Wednesday, February 21, 2007

rant on

i don't know where to start, but i think the more i cover, the more cleansing and therapeutic this will be...

bunnies...i am tired of taking care of too many is hard, and it is wearing me out. and putting down one of my fosters was way hard...ugh...the cost of feeding all of these bunnies is getting overwelming, too. the grocery bills! oi!

the bunny breaking my heart, driving me crazy, pissing me off...yet another part of my life that i just feel inadequate for. i'm tired of the negativity, but feel myself getting more and more negative in response to it. i really just thought about resigning last night...walking away, being finished, no more headache. i'm tired of people complaining, but not offering solutions. i'm tired of feeling like i'm putting way too much energy in paths that don't lead anywhere... like everyone else has the answer, hence no one needs to communicate, and can't i just fucking intuit it like everyone else?!?! oh, wait, no one's way is working right now...

then there are my children...n is uber hormonal right now...pissed at everyone...fucking with everyone then getting so pissed when they tell him to knock it win...either get slayed being fucked with or get slayed with him being pissed. he's such an asshole sometimes. he'll come ask for help to find something...say his pants. but then he's like, "and if you actually cleaned, maybe i could find them..." so i THINK he's trying to be funny, but it's so fucking not funny. and i really need him to step the fuck up and take some responsibility around here. there is just so much shit to do right now...he and s have got to start taking care of their own shit. and i've asked them to clean up their room, gave them a list, and i can hear them cackling and having a gay old time right now. and it pisses me off and gives me a headache. (ok, i already had the headache...they're just making it throb harder) and o lied so straight up to me today that i almost cried. i was grilling e, because o had already said he hadn't done it, and so i assumed if anyone would lie it would be the 3 year old, not the 7 year old...then N walks in and accidentally rats o out. i almost cried...i just have no coping skills right now. i'd like a drink now, you know, but maybe 3:45 is a bit early...and i have some driving to do in a bit...picking up a couple of bunnies, but i'm just not going there right now.

and N...last night, i'm on the phone dealing with bunny group bullshit, trying not to cry i'm just so pissed and disgusted and shit. and when i FINALLY get off (mind you, N has played video games with the kids the WHOLE time) N says, "oh, mom's off the phone. last game and then bedtime." and it was 10:10pm!!! which, of course, N didn't know... i'm so tired of life being a fucking game for my family until mom comes along and ruins it with her expectations for health and reasonable decisions...fuck!!!

and i guess i could talk about how my period is all wonky this month...started so lazily for the first two days, then gushed last night, and i don't know what it's doing today. i felt like shit the night before it started, too... give me a break.

today is ash wednesday. repentance and grace in god... oh, help me, i so need some of that good stuff flowing in my life right now... i ate a little Jesus at church...maybe that will help?

rant off

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