Wednesday, April 7, 2010

still learning...always learning

i have this post about judgment brewing, but it's not for tonight. tonight i went to an adoration service with my teen, and we heard a speaker, and that's what i want to write about.

it wasn't just my teen and i...i took the babiest girl, too. and then the other three joined us once their religious ed classes were over. there was a speaker tonight from another youth ministry in another town. he wasn't the best speaker, but he made so many jokes about what a bad speaker he was and what he would've done differently if he were a good speaker, that you couldn't help but like him by the end.

my teen's been asking me to attend these once monthly adoration services with him, but i know he doesn't mind going alone. and i've felt kind of proud to watch him go alone, to tell the truth. but i knew he was kind of waiting for me to go, so i went ahead and went tonight. and i'll admit, it ran through my head that i could actually have a few minutes to myself tonight if i didn't go. but i've been working on being a vehicle for love...not the genesis of it, but a vehicle. so i decided to leave behind my selfish desire and join the group. and i'm so glad i did.

the speaker tonight talked about love. he asked what the opposite of love was, but then he just went ahead and told us (i think he was trying not to forget his point right in the start...). he said the opposite of love is lust. and that really surprised me. i'd never thought about that before. but as the love he was speaking about was godly love, selfless love, then lust as a selfish love meant to fulfill your own desire made a whole lot of sense to me. i've been playing with the concept all night in my mind.

the people i know that i feel the most drawn to and that i admire the most seem to be filled with a godly love...a love that comes from something bigger and beyond them, a love that is their beginning and end. they share it easily and reflect it readily. they're just fun to be around. you always receive something from them, if it's just feeling better for some reason you can't pinpoint or if it's something more specific like a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen or even a hand to hold. but when i've tried, consciously tried to be that way, i often feel like whatever someone will receive will come from being the generator of something positive for someone else. and i haven't always failed. but i have often ended up wondering what all the hoopla was about, because sometimes it can leave you feeling quite icky and empty and even resentful. but when i give, focusing on how i'll feel or even just focusing on myself as the giver, i think that's more self-centered love than i mean to be giving. and according to this speaker, it's lust. and i have greatly desired to be loved in my life. and that's the opposite of the godly sense. which really, is the only sense of the word to me.

this feels pretty disjointed because it is still pretty fresh in my mind, new to my thoughts, and something i'm still stumbling over as i roll around in this new area of contemplation....

the music was really good tonight and the people were awesome. and babiest girl was the sweetest little thing...


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