Friday, February 3, 2012

what was supposed to be an addendum but then became its own post...

so i came to add a picture of my bedroom...well, my bed with my toddler's bed next to it. i don't know why, exactly. i think because, like i said, i feel so. totally. disorganized. and maybe if i let myself write about it and supply the pictures that go along with the story, it will all come together for me again. so here it is. one time, when my uncle came to see my first house, he went into my and my husband's bedroom and said, "so here's the love nest" and raised his eyebrows. and it so totally ooked me out that i couldn't make eye contact with that particular uncle for a few months. (i got over it...he's really a great guy...but it was kind of an icky statement no matter how great he was...) anyway...the sleeping arrangements at my house:
so that was the addendum part. but while i was making the bed (what? you thought i'd post a picture of my bed all scuzzed out?...hell-to-the-no! as my oldest says...when no one's around, of course). and speaking of my oldest, he's the reason this became its own post. while i was making the beds, i was dancing to this beautiful rendition of "hey soul sister." it just made me smile. because it was my oldest son playing the music i was dancing around to in the computer room.
i love this. when he plays songs i know, plays them well, plays them all the way through (and these three things do not always line up, so you gotta stop and appreciate the good stuff when it finds you). it's not like "hey soul sister" is one of my favorites...i only know it because he plays it. but it's so sweet when he plays it. and it made me think about how one day, he'll have a girlfriend, or a wife, or dogs, or kids or maybe neighbors, or maybe all of those or maybe not that will get to hear him play songs, too. and that made me smile all the way down to my toes, to the center of me and back out.

he has grown so much. and i know he will continue to grow. but that doesn't fill me with the (heart pounding? gut wrenching?) anxiety it used to. i know he will struggle, i know he will make bad choices...and those are the things that would fill me with such anxiety. but now i also know he will learn (on some level) and make things right (eventually) and ask for help when he needs it (on most days). my oldest really values people (yes, even his brothers). he also knows and accepts that he only has control of his own behavior, so he takes his choices very seriously.

i've watched him grow, but i've also grown alongside him. i've grow into someone that has learned to trust him to know so much more than i ever did at that age, but to still do some of the stupid stuff i have so much wisdom and still get so not blame myself, or blame his dad, or society, or school when bad or hard things happen. because he doesn't. he knows his power...and while it may seem like f-o-r-e-v-e-r before he actually uses it, he will always step up and do what he feels, in his heart, is right. (unless it blows over and he chooses not to do anything...there are those times in life...haven't you had one lately?) in learning to trust my oldest, i have learned to trust myself.

so on the nights when he plays hard rock music i am unfamiliar with (especially the one where he shouts "I! HATE! EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!!!"...that one's especially not charming), or when he keeps hitting the wrong notes (and i don't mean just with his guitar...his voice gets a little crazy sometimes as he experiments with new sounds for himself), or when he keeps playing the same little part of a song over and over and over...or better yet, just plays a few lines from many songs i love and wish he'd play all the way through, i will smile and know that one day, he will frustrate and challenge and disappoint and piss off someone else. and i hope that person loves my son enough to appreciate the good stuff when it finds let go of their pride and be patient and learn with and grow with this guy. until then, i'm grateful to be the one who gets to learn and grow, laugh and love, be challenged by and challenge him. and until then, i also get to be the one that dances to his music and sees how happy playing that music makes him.
peace (uh, and i know i mentioned erratic, and whiney...did i mention overly emotional? i think so, didn't i? well, just in case i didn't...there's gonna be a fair amount of that, too...just sayin)

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