Monday, March 19, 2012

a random text

a friend sent me this text...

"When I wept and told him I was afraid I was too intense, too much, he interrupted my tears and said, 'If someone came down from above and told me I could keep only one thing about you, it would be your too muchness.'" Every time I read this passage, I think of you and I. I really need to send this book to you. Phone is near dead. Talk to you sometime, Marc. xo

too muchness. i can't dwell on this passage for long. the idea of someone not just tolerating too muchness...too much intensity...too much sensitivity...pretty much a person in the superlative...the idea of someone choosing that aspect of you as the most makes me feel all wet inside. and my life is messy enough already.

it's been a crap day. one of those days when someone you trust screws you over and you're left wondering who else is bitching about you to a crowd that doesn't include you. one of those days when you know you're not supposed to take one person's word about something that is so upsetting...that you're supposed to wait to get upset until you have more information...but what the fuck do you do with your feelings while you're waiting? so in the end, you feel screwed up for feeling screwed? i am pretty sure that qualifies as a crap day.

there are some changes i need to make to my life. i'm pretty sure they involve simplifying. reprioritizing. streamlining so that my life actually reflects what is important to me. it's always been my kids, my family. but somewhere along the way, i anchored myself in outside commitments and entrusted outside sources to meet my kids' needs. and let me tell you, that's turned out pretty fucktastically. but that was how i made it through. and now, i can make some different choices. even on a crap day, knowing i can make some different choices...refocus on my kids...makes me feel like a kid in a candy store. too much indeed.


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