Sunday, October 30, 2011

what to write about?

what do you write about? when you've finished four years of med school, four years of residency, had two more babies, lost one of your best friends to cancer, started a homeschool co-op, run a couple of half marathons, had countless moments of "i do not think i can do this" answered with "oh, but you can...just not the way you thought you were going to"...when you realize you made it through some pretty big challenges...that life isn't easy street from here on out, but that you do have different choices to make and your resources are different and your needs have shifted and you've made it through some tough stuff, so your skill set has changed and your confidence is some places humbled and in some places much stronger. it's weird. it's hard to explain.

last night i was thinking about how many different, tiny things influence how i feel by the end of the day. there was a time where i could name the important things influencing me, that i was working through in my mind, working through emotionally, that needed to be addressed and how. but last night, it occurred to me that my "sight" has changed. that i see lots and lots of things...and i know that they are affecting me...i just don't always know how. i have a lot of faith, so this doesn't bother me too much...i believe they're affecting me to become a better person. and i have to let go of steering myself so much...allow myself to be lead...and after these last eight years, i am finding this really hard to do. my spirit may be willing, but my mind and especially my body are finding the idea of surrendering difficult. i realize the tension in my neck is pretty habitual. i can't consciously address unconscious habits. well, i can. i can be aware of the habits. but i have to turn my consciousness over into a realm i am not consciously in control of to let my body work through some of the negative habits i've developed through these last few years. i don't think my words can capture it any better than that.

i was in a pretty pissy mood yesterday. it was a good day, for the most part, but tension was there...and i wasn't even resisting it...which i think was progress, to be honest. i think i have so many layers of tension and denial layered, that i won't ever be able to consciously address all of it, hence my surrender to faith that it can be resolved without my mind sifting through each loose end and tying it up. there are just so many things i am ready for...more room, more organization, more time, more leisure, more fun, more togetherness...less stress, less loneliness, less anxiety, less haphazard, less mess, less work toward just surviving. but i do not know how that looks or if that's really what's coming or if i'm missing the real opportunity by wishing what i think the gifts would be on this leg of the journey. so i am trying to stay open. but i have so many habits that keep me closed, protected, focused, productive, is challenging to stay open. i am afraid of being hurt if i am open. and when i am hurt, it's hard to get over it, because in my mind, i am chastising and blaming myself for getting hurt because i was so open. it is a vicious cycle that has lead to me being clammed up tight to everyone but maybe my sister and my friend lana. poor sister and lana. well, there was also the therapist i've been seeing for almost four years (gulp...did i really just type that?) and my husband.

anyway, i guess this is what you write about at a time like this. something like this.


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