Thursday, December 13, 2012

what now?

i have really lost the rhythm of my life.  the beat.  the routine.

some people hate routines.  i love them.  my brain gets tired of all the decisions i have to make in a day.  i guess i resent some of them.  and if there's anything that can suck the fun right out of life, it's resentment.  a routine keeps the beat going and just lets me dance.  i like to dance.  it's no fun when you have to think of each step as you're going...and not just each of my steps, but to be directing so many other steps.  anyway...i'm looking for a new rhythm.

my husband didn't come home last night.  we're not in a really good place, and i think i could get mad about it if i tried, but i drove to visit family on tuesday, and got a day away (well, just me and my three year old), and well, i'm just rather apathetic about it.  i've got my own rhythm to find and he and i haven't really danced together in a long time.

and frankly, i'm mad at him about it.  i have tried and tried to make it my fault, put the power to change things in my hands, change my attitude/change my life sort of deal.  but i'm tired of it and it makes me pretty miserable.  because there are just some things he sucks at.  and some of those things really, really affect our relationship, whether or not he agrees or wants to take responsibility or thinks he already has and it should be done and over.  but the truth is, i have no idea how he feels about things.  he's not much of a talker (and what with him being gone overnight and all, there's not tons of opportunity) and i'm tired of asking (he says i'm not a good listener anyway).  so maybe for advent, i just stop fighting to make things different and surrender where i'm at, admit my failings, and wait for the next operating instructions.  my fourteen year old just asked me if we could go to the family penance service tonight...oy...where did i get these holy kids?

it is two weeks til christmas.  well, less actually.  why did i keep thinking it was more than two weeks yesterday when now, one day later, it so obviously isn't?  aging is kind of crazy like that.  always fun house mirrors changing everything.  anyway.  i haven't bought a thing.  i haven't even thought of a thing to buy.  i better find some focus. 


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