finding the way....

so i'm getting back on track...finding my way back to a place where i feel productive and valuable but am still kind to myself. i've given myself a long time on the computer today, trying to read what was important, handle what i need to...even blog!

one of my foster bunnies--one of a pair of males, will and max--had babies monday. yep, baby bunnies. so now they're willa and max. but it's cool to watch because she's such a great mom. one of the other volunteers in the group had a rabbit have one baby and not touch it. that would've killed me to watch. because these guys fed the baby and stuff. but i couldn't have done that. i would've just let nature take it's course. but mama willa rocks and the babies are growing so fast!

i also joined a new mama forum online. i really like these women, and i've got to get myself a little more computer literate, because everyone else has these great pics of their kids and stuff and i'm totally plain... which is fine for now, but i'd like to learn eventually.

things are settling down among my family members, too. i guess sometimes peace is something you can't express in words, you can just kind of sit still and let wash over you and through you. but i do want to say i love my mama tribe out here. these women rock and i hope they realize that even if we're not in the same city, they will always be residents of my heart...

peace

couple of steel? or weak as little fuzzy bunnies?

so, here's the deal... a few days ago, my spouse and i were ready to take on CANCER...not just a little either...like the kind that might mean the removal of a nipple to overcome...this was SERIOUS SHIT..... and we were a team..invincible..indestructo... and then, the unthinkable... i came home with five new rabbits to foster at our house, and all hell broke loose. didn't matter that it was the nine year old's birthday... didn't matter that i was trying to be a good person and put something forward in the world... didn't matter that we've been married for 11 years, and i've put in quite a bit of service in that time. it just knocked us off our course...was a lot more ugly and hurtful than i really thought rabbits could ever be.

see, he told me that i had to realize that my actions affected others, not just me. and i KNOW that the folks in this house clean up after the rabbits (which i'll heretofore refer to as my rabbits). but see, i clean up after EVERYONE in this house...there is no one, no particular activity or whatever, that i simply don't touch... i've taken people to classes, dropped off keys on the highway, WHATEVER... and i was floored that my family was so pissed at me for bringing home bunnies. so, i told them, i'll take care of the bunnies. they don't have to touch bunnies or bunny stuff. but they can pick up the slack by helping to care for the two-leggeds that make a mess around here... maybe i won't go back to doing laundry. or maybe they'll have to learn to watch for the bathroom to be a mess and clean it themselves sometimes. or they can take care of grocery shopping...whatever. i'm not looking to draw up lists or anything. i know i haven't been too productive in my house lately. but there's a certain spirit here that i felt wasn't honored... and it hurt me. and i have to find that spirit that allows me to love those who hurt me sometimes. because, like i told a friend of mine today, it's not like jesus told the disciples,

"ok, here's the deal see? they're gonna try to get me, see? but it ain't happenin', see? i'm looking out for numero uno, see? it's every man for himself, see? i'm so outta here, see? yous guys figure out what to tell everyone, see? but i ain't goin' down for nothin', see?"

so i know that there's some surrender involved, some selflessness. and i try to go that way. but then sometimes i think, "girlfriend, stand up for yourself!" so i guess, like everything there's a balance to be found. and i just think, looking at my life, balance is something i don't come by or maintain easily...

peace

off day...

so, today is my son, s's, 9th birthday. he came to see me in bed, and i started talking to him about how much i liked his name before he was born. how i thought it was such a peaceful, intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive, bright, intensely creative name. and then i gave it to him, and wow! he's all those things and more. and then i started wondering if he sent me "vibes" that said, "hey mom, this is how i'm going to be...give me this name..." we thought it was pretty funny. thing is, i forgot it was his birthday until the end of this conversation, so i real sly-like say, "and now you've had that name for NINE WHOLE YEARS" all playing it cool like i knew....

more later
peace

win some, lose some...

ok, so, up front...i don't have breast cancer. at least it doesn't appear i do for now. that's a win... but i do think i've got the stomach virus my kids are passing around....loser... and that's about it...

i just have one more appointment for a re-eval on my labia and to discuss my mammogram and ultrasound and then i'm through with the medical establishment for awhile. i'm sure i'll be back with other questions, etc, but for now, i'm ready to just live life and leave it all in the hands of a greater power. (greater than me, yes, but also greater than medicine at this point)

it is crazy at my house and i'll have to finish this another time...

peace

we're up, we're down, we're all around...

funny thing, N and i don't think i'll have any cancer anymore. kind of weird, huh? but i still go for the ultrasound tomorrow morning, and my girlfriend will come up to watch the kids, we just don't think we'll be getting any bad news. or if we do, we don't feel doomsday-ish about it anymore. much more peaceful than we've ever been...

the bunny group i work with is in complete upheaval. and i finally started communicating with the few who send communication my way. it's crazy the way people are striving so to argue their sides, so convinced they are "right"...they have the proof...their interpretation is the only one... i know, i know...we hate the most in others what we hate in ourselves. we also tend to surround ourselves with people who see things just like we do. we're afraid of confrontation...well, if we're not sure we're right. but all we gamble in the process of open discussion is the possibility of having our perspective broadened... my, what a philosophical morning...

but honestly, the smallest confrontation can send me reeling, and i need to get myself over that. because no matter what i choose to do with the rest of my life, there will always be some sort of controversy, and i have to be able to approach these things with some calm... i know i feel over-invested in peace, and i get all bent when i don't think others will invest themselves...(which is not very peaceful, huh? i got to get a grip on myself...)

i was laughing at myself last night...here i criticize george w. over his inability to put together a peaceful resolution in iraq, and my bunny rescue/education group sits in complete war... i get it, i get it... sorry mr. president...

my little s is a puking machine lately. i'm worried about him. this doesn't act like a normal stomach bug... he eats fine, but he sleeps and pukes a lot. and it's not violent puking...it's just this wretch, wretch, vomit...wretch, wretch, vomit... i don't know... N runs the questions...is there blood? bile? lots of aching? lots of fever? he's peeing and pooping, so there's probably not an obstruction...yada yada... just give me a soft blanket for my baby, please... he's watching the nightmare before christmas... jack's about to get swept into christmastown...i love this part. i still get this buzz around christmas sometimes... like everything's so wonderful and great, i just can't stand it. well, i didn't have it this christmas, but it still visits me sometimes... ;)

alright, time to start the day. although, i have to say, o has already played around with his place values chart and counting blocks, after realizing doing a connect-the-dots that numbers like 20 and 30 were like zeros, starting all over... so we discussed the place values, and he pulled out his stuff to do some physical experimentation. and now he's working a sudoku for kids. n's outside fighting his demons, as i put it...which means practicing with his sword or staff or whatever he's got. and s and e are watching jack the pumpkin king... i'm watching my goldfish eat... i think today, i'll get some stuff done...

peace

crazy coconuts and those who love them...

weird title...just felt like putting that, i guess. see, this whole journey through realizing there was something going on with my breast and labia that required medical attention to now has just been surreal. we and i have undergone so many changes and shifts in the last three years, that trying to explain to people that i finally went to a midwife, who then broke the news that i had to see a doctor just doesn't impress many that it's that big of a deal. but then most of them don't know that i stopped vaxing e and stopped well-doctor appts, too. and i'm sure i'll catch him up. but it's hard to share with people who are so excited your spouse is becoming a doctor your distrust with doctors and the medical establishment. and poor N, taking it personal and all. when he doesn't realize that he's probably the only reason i have motivation to find a balance in my opinions and information.... ahhh, pass the coffee, it's one of those mornings...

i'm going to read today. i was going to get the kids out to a park day, but since s has started puking this morning, well, seems it's in the cards we stay home. i'm wondering if it's in the cards we miss jacob's birthday party, too, but that i can be patient for... my dogs are so restless...i'm about to send these mamas out... my kids are sitting at the table...n's working an iq book someone gave him for christmas, o's working through a comic book activity book, s's in the shower, poor guy, and e's sleeping in this morning. i guess i should try to get some stuff done around here.

oh, my title...i talked to a girlfriend last night, and as is common, my first telling of what's going on leaves people with the impression i maybe have a splinter or something... ok, not really, but comparatively accurate. then, when i speak to them again, a few weeks later, and i'm still talking about this breast/labia thing, they're like, "wait a minute, what's going on? i thought you'd be past this by now..." so then i commence to a retelling, and it's all serious and supportive and stuff..."cancer" gets thrown around and they tell me who they know that might know something... it's crazy. it's wonderful and exhausting, all at the same time. i so love and appreciate knowing i have mama friends who will be here if i need them. it's weird, how many times i've wondered, "do i need someone? am i being a weinie?" but shit, man, this could be cancer, so i think it's ok to call if the need arises... (am i pathetic or what?) so i leave it up to the reader to decide who's the coconut and who's loving them, because right now, i really have no idea... :)

peace

breathe, mama, breathe...

so why is it that sometimes people just can't let things go? they need to just keep stirring it up... i will try to support a person when i think they're right...when i think they're trying to serve a higher good. but what to do when you've supported someone and then they make a bad decision and just go too far...start serving their own needs and just causing more shit... i know, i know...you tell them the truth... but that's hard... (grimace)

mama hope, i hope your day in court goes well...you're in my thoughts...

alright, well, i've made it to tuesday...ultrasound friday...this week is dragging...

and i'm tired of distracting myself with bunnies and the nutties that love them... ;)

peace

tom petty was so insightful

so all i could think about last night was the tom petty song, "the waiting is the hardest part"... yep, that seems about right. the scariest thing is how certain N is that this is something to worry about... he's freaking me out, but i appreciate his honesty.

so the other night, N and i decide to take a bath together. we've never done that before in this house, and since we might be selling it in a few months, we figure we'll give it a go.... it was so funny. he pointed out that we'd probably have been better off if we'd have tried it when we first moved in, and were skinnier! we got kind of stuck... it was nice, but not quite comfortable. really, really funny. and right now, i really appreciate those moments of humor...of just laughing like crazy...

peace

tired

so it was a fairly productive weekend, with minimal damage to control. most of what came my way felt manageable, except for the stuff i ignored, and i can't tell you what that was...

we now have kitchen cabinet doors...it's weird. even the kids aren't liking it. they're so practical..."now it's going to take forever to unload the dishwasher" hehe these kids aren't so chained to how things are "supposed" to be...

church was good. it was the epiphany of the magi. never really thought about it much before... will have to return when i have more tape left on my machine.

i am ready for the week. ok, not really. but i am. friday i'll go for the ultrasound on my breast, and i imagine this is when stuff will start happening... we'll see. maybe it'll just be another "get ready, get set, now wait as fast as you can"... who knows?

i'm grateful for the travellers i'm getting to walk this journey with...

peace

just keep swimming...

soooo, the dog's spayed, we're all back home safe and sound, and the president of the rabbit organization resigned while i was gone... life keeps spinning.

it's funny how easy it is to believe the worst of each other. how easy it is to speak poorly of people we hardly know. i know what i'm talking about here, because i can be a really big asshole sometimes. so the rabbit organization is in disarray. people whose only commonality is a love for little fuzzy four-leggeds are just ripping each other to shreds. not that different from the way rabbits behave when they don't like each other...except we're humans and our brains are bigger and i'd hope we'd at least call off the fur pulling before someone gets really hurt. but we all have such different threshholds for pain, you just never know how far some will go... the challenge for me is to remain positive that things will work out. that the higher good in everyone will eventually override the human desire to be the one who's "right"... that our need to get our personal needs met can be replaced with the need to have the group's needs met. to have faith that the two aren't really that different... we shall see. this all sounds pretty lofty to me and there are days i know i probably won't be able to pull it off. (those are the days i will keep myself busy and off of the computer)

i made it through last week. now only one more week til my ultrasound on my breast. maybe then we'll start getting some answers and just GET ON WITH IT...whatever IT is.... i hope it'll be easier to breathe...although probably i should start exercising again to help that out, too... hehe

i think we're going to move. i like the name of the place we're moving to...sounds kind of buddhist... i'm just following the circles of light...

ok, gotta run and find a rhythm for today...
peace

rising again

so this "i have something the doctors think could possibly be cancer" part of my life has been fruitful, thought provoking... because it seems stupid to worry the kids now, since no one knows what either spot is, N and i only talk about this stuff at night after they go to sleep. and since they've been going to sleep so damned late...well, it's pretty late when we finally have the chance... we're both so tired lately! and the weather sucks, which sucks because the little ones can't run around much. well, unless i make them put on their raincoats....

anyway, last night i was telling N that i realized i was waiting for the doctors to tell me if i was well or not. and something shifted in me. and when i told N something shifted, he asked why. and i told him, "because today, i am well...i don't need a doc to tell me that..." i don't know...sounds goofy, but it was liberating, empowering...a good thing.

i have to drive to rockport to get my dog spayed today. well, she'll get spayed tomorrow, but i have to drive today. and i am tired. lately, i don't feel like i can do the things i've said i would do... but it's important, and i'll get it done...yawn...

the bunny group i work with is at odds. and i threw in my two cents, just because they asked me to be a board member and so when stuff bothers me, or i think we're missing a more common place we could reach, i feel like my opinion was asked by default... but it's sure been quiet... email is such an imperfect vehicle with which to communicate our thoughts. it's tricky, at best. although there are always those people that emails just click with...

ok, enough ramblings...oh! and i found this amazing online store that sells handmade hemp clothes...they were so beautiful. and even though they were pretty damned expensive, i think i might have to place a little order....

ok, done! (just as sir e summons me from the bed...as he wakes at gasp! 10:40!!!! man! 3 year olds today!!!)

peace