Friday, February 3, 2012

let's start at the very beginning

because julie andrews says it's a very good place to start. and i like julie andrews.

sleep. that's pretty primal, pretty basic, right? i often warn first time parents at the end of their pregnancies to get good sleep because once the baby comes, even a baby that only nurses every few hours is going to jack up your sleep cycle in a way it has never been jacked with. i mean, i worked at this camp for kids with different disabilities when i was teen. so when i got pregnant (when i was still a teen, but whatever), i thought i'd be ahead of the game on this night-waking thing because of those nights i'd logged, staying awake with a camper or waking up to a camper having a time i even woke up because i noticed one of the campers stopped breathing. (she was really loud...think small airplane...when she stopped, the silence was deafening.) anyway, so when the experienced parents who loved me warned me about what the sleep deprivation would do to me and perception of the world, i smugly thought i'd handle it just fine thanks to those camp experiences. but see, i didn't consider the fact that those campers went home every friday and a new batch didn't come until sunday. so i could sleep til 2pm on saturday. i didn't consider that when you have a baby, that baby never, ever goes home. because that baby IS home...he or she turns 18 or so...every day and every night. so good luck catching up on sleep til 2pm uninterrupted on a saturday.

anyway...sleep. it is lovely. makes me think of some sort of silky, satin-y liquid sheet, poured all around you, cradling that achy place in your back, supporting that stiff neck, even pouring into your ears to ease that throbbing head and those tired, tired eyes. i used to be able to meditate and visualize something similar to this, a blackness that would envelop me and comfort me, relax me, carry me to unconsciousness. i think it took me all of about thirty seconds to relax every muscle in my body (when i was seventeen or eighteen years old). now it takes me about five minutes just to quiet the echos of the needs, arguments, agreed upon resolutions, responsibilities, triumphs, failures, and just other miscellaneous information of the day before i can even shift my focus to...what was it?...oh yeah, relaxing. sometimes by then, i've already fallen asleep, one exhausted, tense lump of a mom. but usually, i make it to praying. and inviting the peace to envelop me. trying to surrender all those things my body and mind still want to manage...even at eleven o'clock at night. i don't mean to make myself sound quite so mental...the two year old alternately looking for "boo" (her word for my breast) and sticking her feet in my face definitely contributes to my struggle to surrender both mentally and physically. because i am a parent and this means i am not in control of my environment. at least not solely. and this makes it hard to relax, i guess. for some reason, knowing that control of this house is shared with a two year old, an eight year old, a twelve year old, a fourteen year old, and a seventeen year old, never mind the other adult that i get along with most days but still want to send back to his mother two or three times a year...this makes me tense.

but now that i've typed it out, i see i am not crazy in the least and my tension is not is logical! but i will still work on relaxing...and surrendering...and letting go of my own shit.

oh, the reason i started here today...yesterday sucked. it was awful. instead of eating food that fueled my body and working out and releasing tension, i drove the fourteen year old to the store and we bought tons of crappy food which i ate too much of and then didn't work out and so i was a puddle-y mess by the time my husband came home (which was late...starting a new job at 37 is a challenge, but idonwannatalkboutit). so he took the kids out to eat (because this mama really did not need anymore, until friday or something) and i called and talked to my mom for a few minutes...and folded a mountain of laundry. i did cry a little when i was getting ready for bed. and i finally just told my husband, "i just feel so tired, but i don't know why." and he replied that for most of this week i'd been stuck between a wiggly toddler and him...and that i was even pushing him off of the bed because the toddler was pushing on me. "i don't think you've slept well at all this week," was his final statement on the matter. so i accepted his hug and went to bed. i can't remember if i relaxed any or not. but after i woke up and took my seventeen year old to school at 8 this morning, i came back and crashed out on the floor of my living room. i think my last thought i remember was, "i wonder how long my hips will let me lay here?..." the next thing i knew, it was 10:45. i think i might've been a little tired.

it's funny how when i start to feel myself sinking...when i KNOW the world does not suck as much as it seems to me...that there is something off about my glasses for a day....there are tons of things that go through my head, rooting out the source of the i need to work out more?...did i get my fish oils?...should i start therapy again?...maybe i should go to church and light a candle?...maybe if i were just a better person, i wouldn't get so down?...if i read to my kids more, visited my grandparents more, volunteered, took my kids to volunteer?... but maybe i just need a nap?...that should go somewhere on the top of that list. isn't it weird that i'd question my character before i'd wonder if i was tired? maybe not. but i'm going to work on that (now that i'm a little more caught up on sleep).

and can i just say, i am so looking forward to my toddler getting her own room...and that day when she transitions to sleeping in her room. because do not get me wrong, i love that little girl. i love all of these kiddos who live in this house. and watching my boys grow up, i know how quickly it goes. and i appreciate where we're at. but i KNOW what comes next...and i really look forward to spending my days with her after a good night's toenails in my face, no head butts to my chest, no groping for my shirt (well, there will always probably be a little of that, but what's a girl to do?).


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