peace

i am tired tonight. worn out. all used up. but in a good way.

i took care of my nephew today. actually, my kids mostly took care of him. it was what he needed and i think it was what they needed too. and i was happy to facilitate that. cute story from today...nephew and my youngest were all decked out in dress up clothes...nephew was wearing a bright orange ball cap and a bandana, western vest and a hawaiian lei. youngest had on a bandana around his head all ninja style and a silver knight's cape. they had been playing under the dining room table, and nephew told me, "our fwiends are coming to live with us...we have to look ouw best." loved it.

i talked to my sil today. there's some rage in that house. but i firmly believe there is more love than rage. sometimes they spill over and it gets kind of messy, but i know the love will win out. she was talking to me about some stuff. and we just took it bit by bit. it was good. one of my nephews, he's sixteen, called her an effin' b. but i saw it in my head as an f.n.b. this was hilarious to me in a way i can't explain to completely explain the hilarity, but i'll try a little by mentioning one of our banks has the initials s.n.b. probably doesn't capture it fully, but it was funny to me. (and no, he didn't actually call her an effin' b...he called her a fucking bitch...but if you can find some light in the dark, why turn away from it?) anyway...we talked through it, an i really think they're working through stuff. if nothing else, they are trying hard and really, what else can we do?

then i talked to another friend. her brother died this past week. she worked through a little rage. just a little. mostly she talked about homeschooling. she just finished her first year of homeschooling, so this is appropriate use of a diversion in my book. so we talked. back and forth. luckily, my brain is pretty flighty to begin with, so it wasn't too hard to keep up with the switches in conversation. and really, all i wanted her to know is that i love her and i'm here to listen to whatever she wants to talk about. i really do love her. and i'm grateful for her friendship. and this was the best way i knew to honor that.

i also talked to another friend somewhere in all of that today. she's got some of her own excitement brewing. in many different aspects of her life. and i love her more than i can express. she's definitely a soul sister to me.

and i sent some prayer flags for my friend battling (more like KICKING THE ASS OF) metastatic melanoma. ok, i don't know that kicking the ass of is the appropriate expression, but i've been dying to scream it out loud, and while typing in all caps was a poor substitute, it'll do for now in this quiet homeschooling life of mine...snort. but we loved making the flags. i don't know why we don't do it for everyone we know. it's a fabulous idea, if you ask me, and i am going to try to remember it. you know, like tomorrow...

so i feel like a tissue all wadded up with peoples' tears and snot and whatnot. but those are sacred tears...sacred snot....sacred whatnot. a baptism of sorts.

peace

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

nice title? if one person reads that and remembers they aren't alone, then my work is done.

but as i do so often, i'm not going to stop there...snort

i get so bogged down sometimes in trying to make my life "work"...for me, for all those i am responsible for...just trying to get it all done. and i'm not talking about manicures or pedicures and haircuts and matching clothes and crap like that. i'm talking about paying bills on time (or close enough) and making sure animals are fed (dead animals from starvation just sounds like a total buzzkill) and clothes and diapers are washed ('nuff said on that one, i'm sure).

now let me be clear, i'm not knocking manicures and pedicures and haircuts and matching clothes. i look forward to returning to the time in my life where my nails aren't constantly snagging on stuff, my toenails aren't always chipped, i can wear a hairstyle more than a ponytail, and, well, i think my clothes match, but who knows? i'm just not there right now. i truly forgot how exhausting having a baby is...i don't think it was this exhausting before. but then i didn't have so many places to get kids to in a week, an electric guitar playing the background music i did not choose for my life, and when it's not the electric guitar, it's a piano pounding.

my kids are actually pretty good musicians. it just all sounds like pounding at the end of the day. well, at sometimes by the middle.

but i get so overwhelmed by trying to make my life work. and there is a lot of work to be done in my life. but i do forget that i'm not the only one trying to do this. and that i'm not the only one working on the things that are important to me. and my friend jeanni will understand when i say that i forget that i am an instrument of a peace that doesn't originate in me, but works through me. and when i forget that, i wear myself out.

last night i called my friend. i hadn't called much lately and when i had, i felt like i had not been a very good friend...like i just didn't have much to offer. but i called and i listened to the things going on in her life and it filled me up. i mean, i did share stuff going on in my life, but it felt so good to listen to her and think about how much i care about her and her family, and just share that. because life is meant to be shared. not lived in isolation. at least for me this is true. so i have to remember i'm not alone. it makes my load easier to bear and gives me a light in my life that i can't provide hunkered down on my own.

peace

stuff

i had some anxiety last night. i don't know why it gets so bad...maybe read the previous post for some understanding...maybe i'll go back and read it so i'm not always figuring out the same shit over and over ("oh yeah! i knew that!!!"). it was hard to fall asleep, but i have to say, my spouse was pretty sweet about the whole deal, so it wasn't tooooooo bad.

everything is just in this weird state of flux....continuous change...and while i realize things are supposed to be in a state of flux, i was under the impression that hit was a more mellow pace...a little more gradual. but lately? not so much. and i'm tired trying to keep up with it. trying to keep on top of it. or at least alongside it. and while surrender comes to mind, i can't completely surrender. i must pay bills. i must buy groceries to have food in the house. i must cook meals if we are to eat...or at least plan them. i must get up each morning or else...i don't know...maybe we'll just skip a day this week and not get up. oh wait, i did that last sunday when i slept til noon (hey, the baby slept in with me til noon, too...lol).

there are just so many things out there that are kind of crappy right now...and i wish those things would get on the super flux wagon, you know? my sil's still are on the outs with each other...i wish that healing would go faster. same thing with a friend of mine and her sister...i wish her sister would get on the super flux wagon with a change of attitude and heart and all that good stuff. my friend jeanni's in the hospital with her third round of biochemo...now THERE'S something that could use some positive super flux. my friend marcy's brother died last friday...i hope there's some super flux in healing for that family...i can't imagine that pain. even my cyber tribe is having some super flux...and i wish that would settle, even though that is just one thing i could've skipped fluxing, to be honest. but everything changes....i know this. my spouse's paycheck...oh please, come on super flux!!! i am tired of stressing over money. i know we made this choice. and we're doing what we need to do, but sheesh, it's so tiring to always have money in the back of your mind. my brother's ex-girlfriend is preggo with his baby...now, i have no idea how things need to flux, but they need to.

i am hoping to go camping weekend after next. i need to get out of my house for a few days.

oh, but let me share this super cool story first... when i go outside at night, to relax and reflect and pray on the day, i always have it in back of my mind that a shooting star would be a really cool way to know god's listening...or here...or whatever. i mean, if i were god, i'd probably be shooting stars all over the place to let people know i was hearing them...but that's probably one of the million reasons i'm not god. anyway...i was outside two nights ago. my husband and oldest son had a big fight that night over the stupidest thing...well, not exactly the stupidest, but pretty dumb stuff. men just need to learn how to express themselves, but that's a whole different post. things had settled, they had reached a place of some peace, everyone felt good (if not a little raw after it all). i went outside and thought i saw an airplane in the sky between two trees. i remember i even contemplated that maybe it was a ufo...because i had seen a light and then the light was gone. kind of weird. up until the light reappeared in a different place in my yard...it was a firefly! i love fireflies and anytime i see one, i feel like i'm seeing a dinosaur or something, because where there used to be tons of them in my backyard as a child, i can't think of a time i saw two in one spot in a long time. so anyway, i'm watching this firefly. he comes a little closer. flies around me. finally gets a big smile out of me because the little thing just keeps lighting up right around me. then it lands on me, and i almost start bawling. it was awesome. like god reached a hand out and touched my arm. very comforting.

does that heal jeanni's cancer? does it heal the pain between sisters i love a lot? does it bring peace to the cybertribe? fix our money problems? give my brother some more i.q. points so he can handle this situation he's in? nope. but it helps me relax and get through the next day...and maybe the next. see, i'm kind of finished with the notion that peace will come. i believe peace is already here. we just have to work through our shit so we can feel what's already there. so...i better get to work...

peace

heart squeezing

and some gut squeezing, too...

it's just been a crazy 2010. i'm just going to call it that (yes, i know it's may) because this way, i will continue to expect craziness, lose the expectation that i've somehow reached the pinnacle of the craziness, and stop being so winded when things just keep unraveling. i'm typing this with a bit of courage, because i'm not trying to get the place where i lose the expectation for normalcy...i'm there. and it's okay. i've learned in little situations here and there how it can free you to let go of expectations. and i appreciated those lessons. and now, for whatever reason, it seems to be a time to do a little of what we homeschoolers call "drill and kill." rapid fire situations that remind me of yeats' poem the second coming...that spinning gyre, things falling apart, the center cannot hold and all that rot. i don't mean to make it sound like the whole year has gone to hell in a hand basket (frankly, i still don't have a concept of hell in my worldview...well, not yet anyway...hehe). there have been many moments of beauty in this craziness...moments i might not have noticed if i still had my fingers nicely and tightly cramped around a sense of normalcy...whatever the hell normal is anyway. (remember that phrase "the new normal"?...yeah...i'm done with that phrase.) so yes, i will admit there's been much heart squeezing and gut squeezing. i'm wiped out from it all, to tell the truth. but i've also learned that life goes on even when i feel wiped out. and that i can function so much further out of my comfort zone than i ever thought. honestly, i can't even remember where my comfort zone was at the start of this year...

peace

milestones

some milestones tonight...

my three middle children finished their first years of religious ed at our church. they said a rosary and had an ice cream social. it was sweet watching them walk into the building swinging their rosaries...little e made his in class last week, and i made one for s and one for o in honor of their first communion that was last weekend. it was also sweet picking them up with big ice cream mustaches around their big grins. little e couldn't wait to tell me all about it. they each chose huge hershey bars to give to their teachers for the end of the year, and while o's teacher said she really liked chocolate, e's teacher said "chocolate is the BEST!"

my oldest got to attend his first concert tonight. three days grace. no, they're not a christian rock group...hehe...that was tricky of them to choose such a confusing name. my teenager has been over the moon ever since i told him he could go if he found an adult to go with him. as soon as his dad walked in from work that night, and n asked him if he'd be the adult to go, and dad said, "sure, i'd love to" and then asked me what he'd just agreed to. there were some rocky moments for my spouse after agreeing to go. he's not very fond of this music that our teenager listens to...he gets worried about what about the lyrics appeal to n and why does he have to listen to music that sounds so angry?...i'm guessing he doesn't remember the nights in high school we drove around screaming nine inch nails at the top of our lungs, bubbling with teenager energy...but i think he pulled tonight off fairly well. well, they aren't home yet...but they're on their way. he also took two other of n's friends whose parents were overjoyed to find out that n had managed to get his dad to go and therefore, their children could go with an adult that wasn't them. hey, we all get our turns...

but tonight wasn't my night to attend a three days grace concert. (whew) tonight was my night to watch my middles go off to and return from a fun evening...eat pizza and make a pallet and watch a silly movie (baby geniuses definitely qualifies...). it was also my night to play with my baby girl and even get in the tub with her. she had a blast. she is growing by leaps and bounds...making these cognitive leaps that make it hard for her to balance meeting her needs and exploring the world around her. like so many people i know and love, i already see her wrestling with herself...needing to nurse but wondering what that noise was and sometimes just waiting to make sure nothing else is about to happen before settling down to nurse. i forget how babies (or at least my babies) only really relax when they're nursing or sleeping. otherwise, she's trying to sit up, stand up, roll over, reach this, turn to see that, put this in her mouth, make spit bubbles (ooh, she loves spit bubbles). it's exhausting. which i guess is why she needs her naps and i get to see her relaxed for awhile, only to be surprised once she's up at how active she's become. maybe if i slept more, or more uninterruptedly, it wouldn't all be such a damned surprise all the time. maybe i'd be able to remember something for longer than a few minutes without writing it down. hell, sometimes i forget what i was going to write down so i wouldn't forget it. but it's good. it helps me stay in balance. when i sleep too much, i obviously get this misguided notion that i am far more capable than i am. my children help me remember how heartwrenchingly human i am. and i think i'm better for it...

there was probably more i wanted to type, but i can't remember it anymore. i can't wait to hear how the guys enjoyed the concert. and i've got a bottle of wine chilling to pour my spouse a glass of once he gets home. i'd say i'd whisper sweet nothings in his ear (well, at least sweet thank yous), but he probably won't be able to hear anything after being at a concert for the last four hours. he was already screaming into the phone when he called to say they were on their way home. what a good sport...

peace

a little more sharin...

peace

just sharin...

peace