want to be bitter...it was freaking genius) then i did an art class where we matched paintings and then we did our own paintings...e called his "charger" and the other student (yep, there're only two littles for now) called his "at the park"....guess what it was of... they finished the day with spanish, which i also believed they loved, but it was unanimous...math rocked.

s and o did spanish first. then writing and grammar, which sounded like they were having a good time. and their last class was philosophy with me...oh man, i LOVE that class... s and o said they liked their classes a lot, but s was kind of sleepy and shy and i will say that out of all the kids in my philosophy class (seven), my two were the least talkative, with o being more chatty than s by far...so i'm thinking s was a little sleepy and trying to figure stuff out the first day.

n had founding documents...he's reading the magna carta for next week, i think. then speech. then biology. he sounded pretty happy with his classes.

so let me talk about philosophy for a minute... first of all, i was so RELIEVED at how much the kids were ready to talk...i only had to remind them a few times that we had to speak one at a time. and the two emily dickinson poems we did? easy shmeasy. ok, not really. but the kids stuck them out, picked out the words they didn't know, worked to understand them and put them together to figure the poems out and we actually left off with a pretty good understanding of what dwelling in possibility meant. one of my students, when i gave them their journals and asked them to draw or write what possibility was, said the empty page was like possibility...nothing and everything at the same time. that almost made me cry. then when we were talking about imagination and what it felt like to be imaginative...the kids were talking about imagination being dreaming...that was cool. and they all talked about how good it felt to be imaginative or thinking or meditating. and they were the ones to make the leap between imagination and dwelling in possibility...the limitless opportunities, the freedoms. it was awesome. i'll share the poem they wrote together as a class, modeled after dickinson's "i'm nobody. who are you?" these kids are brilliant.

my spouse left me a card and a plant to congratulate me for being part of getting this co-op rolling. it was pretty freaking sweet.

so now, i nap. snort... well, i think i will rest for a bit. then work on getting the shit organized that i stupidly left until, well, now to organize. (that probably would've been good to have done, oh, say, before today.) but live and learn....that's what i always (starting now) say...live and learn.
peace