gratitude

i've been meaning to keep a gratitude journal. well, start using mine again, is what i really mean. because i have been having some frustrating times. i think i have mentioned here before that i remember well what having four little ones was like. there were things that didn't get done around my house for years. and it didn't bother me in the least. i really didn't even notice a great deal of filth just because i was so busy chasing those little ones. but see, i've been to the other side. i've had older kids, learned how darned dirty ceiling fan blades get in the course of months (and i went at least seven years without ever even noticing this when my guys were little, btw), i got used to baseboards being cleaned, gutters being cleared, trees trimmed (i don't really even remember what kind of trees i had when my kids were little), stuff like that. and it is so very frustrating to be in this place where i can no longer maintain the house and my life the way i was used to. and this brings up the topic of asking the people in my house who are no longer little ones to help me maintain what we were all accustomed to. but see, i suck at asking for help. and who likes to do what they suck at? seriously. so for six months, i haven't been asking. and monday, i cried a whole lot and had some chest pains and just generally figured i needed to try something different. (ok, ok, my therapist had a big hand in convincing me i needed to try something different...and then my good friend who is also a therapist convinced me the rest of the way...but i was the one who made the list that asked for help, so i still get credit, 'k?) so now i can breathe again...without chest pain. and that's kind of nice.

but i am going a little stir crazy. it is raining, which was lovely...it's the kind of rain that just makes the whole world outside of the window look greener. i knew we'd get out of the house later, so i was enjoying our time at home. and then my six year old started running fever. and we've been trapped, er, i mean stuck at home since. i think i'm starting to go cross-eyed from the boredom. you can only spend so much time researching online the things you've never had time to research, shopping for things you don't have money for, or playing mindless games on facebook. and i'm tired of cleaning. i'm tired of laundry. i'm tired of thinking about what can be thrown away. and most of all, i'm tired of whining.

so where does the gratitude come in? i'm not sure. i just thought if i put that at the top of this blog post, that maybe it would work itself in somehow. because my brain feels done. it's tired, too. i remember babyhood being difficult. but i did not have these young adults in my house the last time i was here. and it's nice to have them here this time around. i mean, i feel like a fool sometimes with them watching me struggle and have such mindless days where i can't remember anything for longer than sixty seconds. but they are a lot of help. they play with their sister and take care of her. they make me laugh. and they make me practice crap i suck at...and they're kind and gentle enough that it's not too awful practicing it with them. so there...i am grateful as hell for these four guys i get to walk with each day. because somewhere along the way, they turned into guys that really honor and love their mother. and while i have no idea why they feel this way about me, i am humbled and inspired by their love.

peace