hurt

i was talking to a mama friend last night and realized something. (yes, this is my super morbidly intense phase...i'm hoping if i don't fight it, i'll move past it soon....everyone cross your fingers...i even have my toes crossed)

anyway, i was thinking about how there is something weirdly "comforting" about thoughts that are generally negative...anger, hurt, resentment, insecurity. i was working through some of those feelings last night, and i told my friend that i was realizing i needed to not hold on to those feelings...be justified by them, defined by them. that normally, as counter intuitive as it is, i'd grab ahold of those nasty feelings, stroke them, feed them milk...anything to keep them near. because somewhere deep down, i guess i find them comforting because they justify not doing things that may involve risk...not taking a chance...not making myself "vulnerable". they feed that illusion that i'm in control because i'm not going to take a risk and therefore i'm "safe," even though i'm sad and miserable.

but i can let those feelings go. i can feel them but refuse to be identified by them. i really can. i've tried it and it worked. it was....so nice. of course i'm still waiting, in some small part of myself, to find out if really i'm just screwing it up and this is all a figment of my imagination. but maybe if i stay focused in the now, i can make the illusion last forever...

i had a good day today. got a flat tire, got it fixed, drove home on the doughnut. met with the cooperative mamas, made some decisions, set the next meeting date. watched the children, really watched them, smiled a lot, felt good. getting ready to make some bread, try making homemade mozzarella, some other good food. looking forward to the weekend.

left foot, right foot, breathe...
thank you, thank you, thank you....
peace