words, words, words

can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...

i used to think that writing helped me to organize my thoughts...calm my thoughts...kind of help them get into the habit of getting into a line and proceeding orderly through my mouth, or my fingers, or at any rate, my head.

now i'm not so sure. maybe it's only when i'm able to think calmly (somewhat), orderly (sort of)...when my mind is still (so to speak) and peaceful (you know, moreso than the kindergarten room)...that i'm able to write.

i notice lately that i think in pictures. i don't think i used to do that. and sometimes, i think in great, whirling stretches of nothingness...but believe me, there are big things going on in that nothingness. it's like when you're at the beach and a giant cloud passes over your head...it's not that there's nothing behind the cloud...and the cloud contains many things...but the cloud isn't, say, a bird, or a ray or sunlight, or any of the other things you're used to seeing in the sky over the beach. or something like that.

anyway...i miss writing. i miss that affirmation that my mind is working, that i can still put words together and make sentences. talking can be so tiring. and sometimes, i talk too much or too loud or too fast. (maybe that's why it's tiring?) and writing is just so soothing.

but lately, when i sit here and look at my little blog (when i'm putting my runs in my run tracker), either i can't think of a single thing to write or, i find myself wanting to write something, but then, as i think about what i want to write, i begin to provide all of this context, background info, explanation, asides about how i feel about it, tangents...and before one word gets typed, there's already a traffic jam in my head and i can't even remember what my original thought was.

there have been a few nights that i've composed blogs in my head that i actually wished i had typed up on my blog. but i'm so tired these days and sleep usually wins out over trying to recover the feeling and train of thought that was what started the whole piece.

i should say...i like the silence. i do. there's a suzanne vega song that says, "if language were liquid, it would be rushing in. instead here we are in a silence more eloquent than any word could ever be." i used to like that song a lot. but it occurs to me that the song is about a shared silence, between to people (hence the word "we," right?). and what i've learned to appreciate is the silence in me...alone. i mean hey, it is not a place i want to live forever and ever amen. i don't plan on moving my underwear in the top drawer here or anything. but it's okay to visit...i'm actually quite comfortable here.

(but it makes for a crappy blog, doesn't it? lol)

peace