Wednesday, January 17, 2007

couple of steel? or weak as little fuzzy bunnies?

so, here's the deal... a few days ago, my spouse and i were ready to take on CANCER...not just a little the kind that might mean the removal of a nipple to overcome...this was SERIOUS SHIT..... and we were a team..invincible..indestructo... and then, the unthinkable... i came home with five new rabbits to foster at our house, and all hell broke loose. didn't matter that it was the nine year old's birthday... didn't matter that i was trying to be a good person and put something forward in the world... didn't matter that we've been married for 11 years, and i've put in quite a bit of service in that time. it just knocked us off our course...was a lot more ugly and hurtful than i really thought rabbits could ever be.

see, he told me that i had to realize that my actions affected others, not just me. and i KNOW that the folks in this house clean up after the rabbits (which i'll heretofore refer to as my rabbits). but see, i clean up after EVERYONE in this house...there is no one, no particular activity or whatever, that i simply don't touch... i've taken people to classes, dropped off keys on the highway, WHATEVER... and i was floored that my family was so pissed at me for bringing home bunnies. so, i told them, i'll take care of the bunnies. they don't have to touch bunnies or bunny stuff. but they can pick up the slack by helping to care for the two-leggeds that make a mess around here... maybe i won't go back to doing laundry. or maybe they'll have to learn to watch for the bathroom to be a mess and clean it themselves sometimes. or they can take care of grocery shopping...whatever. i'm not looking to draw up lists or anything. i know i haven't been too productive in my house lately. but there's a certain spirit here that i felt wasn't honored... and it hurt me. and i have to find that spirit that allows me to love those who hurt me sometimes. because, like i told a friend of mine today, it's not like jesus told the disciples,

"ok, here's the deal see? they're gonna try to get me, see? but it ain't happenin', see? i'm looking out for numero uno, see? it's every man for himself, see? i'm so outta here, see? yous guys figure out what to tell everyone, see? but i ain't goin' down for nothin', see?"

so i know that there's some surrender involved, some selflessness. and i try to go that way. but then sometimes i think, "girlfriend, stand up for yourself!" so i guess, like everything there's a balance to be found. and i just think, looking at my life, balance is something i don't come by or maintain easily...


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