music

i have been listening to music today. i wish i did this, at least for a little while, everyday. hell, even the thirty minutes four times a week they recommend for exercise would probably get me through. my friend, corey, has music night every monday night...maybe i could just try that. i don't know, but i can't even explain how great i feel going into tonight, and especially at the end of it. it's wonderful.

each little song transports me to a different time and place in my life. and so many of them are so full of life and energy and happiness and good things in general. i emailed an old friend tonight because a song came on that she gave me the cassette of...and i'm talking about twenty-some years ago. and her grandmother had just died. and it was really a neat thing to connect with her and let her know why i was thinking of her. kind of hilarious in this great, loving way.

there are many, many things i've thought about blogging about in this peaceful, sated state. but i chose to blog about the vehicle that brought me here. maybe i'll get to the other stuff later...

peace

a few breaths of air

yep, i've got a cold. runny nose, sinus headache, raw throat. crap. i tried to take it easy yesterday, but it was really one of those "do most of my normal stuff but don't go outside and totally bust ass and call it taking it easy" kind of days. today...i think it's going to have to be one of those "maybe i'll get a shower in but otherwise i'm on my ass because i seriously need to take it easy" kind of days. i think so anyway.

babiest girl woke up early this morning. was crawling and making noises all over my bed and my head. so we got up to watch wiggles. biggest brother came in at some point and said he'd lay with her, so i got up and grabbed some coffee. (i am almost embarrassed by how grateful i am when things like this happen) babiest fell asleep with biggest before she's usually up for aa typical day...silly girl.

my friend got her prayer flags. i got pictures. oh my....can i just say how gorgeous she is? and those prayer flags were beautiful around her. seriously, i think prayer flags are the way to go from now on. beautiful and get the point across. i miss her so terribly, but am so grateful i had a chance to send a little piece of each of us to her. god working both ways...

i just heard my thirdborn get in bed with my waking babiest and say to her, "well hello there little wonder." where do they get this sweetness from? and really, who cares? i'm just honored to be able to witness and be touched by it...

and i think that's about it. i have no idea what they day will hold (although i'm pretty sure it will hold sausage...sausage is what i crave when i have a cold) but i wanted to stop and take a moment to think about those moments of light that didn't make my head ache...those breaths of air today that didn't burn my sinuses or make me cough. food for my soul.

peace

a little quiet time

every night, i go out and feed my dogs. and it is sacred time. i don't do it when the kids are up. i wait for them to get in bed and settle down. i've blogged a number of times about the shade of night or even some insight i've gained from watching my dogs' behavior (although i admit i have not blogged in a long time about my dogs). it's a funny thing...there were times when i would go over the kids' school work and plan the next day or plan the next week, whatever. i used to read outside at night. i used to sit on the phone and talk for hours even at one point in my life. but feeding them at night, once things have quieted down, has long been a habit of mine. i give it up when i'm pregnant...sleep seemed to take priority. but one thing i do a lot at night is pray. maybe because it's finally quiet. maybe because i'm outside and i've always felt god's presence outside. i think i've always partly thought it was because i was "done" with my day and had resigned to let everything else go until tomorrow and so praying and reflecting just seemed natural. lately i've been wondering if there is a way to capture that feeling, that peaceful mindset somehow during the day. because i often feel like cuddling up to my kids afterward. i want to read a book with them, talk to them about this that or the other, make sure that they know that at the end of the day, i usually think they're pretty wonderful, or at least that things are going to end up better the next day than they did that day.

tonight my spouse is at work. it's his last night on call where he has to be at the hospital for his full call time. from here on out, he gets to be home. (unless he becomes a staff member at a teaching hospital after residency, in which case he'll have to stay at the hospital for a night of call every tenth or eleventh night or something like that so that he's there if the residents need him, but let's not talk about that right now...it diminishes the importance of what i'm saying here...) at least for the next year, he won't have to sleep at the hospital. he'll go in if they need him, but then he gets to come back home and sleep in our bed, with me...and our babiest girl. and that makes me feel warm and happy inside...like we're almost at a place of rest. and after the last seven years, a place of rest sounds delicious.

while i was feeding my dogs tonight, i took a moment to let myself settle in to the night. to lift up some thanks. ask for some healing. feel grateful and satisfied and appreciative and maybe even let a little awe come. then i remembered about my brother's girlfriend's miscarriage. ok, so she's really his ex-girlfriend. but she was pregnant with his baby. and i believe that even though she was pretty unhappy that he was not her boyfriend anymore, and even more unhappy that he has a different girlfriend right now, i do believe she was happy to be pregnant. and that made me inexplicably happy. i guess i should explain that my brother is not the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest bulb in the chandelier. he's pretty close to mentally retarded, if you look at his i.q. scores. and while he doesn't have anything obviously wrong with him, it doesn't take a long time hanging out with him to be able to see that he's pretty different...in some ways he's the kind of different that you imagine god would like us all to be...simple just comes easy to him. but then he's also different in the ways that makes living in today's world independently impossible. my sister and i often discuss which one of us will have this brother living with us after our parents either die or give up. i don't think i would mind him living here because the times that he's been here, he tends to follow along with whatever my kids are doing. but the times he's been here, my kids have been fairly young...it's been a few years...and i don't know how he'd do with teenagers in the house. it's one thing when he plays baseball with the neighborhood kids, brushes teeth and gets ready for bed at nine because that's what the kids are doing, and looks for word searches to do because everyone else here reads so much. but i do not know how he would handle being in a household where the children are becoming young adults and their self-responsibility is changing and growing in ways he's never seemed to be able to quite get the hang of. and i guess that's not really what i was thinking about tonight anyway. because even though he's a pretty simple guy and will probably never really be capable of living on his own, i had started to think that he might not make too bad of a father. call me an idealist (you wouldn't be the first), but i kind of thought eventually he'd figure out he really loved the ex-girlfriend...or at any rate, he'd figure out that the ex-girlfriend really seems to love him, and he'd end up there and they'd make this cute, quirky little family, the end. but the end came a little sooner and the ex-girlfriend miscarried. and that made me sad. not that i'm going to go encouraging him to get another girl pregnant or anything. he's considering a vasectomy just because buying condoms requires a little forethought that his frontal lobe, since it doesn't function much, can't seem to handle (yeah, for real, the light's not even home in the front of his brain, so i guess no one's ever been home).

my sister and her partner are thisclose to being certified as a couple for foster-to-adopt. so i guess even if i don't become an auntie with my brother, i'm pretty much getting ready to be an auntie with my sister. but i should be honest...if it's my sister, i won't be an auntie...i'll be an aint. it's just the way we say it in my southern family. and i'm looking so forward to being an aint in this capacity. it will be different and it will be challenging and it will be beautiful in a whole nother way from how becoming an auntie was. but it makes my toes curl and a lump form in my throat when i think about being an aint.

and i guess these are the things i think about when i feel like i can breathe a little.

i have been working hard in my yard. and working hard with my family. and working hard in my marriage and in my own head. i am grateful, as always, for those who walk alongside me. today was a particularly lovely day...the teen got his new guitar, the other guys got their video game they've long wanted, and the littlest played hard, crawled with her belly off the floor, ate bananas and learned to make this terrific coughing sound that elicits much reaction from her brothers. and the dad will be home for good tomorrow morning. sigh...now the mama will crawl into bed with the babiest and we'll see what tomorrow holds...

peace

i think he's in love

and i am totally fine that it's not human yet.

this is his new electric guitar. aside from being really pretty, it also sounds really good. (just between you and me, i always thought he sounded kind of amateurish....i had no idea it was because of his guitar...whew!) he is over the moon. spent more on the guitar and the case than i have probably spent on any one item for myself....i'm trying to think here...i mean, there's my car...i don't know...never mind...my point is that i am very proud of him for saving so long, researching so completely, making a decision, and going with it. and i think he is, too...see it in that big grin on his face?

peace

a day in the life

my cybertribe had a photo assignment about a day in your life. you were supposed to take a camera around and snap pictures of your day and share them. i did this yesterday. today, there was too much driving around and the cold my guys have all gotten to some degree this past week has made my throat raw and my head kind of stuffy, so i did not even think to take pictures with us today. well, i did take two pictures today...and one is at the end of this post and the other gets its own post in a minute. i don't know...this evening is not making much sense, so let's go back to yesterday...

this is where i check my email and log onto my cybertribe each morning. there's my coffee and my glass of water (and a bunch of other junk that just seems to always be around that area in case i suddenly need it).

this is my youngest son and babiest girl watching wiggles and playing together. this is kind of their routine lately. that laundry in the background that needs to be folded is also part of the routine lately. but notice how littlest son's eyes are so sleepy...i think out of all of us, the cold hit him the hardest and he's had some tough mornings this week. but his baby sister always makes him smile.

this is my third born...he loves listening to harry potter audio books and reading the book at the same time. since we've lightened our school load, this is one of his favorite pastimes.

my first born and my second born fight over this window to sit and read in each morning. second born won this morning. i just love his curly hair in the morning.

if he's not reading first thing in the morning, this is what my first born is doing....but he gets his own post in a minute.

here is babiest drinking her water in her high chair. you know, she really is usually that happy.

and here's a pic of me and babiest before i go out and conquer part of our yard. i've been working on trimming trees and bushes and just kind of taming our landscaping (and getting some great work outs in there at the same time...ouch)

and this is from today...but i love this picture of my two little ones playing in the little splash pad we bought yesterday. she loved it and he loves it right along with her. good times...

peace out

gratitude

i've been meaning to keep a gratitude journal. well, start using mine again, is what i really mean. because i have been having some frustrating times. i think i have mentioned here before that i remember well what having four little ones was like. there were things that didn't get done around my house for years. and it didn't bother me in the least. i really didn't even notice a great deal of filth just because i was so busy chasing those little ones. but see, i've been to the other side. i've had older kids, learned how darned dirty ceiling fan blades get in the course of months (and i went at least seven years without ever even noticing this when my guys were little, btw), i got used to baseboards being cleaned, gutters being cleared, trees trimmed (i don't really even remember what kind of trees i had when my kids were little), stuff like that. and it is so very frustrating to be in this place where i can no longer maintain the house and my life the way i was used to. and this brings up the topic of asking the people in my house who are no longer little ones to help me maintain what we were all accustomed to. but see, i suck at asking for help. and who likes to do what they suck at? seriously. so for six months, i haven't been asking. and monday, i cried a whole lot and had some chest pains and just generally figured i needed to try something different. (ok, ok, my therapist had a big hand in convincing me i needed to try something different...and then my good friend who is also a therapist convinced me the rest of the way...but i was the one who made the list that asked for help, so i still get credit, 'k?) so now i can breathe again...without chest pain. and that's kind of nice.

but i am going a little stir crazy. it is raining, which was lovely...it's the kind of rain that just makes the whole world outside of the window look greener. i knew we'd get out of the house later, so i was enjoying our time at home. and then my six year old started running fever. and we've been trapped, er, i mean stuck at home since. i think i'm starting to go cross-eyed from the boredom. you can only spend so much time researching online the things you've never had time to research, shopping for things you don't have money for, or playing mindless games on facebook. and i'm tired of cleaning. i'm tired of laundry. i'm tired of thinking about what can be thrown away. and most of all, i'm tired of whining.

so where does the gratitude come in? i'm not sure. i just thought if i put that at the top of this blog post, that maybe it would work itself in somehow. because my brain feels done. it's tired, too. i remember babyhood being difficult. but i did not have these young adults in my house the last time i was here. and it's nice to have them here this time around. i mean, i feel like a fool sometimes with them watching me struggle and have such mindless days where i can't remember anything for longer than sixty seconds. but they are a lot of help. they play with their sister and take care of her. they make me laugh. and they make me practice crap i suck at...and they're kind and gentle enough that it's not too awful practicing it with them. so there...i am grateful as hell for these four guys i get to walk with each day. because somewhere along the way, they turned into guys that really honor and love their mother. and while i have no idea why they feel this way about me, i am humbled and inspired by their love.

peace

yowza

i have a headache. right between the eyes. making my eyes sooooo sleeeepy...

it was a rough day. my baby girl visited the doctor. i really love our family practice doc. she's really laid back...just a nice, matter of fact, not much bs kind of woman. the fact that she has four children and a spouse who is also a doc may have a little tiny bit to do with it, but who knows? anyway, i got to hear all about how beautiful baby girl is, how great she's growing. as a bonus, the nurse we had has worked with my spouse in ob/gyn/oncology, so i also got to hear how wonderful he is, how wonderful he is with his patients, how well he listens to them, how pleasant he is to work with...and i was pretty damned gracious about all of this, ifidosaysomyself. and i do. and it's not that it's hard to be gracious when hearing lovely things about my spouse. it's that it's hard to be gracious when i woke to no coffee in the house, and it was already 10:55 and i was still on no caffeine, had a pounding headache, and knew my baby girl was slated to receive some shots, which makes me anxious and just a little grumpy to start with. the nurse kept saying how beautiful my baby was, and how MUCH she looked JUST LIKE her dad. in my headache-y state, it kind of felt, just a teensy bit, like she was saying i wasn't much to look at. but i'm sure that's not what she meant. anyway...it was all very sweet and great. until it was time for shots. then it all just went to shit. baby girl cried. and it wasn't an "ow that hurt" kind of cry. seriously, it was a heartbroken "that bitch did that ON PURPOSE" kind of cry. she was really offended by the whole deal. the second shot just added insult to injury...it was heartbreaking, for real.

so as i was driving home, all jiggly inside with sadness and guilt, my oldest son's chemistry (teacher? mama? what to call her....) instructor called. she was letting me know we could move up the chemistry time today so he could go to this birthday outing that was slated to begin when chemistry would normally begin. and i was all jiggly inside already (with the sadness and guilt), but now there was gratitude and humility involved. so i called the kids and told the two bigs to get ready so i could take them, the oldest to chemistry and the second born to the house where the outing would begin. i got home with baby girl totally crapped out in her car seat, ran inside and got the bigs, to find my oldest visibly in a grumpy mood. shoulders slumped, eyebrows furrowed, eyes dark, mouth set. i asked him what was up, and he said "i've just been in this awful, angry, bad mood for a few days. i don't know what's up...but i hate it." so in my hurryingness, i just got everyone in the car, kissed the two littles (they're littles, but big enough to be home on their own for an hour or so), and we took off.

i started asking the oldest what was going on. we talked a bit. i really couldn't intuit anything actually going on, so we talked about hormones and i told him when he's just hormonal (meaning if you can't figure anything else out going on specifically and you happen to know it's a time in your life when hormones can be working their magic, like say, oh, maybe at fifteen/almost sixteen) that he doesn't have to "own" those emotions...he just has to get through them without doing any damage. i mean, this has been my mantra for most of my menstruating and pregnant and nursing years. so i thought i'd pass it along. the three of us (who were awake) prayed together. this is something i've been meaning to do more of with my kids...pray together...especially when there's really nothing else to do and words don't seem so important either. so we prayed. and then i took him to chemistry. i hugged him in the car, and he kind of surrendered for a minute, let a few tears fall, and then got it together and went on to chemistry. then i took the second born to his destination, talked to the mom there about maybe keeping an eye (and a little heart) on the oldest while they were birthdaying, and got in my car an extremely jiggly mess...the previously mentioned sadness and guilt still brewing, steeping with the gratitude and humility, and now with a little concern and vulnerability added. so i did what any woman would do in this situation (well, if they were me, you know) and i called my sister.

have i ever mentioned how much my sister rocks? how much she is a piece of my soul outside of my body? so we laughed, i cried a little, and i ordered sonic. and then she suggested maybe i was going to get my period. ha! i haven't started having periods since baby girl was born. and even though my sister's never had a baby (she's never even had sex to be honest...well, i mean intercourse...she figured out she was a lesbian way before most, i think), i have to say, i think she was right on the money. i sure feel like this could be pms. she's so smart.

so i took care of myself today...tried to be gentle with me. i did call and talk to my oldest after chemistry and he seemed in a better place. and i also bought lots of dark chocolate. and some diet dr. pepper. i'm not so into artificial sweeteners, but i wanted caffeine and hey, diet dr. pepper really does taste more like real dr. pepper.

so tonight was good. we're not getting much school work done this week, but i'm okay with that. tomorrow was the day i was going to do this big push for school work. and i will, probably. but i also scheduled us to hang with some friends for a couple of hours. you know, just to break things up a bit. and there is always next week. but for now, everyone seems in a pretty good place. and that's what i want. my little mantra, "everything i need right now, i have" is working for me. it's true. and for that, i am grateful.

peace