rant on

i don't know where to start, but i think the more i cover, the more cleansing and therapeutic this will be...

bunnies...i am tired of taking care of too many bunnies...it is hard, and it is wearing me out. and putting down one of my fosters was way hard...ugh...the cost of feeding all of these bunnies is getting overwelming, too. the grocery bills! oi!

the bunny group...is breaking my heart, driving me crazy, pissing me off...yet another part of my life that i just feel inadequate for. i'm tired of the negativity, but feel myself getting more and more negative in response to it. i really just thought about resigning last night...walking away, being finished, no more headache. i'm tired of people complaining, but not offering solutions. i'm tired of feeling like i'm putting way too much energy in paths that don't lead anywhere... like everyone else has the answer, hence no one needs to communicate, and can't i just fucking intuit it like everyone else?!?! oh, wait, no one's way is working right now...

then there are my children...n is uber hormonal right now...pissed at everyone...fucking with everyone then getting so pissed when they tell him to knock it off...no win...either get slayed being fucked with or get slayed with him being pissed. he's such an asshole sometimes. he'll come ask for help to find something...say his pants. but then he's like, "and if you actually cleaned, maybe i could find them..." so i THINK he's trying to be funny, but it's so fucking not funny. and i really need him to step the fuck up and take some responsibility around here. there is just so much shit to do right now...he and s have got to start taking care of their own shit. and i've asked them to clean up their room, gave them a list, and i can hear them cackling and having a gay old time right now. and it pisses me off and gives me a headache. (ok, i already had the headache...they're just making it throb harder) and o lied so straight up to me today that i almost cried. i was grilling e, because o had already said he hadn't done it, and so i assumed if anyone would lie it would be the 3 year old, not the 7 year old...then N walks in and accidentally rats o out. i almost cried...i just have no coping skills right now. i'd like a drink now, you know, but maybe 3:45 is a bit early...and i have some driving to do in a bit...picking up a couple of bunnies, but i'm just not going there right now.

and N...last night, i'm on the phone dealing with bunny group bullshit, trying not to cry i'm just so pissed and disgusted and shit. and when i FINALLY get off (mind you, N has played video games with the kids the WHOLE time) N says, "oh, mom's off the phone. last game and then bedtime." and it was 10:10pm!!! which, of course, N didn't know... i'm so tired of life being a fucking game for my family until mom comes along and ruins it with her expectations for health and reasonable decisions...fuck!!!

and i guess i could talk about how my period is all wonky this month...started so lazily for the first two days, then gushed last night, and i don't know what it's doing today. i felt like shit the night before it started, too... give me a break.

today is ash wednesday. repentance and grace in god... oh, help me, i so need some of that good stuff flowing in my life right now... i ate a little Jesus at church...maybe that will help?

rant off

cheers on your birthday, and peace on your deathday

today is my friend julie's 35th birthday...she's a wonderful person who is adopting a little boy from the country of nepal, who has a policy that adoptive parents be 35 or older...so a big fucking congratulations to you, julie!!! you're probably the happiest person i've ever known to turn 35...hehe and i can't wait to meet this little guy who has been a screen saver on my computer for over a year...

today is also the day i said good-bye to my foster rabbit, runaround su. he was one of my buns from the spca seizure and he had e. cunniculi (which i am probably spelling wrong, but that would be how you'd spell it if it was spelled the way it sounds....). i had been treating him for the last five weeks with medication to see if it would halt the progression of the disease for him, as it is not curable. he was always dizzy feeling...tracked with his eyes (think dizzy little kid after you spin them), walked in circles, his head was tilted. and he'd gotten worse over the course of treatment...couldn't stand on his back legs without falling over and rolling spent most of his time in his litterbox just kind of hunkered down. so the vet suggested euthanizing. it was harder than i expected and i can feel myself kind of avoiding the feelings i am so surprised are there, but still don't know what to do with. this whole fostering effort has left me a bit emotional and drained and worn and exhilarated...but maybe it's just my period is coming?... i honestly don't even know these days...

so much coming, so much going...which is which? we're packing a bit these days. working on cleaning up. trying to get organized... i'm just avoiding contact... ugh...help me, help me, help me...

peace out

knotty and nutty

so today something really freaking pissed me off. but i am not going to write about what pissed me off...explain it, justify it, try to find the words for all of it, who did what...blablabla

the deal for me is that when i get so pissed off...it's so hard to dissipate the rush of energy of being so damned pissed. i came home, caught up on what needed to be caught up on, did what i could do to try to effect the situation. but then what? then i'm still seething, still tingling with all this energy and anticipation and whatever it is...i feel electric. so then what do you do? how do you distract yourself from this thing that has stirred up so much energy, so much emotion? i need some help on this.... oi

waffles

so, in this medical school journey, as the schooling part comes to a conclusion and the residency part looms ahead...we've pretty much been of the mind that we know the place we want to be. (not here, it has a very zen sounding name...) anyway, so the other day, N starts talking about how staying here in houston wouldn't be too bad. ooooooookay.... trying to be open minded... breathe... stay calm... listen.... don't shut down, freak out, strike out, yell out... so i thought about it. (that was the request...just think about it, be sure it's what you want) and i thought, nope, the other place is where i would rather be. not that the b.s. that is med school is that straight forward...there has to be this whole fucking match process. and you have to go to a ceremony so that you can receive your match envelope...gag...it's just so fucking fraternity...it makes me angry. i mean, maybe this is why most doctors are pompous asses?!?!...

anyway...so this is all looming ahead. it's a stressful, anxious time. and it's showing. on both of us. so i ask him if he wants to tell me exactly what he feels anxious about... he's finishing four years of med school... he's got four kids and he's 32 years old... he's looking at moving his family again... he's looking at starting a residency, being employed, starting the part of his life where he's responsible for what he does, what he knows, what he doesn't know... so of course, he's anxious about whether the kids are getting enough subjects in homeschooling... GAH!!! suffice to say, i did not handle it well. did not see the encouraging, constructive discussion it was meant to be. did not listen appropriately to his feelings he's entitled to about his children. just took it all so damned personally...ugh... i am not well enough to do this and i am not kind to myself when i realize this crappy fact...

so anyway, happy valentine's day. i've got rabbit litterboxes to empty, and i mean ALL of them. and a house to get ready to move...

peace

why am i so tired?

it's not that i haven't been busy...i just haven't been super busy. the fact that i've gotten pretty drunk twice this week is probably wearing me down a bit... but i'm just feeling wiped out. like i've been running a race, hiking the mountain, and the end isn't necessarily in sight, but i just need to take a rest. hmmmm....

things are going well in my house. relationships seem to be mostly positive and feel good. i know it won't always stay this way, but i am determined to notice it consciously when it is this way.

the weather has sucked lately. and it's really starting to mess with my attitude. so much rain and it's so damned cold...i'm just so tired of it... we played in the rain at the park wednesday, and i think that's what we'll do again today just to get out of the damn house. and it sucks taking care of so many rabbits in muddy muck. i mean, they aren't outside, but to not have some fresh air and some sunshine to cheer you along in the mopping and sweeping...it's a drag.

but speaking of rabbits, the babies are really getting big...it's amazing. they've grown so much so quickly. they're not even two whole weeks old yet. it's been cool...

alright, time to start the day. find a rhythm... left foot... right foot.... breathe...
and some peace