channel

today was good. i am bone tired...but today was good.

my oldest is at what is called discipleship week. he's spending four days and three nights with a team of kids, learning about his faith and, i imagine mostly, himself. it is an awesome experience to get to watch a young person develop their own spirituality, to be able to share in some of that, be inspired and touched by it. it's been raining like crazy around our area...and though he's spending the week four hours away from here, i imagine he may be getting a little rain, too. i've been praying for him today. we miss him like crazy around here. but there is also a peace, i must admit. no heavy metal playing, no electric guitar in the background. it's not something we're looking for everyday. but knowing that he is off doing important work makes the peace appropriate. i'm sure i'll be crazy electric guitar by the time he gets home.

last weekend was a crazy one. my spouse begins his fourth year of residency next month...you know, on thursday. but he pulled call like a fourth year this weekend, heretofore called chief call. chief call sucks. in the beginning, i'm told. i'm told after the first few months, the other residents will stop calling the chief on call all the time. one can hope, but i don't know... i mean, i guess it must be true, because seriously, how could you ever convince someone to take chief call for a whole year if this is how it's going to go? my spouse tries very hard to avoid cesarean deliveries. but all weekend, someone else would call for a cesarean and my spouse would have to come in and do it...even though he wasn't necessarily part of the team that lead up to the decision. and he was called...let me tell you... at seven on friday night. again at two on saturday morning. then he rounded on everyone at six on saturday morning. then another cesarean at two on saturday afternoon. and rounding on everyone sunday morning, with removing an ectopic pregnancy thrown in after rounds. then another cesarean at three o'clock this morning...at which point he just stayed at the hospital for rounds at five and went on with his day, which ended at seven tonight. i took one kid rock climbing practice and the rest swimming so the doc could just come home and sleep. by the time we made it back to pick up the kiddo from climbing practice, in the DRIVING RAIN, he was still asleep and hasn't moved, except to kick off his covers and snore.

babiest girl had a heck of a night. she really enjoys swimming. she really does not enjoy driving in wall to wall rain. and it was such a slow drive.... but her three brothers that were in the car did their best to entertain her, and we made it home and cooked some dinner, bathed her in the kitchen sink, and started nursing her. but she didn't quite fall asleep. and then she got so overtired and wound up, she was kind of absolutely crazy there for awhile. she was biting and tensing and just having a hard time of it. i would hug her tight, and that would help her out for about two minutes. so i just held her and rocked her and it took almost an hour for her to settle into a restless but completely resigned sleep. and while i felt sorry for her that she had such a rough night...and i looked at my diet to figure out what i ate that could've made things so tough for her (too much sugar today...doh)...i have a small confession to make. i did it. i was able to help her fall asleep, help her work through her frustration, and i didn't absorb it. i didn't reflect it. i didn't even feel anything but sympathy for her. so i did it. and i am proud of that. kind of crazily so, because i am very tired. and i also did another good thing tonight. i let the doc sleep. it was kind of hard because it felt like i was doing something nice for him...and i'm ashamed to say, that kind of thinking always makes me think about what has he done that's nice for me lately?...and then i get all frustrated and don't do anything nice for him. but what i did tonight wasn't nice so much as a good thing. he's been getting kind of bossy and unpleasant with the kids, so i just felt like i needed to do something good for the household...everyone in it. i don't know who will appreciate it, or if anyone will. but i think it'll bring good things to my house, and for that i am grateful.

i really think that praying is important. i know that when i do it, i open myself up and good things come through. not something born in me. something that already is good moves through me. and tonight, i felt very humbled and very grateful to be able to channel that. it exhausts me. but it's a good exhaustion to feel like you wore yourself out doing something that put good out there. i imagine it is very similar to the exhaustion my sister and her partner are feeling with their three little ones. yep, i've been praying for them, too.

and good things happened for me today, too. i spent a little time in the sun. i read a book today. holy shmoly, a whole book. yep, it was really short. but i got to finish it. and that was incredible. and some laundry got done, and food was prepared, plans made for the week, a little cleaning done. i'm taking care of my other friend's adopted daughter tomorrow night. another chance to be a channel. i better go get some rest so i'm up for it.

peace

let's just continue

not necessarily with the bitching, although i admit, there will be an update (hanging head in shame).

but first things first...my sister is a mama!!! and i'm not talking about they got a new fish or a new dog or something. they got kids!! three of them! ages one, two, and three. so, like almost triplets! hey, i'm pretty sure we can call them irish triplets. only, they're mexican, and beautiful, and lucky to be my sister's kids. she's gonna rock parenthood...as soon as she gets a nap. but seriously, i'm an auntie. well, we've been through this before...i'm an aint. and i am so freakin excited about that. like, my sister's kids. not my husband's sister's or brother's kids...my sister's kids. this allows me so much more p.o.w.e.r. not that i'm on a power trip or anything, but seriously, it's so much cooler when it's your sibling's kids. (trust me, it just is...) and she has kids. and they're spending their second night at my sister's (and her partner...i don't want to leave her partner out of this) house...lucky little ducks.

so, we also went swimming today. the two little guys, babiest girl, and i. we went to a friend's pool. kids had a blast. and i really like this mama, so i had a really good time, too. lots of time in the sun. and fourth born (or babiest boy, i'm not sure what to call him now that he's staring down seven) learned that he can swim without his floatie...how freakin cool is that?!? well, i'll tell you...it's pretty freakin cool. i felt really good getting home.

then...medicine happened. spouse brought home all this stuff to be grilled. five minutes later, he was paged, and had to go back to the hospital to do a c-section. what?!?! so he starts the coals on the grill. (and can i just say, i realize some mamas would be less than impressed to know that their doc started coals on the grill before he drove up to the hospital to do their cesarean, but seriously, if the docs didn't at least do some stuff like start coals on the grill, their families would probably just move their shit out of the house because they wouldn't even seem like part of the family anymore, you know? like they'd just be some boarder who pays little, but you still have to clean up after him and shit. and i know it is hard to find a good doctor these days...but let me tell you, it is lonely as freakin hell being married to a good doctor. just something to think about. and something i have been needing...like needing in a deep, deep place....to say.) and then he is the fuck out of here. i have to grill. after chauffeuring and life guarding and all that stuff. i don't want to grill. i am not good at grilling. (well, unless it's hot dogs...i rock hot dogs) so i grill. and the grill gets too cold. and i have to bring everything in and finish it in the kitchen (which i am sure i will clean later tonight, but whatever....). and i am trying so hard not to hate him each step of the way tonight. but it eeks out a little at a time. and i feel bad for that. but i just don't have much patience. and i'm equal opportunity no patience person. i have no patience for his job that sucks all his time. and i have no patience for my own frustration. i'm just kind of pissed. oh well. and life goes on. right?

but i will share one cool thing that happened tonight while i was cooking. my teen was holding babiest girl while i was running around flipping chicken quarters on the grill and putting on asparagus and whatever the hell else. and she sees me when i catch a break and am ready to hold her. i walk over to them, and she gets all excited, jumping up and down in teen's arms and squinching up her face in happiness. so i give her the same back...moving my arms and bouncing and squinching my face up in happiness and sweep her up in my arms. then teen looks at babiest girl, looks at me, and rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the same time. and i look at babiest and announce, "it's ok. he doesn't get it. it's a girl thing." and this delights me more than words can explain. because she smiles at me like "yeah, it's a girl thing." and we have our girl moment. something that, in fifteen years of parenting, i've never had. but now i do. cool, huh?

peace

decisions, decisions

i have been trying to decide if i was going to get on my blog today and bitch for awhile, or wax nostalgic about laundry, or write about something like books or whatever, or maybe just try to solve some problem of the world. but yeah, i'm gonna bitch...let me set it up first.

we've been cleaning around here. decluttering and reorganizing are our buzz words. made it through the huge bookshelf in the living room and the little boys' room. three categories for everything...trash can, donate, keep it. we have been making some good progress...the garage is full of stuff we're getting rid of. seriously, it's like a fabulous garage sale that's even more fabulous because it is all free to anyone who wants to come go through it and pick stuff out.

anyway... i was working a little with the big boys in their room today. actually, my preteen was not working in there because he just didn't feel like it, but i am not going to talk about his challenging puberty riddled ass right now, 'k? i was really proud of my teen, because he decided to throw away his f-bomb today. now, he has this f-bomb that his godmother sent him (yes, i know how to pick them, don't i?) when he dropped his first f-bomb two summers ago. and he said today that he was going to get rid of it because he doesn't use it anyway. and there was something very mature and cool about hearing him say that. and then i uttered an f-bomb in his presence and he told me to settle down and i thought i was going to throttle him so i left the room to collect myself.

ok, that didn't all happen right after he told me he didn't need the f-bomb anymore. what happened was, i forgot they had rock climbing practice tonight. they've been up at the gym volunteering anywhere between six and twelve hours a day this week. but they had today off. for robotics. but then robotics was cancelled. and hallelujah, we had some time at home for a change. and i also had book club tonight. and i was going to go to book club and leave the kids at home because tonight happens to be my spouse's late night at work. you know, the spouse who had to take an avocado salad to work today? i haven't mentioned that? well, let me tell you about it...he had to make an avocado salad for work. and when he made it last night, he trashed the whole. damned. kitchen in the process. i mean seriously, how do you get it that messy making one freaking salad? and who the hell did he think was going to clean that mess up as he sat his ass at my computer? well, obviously he KNEW who was cleaning that shit up, because i did a great job of it. and then he had THE NERVE to go to work and leave the damned salad in the fridge. so guess who had to take the salad to him? yes, the same fool who cleaned the kitchen. so i took the teen to the church to practice with the musicians (see how i do that? say i don't have anything to do because there's really only one thing i have to do...but then it turns into a little more...) and when i picked teen up, i called spouse to say i was on the way (i swear, this is what he asked me to do when he called to tell me he forgot the salad...as if i didn't already notice that the minute i opened the fridge this morning) to drop off the salad, and he didn't answer. so i called again. and a doctor who was not my spouse called to tell me that my spouse (and apparently everyone else in their whole department) was delivering a baby and couldn't leave right then, so could i bring it up? only, i'm in the parking lot with teen and the baby driving around. and so i have teen run it up to them so they can have their stupid salad and their world won't crash. (how much you wanna bet they won't all be delivering a baby when it's time to eat that salad? i mean, i don't want to sound totally bitter, but this is just how the universe seems to work out these days...score a couple points for the doctors and zero for marci)

anyway, so after all that, i decided that hells yeah i was going to book club. i'm talking to my bigs about their room...teen's talking about what he'd like to do, preteen is being frustrating...and somewhere in there, i remember they have rock climbing practice tonight. so "oh shit" comes out of my mouth. and right after that, i realize this means i don't have bigs home tonight during book club. that it's me and the three littles til an hour, maybe an hour and a half after book club starts when spouse gets home. and this just takes all the wind out of my sails. and apparently, the wind coming out of my sails sounds like "fuuuuuck" said kind of lowly. but not so low that the teen couldn't hear it. and then he said "hey, settle down" and i left the room because i had tears in my eyes and was going to pound him.

it wasn't that i was mad at him at that moment...that wasn't why i wanted to throttle him. it didn't hurt my feelings that he drew attention to the fact that i was using language in front of them that i don't normally use, that i shouldn't use. i was just so totally pissed. and i don't know that it was all even that big of a deal. but i was still just so pissed. my therapist says it's because i don't have much reserve left. that i had reserve going into this journey with medicine. but that i've used it up. and i think maybe she's right. or at least it feels like she's right...but maybe it just makes me feel better about being an asshole. i mean, i don't necessarily feel good about being an asshole, but i feel better to think there is a reason why. the crap part is that i don't know how to build up my reserves again. i mean, i try to build them up. but then shit like this happens and it just defeats me. it's not even that book club is the shit for me. i never even read the books anymore. but i feel so damned trapped sometimes by this stupid life of mine. i mean, the kids i feel aren't ready to be alone in the evening...they aren't stupid. and the baby i'd rather not take to book club, but would've...she's not stupid. and the bigs who are climbing tonight...they're not stupid....maybe a little selfish...but maybe not...and definitely not stupid. the spouse who's working and saving lives and shit...he's definitely not stupid....he's definitely a whole slew of other stuff, but it's not stupid. so i don't know why i call it a stupid life. probably because i'm frustrated and everything seems kind of stupid right now. but just between you and me, saying fuck in front of my kids feels really, really stupid.

peace

music

i have been listening to music today. i wish i did this, at least for a little while, everyday. hell, even the thirty minutes four times a week they recommend for exercise would probably get me through. my friend, corey, has music night every monday night...maybe i could just try that. i don't know, but i can't even explain how great i feel going into tonight, and especially at the end of it. it's wonderful.

each little song transports me to a different time and place in my life. and so many of them are so full of life and energy and happiness and good things in general. i emailed an old friend tonight because a song came on that she gave me the cassette of...and i'm talking about twenty-some years ago. and her grandmother had just died. and it was really a neat thing to connect with her and let her know why i was thinking of her. kind of hilarious in this great, loving way.

there are many, many things i've thought about blogging about in this peaceful, sated state. but i chose to blog about the vehicle that brought me here. maybe i'll get to the other stuff later...

peace

a few breaths of air

yep, i've got a cold. runny nose, sinus headache, raw throat. crap. i tried to take it easy yesterday, but it was really one of those "do most of my normal stuff but don't go outside and totally bust ass and call it taking it easy" kind of days. today...i think it's going to have to be one of those "maybe i'll get a shower in but otherwise i'm on my ass because i seriously need to take it easy" kind of days. i think so anyway.

babiest girl woke up early this morning. was crawling and making noises all over my bed and my head. so we got up to watch wiggles. biggest brother came in at some point and said he'd lay with her, so i got up and grabbed some coffee. (i am almost embarrassed by how grateful i am when things like this happen) babiest fell asleep with biggest before she's usually up for aa typical day...silly girl.

my friend got her prayer flags. i got pictures. oh my....can i just say how gorgeous she is? and those prayer flags were beautiful around her. seriously, i think prayer flags are the way to go from now on. beautiful and get the point across. i miss her so terribly, but am so grateful i had a chance to send a little piece of each of us to her. god working both ways...

i just heard my thirdborn get in bed with my waking babiest and say to her, "well hello there little wonder." where do they get this sweetness from? and really, who cares? i'm just honored to be able to witness and be touched by it...

and i think that's about it. i have no idea what they day will hold (although i'm pretty sure it will hold sausage...sausage is what i crave when i have a cold) but i wanted to stop and take a moment to think about those moments of light that didn't make my head ache...those breaths of air today that didn't burn my sinuses or make me cough. food for my soul.

peace

a little quiet time

every night, i go out and feed my dogs. and it is sacred time. i don't do it when the kids are up. i wait for them to get in bed and settle down. i've blogged a number of times about the shade of night or even some insight i've gained from watching my dogs' behavior (although i admit i have not blogged in a long time about my dogs). it's a funny thing...there were times when i would go over the kids' school work and plan the next day or plan the next week, whatever. i used to read outside at night. i used to sit on the phone and talk for hours even at one point in my life. but feeding them at night, once things have quieted down, has long been a habit of mine. i give it up when i'm pregnant...sleep seemed to take priority. but one thing i do a lot at night is pray. maybe because it's finally quiet. maybe because i'm outside and i've always felt god's presence outside. i think i've always partly thought it was because i was "done" with my day and had resigned to let everything else go until tomorrow and so praying and reflecting just seemed natural. lately i've been wondering if there is a way to capture that feeling, that peaceful mindset somehow during the day. because i often feel like cuddling up to my kids afterward. i want to read a book with them, talk to them about this that or the other, make sure that they know that at the end of the day, i usually think they're pretty wonderful, or at least that things are going to end up better the next day than they did that day.

tonight my spouse is at work. it's his last night on call where he has to be at the hospital for his full call time. from here on out, he gets to be home. (unless he becomes a staff member at a teaching hospital after residency, in which case he'll have to stay at the hospital for a night of call every tenth or eleventh night or something like that so that he's there if the residents need him, but let's not talk about that right now...it diminishes the importance of what i'm saying here...) at least for the next year, he won't have to sleep at the hospital. he'll go in if they need him, but then he gets to come back home and sleep in our bed, with me...and our babiest girl. and that makes me feel warm and happy inside...like we're almost at a place of rest. and after the last seven years, a place of rest sounds delicious.

while i was feeding my dogs tonight, i took a moment to let myself settle in to the night. to lift up some thanks. ask for some healing. feel grateful and satisfied and appreciative and maybe even let a little awe come. then i remembered about my brother's girlfriend's miscarriage. ok, so she's really his ex-girlfriend. but she was pregnant with his baby. and i believe that even though she was pretty unhappy that he was not her boyfriend anymore, and even more unhappy that he has a different girlfriend right now, i do believe she was happy to be pregnant. and that made me inexplicably happy. i guess i should explain that my brother is not the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest bulb in the chandelier. he's pretty close to mentally retarded, if you look at his i.q. scores. and while he doesn't have anything obviously wrong with him, it doesn't take a long time hanging out with him to be able to see that he's pretty different...in some ways he's the kind of different that you imagine god would like us all to be...simple just comes easy to him. but then he's also different in the ways that makes living in today's world independently impossible. my sister and i often discuss which one of us will have this brother living with us after our parents either die or give up. i don't think i would mind him living here because the times that he's been here, he tends to follow along with whatever my kids are doing. but the times he's been here, my kids have been fairly young...it's been a few years...and i don't know how he'd do with teenagers in the house. it's one thing when he plays baseball with the neighborhood kids, brushes teeth and gets ready for bed at nine because that's what the kids are doing, and looks for word searches to do because everyone else here reads so much. but i do not know how he would handle being in a household where the children are becoming young adults and their self-responsibility is changing and growing in ways he's never seemed to be able to quite get the hang of. and i guess that's not really what i was thinking about tonight anyway. because even though he's a pretty simple guy and will probably never really be capable of living on his own, i had started to think that he might not make too bad of a father. call me an idealist (you wouldn't be the first), but i kind of thought eventually he'd figure out he really loved the ex-girlfriend...or at any rate, he'd figure out that the ex-girlfriend really seems to love him, and he'd end up there and they'd make this cute, quirky little family, the end. but the end came a little sooner and the ex-girlfriend miscarried. and that made me sad. not that i'm going to go encouraging him to get another girl pregnant or anything. he's considering a vasectomy just because buying condoms requires a little forethought that his frontal lobe, since it doesn't function much, can't seem to handle (yeah, for real, the light's not even home in the front of his brain, so i guess no one's ever been home).

my sister and her partner are thisclose to being certified as a couple for foster-to-adopt. so i guess even if i don't become an auntie with my brother, i'm pretty much getting ready to be an auntie with my sister. but i should be honest...if it's my sister, i won't be an auntie...i'll be an aint. it's just the way we say it in my southern family. and i'm looking so forward to being an aint in this capacity. it will be different and it will be challenging and it will be beautiful in a whole nother way from how becoming an auntie was. but it makes my toes curl and a lump form in my throat when i think about being an aint.

and i guess these are the things i think about when i feel like i can breathe a little.

i have been working hard in my yard. and working hard with my family. and working hard in my marriage and in my own head. i am grateful, as always, for those who walk alongside me. today was a particularly lovely day...the teen got his new guitar, the other guys got their video game they've long wanted, and the littlest played hard, crawled with her belly off the floor, ate bananas and learned to make this terrific coughing sound that elicits much reaction from her brothers. and the dad will be home for good tomorrow morning. sigh...now the mama will crawl into bed with the babiest and we'll see what tomorrow holds...

peace

i think he's in love

and i am totally fine that it's not human yet.

this is his new electric guitar. aside from being really pretty, it also sounds really good. (just between you and me, i always thought he sounded kind of amateurish....i had no idea it was because of his guitar...whew!) he is over the moon. spent more on the guitar and the case than i have probably spent on any one item for myself....i'm trying to think here...i mean, there's my car...i don't know...never mind...my point is that i am very proud of him for saving so long, researching so completely, making a decision, and going with it. and i think he is, too...see it in that big grin on his face?

peace

a day in the life

my cybertribe had a photo assignment about a day in your life. you were supposed to take a camera around and snap pictures of your day and share them. i did this yesterday. today, there was too much driving around and the cold my guys have all gotten to some degree this past week has made my throat raw and my head kind of stuffy, so i did not even think to take pictures with us today. well, i did take two pictures today...and one is at the end of this post and the other gets its own post in a minute. i don't know...this evening is not making much sense, so let's go back to yesterday...

this is where i check my email and log onto my cybertribe each morning. there's my coffee and my glass of water (and a bunch of other junk that just seems to always be around that area in case i suddenly need it).

this is my youngest son and babiest girl watching wiggles and playing together. this is kind of their routine lately. that laundry in the background that needs to be folded is also part of the routine lately. but notice how littlest son's eyes are so sleepy...i think out of all of us, the cold hit him the hardest and he's had some tough mornings this week. but his baby sister always makes him smile.

this is my third born...he loves listening to harry potter audio books and reading the book at the same time. since we've lightened our school load, this is one of his favorite pastimes.

my first born and my second born fight over this window to sit and read in each morning. second born won this morning. i just love his curly hair in the morning.

if he's not reading first thing in the morning, this is what my first born is doing....but he gets his own post in a minute.

here is babiest drinking her water in her high chair. you know, she really is usually that happy.

and here's a pic of me and babiest before i go out and conquer part of our yard. i've been working on trimming trees and bushes and just kind of taming our landscaping (and getting some great work outs in there at the same time...ouch)

and this is from today...but i love this picture of my two little ones playing in the little splash pad we bought yesterday. she loved it and he loves it right along with her. good times...

peace out

gratitude

i've been meaning to keep a gratitude journal. well, start using mine again, is what i really mean. because i have been having some frustrating times. i think i have mentioned here before that i remember well what having four little ones was like. there were things that didn't get done around my house for years. and it didn't bother me in the least. i really didn't even notice a great deal of filth just because i was so busy chasing those little ones. but see, i've been to the other side. i've had older kids, learned how darned dirty ceiling fan blades get in the course of months (and i went at least seven years without ever even noticing this when my guys were little, btw), i got used to baseboards being cleaned, gutters being cleared, trees trimmed (i don't really even remember what kind of trees i had when my kids were little), stuff like that. and it is so very frustrating to be in this place where i can no longer maintain the house and my life the way i was used to. and this brings up the topic of asking the people in my house who are no longer little ones to help me maintain what we were all accustomed to. but see, i suck at asking for help. and who likes to do what they suck at? seriously. so for six months, i haven't been asking. and monday, i cried a whole lot and had some chest pains and just generally figured i needed to try something different. (ok, ok, my therapist had a big hand in convincing me i needed to try something different...and then my good friend who is also a therapist convinced me the rest of the way...but i was the one who made the list that asked for help, so i still get credit, 'k?) so now i can breathe again...without chest pain. and that's kind of nice.

but i am going a little stir crazy. it is raining, which was lovely...it's the kind of rain that just makes the whole world outside of the window look greener. i knew we'd get out of the house later, so i was enjoying our time at home. and then my six year old started running fever. and we've been trapped, er, i mean stuck at home since. i think i'm starting to go cross-eyed from the boredom. you can only spend so much time researching online the things you've never had time to research, shopping for things you don't have money for, or playing mindless games on facebook. and i'm tired of cleaning. i'm tired of laundry. i'm tired of thinking about what can be thrown away. and most of all, i'm tired of whining.

so where does the gratitude come in? i'm not sure. i just thought if i put that at the top of this blog post, that maybe it would work itself in somehow. because my brain feels done. it's tired, too. i remember babyhood being difficult. but i did not have these young adults in my house the last time i was here. and it's nice to have them here this time around. i mean, i feel like a fool sometimes with them watching me struggle and have such mindless days where i can't remember anything for longer than sixty seconds. but they are a lot of help. they play with their sister and take care of her. they make me laugh. and they make me practice crap i suck at...and they're kind and gentle enough that it's not too awful practicing it with them. so there...i am grateful as hell for these four guys i get to walk with each day. because somewhere along the way, they turned into guys that really honor and love their mother. and while i have no idea why they feel this way about me, i am humbled and inspired by their love.

peace